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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 5/17 Stream of Bang, Zoom, To The Moon

May 18, 2010 - 6:26:39 PM
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Mojo Mitchell's 5/17 WWE Raw Stream of Bang, Zoom, To The Moon

We start with Old Man, I mean "Hit Man" Bret Hart going to the ring to wrestle. What, I thought TNA got chased off Monday nights.

He looks thrilled. We're in Toronto. Well, they're in Toronto, I'm in Greensboro. Anyway, Bret couldn't believe his ears when The Miz challenged him to take a shot at the U.S. Championship in Canada. He called up WWE and told them to book the match.

Then, he watched TNA on Thursday and Sunday night and realized how bad it looks when old guys hog the spotlight.

Hart doesn't want to end up like those old farts, so he's not wrestling tonight.

Chris Jericho wants to know why Bret Hart came back. I think I saw this speech several times a couple of months ago. Bret Hart is a bigger hypocrite than all the rest of these hypocrites.

Basically these two try to one-up each other without cracking up themselves. Jericho wins when he declares himself the Best There Is, The Best There Was, and the Best There Ever Will Be.

Jericho is good enough here that Bret is the clear favorite between the two in Toronto by the time this ends.

"Hey, Jericho, tell Miz to put his boots on."

Jericho is worried Hart will try to DQ himself so he can claim he "tried." He wants the match to be No DQ, No Count Out, Anything Goes.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Nice of the old man to set up Hart for one last standing ovation in Canada. Whatta guy.

Since we have no commercials, the talented Sports Entertainers send up some commercials - the first is a Geico commercial. Can wwe.com save you money? Does The Great Khali hate rental cars? They should have cut it with the visual.

Randy Orton and Edge get to pick each other's opponents, so seeing how it's Canada Night here (there) in Canada, Orton picks Edge's old partner, Christian, as his opponent. It's such an obvious observation that Jerry Lawler makes it too.

Edge faces Christian. Since they made this match with little fanfare (considering the history between the two), don't look for this to be a future program unless Edge tumbles down the ladder hard. Too bad, it's a good match.

Hell, this should have been the main event. Both are more over here than they've been since either's return. Edge wins clean with a spear. Best match on Raw in who knows when...

Orton is on the big screen. "Hey, why is Christian out there? Because that is not who you're facing tonight."

Gong. Gong.

Gulp.

Edge faces The Undertaker. (The Dead Man needs to turn his phone off if he is ever going to get some rest.) Edge does the smart thing and gets counted out without ever entering the ring.

Christian throws him in anyway. Edge takes a chokeslam.

WWE is definitely responding to the ratings the last few weeks. At least they know how to up their game, unlike those poor WCW Killers in Orlando.

Maryse backstage points out she's French Canadian, (Boo!) after complaining about a Trish Stratus magazine cover, then she fights Eve Torres.

Buzz and Mrs. Aldrin meet Vickie Guerrero. I liked Mrs. Aldrin better when she was married to Mongo McMichael. Buzz has the Bella Twins kick Vickie out of his office.

An injured Mark Henry gets attacked by a two-by-four wielding Batista before their match. Ouch. Batista calls for the spotlight, and gets it. If I were Mark Henry, I'd beat up the light guys first.

A bad Mastercard parody starring Ted DiBiase and R-Truth airs.

Virgil takes a break from sitting behind card tables at comic book and wrestling conventions all over the continent to second young DiBiase against Yoshi Tatsu. There's your Randy The Ram. DiBiase wins. A sullen Virgil goes to get the microphone. They couldn't find him a shirt? DiBiase announces Virgil is getting another paycheck; he'll be in DiBiase's corner against R-Truth at the pay-per-view.

This Million Dollar Boy thing needs work.

The Miz does a walking promo on the way to the ring. He's going to make Bret Hart tap out with his very own Sharpshooter.

Bret comes down to face the Miz for the U.S. Title. Michael Cole acts like he wants to call for non-existent breaks every three minutes.

The Miz has back-up: William Regal and Vlad Kozlov. The Hart Dynasty brawls to the back with them.

Chris Jericho steps in the ring with The Miz.

Uh-oh.

Natalya steps in and slaps Jericho hard. Miz throws her out. Jericho low-blows Bret. David Hart Smith attacks Jericho. Miz knocks him out of the ring.

Miz goes for the Sharpshooter, Tyson Kidd slips through a missile drop-kick, Hart Smith and Kidd hit a Hart Attack to Miz, Bret slaps on the Sharpshooter, and a generous Canadian crowd gives him a Lifetime Achievement standing ovation. I'm glad they did.

Santino Marella is not the most interesting man in the world, and WWE Creative aren't getting jobs in Hollywood any time soon.

Eve Torres and the Bella Twins face Layla, Maryse, and Michelle McCool. They're working hard. Maryse DDT's Eve so Eve can win the pay-per-view match.

"Perfectly Flawless" is redundant, and therefore neither is.

Man, they don't like John Cena in Toronto. Even backstage you can hear them. Cena explains Wade Keller's job, then makes a political-style speech that no one live is buying.

He keeps on talking, something about he won't ever be the champion if he quits because the quitter shouldn't be the champion and vice versa (or something.) He will not quit, much to the chagrin of the Toronto fans.

Randy Orton comes out to see who Edge chooses for his opponent. It'd be great if Edge chose Undertaker too, but alas it's not to be.

Randy Orton faces World champion Jack Swagger. Uh, Edge, Orton beat this guy like a drum last time out.

Swagger does get some offense in so Orton can work on his babyface selling. Orton makes his comeback and sets up for the RKO, but Edge waits to interfere and spears him. Edge sneers over Orton's prone body.

The biggest night in NXT history? I can't wait until they pull the plug on that dog.

Buzz Aldrin comes to the ring. Michael Cole burbles, "Buzz Aldrin has been great." Somewhere, Neil Armstrong is not watching. WWE fans are a bunch of rude jerks, that said, you'd think standing on the moon would be plenty.

Some indy guy comes to the ring to cut a promo on Buzz Aldrin and Canada. Where's security when you need them? Aldrin shows the YouTube clip where he punched that guy. Evan Bourne and Gail Kim face indy guy and Alicia Fox.

Hey, those Over The Limit promo videos are commercials, you know.

I wonder what Dennis Miller told his buddy Jon Lovitz about hosting Monday Night Raw?

Goldust creeps out some poor girl.

John Cena faces Sheamus, whom he has never beaten. Yikes, these people don't like Cena at all. Attitude Adjustment, but no, it's Batista for a bad Spinebuster, three of them to be exact. Batista locks Cena's arms behind his back, but our hero just won't give up as the show goes off the air.


We suggest these recent related articles...
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 10 (2000): Titled “Death of Hardcore” as Bruce discusses the apparent end of the Hardcore Wrestling era and also suggests what ECW must do to regain relevance
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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