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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Ty, Jewel, Piper, a Fake Bull, A Real Money Stipulation. The Worst Plan Ever, And John Cena Twice A Patsy

Feb 22, 2010 - 10:25:32 PM
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Staff07Bruce120_13.jpg
Finally, a guest host I've actually met.

Of course, to do that I had to walk down High Point Road, horns honking, beside a peroxide blonde megalomaniac wearing a championship belt buckle and leather chaps, on the way to the rodeo at the Coliseum.

I thought the rodeo was pretty cool, though, particularly because it was proud to be what it was, instead of trying so hard to be cool. Ty Murray was perfectly polite. He's Piper Fairplay's godfather. (No, I wasn't in the running. I'm not a celebrity. And yes, I tried to talk Fairplay out of that name. No, not "Fairplay." "Piper." He already had his name before I met him. Seriously.)

Hey, if that loser Shawn Michaels does something cowardly to cost Undertaker the World Title because he can't earn what he wants, shouldn't Undertaker pay him back by not giving him exactly what he so desperately wants? Shouldn't Taker just bide his time and, when Michaels least expects it, beat the hell out of him?

Chris Jericho has the best Just Slap His Face facial expression in many a pro wrestling year. He doesn't suck, he's going to WrestleMania!

Edge comes from out of the crowd and spears Jericho.

"Hey, Chris! You're going to WrestleMania against me!"

Jericho crybaby face. Great stuff.

Followed immediately by John Cena. (God forbid fans have two seconds to digest the Edge/Jericho news.)

He isn't happy.

Add Cena to the list of guys Vince McMahon has screwed. (Here's a tip to you aspiring WWE champions out there: When you fight for forty minutes to win the big title and then Mr. McMahon calls for an immediate defense against a fresh opponent, tell him to screw off. You'll be a hero for standing up to the boss, instead of a chump.)

Mr. McMahon: "...broken down, accident-prone Bret Hart." You know, because he fell off a bike and had a stroke.

Turns out Mr. McMahon traded Batista's services with Bret for a title shot any time he wanted.

Get this: Cena wants his contractually obligated rematch, but McMahon says Batista isn't defending the title until WrestleMania. That makes sense. He says Sheamus also has a rematch clause, so to see who gets the rematch Cena has to prove himself tonight. (That doesn't make as much sense. Couldn't one guy get the title shot and the other guy call next?) Cena has to face...

Batista.

That's right, The champion is apparently up for a shot for his own title, so WWE is giving away the WrestleMania main event on free TV, and not even to draw a rating since this show will draw the same rating it always does.

Maryse beats Gail Kim for the Divas championship with a French Kiss DDT. Kim got hurt at the show last night.

Ty Murray and the wife Jewel are hanging out with the Divas and of course Jillian Hall wants to sing her songs. Jewel tries to show her to sing, Jillian takes offense, and Jewel slaps her.

Cody Rhodes tells Randy Orton he knew Ted DiBiase would betray him. Orton says if anyone was at fault for what happened, it was him. He's bullied them and taught them the wrong lessons. He wants to re-team Legacy tonight. They've come way too far together to turn back now.

Orton: "Cody, tell Ted I'm sorry."

Orton leaves.

DiBiase to Rhodes: "Sticking to the plan?"

Rhodes: "Absolutely."

Camera. Camera. Camera!

You idiots.

Yoshi Tasu & Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston face Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase & Randy. Could this be the last time Legacy teams together? (The smart move tonight is to have them work successfully together to win the match.)

Nope. Orton drops Rhodes as he comes through the ropes. Dumb DiBiase yells at Orton. Orton RKOs DiBiase outside the ring. Bourne dives onto an unconscious Rhodes for the pin.

Nice plan, boys.

Rhodes and DiBiase clearly aren't getting elevated this year.

Long, well-done video showing what a complete loser Shawn Michaels has become in the last six weeks...

That Sexy Boy theme never seemed more out of place as the depressed Michaels enters the ring.

He did what had to do. He did what he needed to do. You know, sneak up behind a guy when he doesn't expect you and kick him in the head when he can't defend himself.

Undertaker's music plays. (By the way, how long will it be before WWE or TNA set some guy on fire with pyro as part of a shocking storyline?)

Michaels: "I wrestled nearly a perfect match. I made one mistake. I asked you, I begged you for a rematch. You ignored me. You didn't leave me any choice. That's why I cost you the world heavyweight championship. Face me at Wrestlemania and get your revenge."

Undertaker: "You're on. I accept. On one condition... This year, you have to put up something as well. Your soul. This year if you defeat me you end the streak, but if I beat you your career is over."

Well, they got there. People will forget that Shawn Michaels should have made that challenge, instead of unaccountably becoming a backstabbing loser. When wrestling companies have the discipline to create credible stakes, they create the opportunity to make real money.

And yes, it's true. Shawn Michaels is leaving WWE to join TNA and form a tag team with Jeff Hardy.

Christian beats Carlito.

Ty Murray and Jewel hold a Divas Professional Bull Riders Rodeo. Miz and Big Show interrupt. Show rides the mechanical bull and quickly falls off

How hard can this be? Fairplay did it.

Jerry Lawler gets tickled, so you know how this is going.

"...just like the Colts lost the Super Bowl!" Oooh, what a burn.

Ty and Jewel make Miz & Show wrestle MVP & Mark Henry. Show pins Henry. You sure showed them, Ty and Jewel.

The newest WWE Hall of Fame Inductee? Rock 'n' Wrestler Wendi Richter. I know it's a show, but this is ridiculous. Richter was such a big-headed flop the WWF screw-jobbed her completely out of the business. Roddy Piper inducts her. Cyndi Lauper had enough of these people years ago.

Mr. McMahon says he had nothing to do with Bret Hart's accident. He invites Bret to come back next week to say goodbye properly. He'll provide the wheelchair.

John Cena faces Batista for the right for John Cena to face Batista, only it'll cost you sixty bucks to see it.

Batista kicks Cena in the nuts for the immediate DQ, then beats him up. On the other hand, Cena gets his title shot at WrestleMania, so the fans leave happy.

And I was wrong. WWE didn't give away a WrestleMania main event (at least I hope not), they just bait and switched all the free-loaders again.


We suggest these recent related articles...
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 10 (2000): Titled “Death of Hardcore” as Bruce discusses the apparent end of the Hardcore Wrestling era and also suggests what ECW must do to regain relevance
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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