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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's 3/1 Raw Stream DX, Batista, Johnny Cash, Mad Dog

Mar 1, 2010 - 10:40:20 PM
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Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of The Best DX Segment in Who Knows When, The Best Batista Promo Ever, The Best Song Ever On a Wrestling Show, and Wade Keller's First Main Event

Here comes Shawn Michaels, and even though he's got his dream match, he still looks depressed. Big "HBK" chant even though he's been a cheap-shot loser for the past two months. At least the talent doesn't respect him and won't look him in the (cock) eye, even though Michaels thinks they won't look at him because he can't end Undertaker's Wrestlemainia streak.

He wants someone in the back to come out, look him in the eye, and tell him he can't win.

Cue The Game.

"You, of all people..."

No, Shawn, I don't think you can beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania...I know you can. I've wrestled them all, and you're the best I've ever been in the ring with. In that locker room, you have no peers. You truly are Mr. WrestleMania.

DX will never die, but it will be a long time before they see us together in this ring again. I don't want DX's last image to be what they saw, so I've invoked the rematch clause with Big Show and the Miz."

They'll throw a DX celebration 28 days from tonight, the night after WrestleMania.

Also, he can probably stand to win a match before the big one.

Okay, that was the best DX segment in quite a while,

I'm curious how WWE gets around Cheech and Chong's whole act being based around... uh ah... what was I thinking about, oh yeah, drugs.

That didn't take long. The kiddie merchandise hero Hornswoggle gave Tommy Chong some dosed Lucky Charms and he started tripping, man. Seriously, kids watch this show.

Randy Orton faces that sap Ted DiBisae. I guess this won't be the WrestleMania match. The crowd is split, which is better for DiBiase than I figured. Orton is about to finish off DiBiase when the inept Cody Rhodes interferes for the DQ. Orton beats up both guys afterwards.

Is Orton turning babyface by beating up these two clowns? Is one of these two clowns breaking out somehow?

I don't see how.

Bret Hart arrives, and he's on crutches.

Chong is tripping, so he books a Divas pajama pillow fight. Oh, he's not tripping, he's slipping into a diabetic coma because of the sugar in the Lucky Charms. Clever.

...I've come to fix the sink...

Jack Swagger beats Santino Marella, which somehow gets him in WrestleMania in the Money in The Bank match.

Batista is flanked by security.

Holy crap, Johnny Cash's "Ain't No Grave" is used to promote Undertaker-Shawn Michaels. God bless Rick Rubin.

If John Cena isn't mad at Batista and Mr. McMahon for ripping off his World Title, well, as he said, "it'll happen again." He is mad they kicked him in the nuts. There's a silver lining in getting kicked in the nuts.

"I'm going to WrestleMania!"

He's going to save me sixty bucks and pay Dave Barista back right now, though.

Batista arrives. He has security, but "they're not here to protect me, they’re here to protect you." Cute.

Cena calls Batista a pansy. He doesn't mean flower.

Batista says they rose to the top together, they're the two biggest stars since the Attitude era, they both won titles at Wrestlemania 21, and neither can throw a punch that looks right.

Batista, though, didn't get to be what Cena is. He should be the biggest star. He wants to fight at WrestleMania because he wants to beat the hell out of him and prove to everyone he's better than Cena. What, a real reason to have a match? Who knew?

Cena, though, deserves it because he's a good employee. Batista is in the gym training because he's about making money and winning championships.

Wow, Batista is killing John Cena on the mic. This is the best promo of Batista's career. Cena's just about in tears.

You can't beat me, John, and deep down you know it.

Hey, look it's Chavo Guerrero and, and, and, Cheech, and a talking chicken and it's awful.

Chris Schenkel, don't sing nothing...

MVP beats Zack Ryder for a MITB spot in less time than it takes to type this. Ryder rushes backstage to flush his cell phone down the toilet.

Cheech and Chong head to the ring. For some of us, it's like Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis finally re-united...

To host a pro wrestling show.

They intro the Divas Pajama Pillow Fight, you know, the stuff WWE did before they matured for the sake of the stockholders. Cheech and Chong watch from ringside in Barcolongers.

The latest WWE Hall of Fame inductee is Maurice Mad Dog Vachon, one of the toughest wrestlers and best promos ever (and the hero of a young Wade Keller's first main event, and, no kidding, they even show a clip from his Death Match promo against Jerry Blackwell).

Mr. McMahon big-foots Bret Hart's "final farewell at this point in time," as politician Jerry Lawler pits it. McMahon babyface intros Bret.

Bret camps it up limping to the ring. McMahon wants Bret to clear his name about the accident.

If you're serious about giving me the final farewell, get the hell out of the ring.

Mr. McMahon lied. Didn't you challenge me to a match at WrestleMania?

The crowd doesn't know how to take this.

I don't know if you noticed, I'm a little incapacitated.

For years, you wanted to fight me. Why not fight me?

(Because I knocked you out with one punch already?)

McMahon pours it on. You can't let these people down!

I can't wrestle. I've got a broken leg, idiot!

You've got no heart. You let everyone down. Bret Hart, you're a coward. McMahon kicks the crutch out from under Bret and he falls down.

Bret gets up. You want a match at WrestleMania, you got it.

"It's obviously what Mr. McMahon wants", Lawler says.

Next week, to show Bret what great condition he's in, McMahon will wrestle John Cena.

I assume the big reveal here is down the road.

Darn, I was hoping he'd wrestle Mad Dog Vachon, so WWE could win the Old Guy Addition Challenge.

56 + 61 < 69 + 80

Oh well.

DX faces ShoMiz for the Who Cares Unified tag titles. Shawn Michaels pins The Miz with the Superkick to win the titles. I Believe!

No, not so fast. Undertaker appears on the video screen. That loser Shawn Michaels is completely psyched out and Miz sneaks behind for the win.

The depressed-again Michaels leaves, and doesn't see Sheamus sneak in and beat down Triple H as the show goes off the air..

The first hour was a very good On The Road To Wrestlemania hype show. The second might or might not set up some good hype in the weeks to come.


We suggest these recent related articles...
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25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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