By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Constructive Criticism. I apologize for not being able to do a column last week. I was very busy. This week, I am pleased to present to you a three parter. The first two parts will contain television show reviews from Ohio Valley Wrestling. I will be more brief in these reviews than my usual over-extensive Smackdown reviews, because first of all this is a Lounge column, and no one wants to read ten-plus pages of show reviews anyway. Also, I feel that what I am giving you is a little bit more than just a taste to whet your appetite.

Basically, I feel that OVW is the home of the best wrestling going on in the United States right now, and because of a lack of coverage of this great promotion on this website, I feel the call to duty to take it upon myself to present these (what will now be) monthly show reviews. Hopefully, I can entice you to go to OVW’s website (OVWrestling.com), and take it upon yourself to order some of their videotapes, in order to see what you are currently missing (assuming you’re currently missing it, of course). Here we go!

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March 13, 2004 show

We start with clips from the week prior of John Hennigan (Johnny Nitro now) and Matt Capotelli, both of Tough Enough fame, battling it out in a match. The deal with the match is that Hennigan and Capotelli were tag partners at one point, but split up due to personality conflicts. Hennigan was going by the name “Johnny Superstar” here, which is a better name than any of the ones WWE has given him thus far. Capotelli had his arm in a sling, selling a prior injury, and Hennigan ripped it off at one point. The finish came when Capotelli won the match by disqualification when Hennigan knocked the ref down. I love OVW.

After the match, Linda Miles (Shaniqua, looking much better than she ever did on WWE TV, but still massive) ran out and went after Cappotelli. A bunch of security guys separated them and after much struggle, got her tossed out of the ringside area.

The opening intro aired, to the tune of “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor,” and we were welcomed to the show by Jim Cornette and Dean Hill. The intro has a nice blend of OVW superstars new and old, to give you a taste of what is, and what was, as far as who was and is on their talent roster. It’s a pretty impressive list.

(1) Johnny Superstar defeated Mac Johnson. Superstar was announced as being from “Los Angeles,” which I suppose to people from the Ohio Valley area means he’s a real deal superstar. Cornette teases on commentary that Capotelli has a “big surprise” for Superstar on next week’s show. If you’re reading this, you likely know what Superstar looks like. Johnson is pretty much the same height as Superstar (or Nitro, or whatever), wearing black trunks with white boots, and has crazy, poofy hair (though not ridiculously so). Cornette said he was a native of Louisiana, and he’s pretty young and still fairly inexperienced. There were some sloppy spots in the match, with really both guys being a bit out of place at various times. Finish came when Superstar hit a twisting moonsault for the victory. Nice move, and Superstar has Steve Richards style charisma.

From last week’s show, there was a six-man tag team match involving Rob Conway, Mark Magnus and Nick (not Eugene at this point) Dinsmore against the Basham Brothers and Johnny Jeter. One of the Bashams was going for a diving headbutt, but John Lauranitis (WWE management, a heel authority type in OVW) tripped him up off the ropes and allowed for the heel team to get the victory. After the match, in one of those moments that makes me love OVW so much, out comes Jim Ross of all people. Ross takes Lauranitis to task for what he just did and says he wants him in his office first thing tomorrow. Ross orders the match be restarted and be allowed to continue until a real finish is come to. Jeter quickly hit a springboard spinning heel kick on Dinsmore for the victory. The locker room clears (including Sean O’Haire, in better times) and a brawl ensues, with the babyfaces getting the better of this exchange.

Out comes Nick Dinsmore, with “Venus,” a stripper type valet with unbelievably gigantic breasts, for an interview with Cornette. Cornette wonders why Dinsmore is so disrespectful to Venus. Dinsmore says that just like how the OVW Title is his, so does Venus belong to him. Dinsmore says that everything he does is in tribute to Lauranitis, and Cornette points out that he is succeeding because of Lauranitis. Dinsmore talks about how Ross stuck his nose in his business, where he didn’t think it belonged. He said it shouldn’t count that Jeter pinned him because he considered the match over at that point. Out comes Jeter to have his say in these matters. Jeter is sort of a young Chris Jericho (before the polish that comes with experience, not to mention the lifts in the boots). Jeter helpfully reminds Dinsmore of how he defeated him last week.

The Troubleshooters (Max Impact, Brent Albright, Chris Masters) come out, as Cornette put it, to cause some trouble. Impact (whose gimmick is that he was sent to OVW by Lauranitis as, fittingly enough, a troubleshooter). Impact says that if Dinsmore loses one more match, or causes for Lauranitis to suffer any more heat with management, “it’s all over.” He then tells Jeter that if he wants a title match against Dinsmore, he’s going to have to first beat one of the Troubleshooters. He flips a coin, and Albright gets the honor of (probably) losing to Jeter. Sean O’Haire~! comes out to help even the odds. O’Haire exudes charisma, and as I try to suppress the feelings of sadness and/or rage about what a wasted opportunity O’Haire was for WWE, I will note that it was decided that O’Haire would be in Jeter’s corner for the match, to try to help against possible interference from the Troubleshooters.

We are shown action from two weeks ago, with Alexis Laree preventing Nikita from interfering, allowing for Seth Skyfire to get his first victory on OVW television (against Magnus). After the match, Impact interfered and helped lay Skyfire out. That sets up the rematch, right now-like.

(2) Mark Magnus (w/Nikita) defeated Seth Skyfire (w/Alexis Laree) by disqualification. Cornette points out how losing twice in a row to a rookie would affect the status of Magnus in the eyes of “his boss,” Lauranitis. Both Laree and Nikita are smoking hot, and if for no other reason than that, deserve to be called up to WWE immediately. Cornette says the Skyfire is a former skateboarding champion. Seems like everyone in OVW is about the same height, because I really can’t describe Skyfire and Magnus as being any taller or shorter than Superstar and Johnson. At one point Skyfire hit a huracanrana around the post, sending Magnus to the concrete floor on the outside. See, in OVW, this kind of stuff really means something. Nikita tossed brass knuckles into the ring for Magnus to use, but Laree came into the ring to get them away from him (Magnus). Nikita spun the ref around in time to see Laree standing over the fallen Magnus, and the ref called for the disqualification on assumption. Wrestling is weird like that. The girls go at it for a while, and so do the guys, until Standing Thunder, a friend of Skyfire’s, hits the ring to drive Magnus away and clear the ring.

We are told that there are new Southern Tag Team Champions, and we are shown action of how that came about. The team of Adrenaline (Chris Cage and TANK TOLAND~!) were taking on Nova and Idol. Trudi DeNucci, the valet for Nova and Idol, got up on the apron, but was knocked down by Tank. This allowed for Toland and Cage to get the victory and win the belts back.

Out comes Nova, Idol, and Trudi for an interview with Cornette. Nova is so great on the microphone, it’s really hard to believe. They point out that Adrenaline had so many opportunities to get the belts back, that it was bound to happen eventually. Nova saying “Southern” in a Brooklyn accent is just great. Nova and Idol mock Tank (for being short) and Cornette (for giving out “55,000 rematches” to them). They threaten on turning Trudi loose on Cornette, but out comes the Disciples of Synn (Seven, who is now Mordecai on Smackdown, and Bane, who is now Tyson Tomko on Raw), along with their manager Synn, who is Cornette’s legit girlfriend. They point out that Nova and Idol have never beaten them, and they should fight it out for the rights to be called number one contender. Cornette makes the match for next week, with the winning team getting a shot against Adrenaline for the tag belts.

A quick shot airs of female wrestler Jillian Hall and Standing Thunder taking collections for the Crusade for Children charity. We are then shown clips of “cult favorite” Rod Steele, who is known as the “Real Deal.” Basically, he’s a pretty bad wrestler who gives every scoop slams. Essentially, what the chokeslam was to 911 in ECW back in the day, the scoop slam is to Steele. The fans at various times in these clips (which were from previously non-televised matches), “scoop slam” and “Rod Steele.” He will be making his television debut on next week’s show.

(3) Johnny Jeter (w/Sean O’Haire) vs. Brent Albright (w/Inspector Impact) was a draw. At one point, Albright was on the outside, seeking advice from Impact. O’Haire didn’t take too kindly to this, and quickly broke that up. Albright worked over Jeter’s left arm, setting up for a submission victory, with Jeter selling very well. Jeter attempts a one armed comeback, with some measure of success. Jeter locks on the Crossface, but Impact places Albright’s foot on the rope to break it up. O’Haire goes to work on Impact, which brings out Masters and Dinsmore to beat down the faces. Impact and Masters do a double chokeslam on O’Haire, and then Adrenaline hit the ring to even the odds and send the heels heading for higher ground. “It’s chaos here!” Cornette exclaims as the show fades to black.

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March 20, 2004

The opening intro airs, and Cornette and Hill welcome us to the show.

(1) Johnny Jeter defeated Sylvan Grenier. You should know Grenier as one-half of La Resistance from Raw. Crowd chants “U.S.A.” to display where their support lies (both in country, and in wrestler). Linda Miles hits ringside to disrupt things, which allows for Grenier to gain the advantage in the match. Finish came when Jeter made Grenier tap to the Crossface. Cornette plays up how important it was that Jeter just defeated a former WWE Tag Team Champion, because here in OVW, titles from any promotion, and especially WWE, really mean something. And history is not ignored.

We are shown clips from the week prior, with Dinsmore giving his interview. Just like the first time I described it, Jeter then came out and said he wanted a title shot. And, just like the first time, out comes the Troubleshooters. Impact flips the coin, and ends up deciding Jeter has to beat Albright first in order to get a title shot against Dinsmore. O’Haire comes out to put himself in Jeter’s corner for that match, and exudes more charisma in a few short minutes here than WWE ever let him show in the few years he was employed there. Fast forward to the match, with Jeter and Albright fighting to a draw when everybody interferes in the match and the ref throws it out.

Out comes a freshly shaved Dinsmore (he had been wearing a beard up to that point), along with Venus and Inspector Impact. Impact insults the fans, with cheap heat being a fairly effective tool in OVW. Cornette talks about an upcoming match at a big OVW show with Dinsmore & Impact taking on O’Haire & Jeter. Dinsmore insults Jim Ross again for sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong (what’s he complaining about, he’s still the champion). Basically, Dinsmore says he’s going to take care of Jeter, and get him out of his hair once and for all.

(2) “Real Deal” Rod Steele defeated Inspector Impact by disqualification. It was originally supposed to be Steele vs. Mike Mondo (with Kenny Bolin). I was thinking this was going to be my favorite match ever. I already described Steele above as an awkward master of one move; a real cult hero in OVW. Mondo is also a real piece of work. Words cannot do his gimmick proper justice. Basically, he’s this really short guy who think he’s a giant, and he stomps around the ring and tries to be intimidating when in actuality he’s just as awkward and goofy as Steele. Steele came to the ring dressed like the Macho Man used to, with the glasses and the cape. Impact comes out and runs down Steele, saying he’s just another redneck, just like everyone in the crowd. It was Bolin’s birthday last week, and Impact says that by the looks of it, he had a lot of birthday cake. (Bolin is a big fat guy, you see.)

Impact buys the match for $500, which any person in their right mind would accept. (Steele doesn’t lose~!) Steele shows real heart in not giving up, with Impact hitting several power moves and Steele kicking out of everything. Fans do different chant variations in support of Steele. Impact finally nails Steele with a chair for the disqualification, so Steele ended up winning his TV debut! Out came O’Haire, who laid out Impact. However, then the Troubleshooters ran out and did a three-on-one job on O’Haire, until Adrenaline ran in to even the odds. They sent the heels reeling, and the fans went crazy for the announcement of Steele’s victory. They have something special here.

Matt Capotelli, with an unidentified woman, comes out to deliver on his promise of a “big surprise” for John Hennigan. Capotelli’s on a mission to prove what a big jerk Hennigan is. The girl’s name is, I guess, Melina. She’s supposedly one of Hennigan’s ex-girlfriends, and Cornette has a great line about how everybody makes mistakes. Capotelli has a list of things he thinks people should know about Hennigan, and his “humor” is lame even when it’s scripted. I’m not going to transcribe the stuff he says here, but it’s just a bunch of lame insults against Hennigan. Hennigan comes out and says he wants to be known from now on as “Johnny Spade.” Cornette calls him a blithering idiot because OVW has had a Johnny Spade under contract for six years now, even though he’s suspended right now. Hennigan doesn’t care, because he thinks it’s a cool name. Turns out, it was all a scam against Capotelli, and Melina and Hennigan work together Capotelli and then make out. Dean Hill: “Get a room!” Good call.

Jillian Hill is shown in the crowd again, still taking donations. Well, if you have a certain talent, you should be allowed to show it off as much as you can. (I’m only kidding.) We are shown clips from the previous week’s Magnus vs. Skyfire match. Match ended in a clusterbomb with the girls getting involved. This sets up the next segment.

Which is Alexis Laree and Seth Skyfire doing an interview. Laree is tired of Nikita continuously getting all up in her bizazz, and says there’s not enough room in OVW for the both of them. Skyfire has a contract drawn up for a mixed tag team match, but out comes Magnus and Nikita to spoil their fun. Magnus and Nikita sign the contract before it can even be explained, which. . . Note to Readers: Should never be done in professional wrestling. The heels are always “fooled” these scenarios. In any event, it turns out the match has a special stipulation where the loser of the fall has to leave OVW. Cornette points out that you should always read the contract before you sign it.

We are taken back to last week’s show, with Nova and Idol talking about how they deserve to be tag team champions, and they demanded an immediate rematch against Adrenaline to get “their belts” back. Out came the Disciples of Synn, and they set up a match where the winners would be the number one contenders, and get the title shots against Adrenaline at a future date.

(3) Nova & Idol (w/Trudi) vs. The Disciples of Synn (w/Synn) was a draw. Action spilled to the outside immediately, and Bane swung Nova around and into the announcer’s booth in a nice spot. The women got involved in the action, and Trudi ran Synn head-first into the arena wall. Even though both teams were/are heels, the Disciples were the de facto babyfaces in this match, with the crowd even chanting for them at one point. Bane got the hot tag and went to work on both men. Bane hit a sidewalk slam that might have finished things, but the referee was distracted. Trudy got involved to break things up, which brought Synn back into the ring, and the ref ended up throwing the match out.

After the match, the locker room cleared in attempt to separate everyone. In the melee, Trudy and Synn went back after each other. Seven and Bane were tossing people out of the ring as the show faded to black.

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I’m cutting off coverage right here. Part two will be posted in just a few minutes, if it hasn’t already by the time you read this, where I will review the final week of March’s show, and give my thoughts on the current (as of the end of March) OVW roster.

Dusty Giebink can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com, or WisconsinDream on the VIP Forum, if you have something to say. He has no idea why he feels the need to tell you this while writing in the third person, but he does.