MITCHELL'S TAKE MOJO MITCHELL'S RAW 3/28: Stream of The Great One on The Big Show gets A Great Big Guilt Trip
Mar 28, 2011 - 11:28:17 PM
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By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist
This is the biggest Raw in who knows when.
We start with Chicago's own Hawk and Animal, I mean, C.M. Punk in the ring. He does a measured, deliberate soliloquy about crushing Randy Orton's knee with a wrench last week. I have to say, Mrs. Orton's reaction behind that glass bus door to Mr. Punk wasn't PG 13. He embraces Chicago fans as his own before ripping them as sheep. This is a little long.
A clearly hurting Orton arrives and beats up Punk. He has Punk in the corner and is running in for the punt when his knee gives way. Punk recovers and gives Cena the Go To Sleep. It's a hell of a heel deal, even if Chicago reacts like Punk quarterbacked the Bears to the Super Bowl championship.
It might be a long night in the City With The Big Shoulders for young John Cena.
The famed Edge & Christian team reunites to face Alberto Del Rio & Broadus Clay. The groundwork continues for a Christian turn on Edge. On Smackdown Christian got a pin on Del Rio (with Edge's help) so he can claim he deserved the WrestleMania title shot. In this match Edge pins Clay (again) while Christian is out of the ring, vulnerable to a Del Rio's arm-wringer. Edge makes the save and chases off Del Rio after he sees what is happening.
Del Rio returns while Edge checks on a prone Christian to back-jump Edge and try to break his arm, too. This is solidly booked stuff.
The email Raw General Manager rules (through Michael Cole's iPad) that he wants to see if Jerry Lawler is ready for WrestleMania. Lawler has to wrestle Cole's trainer, Jack Swagger tonight. Is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin still the special referee for this thing? No one ever brings it up anymore.
Lawler thinks it's a good chance to pay back Swagger for what he's done the last few weeks. Dollars to doughnuts Lawler never gets the chance to cut that money promo about tearing Cole to shreds.
Good real music Triple H-Undertaker video…
Your basic Tough Enough promo… hey, I know her!
The CORRE is in the ring, Kane and the Big Show come down. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov follow. This is going to be an eight-man match at 'Mania.
Justin Gabriel faces Santino Marella. Kozlov cheats to help Morella, who is one good guy the Chicago fans love. Kane, that psychopathic scamp, and the Big Show, that teddy bear, celebrate by miming trombones in tribute.
The WWE All Stars video game clearly isn't covered by the Wellness Policy, giving every kid who plays it something to which to aspire.
Undertaker is out first for our top-of-the-hour main event showdown with Triple H. We get the full Man in Black effect (with a little Dylan inflection.)
It's basic Triple H (and basic Lemmy) except when Triple H turns his back to spit the water the bell tolls and the lights go out. The bell tolls again and the two are staring each other down in the ring again.
Another interruption – "The Heartbreak" Kid Shawn Michaels sings himself down. He looks like a kid who knows he shouldn't sneak into the adults' party.
There was absolutely no way he was going to miss this. – the biggest match of their careers. "After this Sunday neither of you will be the same again."
HBK: "What in the world makes you think (turns to Triple H) you can do what I couldn't?"
Triple H: "Truth is, you got soft. I have to win. I will win."
Triple H pays real tribute to the Dead Man, and that work ethic that drove him to wrestle with a flak jacket around all his broken ribs, the ethic that killed so many in this business. It's a hell of a promo, maybe Triple H's best in a long career.
Triple H: "I am the one, as in eighteen and one."
"Taker's turn: "If I ever got to the place where someone should put me down I would want it to be you, but it ain't that time.
"...If you don't believe me, ask him (indicates Michaels).
The crowd oooohs.
"...I don't see the same arrogance, the same confidence. I see a man I humbled."
Michaels is furious. Taker steps up and Triple H punches him back, hard. Michaels goes for a super-kick, which Taker easily blocks. The Dead Man goes for the chokeslam, but Hunter stops him.
Triple H: "Tell him Shawn, tell him why I'm going to beat him at WrestleMania."
An incensed Shawn Michaels leaves instead.
That was just tremendous. The three couldn't have made the stakes in their main event seem any higher while leaving plenty of intrigue on the table.
Jerry Lawler, who has new music (why the hell does Jerry Lawler have new music?), faces Jack Swagger. A minute in Lawler grabs a chair and starts wearing Swagger's ass out. That makes sense. He then takes the chair and goes for Michael Cole in his box. Josh Matthews begs Lawler not to do it. He'll lose his job. "Six days!"
Cole's security holds Lawler back after he almost gets in the box. Cole throws what looks to be a Mountain Dew in Lawler's face. At least I hope it was a Mountain Dew.
No big promo for Jerry Lawler, one of the greatest promo guys ever for his WrestleMania debut. What a waste. Pretty good segment anyway, though….
"What if your husband says he wants a divorce?" Oh yeah, like that's how that will work. (Wait, did I write that out loud?)
Vickie Guerrero does a hell of a John Morrison entrance. Dolph Ziggler & Sheamus face John Morrison & Daniel Bryan. Sheamus pins Bryan in a decent match, so according to Even Steven and Celebrity Match Rules, Snooki's team wins at WrestleMania.
Jeremy Borash's older brother interviews Randy Orton, who plays the psychopathic babyface even better than Kane. He's not happy with C.M. Punk.
Ah, now we get the Road Warriors, whose fake hometown was right here in Chicago. They (and "Precious" Paul Ellering) are going to be inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame. I actually saw a guy in the gym today wearing a Road Warriors t-shirt, and believe me, it's not a Roadies kind of gym.
Trish Stratus and Snooki are out drinking. Snooki gets in the fakest bar fight ever with what appears to be TNA's Robbie E... Back to Josh.
No, back to the bar, where Lay Cool jumps our heroines. "Mania, Bitch!"
And it's showtime…
Rock is out first. No sense in having John Cena getting chewed up by that Chicago crowd having to wait for him.
The big, big babyface heat, and Rock makes nice with Chicago, pointing out that this is where Rock had his first WrestleMania match. "Die, Rocky, Die!" This is also where the Rock first decided to … bring it.
"Homeless Power Ranger…"
"You can't see this? A fist to his lips and a boot to his ass…"
"To put it in words you can understand, John Cena, the People's Champ is here!"
Cena is in the ring really fast. He grins as his signature (rap) music plays. Well, they're mostly booing.
"Rock, this is where you belong. Do you hear the millions calling your name? Years ago I was one of the millions. I didn't understand why you left. (Bullshit.) Feel the electricity and excitement that can only be brought by one man – you, Rock!"
Geez, the first promo in wrestling history based around making a guy feel guilty. Who is John Cena, The Rock's mother?
"What problems did Rock have with me?"
"My color was wrong. The music I listen to, my moral code (ha) was "hot garbage" and this surprised me, my audience is kids."
"Who the hell are you to judge me?"
He means Rock, not us. It's our job. And fans judge wrestlers all the time, that's what the business is.
Rock says only God judges him. I have to say, none of this seems worth fighting for.
Cena: "I've said everything I have to say. You wanna fight?"
"Awe-some!" (Darn it!)
Miz and Alex Riley come to the ring. Run, Alex, run!
Miz: "This month I've owned you. John Cena is going to lose at WrestleMania. At least he'll fight."
What about you, Great One? I know a secret. You're not going to do anything tonight. One of the biggest movie stars in the world isn't going to risk getting beaten up and embarrassed by the likes of me.
Rock: "Miz, you should know by now, it doesn't matter what you think."
Miz and Riley jump Rock and beat him down to the mat. Rock makes his own comeback, drives Riley from the ring, and then drops Miz, the WWE champion, completely out. I think we have a new number one contender.
But then the old number one contender, John Cena, catches the Rock and gives him the Attitude Adjustment. He even gives a slight sneer after he does it.
The Rock is left lying on the mat as the show goes off the air. Considering all that was what I figured would happen at WrestleMania, I wonder what's going to happen at WrestleMania.
And as good as the Rock/Cena/Miz stuff was, tonight, the Triple H/Undertaker/Shawn Michaels stuff was better.
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