Mojo Mitchell's Rock Raw Stream of The Great One, The Good One, The Nice One, and The Rest
By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist

"We can only pray."
- Jerry Lawler

The King is right. The only way this Michael Cole Challenge to Jim Ross that starts this three-hour Raw turns out the way it would if dotty old Vince McMahon was sane is through Divine Intervention.

If Jim Ross wins, Cole is out and he's the main announcer on WWE again. That's what Cole says.

Cole, of course, does all the talking. Well, Cole does all the speaking. McMahon does all the talking. Anyway this is a three-part challenge. First up is an arm-wrestling contest, which Ross immediately wins. Cole says something about barbecue breath.

Next up is dance competition. Jim Ross is actually a great babyface, one of the better ones in the business. Look at how he garners fans support in this no-win nonsense. (Cole is a great heel, it's just that it kills the product, which I guess mean he's not so great.) Ross wins, and is admirable doing it even though he can't dance a lick. So Ross is up two to nothing in a three-part challenge. You'd think that meant he's back and Cole is out.

If you were a normal person who doesn't watch Raw, that is. Cole announces that Ross has to win the last challenge to get his old job back. Of course he doesn't, because they make the two get on a scale and the one who weighs less wins. The really dumb part of this is that Ross has lost a significant amount of weight and getting weighed in public would be anything but embarrassing for him.

Cult of Personality hits. C.M. Punk needs a real target for his pipebombs to be effective and Cole is certainly that. Punk tells the truth about Cole and (kind of) about John Laurinaitis, who comes out, says the word Twitter, and then makes a match for Punk.

Cole lords it over Punk, too, except Punk snaps and chokes him out in the Anaconda Vice, so Raw is born again. Well, we'll see.

A limousine shows up. You think it's Rock, but it's Mick Foley. He looks good. He's lost weight and got a haircut. Dixie Carter must be thrilled when she gets a load of guys like him and Kevin Nash after they go back to the Mothership.

Sin Cara & Kofi Kingston face Cody Rhodes & Hunico (yet another Hispanic gangster wresting gimmick). Rhodes had his plastic mask ripped off by Randy Orton ten days ago on Smackdown, so that has run its course. Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes on Kingston (he's doing time, too) for the clean pin.

Santino and Zack Ryder debate Rock vs. Cena in an entertaining, everyone-is-talking-about-it segment.

Vickie Guerrero makes an announcement about Christian's fake and real injuries. He's out of Survivor Series. She blames Smackdown GM Teddy Long. She spoke to John Laurinaitis and…

Dolph Ziggler is taking Christian's place at Survivor Series on Team Barrett, Ziggler announces.

Ziggler faces The Neon Sign, who wins on a cheapie DQ because, like many Neon Signs, he can't wrestle. Ziggler leaves, only the New and Improved John Morrison throws him back into the Neon Sign. Ouch.

You had to know the first person Mick Foley would run into backstage is Zack Ryder.

Cole is back with John Laurinaitis, who fires Jim Ross again. So much for the big-sell at the end.

Mick Foley is in the ring. "There is no place like home." Whatta mensch. He puts over one of his best friends - The Rock (yay!) - and John Cena (boo!) "That's all right, I want to you see John Cena the way I see him, as one of the greatest performers in WWE history."

Well, gee, they should have brought in Mick Foley years ago and we could have avoided all this Cena Sucks stuff altogether.

Isn't this Cena's hometown? Shouldn't he be getting more cheers here than anywhere else?

Mensch Mick Foley puts over goyim John Cena too well. It's awkward enough (even though Foley, the expert, is right, Cena does have years of great (well, really good) matches) until we get to the inevitable John Cena, This is Your Life.

Cena: This isn't a good idea.

Consumer Warning: I was there live for the famous This is Your Life, The Rock segment with Foley and I thought that was long and pointless. I was right, but it drew an enormous rating that has keep Vince Russo employed in the wrestling business ever since.

John Cena's fake Little League Coach does some acting. His old rap partner Bull Buchanan (the Mensch got a veteran a nice payday, I guess) does that cornball deal where he puts over his team with Cena as the greatest time in his life, but ends up blaming him for ruining his life.

"Finally, something worse than the Shockmaster," John Cena notes.

John Cena, Sr. (Cena's father) heels it up to Cena's embarrassment, sort-of signing at the male fans, blaming them for unfairly booing his son. Cena tries to hide inside his ball cap.

You're supposed to feel sympathy for Cena good-naturedly enduring this.

I think.

Cena starts his big promo about how this isn't what he's about, but kind of gives up on it.

Foley says he has five more guests.

Finally, here comes The Rock to the rescue, looking extra badass. He Rock Bottoms Foley and leaves.

That was weird.

Sheamus faces Jack Swagger, giving WWE Universe a chance to shake its collective head in confusion.

Alberto Del Rio is going to party with the Bella Twins after he beats C.M. Punk at Survivor Series, unless they go to Long Island with Zack Ryder. Nope, I guess Ryder is out. Darn girls.

You know, it's the sixth anniversary of Eddie Guerrero's death and I haven't seen the first sign in the crowd commemorating it. I guess life moves on, huh?

Kelly Kelly is on the cover of Maxim Magazine so she gets a quick win over Natalya to celebrate.

This show is too long.

John Laurinaitis passively-aggressively tells Alberto Del Rio to attack C.M. Punk before their Survivor Series match for the title. Michael Cole points to his injured shoulder and says he'll be rooting for Del Rio.

The four-foot-seven-inch Matt Striker asks the fuming R-Truth and The Miz if they feel disrespected by Rock and John Cena. No answer.

Alberto Del Rio stomps C.M. Punk out by the trucks.

Big Show & a one-armed C.M. Punk (isn't that ironic, just like Michael Cole) face Mark Henry & Alberto Del Rio. I would have paid money to see Andre The Giant run around and slap hands like Big Show here. I hope Matt Morgan and Crimson are watching Henry and Show lock up. Of course, the key is getting over as a monster big man first before you lock up, though. Del Rio pins one-armed Punk, and even tries to rip his arm off with his armbar, so, by the laws of Even-Steven booking, Punk Fans know their guy will win the WWE Title at Survivor Series and will order the show accordingly.

Santino is out to remind everyone how close he came to winning the Royal Rumble here in Boston earlier this year. He's going to put his career back on the track and next year when he comes back he's going to be a champion.

NWO music.

911, I mean, Kevin Nash is out. Marella is scared. Nash says he's one of Marella's biggest fans. Nash asks for the trombone, then kicks Marella in the head when he gets it. Nash does one of his babyface heel promos to the delight of the Boston fans, bragging about "blowing the roof off the place the last time I was in Boston." Well, that's certainly true.

"Triple H, I'm here and you're not!"

This show is too long.

The Wade Barrett Barrage has conquered Sheamus and Randy Orton in consecutive weeks. Barrett is out with his SS team. Orton comes out with his.

Wade Barrett (w/his SS team) faces Randy Orton & Even Steven (w/their SS team). Even Steven doesn't have his day because this just turns into a big ol' fight with the good guys kicking ass. The Neon Sign looks like he hurts.

Why the hell did the ring announcer announce The Rock before his If You Smell What The Rock Is Cookin' music hit? Would we not have known who it was?

The Rock runs down his itinerary. He's real busy. He's real good at promos, too, and hits the local highlights. One problem with six days, it's not right now. Right now is what drives the Rock.

The most entertaining man in twittertainment – Boots to Asses is tending worldwide.

Rock doesn't want to wait. He wants to kick The Miz and R.Truth's asses right now.

Here they come.

Really? Really? Really, Rock?

Don't "What" Me!

Truth steps up, but Miz holds him back.

Miz: That's not going to happen right now. It's all about what we want.

Big "Boots to Asses" chant.

Someone remembers to send John Cena out. Cena starts in with the only thing Team Bring it has brought in the last seven years is some crappy messages worldwide.

"Cena's lady parts" trending worldwide.

"Cena bitch-slapping Rock" worldwide.

Miz: I'm so sick of the Rock and Cena show. Why not make it a national holiday?

Boots to Asses. Rock and Cena jump Miz and Truth.

Rock RBs Truth, then pulls Miz away from Cena's Attitude Adjustment to RB him too. Rock one-ups Cena, then walks to the ramp, where he gives Cena the You Can't See Me fingers.

Miz and Truth were great here, but WWE is focused on the big picture, where the big money is, and that's the tension between Rock and Cena. This show wasn't much for two-and-three-quarters hours, but it was great the only time that really mattered.

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