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TNA Impact
TNA IMPACT RESULTS 5/13: Keller's live ongoing coverage of return to Thursdays, RVD vs. Jeff Hardy vs. A.J. Styles

May 13, 2010 - 10:10:33 PM
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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MAY 13, 2010 (taped 5/4)
ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV


[Q1]

-TNA can't cut a break, but at least they have an excuse if ratings are down, as this is going up against the second and third hour of the huge Celtics vs. Cavs game six playoff game.

-The show opened with clips of Hulk Hogan a week ago Monday on Impact calling out Sting for being the person who changed after he took over TNA, and Sting making his case that Hogan had a "canopy of protection" in his career. Hogan replied that Sting's comments mean Sting's attitude is about Sting's problem with him, not TNA. They also aired Hogan giving Desmond Wolfe a title shot, "even though I don't like you, brother" (and failing to mention fan voting was the reason). Tenay's explanation later regarding Wolfe being voted the top contender by fans was then inserted. A clip then aired of RVD beating Wolfe, then A.J. Styles attacking him afterward and calling for his title rematch at Sacrifice.

-Show Title: "Three Tickets to Sacrifice."

-The TNA Impact opening then aired.

-Eric Bischoff walked out and made all of those gestures he used to make on Nitro when ratings were crashing and he was an overexposed heel. He entered the ring, said it's been too long since he's stood in the ring, and then said he sincerely loves the fans. He called Rob Van Dam to the ring. It's impossible to tell whether Bischoff is being sincere or dripping with sarcasm, which must drive his loved ones crazy.

Bischoff brought up the TNA website poll. He said they want to know who fans think deserve a title shot. Bischoff said last week he took on Desmond Wolfe. Bischoff said Jeff Hardy is one of the top names on the poll. He said nothing could be better than a match between RVD and Hardy. He said there's one problem, though. He said nobody can find Hardy. He's not answering calls and nobody knows where he is. That's nice. Accentuate Hardy's rep for being flakey (even if Bischoff is making it up, it's dangerous to play into a real-life fault of a lead babyface you have a lot invested in).

Bischoff said therefore he has no other choice but to give RVD the night off. RVD said he loves being champion, and the best part of being champion is defending the title and proving he's the best. He said no days off for him because "I'm here to pop ratings for TNA and give the fans what they expect - the whole F'n show."

Styles then walked out in a high-priced suit and sunglasses. Styles lectured RVD for saying "F'n." He said children are watching and RVD should be a role model like he is. Styles said he's in the mood to hurt somebody. He asked if the fans really came to watch RVD. He said they didn't. He said they came to see him. The crowd chanted "RVD! RVD!" Styles said, "I am TNA, and TNA is A.J. Styles. They didn't come here to see some Cheech and Chong sideshow." He suggested they wrestle tonight. He said even though he had RVD in three days in Sacrifice, he's eager to break RVD's legs tonight so he doesn't have to break a sweat on Sunday when he takes back his TNA Title. He said he will always be the chant and RVD will always be the chump. Hardy's music played and out came Hardy. Tenay said, "He is here after all." Tenay said Hardy's clock is sometimes different than everyone else's, which is what makes him the enigma. Fans chanted "Hardy! Hardy!"

Hardy said he's getting confused about what night to show up for Impact because he doesn't have a secretary telling him where to be and when. He said he's ready to wreste tonight, though. Styles said there's already a match between RVD and Styles, he should go paint backstage and back on out. Hardy suggested they make it a three-way. RVD endorsed it. Bischoff booked it. Styles threw a fit.

[Q2] [c]

-Jeremy Borash interviewed The Beautiful People backstage. Madison Rayne said she's going to prove at Sacrifice that she deserves the Knockout Title. Velvet Sky said all of the gold will remain with The Beautiful People. Lacey Von Erich interrupted after running in place for the whole interview and then ran away saying, "I have to pee." Sky couldn't believe she got interrupted. Rayne said to remember that she's really pretty and that's why she's here.

1 -- TAYLOR WILDE (w/Sarita) vs. TARA

Taz said he's never put his career on the line like Tara did. After a plug for Dixie Carter's Twitter page, Tenay announced that at Sacrifice, Rob Terry will defend the Global Championship against Orlando Jordan, plus Abyss faces Wolfe with the Hogan's ring and Chelsea's "services" for a month at stake. Taz called out Wolfe for a chauvinistic move putting Chelsea's services on the line. Tara missed a flip legdrop into the ring. Wilde dove at Tara off the middle rope. Tara kicked her in mid-air and scored the extremely anticlimactic pin. Tara beat down Wilde with her knee brace afterward.

WINNER: Tara in 2:00.

-They went backstage to Chelesa crying and being consoled by a woman as Wolfe fought off security. Not sure what that was all about. [c]

-Christy Hemme said she just got an explanation that Chelsea was attacked a few minutes earlier at an undisclosed location. She said she hoped it's not as bad as it seems and she hopes Chelsea is okay.

2 -- DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs. BRIAN KENDRICK

Williams wore the X Division Title belt to the ring. Does TNA have no authority to take the belt back, especially when he sets it at ringside during his match. Williams said Kendrick is both crazy and a loser. He said he hasn't seen him win a match, so he doesn't deserve a shot at his title, therefore it's a non-title match. Taz said he's not champion, so of course it's a non-title match. They continue to draw attention to the ridiculous decision TNA management made to strip him of the title because of the volcano stopping flights from Europe, giving fans reason to side with the heel Williams. Kaz said he won his title even though Williams has a legitimate gripe. Taz pointed out that the belt wasn't that far away. Kaz decided to go get his belt. Williams saw him coming and grabbed the belt. That gave Kendrick a chance to schoolboy him for the win. Williams immediately grabbed his belt again. Kaz stood outside the ring and pointed at Williams, failing to go take what is his, although even he believes it's not really fair to Williams that he got stripped, so it's good that there's a clear cut feeling of who to side with here... or not.

WINNER: Kendrick in 2:00.

[Q3]

-Backstage Christy interviewed Pat Kinney backstage (the former Simon Diamond). He said he can't believe what he just heard from Chelsea regarding who attacked her. He then walked away. [c]

-Christy said she's heard more details, and if true it will send shockwaves throughout TNA, but police won't let her release the name. Oh good, TNA, in it's rich tradition of decency toward women, appears to booking a storyline where a woman makes a false accusation of "sexual assault" (implied or overt). I hope I'm wrong here. It's just one of those storylines that can really turn people off no matter how the creative team rationalizes it. Christy said the alleged attacker is in custody.

3 -- THE YOUNG BUCKS vs. MATT & MORGAN

Matt Morgan isn't calling himself "Matt & Morgan," but I'm suggesting he should publicly as it'd fit his current gimmick of referring to himself as "we" and "us" perfectly. He gave big boots to both Bucks, then grabbed the mic and said, "Hogan, does it look like we're playing?" He said he's going to keep his promise and begin the bloodshed. He then threw Buck #1 to the floor and leaned him against the ringpost. Samoa Joe came out as the referee pulled Buck #1 away from the ringpost. Joe entered the ring and went after Mogan. Morgan went for a big boot, but Joe moved and then gave him an enzuigiri. Joe then gave Morgan the Muscle Buster. Steam them blew out of Joe's ears as he stared at the camera and huffed and puffed. Good to see Morgan's reign of bullying terror has been neutralized already.

WINNER: No contest in 1:00.

-Kevin Nash, Eric Young, and Scott Hall walked out with their briefcase. He opened it revealing a tag team title shot.

4 -- MATT & MORGAN vs. KEVIN NASH & SCOTT HALL -- TNA Tag Team Title Match

Nash made the cover and scored a pin to earn the tag titles for he and Hall.

WINNERS: Hall & Nash to capture the TNA Tag Team Titles. [c]

[Q4]

5 -- TEAM 3D vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. INK INC. vs. BEER MONEY INC.

This felt like an absolute Iron Man match by the four minute mark relative to the length of the previous four "matches." At 7:00 the Guns went on a flurry of offense and cleared the ring. Shelley slingshot clotheslined Roode at ringside. Team 3D double-teamed Jesse Neal, including a top rope clothesline. Shannon Moore made the save. Neal knocked Devon out of the ring and then ate a slap by Brother Ray. Moore, though, caught Ray with a neckbreaker, known as the "Mooregasm," and then Neal hit a spear for the win. Taz said the student just took the teacher to school. He called it a massive victory. Moore bled pretty heavily from the earlobe. He must've lost an earring. He deserved that, just like that rookie female cop in season five of "The Shield."

WINNER: Ink Inc. in 8:00.

-A backstage interview with Ric Flair aired with captions clarifying what the former greatest talkers ever and now one of the worst talkers today said. Not sure what the point is of having these segments air where he sounds like he's got a mouth full of peanut butter, but it's as bad as when he was yelling constantly and losing his train of thought every two sentences. Is there a happy medium here? Anyway, he predicted RVD would limp his way to Sacrifice.

-They showed "The Freak" Rob Terry heading toward the entrance tunnel. [c]

-They showed RVD chatting with Hardy backstage in Hardy's locker room. It was presented like a hidden camera. Shouldn't someone be fired for secretly filming Hardy in his dressing room? The whole thing came off as creepy and kind of perverted. I get the effect they're going for here, but the idea that someone is secretly filming Hardy in his dressing room combined with the fact that we couldn't understand a word they said and it needed to be captioned ruins whatever the intended effect is. Hardy told RVD he's a huge fan, but he wants to be TNA Champion. They agreed they'd both bring it and they'd be sure to break A.J.

[Q5]

-Rob Terry stood in the ring ready to defend his Global Title against Abyss. "American Made" played and Abyss was scheduled to come out next, but Abyss instead was being handcuffed. He demanded to know what he did. The police, like all good law enforcement officers, ignored his request to know what he was being arrested for. He called for "Dixie!" and "Vince!" and "Hulk!" to help him. As the police were about to put him in a squad car, Wolfe attacked him from behind. The cops and security pushed Wolfe away as Abyss said this was a mistake.

Hogan walked up to Abyss. Abyss said, "I swear on my life, Hulk, I didn't do this." Wait, does he know what he's accused of or not? Suddenly he seemed aware of what he was charged with despite begging to know a second earlier. Abyss said the officers wanted his mask, but he begged them to let him leave it on. He cried and told Hulk to call Dixie. Hulk told him to hold his head up. Hulk took off Abyss's mask, but then put his hood over his head. The lesson is whatever a woman accuses a man of doing, don't believe her because the man is innocent and women are conniving liars. Gee, who might endorse this storyline given what they've been through in their personal life lately?

-They went to Tenay and Taz who said they now know the disturbing details. Taz said it's well known that Abyss has mental problems.

-Back in the ring, Jordan attacked Terry from behind. Jordan wore very bright pink trunks and boots and chin pads. Jordan gave Terry a low blow. He then hit Terry in the back with a lead pipe. He finished by setting a Wild card on Terry's back, then throwing the rest of the deck at him. [c]

-Jordan stood in the ring after the break and said, "I think it's about time we cut the foreplay." He said he does what he wants to and says what he wants to and acts how he wants to "because I am the TNA Wild Card." I thought he was going to say: "...because I idolize Jeff Hardy." He said if the fans want him to leave, then let him fulfill their every fantasy. He called anyone from the back to force him out of the ring. Taz called that a brazen statement. Tyson Tomko, who is competing with The Big Show for fastest weight gain lately, accepted Jordan's challenge.

6 -- ORLANDO JORDAN vs. TYSON TOMKO

Tomko gave Jordan a spinebuster and went for a "ground and pound" style attack. Jordan slipped away and swept Tomko to the mat. Taz touted Jordan's amateur wrestling takedown technique and boxing background. Tomko gave Jordan a gorilla press into an overhead back suplex. Jordan fired back with a high dropkick. Jordan countered a Tomko slam attempt with a guillotine choke for the win. The ref, Earl Hebner, decided to stop the match because Tomko was supposedly knocked out even though it didn't look at all like he was KO'd. They tried to do make this look like an MMA fight, but it wasn't smooth to say the least.

WINNER: Jordan in 3:00 via ref stoppage.

[Q6]

-Lacey Von Erich presented Hogan with an iPhone so he could look at a video. She said it shows it's all a big mistake. [c]

-Bischoff ordered Tara to wrestle again. He said her attitude lately is "piss poor." He said she's now disrespecting her opponents and the referee earlier. Bischoff said he was tired of her and didn't want to hear another word. She stormed to the back.

7 -- SARITA vs. TARA

Sarita met Tara on the ramp as she made her ring entrance. At 2:00 Sarita tried to yank off Tara's knee brace. The ref tried to yank her away, but in the process Sarita swung her arms and hit the ref. Tara then surprised Sarita with the knee brace for the KO and the win.

WINNER: Tara in 3:00. [c]

-A video package aired on the Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett match. Jarrett talked about Sting always having a strong moral base. The video showed Sting attacking everyone with his bat. Jarrett said he wonders why he wants the dark side to come out after a glorious 20 year career. The narrator said they'll stop at nothing to destroy each other and called it a "storied rivalry." This is my least favorite major storyline and feud of the year. It's a mess of storyline being met by ambivalence by the fanbase. Leave it to TNA's "phenomenal" creative team to obliterate a Sting heel turn, although Sting deserves a share of blame, too, for his typically phoned-in execution.

[Q7]

-The ring intros for Jeff Hardy and A.J. Styles took place. RVD then talked to the roaming camera backstage (the one with the terrible microphone that blunts everything anyone says) about what he's going to do to Styles next. There's a nice idea here, but the execution just isn't there at all. [c]

8 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. JEFF HARDY vs. A.J. STYLES

Hardy and RVD chatted like pals in the ring as Styles yapped in the face of a fan in the front row Scott Steiner-style. Tenay encouraged fan voting. Taz said not only will those votes influence Bischoff and Hogan, but there's a Championship Committee involved. Why can't they just explain this in a little more precise detail? What role do Bischoff and Hogan have relative to the this committee, and who is on the committee and what are their qualifications to make these decisions? Hardy kicked RVD in the opening minute, knocking him to the floor. Styles applied the figure-four on RVD at 3:00. Hardy broke it up with a legdrop. Hardy climbed to the top rope, but Styles popped up and knocked Hardy to the floor. Mr. Anderson showed up at ringside and attacked Styles. RVD went for a top rope kick, but the ref got in the way and went down. RVD kicked Anderson at ringside, giving Styles a chance to recover. Styles then flip dove onto Hardy, RVD, and Anderson at ringside at 4:00. Styles DDT'd RVD on the floor, then threw him into the ring. He covered RVD and pushed off the bottom rope with his feet for "added leverage" (it looked like it took away leverage based on how far he had to strain to reach the bottom rope with his feet) and scored the pin. Anderson mockingly apologized at ringside afterward.

WINNER: Styles in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Kind of a mess, and just too short for a three-way match between stars of this level.

[Q8]

-Hardy grabbed the mic afterward and called Anderson a "circus clown without the make-up." He called him to the ring and said the Hardy Congregation is ready for him. Anderson teased heading to the ring, then called "psyche" and began to walk backward. Hogan walked out onto the stage, though. Hogan crossed his arms and shook his head at Anderson. Taz said Anderson got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Anderson took a swing at Hogan. Hogan blocked it and then punched him. Hardy joined in with a flying elbow to the head. Tenay said Impact isn't over, so stay tuned. [c]

-Back from the break, Anderson had the advantage on Hardy at ringside. Tenay said they're about to show the viewers the secret footage of what happened between Abyss and Chelsea. Hardy, meanwhile, fought back against Anderson and set him on a table next to the stage. Hardy then climbed onto the announce table. He took off his shirt and then flip dove onto Anderson, smashing him through the table. The crowd chanted, "TNA! TNA!" Tenay called for every angle of that move to air on replay. They showed it from about four angles.

-They showed blurry footage in the women's bathroom of Wolfe ripping Chelsea's dress and making her look like she had been assaulted. Chelsea said she was scared to do this. She practiced telling her lie, then said, "Let's do it!" I suppose earlier they established Lacey "had to pee" so it'd make sense that she was able to secretly film Wolfe and Chelsea in the bathroom planning their false accusation. Are we supposed to believe Lacey doesn't pee unless it's announced on TV? It felt so contrived and unnecessary. Also, I assumed at first the same person secretly filming people in the bathroom was the same person who was secretly filming Jeff Hardy in his own locker room.

-They went back to Tenay and Taz at ringside. Tenay said something tells him Abyss will make Wolfe and Chelsea pay for their lie at Sacrifice. Taz said he wouldn't want to be Wolfe on Sunday.

-A lengthy video package closed out the show hyping the PPV (which included an extended clip of Jordan squirting white sauce all over his body). TNA used to put a lot of effort into show-closing music videos, and it's not a bad idea to bring that back, especially in this situation where it's the final pitch for a PPV and the video tries to bring home all of the key angles and moments in the feuds that make up the PPV line-up.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I'm never crazy about entrusting a pro wrestling promotion with a fake-rape type of storyline. Pro wrestling's history of handling false accusations by women against men pretty much always ends up with an uncomfortable storyline that just reeks of the men running the show trying to send some signal rooted in their real life frustration with women. There are some places pro wrestling storylines should go, not because there's some hard and fast rule against it, but just because it's so difficult in a wrestling environment to pull it off without taking viewers to a place I don't think they want to go when watching pro wrestling... More sloppy wrestling on this show than usual for TNA throughout many of the matches... They didn't do any follow up on the Sting-Jarrett feud. The Sting turn feels so flat and contradictory that I think it'd led to pretty much total ambivalence... The character development remains a mess. Are Team 3D now heels? Should we sympathize with Williams, since Kaz sure seems to? Is Sting still fighting for TNA and does he still love TNA?... The backstage video footage is more creepy and disconcerting than innovative and compelling. That concept needs some tweaking... I'll also say there were quite a few scenes on this show that demanding more acting chops than the people involved have... My Score: 4.0...


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