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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's WWE Raw Draft Night Stream of Pretty Much What You'd Figured Would Happen

Apr 26, 2010 - 10:46:32 PM
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We start with "change in the air." You bet.

Michael Cole sits between Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker, grinning like a jackanape. Odds are Lawler reaches over and gives Striker a quick whack. Too bad we're not in Memphis, Lawler could throw him off of a scaffold.

The Miz orally sticks pins in the Hart Dynasty balloon, and thanks to Teddy Long booking ShowMiz in an unfair Gauntlet match last night, he's got a point.

Miz demands that Bret Hart keeps his word and declare ShowMiz the greatest tag team of all time.

Which he does. He also declares The Mountie the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, and David Arquette the greatest World Champ. He calls Miz "a horse-faced idiot, and that's as close to the truth as I'm going to get here."

He adds: "Talk is cheap, it's action that counts."

ShowMiz defends the Unified Tag Team Titles against the Hart Dynasty. Bret Hart is at ringside. If HD doesn't win the belts here, Bret's going to look like a chump. David Hart Smith does the long, long vertical suplex on Miz. You should have seen Ric Flair do that to the giant-like Blackjack Mulligan back in the day.

Tyson Kidd makes Miz tap with a Sharpshooter after Bret breaks up Miz's attempt at a pin with his feet on the ropes. The Dynasty will hold the unified belts until a week after Bret Hart goes back home.

After the match a furious Big Show knocks Miz flat out. This break-up is way too fast (if it is a break up; if it isn't one, this could be fun – Miz shoots off his mouth because he can't help it, then worries that his Big partner might not like it.)

It doesn't look good for Triple H right now, what with the fake nerve damage Sheamus gave him last night (as opposed to the real nerve damage years of main-eventing gave him). He might have to retire if that movie he got out from under Batista takes off.

So, Triple H will be back in a few months.

Jack Swagger brags about beating Randy Orton and about his perfect college GPA in Finance. You gotta love WWE, where staying sober and getting an education makes you're a bad person.

The first of the if-you-think-about-it-for-ten-seconds-who-cares-which-brand-gets a random-pick matches is up. Michelle McCool & Layla from Smackdown face Eve & Maryse from Raw. Vickie Guerrero is at ringside. Eve fights her partner Maryse, then the match continues. McCool pins Eve when Maryse refuses to help..

In the first pick of the WWE 2010 Not-A-Draft, Smackdown gets Kelly Kelly. Matt Striker erupts. You'd think he assumed that...

Raw's Evan Bourne faces SD's C.M. Punk in another Draft match. C.M. Punk is working the hair gimmick like a champ. Punk wins the coveted random draft pick. Too bad the NFL draft isn't random. Mel Kiper would have to get a job.

The ShowMiz break-up and title loss is explained when Big Show goes to Smackdown. Too bad. I thought there was a lot more to be mined in ShowMiz.

SD GM Teddy Long is thrilled to have what seems at first like a petulant Giant, but Show breaks out in a grin and tells him "No problem, Teddy." Long does a little dance like he's in church.

Sheamus is out to pour salt in Triple H's wounds. "His career ended because I made it end. Now I want the WWE Championship."

Randy Orton is out now. What's he got to say about Cena's title? He dropped down the ratings ladder with that clean loss to the other champ, right?

That's not it. He's mad because he hated Triple H and did terrible things to him, but when it was time to fight him at 'Mania, he fought. He didn't jump him from behind with a steel pipe. (That's rich.)

The two are about to fight when John Cena comes out to introduce tonight's guest host. No one comes out. He gets a phone call from WWE Mobile - no guest host. What do I do? He starts making pale jokes about Sheamus with whoever is on the line (Paul Heyman? Gordon Solie? Ernestine?)

Turns out Cena has the power to pick his number-one contender. Why not? He wants someone to earn it, so Sheamus faces Orton tonight for the honors.

Kane, Rey Mysterio, Drew McIntyre, Shad Gaspar, R.Truth, MVP, Santino Morella, Mark Hentry, Yoshi Tatsu, and Ted DiBiase face off in a battle royal to get three draft picks. The typical lazy mid-card battle royal work. DiBiase and Rey fight it out, with DiBiase throwing him out. Santino was also left. DiBiase crushes him for playing the mime trombone. Santino better hope that sit-com works out.

Raw gets three picks – John Morrison (good move; he was stagnating on SD), R-Truth (who cares?), Edge (there it is; he too needs the change of scenery). Cole has "goose-bumps." Raw bad guy DiBiase realizes he just brought in three good guys. Nice work, dummy.

Dollars to doughnuts R-Truth is a "black guy trade" for Kofi Kingston.

Chris Jericho cries about what Edge did to him last night and wants someone in WWE to fine and suspend him. Jericho also blames his loss to Edge on being mentally shaken by losing to an unaccomplished nobody last week on NXT. Luckily, nobody saw it. Jericho wants an apology. Lawler says that wouldn't be wise of Heath Slater. Great weasel promo.

Slater, who beat Jericho on NXT, comes out. Lame music. Lame delivery. His mentor Christian comes out to fight Jericho for another draft pick. You figure Jericho wins this. Both he and his brand need one at this point. Slater gets a cheap shot from Jericho before the match, then stays to cheer his coach on. Wade Barrett is not there to do the same for Jericho.

Good match, as you'd expect. Jericho wins with a Code-breaker. Jericho beats up and Code-breaks Slater, too. Smackdown gets, yep, Kofi Kingston in a straight up quota trade. Kingston runs down and kicks Jericho in the head.

New Raw's John Morrison faces SD's Jack Swagger. The Guru of Greatness faces Summa Cum Lawdy. Swagger plays it straight, waiting in the corner for the match to begin. Morrison beat Swagger on Friday night, so this figures to be an Even-Steven get-back. Morrison gets a cork-screw plancha (not exactly ballet-like) on Swagger.

Morrison and Swagger are clearly out there to both to kill some time and show their wares. It's a three hour show, after all. They do okay. Swagger wins and SD gets Orton in another irony pick?

Nope. They get Christian, and Matt Striker's enthusiasm seems a little forced.

They're not having a celebrity co-host on Raw next week, either. Wayne Brady, they announce, will host instead.

Ted DiBiase tries to get Carlito to do something that's "not cool." DiBiase offers the same to R-Truth. Basically, he wants a bobo, a guy to carry "things." R-Truth calls it a "Virgil." DiBiase offers him a lot of money. Truth says he'll think about the offer, then slaps DiBiase. "I guess that's no," Lawler says.

John Cena pushes the WWE military gimmick hard in a video. NASCAR is doing the same thing.

Dolph Zigglar faces Whatever Happened to Hornswoggle for another pick. This doesn't figure to be good for Ziggler. HS runs away. Ziggler catches him, but gets counted out in the process. Ugh. Ziggler slaps his new/old sleeper on the little guy after the match. Lawler checks on Hornswoggle.

The final pick: Raw gets Chris Jericho. Well, at least Triple H will be at the movies for a little while.

Randy Orton faces Sheamus for the right to a title match with John Cena. First, though, we get Batista, who goes off about being the number one contender. John Cena can't beat me. Duct tape? Duct tape! Are you kidding, that's a joke. Cena owes me a match!

Good stuff.

Sheamus doesn't think so. "What is it with you people? When are you going to get it through your skull, you lost?" (I'm starting to like Sheamus.) "You're just like Orton."

Orton is tired of listening to Batista whine and complain, He offers to face Sheamus, beat him, then beat him too. Sheamus points out again that they're both losers, so the two advance on him.

Cena makes this a Triple Threat match. Why? Sheamus is the one who clearly deserves the shot. Striker says all three have a case, but only says for Sheamus. The crowd gets into it when it looks like Orton has both on the ropes, but Sheamus cuts him off. Batista hits a spear on Sheamus for a very close near-fall.

Orton has Sheamus RKO'd and ready to pin, and Batista is out, when a black-clad Edge comes in and spears Orton, Batista barely drapes his hand over Sheamus for the win, while Edge nods in approval. Cole notes that Edge and Orton have history.

Good repositioning for Edge, who wasn't making it as a top babyface.

Gee, who would have thought you could have a TV wrestling show without the one key, most important ingredient – a General Manager? Why, that's like a pro wrestling show with scripted dialogue, it's just unheard of.


We suggest these recent related articles...
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25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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