By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist

Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Neophytes, Humanoids, Walker Texas Ranger, Monty Python's The Black Knight, Undertaker The Brand, Eve's Friend, and Cena Sucks

One of the Elimination Chambers got backed up at work and it was a big mess.

Anyway, we start with Jerry Lawler, who is going to moderate an Elimination Chamber debate, with podiums and everything. Look, the only WWE viewers who also watch the Republican debates are Wade Keller and Pat McNeil.

"Vote for me!" C.M. Punk says, and the fans do. C.M. Punk! C.M. Punk!

John Laurinaitis, with David Otunga by his side, interrupts Punk's speech and accepts his Grammy for Best Interim Vice President.

What exactly are naked pictures of bestiality? Never mind.

Punk gives the right answer to the question "Why do you think you will win the Elimination Chamber match?"

"Because I'm the Best Wrestler in the World."

Vickie Guerrero says, "I think there should be no booing allowed."

R-Truth delivers a comedy monologue about a box of spiders written for him by WWE Creative.

Poor Miz goes over his allotted time.

Kofi Kingston has been overlooked for too long. He might try winning his matches.

Chris Jericho is surrounded by neophytes. He's about to enunciate. I always did like Nick Bockwinkel. (For you neophytes, Bockwinkel was the AWA Heavyweight Champion, managed by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. He used a lot of big words to irritate the humanoids, too.) Anyway, he's taking C.M. Punk's WWE Title. (Jericho, not Bockwinkel.)

The debate is over. I've seen worse

…. this year.

Lawler announces that everyone's wrestling in singles matches and first up is Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston. Jericho stalks Punk, instead, but catches a Trouble in Paradise spin kick from Kingston instead.

Chris Jericho faces Kofi Kingston. Jericho wins a good match with a code-breaker.

Walker Texas Ranger walks in backstage and hugs Triple H.

Busted-up, wheelchair-bound, dumb-ass Zack Ryder is back, with Valentine's flowers for Eve. John Cena points out that Kane will beat him up again and makes him promise to stay in Cena's dressing room so it will be easier for Kane to find him.

Otunga has a plan to make John Laurinaitis permanent General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown. Well, not this month.

Daniel Bryan is out to watch the match between Big Show and Randy Orton. Come to think of it, I did an inadvertent Bryan imitation last Wednesday night a little after eleven o'clock.

Orton is wrestling Big Show because he's understandably sick and tired of the big oaf screwing up and saving Bryan's title every week. Orton gets another title shot on Smackdown this week.

Jerry Lawler points out that Cole praises Bryan on Raw and belittles him on Smackdown and threatens to tell on him.

Orton hits a big rope-DDT on Show, then the worst RKO ever. Some of the Cena-hater types aren't kind. Bryan is so disgusted with the blown spot he cracks Orton on the side of the head with his title belt, then does the same to the prone Show.

It's as strong a heel as Bryan has been since he got the belt. Good stuff.

Shawn Michaels is out. Everyone is really, really happy to see him. The only way to get over these days is to stay away. That's why you don't see the Mojo every week.

Oh God, Twitter. Well, at least it didn't take long.

Exposition, exposition, exposition.

Michaels doesn't believe Triple H isn't going to wrestle The Undertaker at WrestleMania. He figures it's some head Game.

Triple H comes on down. They josh each other a little.

HBK wants to hear the awesome news about Triple H accepting the match. No news.

"He won the battle. I won the war. I have to end him. I'm not that guy anymore."

"That's what you do. You finish people. That's what makes you the Game."

"Are you telling me you married that chick and became one of them? A corporate sell-out?"

Oh no, he didn't.

"When a man backs down from a challenge, he becomes a coward."

Triple H leaves.

"Walk away, because that's what a coward does."

"All of this, all of it, is going to be mine. I look at Undertaker as a brand that's good for business."

"You, me, Undertaker, we are the end of an era, a smash mouth style, we left it all in the ring every night. I'll be damned if I'm the one to end that era."

So, in case you need that translated, the guy who's going to be running the biggest wrestling company in the world just said wrestling won't be good again.

"Look me in the eye and tell me no. Look me in the eye!"

Triple H takes off his jacket, and goes face–to-face with Michaels.

"No."

A disappointed Shawn Michaels walks past Triple H.

Gong.

It's another tremendous Taker video, showing him cutting his long hair with a straight razor.

"Keep your pity. Give me what is mine. Immortality."

This was great. Triple H really pulled off some complex character stuff and they made you really want the match.

R-Truth faces Dolph Ziggler, two of the modern guys who aren't smash mouth. Truth wins a quick match.

Santino Marella pesters Monty Python's Black Knight backstage.

Beth Phoenix is out to scout Tamina Snuka, who faces a 78-pound Bella twin. Tamina wins with a Superfly splash. That made sense, but Tamina needs to pause a little before leaping.

They play another Rock video. It's great, too. Rock has a lot of famous friends because he's famous too, you know.

I knew that gyno would come in handy in Hollywood.

Cena is backstage to react to the video (chicken) but before he can we hear him, there's screaming because Kane is trying to kill Eve again.

Cena jumps Kane but Kane knocks him down and gets in the ambulance Eve is hiding in. Eve dives into Cena's arms just as the ambulance is pulling away.

You know what's coming next. Eve lays a wet one on Cena, who kisses her back, then questions what just happened.

Now Zack Ryder's the cuckolded Black Knight, on Valentine's Eve.

Cena sucks.

Eve then gives Ryder the "I care about you as a friend" speech. You know how many times I've heard that speech? Well, do you?

Darn girls.

C.M. Punk wrestles Poor Miz. Poor Miz taps to the Anaconda Vice. Chris Jericho mirthlessly grins backstage.

Kane's ambulance is back. Jerry Lawler speaks for viewers everywhere when he moans, "Oh no."

John Cena is out to apologize to Zack Ryder. He blames Kane for turning his friends (friend) and the WWE Universe against him. Hey, Kane didn't kiss Eve back.

"We all hate you!"

Anybody would turn evil.

Anyone but Cena.

Oh God, another "comfortable in my own skin" speech.

Cena ought to sue WWE Creative for non-support.

"You have my word at Elimination Chamber Kane leaves the arena in an ambulance." Didn't he leave tonight in an ambulance, his own ambulance?

Here comes the Black Knight, limping to the ring again. What a glutton for punishment. He snatches the mic from Cena, then slaps him.

Cena takes off his shirt, almost gives in to the hate, and then drops the poor fool.

Kane is on the big screen. He reads a speech written by WWE Creative about Cena embracing the hate.

Kane rolls the Black Knight off the stage again. Happy Valentine's Day!

Hamlet is feeling a lot of guilt, exactly the emotion you want your biggest pro wrestling star to evoke.

How can one show do so well with one set of main-eventers, and so poorly with the other?

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