MOJO MITCHELL'S TNA IMPACT 4/12 Stream of For God's sake, call the police! They're looting the Food King!

Almost eight years ago, Jeff Jarrett founded Total Non-Stop Action... and it still hasn't gotten him over like he wanted.

He ain't playing games. He's going up to the rafters to find Sting.

There he is.

Sting just walks into a punch and lets Jarrett shove him down the stairs and another set of stairs and another.

"Gimme an answer."

Jarrett whips Sting's ass all the way to the ring.

Why, Sting, why?

Here comes Jeff Hardy, Abyss, and Rob Van Dam.

Remember all those years ago when Jeff Hardy was the most popular act in wrestling? What, it wasn't years ago?

Team Flair does a promo together. Flair's too hyper, but he's Flair. Storm gets in a catch phrase, Robert Roode says something, Desmond Wolfe is good, but Fake Steph has no chemistry with him, and A.J., the champ?

"...nothing and like it!"

Team 3D is mad at the Band, and so is Hogan, so somehow that means their match is now a six-man with Jesse Neal joining Team 3D. Does that make them Team 4D?

The real Ric Flair cuts a real Ric Flair promo on behalf on the Charlotte 600.

Team 4D faces The Band in a Guaranteed Concussion match. It's garbage. Big Lazy immediately finds a corner to sell in. All offense by the Dudleys, which means Neal is taking a fall. Here comes that mark Bubba the Love Sponge, who distracts Brother Ray as he's about to put Syxx-Pac through a table, and the table is turned (get it?), so Syxx pins Brother Ray, not Neal, so the heat is on the D.J.

Eric Young is going to get righteous, he says, in a good direct promo for his match with Nash.

Boy, Eric Young vs. Kevin Nash in a steel cage at Lockdown Sunday night is going to be a mat classic, huh?

Christy Hemmie says Team Hogan has been taking a beating due to Team Flair. Everything will be cool come Sunday, Hogan says. Hogan catches the wife fist-bumping Ric Flair. Uh oh.

Shannon Moore faces Kazarian. Both Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal look like idiots in 2010, much less like each other.

Dear Twitter Dixie,

What's your company's Wellness Policy, or don't you give a **** whether your talent lives or dies?

Nice to see a wrestling match. Oops, spoke too soon. Here comes X Division champ Doug Williams for some possible shenanigans. Williams doesn't appreciate these flip-floppers. He's confident in his ability to beat both these guys in yet another three-way match Sunday where no one much gets over.

Shannon Moore does a half-ass dive onto Kazarian.

Taz makes a little joke about invisible announcer Dave Penzer.

This is a time-limit draw, to the shock of everyone in the building who didn’t realize there was a time-limit to any of these matches.

Oh, God, not the Lockbox. Velvet Sky picked Angelina Love in a Leather and Lace match, whatever that means. (It means the loser is stripped to her underwear. Sure, she is.) She explains the convoluted stipulations for the Knockouts match at Lockdown. I quit listening as soon as I realized she was explaining convoluted stipulations for the Knockouts match at Lockdown.

Bischoff tells Hogan he was fist-bumping Flair to gain his trust, right in front of the camera. Bischoff tells Hogan he's keeping his enemies closer. Maybe it's a triple double-cross and Flair will relax because Bischoff actually said he was working him in front of the camera because if he was really working him, he would never say that in front of the camera, now would he?

Some kid in a Randy Savage costume wants Hogan's autograph.

Jeremy Borash interviews Angelina Love, who isn't a Lady of the Night. Tara is keeping her enemies closer too. It's tough without your spider.

Pope is going to define his life in another mid-card match with Desmond Wolfe, he says. Babyfaces need to say credible things. It's a going to take more than a concussion caused by whacking Abyss in the head with a steel fire extinguisher to keep Abyss down.

Oh no, it's not going to be a Leather and Lace match, it's going to be a handcuff a women behind her back and watch another women beat her up match. This is the ratings showdown match that's going to go up against the beginning of Raw.

One night Vince Russo is going to bolt straight up in that basement bed of his, admit something to himself, and never suffer from insomnia again.

Love and the other Beautiful People beat on Sky until Tara makes the save. This is some messed-up ****. Tara won't shake Sky's hand, though.

A car ran over Abyss outside the arena, I mean, Impact Zone. It's an Impact outside the Zone! I bet no one calls the cops.

Either David Hasselhoff is a bad actor or he thinks he's at the carnival.

Yep, no cops.

Jeremy Borash is so concerned about his good buddy Abyss that he doesn't even mention him when, immediately after the bad news, he interviews Matt Morgan about his partner, Hernandez, you know, the one Morgan tried to murder with no consequence on Impact three weeks ago. No one called the cops there, either. His new partner is Amazing Red, who TNA disrespectfully mocks by setting the camera at a level where he looks like a child in comparison to Morgan.

Matt Morgan & Amazing Red face the Motor City Machine Guns in another match-up that shows TNA creative doesn't understand even the basics of what they are doing. (In case you don't know, it's the height difference between Morgan and the other three, and Morgan's lack of mobility in comparison to them, that makes the wrestlers involved look like idiots.)

Wait, there's a surveillance video of the car ripping off Raw, I mean running over Abyss, Hemmie informs us. I bet no one has called the cops yet.

Amazing Red hits the Code Red for the surprise pin. Meanie Morgan beats him up anyway.

Abyss is laying there as the EMTs work over him. Hey, Christie, call the cops.

No one called the cops when James Storm busted a beer bottle over Rob Van Dam's head last week. They did when Jeff Hardy answered the door, but that wasn't TNA.

Christy Hemmie shows the video footage. They freeze-frame the driver. She acts like she recognizes him, but I don't. Again, where are the cops?

Not that Abyss won't put on his Super-Secret Hulk Hogan Decoder Ring and miraculously be ready for his match Sunday...

Jeff Hardy faces Robert Roode. Why these idiots don't push Hardy (while they can) above, say, everybody else in the company is beyond me. (Actually, it's not. You only do that if you're about making money, instead of just getting paid.)

Hardy is wearing some hoop earrings. Where's Harley Race when you need him? Hardy wins with a Swanton, then Roode's partner James Storm jumps him. Storm is going for a beer bottle bashing, but no, he blew a fireball in Jeff Hardy's face! Cops, call the cops...

Not to worry, Hardy will stop selling it halfway through the match Sunday night.

Within 15 minutes, a car ran over one wrestler and another got his face burned off. Next week, both will be forgotten.

Kurt Angle looks like a fading, tired wrestler and Ken Anderson's promo is the best thing on the show by far.

Abyss and The Pope have other things to worry about than Abyss, although "the Pope's prayers go a long way, trust me." Vince Russo's parents must be so proud of their Catholic son.

How is it that Budweiser sponsors TNA Impact, but not Monday Night Raw?

The Pope and that kid face, wait a minute Beer Money is beating up that little kid before he can get to the ring. James Storm busts a beer over the kid's head. If someone had called the cops when someone tried to murder Abyss this kind of thing could have been nipped in the bud.

Desmond Wolfe and A.J. Styles (with Ric Flair) face the Pope in a handicap match. Wait, Hogan hits Desmond Wolfe in the back with a steel chair, so now it's "Let's Go Pope!" against the young Nature Boy.

After a couple of spots Flair rolls up in his wheelchair, jumps out, and everyone beats up Pope. Hogan watches from the ramp.

Still no cops.

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