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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MOJO MITCHELL: Mixed-Up Mojo's Raw Impact Stream of Shocking Sting, Shocking RVD, Legacy Actually Beats Orton, and Mr. McMahon is Real Big

Mar 9, 2010 - 8:39:04 AM
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3/8: MOJO MITCHELL: Mixed-Up Mojo's Raw Impact Stream of Shocking Sting, Shocking RVD, Legacy Actually Beats Orton, and Mr. McMahon is Real Big

By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch Senior Columnist

This is going to be a mess of a Mojo, because it's going to be a mess of a Monday Night War.

We start with Hulk Hogan and the World's Greatest Hulkamaniac Abyss heading to the ring as the Impact Zone goes crazy, so crazy the Hogan chant almost doesn't sound piped in.

The First Five Minutes Shock is "They ain't got no reason to wait around." Hulk Hogan talks that Hulk Hogan talk, which boils down to "Let's get this over with."

I know the feeling.

Hulk Hogan & Abyss take on A.J. Styles & Ric Flair. Styles and Abyss beat up Hogan and Abyss immediately, allowing Hogan to lie down and not wrestle. The lights go out.

It's Sting!

Flair and Abyss head for higher ground. Sting has a plastic bat, and "they'll never see it coming," and never explain it coherently, and Sting attacks Hogan and Abyss. Flair and A.J. circle back around to help Hogan lie there some more. He does bleed a little.

Undertaker, on the other channel, cuts a promo on the dark cloud that follows that loser Shawn Michaels around. The fans chant HBK. Michaels comes down. Undertaker tells him he'll open the gates of hell and make him watch Hulk Hogan wrestle. Michaels tells Undertaker he is a dark cloud following him around until WrestleMania. Good one, Shawn.

First segment goes to Taker and HBK, who just let the force of their personalities and the drama of their WrestleMania predicament carry the day.

Dixie Carter is mad at Sting, who "owes her nothing." Sting is a heel, what idiots.

The match will re-start, except there's no do-overs in wrestling. Ric Flair cuts a good promo facing the camera. What was old is new again.

Some Divas wrestle. Eve, Michael Cole informs us, loves Salsa dancing.

Second segment goes to TNA, since they let Ric Flair be Ric Flair, and broke Kevin Dunn's rule about facing the camera.

Greg Valentine consoles Brooke Hogan, who tries to act concerned about her stiff upper lip father, and fails.

Frankie Kazarian had doubts about himself but those doubts are gone. He's here to reignite the flames of the X Division. Good luck.

Christopher Daniels says, no, he's going to carry the X Division. Notice they never explain how.

Doug Wiliams, who apparently is X Division champ, disagrees with both. Daniels and Kazerian argue about the history of the Division.

Eric Bischoff comes out to cut everyone's balls off. Bischoff claims he thinks the X Division is adrenaline and books a three-way X Division title match right now.

Click.

Show-Miz are in the ring. Miz cuts a strong heel promo then the tag champs face John Morrison & R-Truth in a mid-card WrestleMania giveaway match. Cole reads off some lame nicknames for Truth & Morrison. Seriously, Rock 'n' Rap? Show starts by kicking ass on the floor, but, uh, the other guys kick ass back and leave both lying. No match.

Good, clear segment to establish the thrown together challengers. 2 to 1 WWE, even though Bischoff likes the X action and gives Shannon Moore, who looks like an idiot, a title shot with winner Doug Williams just because he's pals with the Defendant.

"Steve," Dixie says because it's a shoot, books Sting in a mystery match for later tonight against the Black Scorpion.

Just like the X Divison match is booked in a way that makes sure no individual X performer gets over, they give an all-hands-on-deck Knockouts match designed to do the same thing.

Criss Angel, a magician (ugh), hypnotizes William Regal and guesses his lucky number.

Randy Orton beats up Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase from behind before their handicap match even starts.

I have no idea who won the KO match, or much care.

Desmond Wolfe leaves The Pope with a busted ankle, which doesn't stop "The Pope Is Pimping" chants.

Apparently Mike Tenay smokes dope.

Randy Orton faces his two subs. He doesn't seem to have too much trouble with them, but why should he?

The Beautiful People won the KO tag titles and Jeremy Borash gives them champagne, and they squirt it on him. It's less sexy than it sounds.

Sting faces the Black Scorpion, who turns out to be RVD. Sting loses to RVD in ten seconds. Sting then beats RVD to death with his plastic baseball bat.

The fans chant "RVD" in unison.

Holy crap, two guys actually beat one! Are the subs now the domms? I, for one, can't wait to find out at WrestleMania.

Apparently John Cena is counting on Batista getting involved in his match with Mr. McMahon. Batista promises he won't, and snidely wishes him god luck.

Kevin Nash got his hair back in shape for the big Monday Night War. He also got Hulk Hogan to sign a match between Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac and he & Eric Young at the next pay-per-view.

Poor Eric Young has a beating coming.

"Hall is wasted," the fans chant. Great.

Hey yo. Big Sell Out. Hogan's Stooge. Shizzle. TNA is starting to get cool. We want our cut. We want some fat money contracts.

Eric Bischoff says if they beat Nash & Young, they get the contracts, if they lose they do their stuff somewhere else. Nash and Hall shake hands. Pac slaps Young's face, the poor sap.

Eric Young beats Pac out of the building.

Triple H respects Sheamus for jumping from behind, then cuts his balls off by derisively saying he pinned him, costing him his title, and gave him a concussion.

Sheamus wants to make a name at WrestleMania with Triple H, who says he had the best first year of anyone ever. The Game tells him that story about how The Ultimate Warrior stiffed him at his first WrestleMania. You got to be willing to lay it all on the line for one shot. (One shot? How come I see the same guys there year in and year out?)

They fight in a back and forth brawl.

The Army arrives backstage at TNA. I hope they aren't there to search the place.

Nope, Kurt Angle shamelessly uses the soldiers to get himself over as a patriot. I remember when wrestlers who actually served did that. I also remember Captain Redneck Dick Murdoch.

William Regal faces Evan Bourne in a Money in the Bank qualifier. Bourne goes Air-Bourne for the pin.

Bubba the Love Sponge tries to stop Hulkamania. No one can stop Hulkamania. Earl Hebner needs a job. Bubba brow-beats Hogan in giving him one.

Hogan wants the most crooked ref in the game, who just took a bribe in his last match from Hogan's opponents tonight, to call off the match if he can't go on, because his kids are so worried, seeing as Hogan is old and crippled and all. Dumbass.

Jeff Jarrett is an ungrateful jerk again, and gets in a fight with his opponents tonight before their match, Beer Money. Dumbass.

Wow. The sixty-four year old Mr. McMahon sure looks big and muscular. How does he do it? I mean, and run a multi-national company too.

Beer Money beats Jeff Jarrett in the ring again. Mick Foley is the poor special ref.

Brooke Hogan is crying over her daddy, making wrestling acting look subtle. She looks just like Jillian Hall.

Chris Angel has been named the Magician of the Century, even though we have ninety years left to go. Hopefully, that means no more magicians.

John Cena faces Mr. McMahon, who sure talks a lot with a lot of energy. Oh, it turns out that this is a handicap gauntlet match. Bad Vlad Kozlov is McMahon's first partner. He beats up Cena. McMahon tags in, but Cena kicks out. Drew McIntyre. Same thing.

Ric Flair starts in on Hogan in our big TNA main event. Flair juices. Hogan sells nothing. Brooke is really excited. Abyss pinches Flair. Hogan whips him with his belt. Spike must be happy.

To be fair, though, Hogan sells Flair's low blow. A.J. Styles finally tags in and beats on Hogan, who juices. Hogan lies on the canvas, which is now his selling. Hogan takes a backwards bump for Styles.

Cena has McMahon up for an Attitude Adjustment, but that liar Dave Batista spears Cena (it looks like crap) and the sixty-four year old McMahon pins him.

Batista stands over Cena as the show goes off the air.

Abyss pins A.J. Styles. Desmond Wolfe hits Abyss with a chair. Hogan gets the chair but Flair clips him in the leg. The Pope hobbles down, but gets beat up by the three of the Four Horsemen.

The Defendant makes the save. That's right, he's a Hulkamaniac too.


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