By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are heading somewhere in a limousine to sign someone big. "Everyone's jumping ship," Hogan says. Yeah, to the Thursday night life-boat.

Mike Tenay announces that, for the first time ever, TNA is actually listening to the fans instead of just saying they're listening to the fans and doing that they want anyway, and bringing back the six-sided ring, I mean, firing Vince Russo, uh, getting rid of the old guys, no, cutting the comedy out, nope, I mean, stop pushing Jeff Jarrett as a star, uh, hauling ass back to Thursday night as fast as they can.

Ouch.

Jay Lethal comes out. He's got the ring Abyss gave to Hulk Hogan, after beating Ric Flair last week. Lethal is dressed in a suit, and does an almost half-decent Nature Boy for half too long.

2001 plays.

"In the world you want to survive in, you're standing in front of God right now."

Gulp.

Lethal: "Here, take the ring, you're the Hall of Famer. From the bottom of my heart, I've always wanted to do that. You're the Man. This is the greatest moment of my life."

Flair: "Thank you for giving me back my prized possession, but you're not out of the woods."

Flair slaps Lethal a few times. Lethal slaps him back. He chops him hard.

Lethal, of course, then has no trouble beating up God and putting him in his own figure-four.

Desmond Wolfe, A.J. Styles, and Beer Money save Flair, for a few seconds. Got to be careful about those heels getting any heat, you know. Abyss and Team 3D beat up all four, then to make sure fans get the idea, our TNA champ RVD hits the ring. (No Sting.) Just like every week, Team Flair runs away.

RVD tell the four horses' asses to get back down there for a fair fight. They do. Robert Roode even gets brass knucks out to beat up Brother Ray. All the other good guys beat up all the other bad guys, in case anyone out there gets the wrong idea.

Hogan limps down to the ring. Hogan punches out Styles and Roode, then no-sells Flair for the thirty-seventh time in a row. For you mathematicians counting at home, that means:

Hulk Hogan > (RVD + Team 3D + Jay Lethal + Abyss) > (Ric Flair + Robert Roode + Desmond Wolfe + A.J. Styles + Beer Money)

But you knew that.

Hogan steals credit for making the Desmond Wolfe-RVD title match from the TNA fans. Now y'all know how it feels. Hilarious.

Sting is up in the rafters, laughing to himself at how easy the money is.

Three strippers get ready for the first round of table dances.

Bad Guy Doug Williams makes complete sense "just stating facts." Williams & Brian Kendrick, "that lunatic," face Shannon Moore & Jesse Neal, who are now - get this - Ink Inc. You figure Vince Russo and Terry Taylor got together for that one?

The two use the Mooregasm (ugh) and the Neal Spear to pin the cute one. There's a joke here, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Matt Morgan talks really fast, hoping fans won't notice his angle, oops, "story" - (sorry, Vinny) - is really stupid.

Samoa Joe, who broke out of the crack-house with seemingly no ill-effects, muscle-busts an unconscious Kendrick for seemingly no reason. Whatta babyface.

Ric Flair kicks Jeremy Borash out of his dressing room. At least Flair knows he's been getting humiliated in every segment since he came in. He chews out everyone in his, uh, stable. Borash peeks through the door, which figures. If they don't earn some respect, he'll get some replacements.

This is pretty much close to reality for Flair, who must feel like he fell down the rabbit-hole again.

Hulk Hogan starts whining about how hard it's been for him in TNA. The ten hours a week he's putting in, with half of it getting his ego massaged (and the other half getting it crushed) must be tough. He's getting in Sting's face tonight.

Ken Anderson beats up the one-armed Pope backstage. Mr. Anderson is in an altar-boy robe. They ought to excommunicate Vince Russo. "They" meaning pretty much anyone associated with him.

More Catholic blasphemy. Anderson is in the ring. He's got stigmata on his sunglasses, (which reminds me, look for Anderson's new album, "Stigmata on My Sunglasses," with his new single "Plundered Her Panda," out May 16 on Brooke Hogan Records).

Poor dumb Russo doesn't know the difference between Catholics and Protestants, even though he claims to be both, sort of, so now he has the Altar Boy blaspheme Evangelicals with his promos.

Jeff Hardy, on behalf of the Creatures of The Night, i.e. Hell, challenges the Altar Boy to a match at, that's right, Sacrifice. Anderson understandably blows him off, since there's no money in fighting really popular wrestlers, at least not in TNA.

Hardy jumps the Altar Boy from behind, knocks him out with the Trademark WWE, then sticks his own mic in his face and accepts the match for him.

Hopefully Mr. Anderson didn't appreciate getting jumped from behind and next week announces he's still not wrestling Hardy.

Can TNA actually get it together long enough to pick, like, one specific thing to try to sell on their website?

The strippers got lost on the way to the pole, so they wrestle Taylor Wilde, Sarita, and a professional wrestler. You haven't lived until you've seen a stripper try a spin kick and a professional wrestler have to try to sell it.

The strippers win, just like in real life. The professional wrestler isn't happy.

Ooh, the professional wrestler is shooting! She challenges Madison Rayne for the TNA title and she's putting her "freaking career" on the line! That'll get those Internet marks talking! Which reminds me, that's got to be Shawn Michaels that Hogan and Bischoff were driving off to sign.

Beer Money faces The Motor City Machine Guns faces Team 3D. You probably know how this goes - no finish when Kevin Nash and Scott Hall hit the ring on Team 3D, only Eric Young, in a black t-shirt, hits the ring with a kendo stick, and - long pause - instead of hitting The Band, he hits Brother Ray with it instead! Hilariously, after that The Guns still knock Hall on his ass and go for Nash when Beer Money saves them too, because someone remembered that Flair said Beer Money better get some respect.

Orlando Jordan has a silver bra on. It's the O Zone. He tells the DL fans out there "it'll be our little secret." He interviews a poster of Rob Terry and his bulges. Jordan is bombing. Taz and the crowd completely reject this segment.

Rob Terry, who resents Jordan coming on to his poster, knocks him onto his sofa. Terry turns his back and Jordan gets him from behind. Terry bites his tongue in pain.

I'm in pain, thinking I'll have to watch that match, probably next week.

A.J. Styles faces Abyss in a Monster's Ball match because we're an hour-and-a-half in and Ric Flair hasn't bled yet. After a few minutes of the same old Abyss, Flair pushes Chelsea, who is in a raincoat, up to the apron of the ring. He demands she take the coat off and get nekkid. Abyss turns around, because he's never seen a nekkid woman, and objects, because he never wants to see one, either. Styles attacks Abyss with knucks, throws him on his own thumb tacks, and pins him.

The conniving Chelsea opens her raincoat and exposes her... dress. Women. Abyss was right, and relieved.

Desmond Wolfe wrestles Rob Vam Dam for the TNA Title. RVD wins clean with a frog-splash in a few minutes. An RVD-Nigel McGuinness dream match it isn't, and I suspect the fans who voted for Wolfe in the Internet are less than satisfied with the results. A.J. Styles immediately attacks RVD and demands, and gets, his rematch at Sacrifice.

"The Founder" Jeff Jarrett lay on the concrete backstage where Hulk Hogan finds him. He blames Sting for hitting him from behind.

"Immortal" Hulk Hogan limps to the ring. He whines about how the guy, whom he was counting on the most, changed. Hogan wants to find out what's real.

No, he doesn't.

Sting is in the ring, plastic baseball bat in hand. It's TNA that makes him tick. "My agenda is the same today as it was five years ago. It's to give back to the business and the brand, TNA, that I love."

It's a complete babyface promo and delivery, and the fans chant "TNA" in support.

Hulk Hogan responds with some Hulk Hogan talk about Sting choking Dixie Carter. This doesn't make much sense.

Sting: "It's your move."

Hogan tells him to take his best shot, but Sting, who only has a baseball bat with him, understandably starts to back away from the semi-mobile old man. Jeff Jarrett runs down, grabs the bat, and whacks Sting with it, but in a shocking cliff-hanger, Hogan holds Jarrett back from piling on Sting.

Can the Stinger be saved?

===

Bruce Mitchell is PWTorch's senior columnst. He has written for PWTorch since September 1990. He is widely regarded as pro wrestling's top columnist for two decades and counting. He joins PWTorch editor Wade Keller every weekend for a two hour discussion of pro wrestling's current events and it's past. The Bruce Mitchell Audio Show is exclusively available to PWTorch.com VIP members.

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