By Keith Lipinski, Torch "Bad Boy"

Soundtrack of your life, now playing in the "Dummy Room": "Cheap Shots, Youth Anthems" - Kid Dynamite (old school '98!), and for the third and FINAL week in a row "The Greatest Story Ever Told" - THE LAWRENCE ARMS!! (click on the link for the mp3 of a song in QuickTime format, keep in mind it’s a nice number, but not the highlight of the amazing and ambitious concept record about going to the circus at least I would like to thing its about the circus)

*** RIP: Johnny Cash ***

This weeks un-official and un-scientific PWTorch.com Opinion Poll:

What Happened To Kane in the Flaming Dumpster of Raw Scripts Doom?

13% Body was uninjured thanks to numbness from advance screening of "The Rundown"

4% Motorized voice box made of same material as airplane's "black box" saved him once again.

3% Primitive human fire extinguishers are much more powerful then they look on television.

6% After getting your arm and leg set on fire in "Inferno matches", a flaming dumpster is really nothing new.

5% Wow, from Katie Vick to this, what a great way to cap off a year of awful gimmicks and storylines!

10% Finally, Kane remembered to use "stop, drop and roll" technique, too bad it looked much like the Nidia's "hoochie" spastic dance.

12% What was the WWE trying to do this week by showing Shane McMahon getting jumper cables placed on his privates? We're they trying to shock us? Oh WWE! You silly goose

5% He vanished into thin air, thanks to the magic of David Blane! What will his magic do next? Make Brian Lee completely disappear?

7% Here was a guy who when unmasked was burned, but next week was totally normal. What the hell is going on with the super recuperating and regenerating powers of Kane's skin?

6% I wish someone would tell us, because if I ever get superkicked into a flaming dumpster, whatever shall I do?

11% Kane must have found the trap door in the dumpster, as used by former flame "Tori" during the epic Dudley Boys vs. X-Pac & Road Dogg & Tori Dumpster vs. Tables match at King Of The Ring 2000. What you don't remember this classic?

12% Many wrestling insiders believed this was a perfect way for Kane to get his mask back on, which would really cheese off the Commissioner Don Felipe Han Lee!

2% Fall broken by WCW television champion "Janitor" Jim Duggan, who was sleeping in there.

7% Dumpster was full of RC EDGE COLA, the official soft beverage of WWF Attitude!

1% Never underestimate the will of the human spirit, epically with the anticipation of a Jonathan Coachmen & Al Snow vs. Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler match!

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..and now (with the help of Derek Burgan's Express Hour 1.5 review) a complete guide to all the wrestling references in UPN's The Mullets

- The show started with the 2001 theme (Whoooooooooooo!) with the Mullet Brothers (Denny & Dwayne) on the roof.

- One of the mullets looks like former Jake Busey formally of classic UPN sitcom "Shasty McNasty" which also premiered after "Smackdown." The other mullet looks like Dana Carvey (with mulleted wig) or Sam from "Diff'rent Strokes."

- The Mullets mention how they are living the "American Dream," if you weel! Fortunally, no mention of "Dusty's Ass" though.

- The mullets (along with two mulleted friends) watch a video of Girls Gone Wild: shirtless in Seattle (Stacy with the Super Soaker?)

- Mandi Mullet-Heidecker (Loni Anderson) repeats a little used Austin catchphrase of "beer me."

- The Mullets have a "Vixen" poster in their front room (non-wrestling related reference but one fine reference indeed)

- The Mullets boast they have the largest ladder in San Fernando valley (Could this be the ladder Jeff Hardy used at Wrestle Mania 2000?)

- The Mullets realize WrestleMania is this weekend while at the 7-11 as apparently the only advertising for the show is a Bill Goldberg "Surge" store display cutout with a Rey Mysterio professional mask (99.95?) on it mentioning Wrestle Mania being "sold out." Is this more fiction?

- The Mullet's reminisce about watching wrestling with their mom curled up on the couch and eating toaster strudel (Was this even around at the time?) watching "George The Animal Steele putting a fork in the neck of Andre The Giant." When did Steele become the Sheik? If anything they should be eating pop tarts as George Steele is giving sweet kisses to his "mine" doll

- While listening to bad pop music to win tickets to the sold out WrestleMania, the two Mullet bothers and friend do the "Too Cool-Rikishi" dance

- After winning the WrestleMania tickets when they hear the Scorpions "Rock You Like A Hurricane both Mullet brothers fall off the roof, ala Cactus Jack.

- While talking at the 7-11, both brothers mentioned how mom dropped both of them on their head (Maybe she was too busy with that damn Burt Renyolds?)
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- In a high light of the show: Apparently WrestleMania is now on Saturday nights, and to further cut costs the WWE is using the Raw set for WrestleMania now

- Real quote number one: "Dude, I'm not gonna let mom miss WrestleMania!"

- Dwayne (could be Denny) Mullett mentions at a dinner party how he's been "roid free for 10 months."

- The Mullet Brothers fight during fancy dinner party, the match would be * as it was as good technically as a bra and panty match

- The Mullet's step dad, Roger Heidecker (John O'Hurley or J. Peterman of "Seinfeld" fame) a famous game show host, is mentioned to the crowd at the Staples Center. So apparently this is mania XXI?

- In a scary look into the future, The Dudleys and Les Resistance are still feuding come next March.

- J. Peterman (oh no, it’s the "Seinfeld" curse again), I mean Roger Heidecker mentions how "the moves are carefully practiced and choreographed." Bubba Ray overhears this and takes offense to that statement (I found this unintentionally hilarious. Imagine how funny this would have been if it was Rob Van Dam)

- Hopefully the Dudleys will not suffer the same fate as Chyna due to the "UPN Sitcom Curse."

- Real quote number two from Roger Heidecker "Sometimes you have to grow up and face facts, there’s more to life then sitting around and watching some big fat sweaty oafs running around in their underwear..."

- As the Dudley's attack Roger Heidecker, the people in back of the front row Mullets (including someone wearing the Booker T "5X" shirt, and a Goldust, Kane kids masks in the crowd) are loving it as the Dudley’s "shoot" on Heidecker.

- Did I mention that somehow the Pay Per View is being shown at the 7-11?

- Roger Heidecker gets put through the table and is bruised. The mullets call his bruises "special effects." Is it just me, or are the wwe seems to be doing more of the "don't do this at home" ads lately?

Overall, it wasn't awful, but it was ok mindless television high on the cheese factor. Next week on its regular time on Tuesdays, queer eye for the mulleted guy!

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What? (Do you think?) - PWI Top 500
Last week Pro Wrestling Illustrated published its annual Top 500 issue, which as the name suggests lists their picks for the top 500 wrestlers in the world this year. What do you think of this years list?

Brock Lesnar was named number one due to him being "the closest thing to an unbeatable fan favorite since Goldberg's peak in WCW", since this magazine was published, he has turned heel and lost almost every match. Thank you Brandi Mankiewicz and the PWI curse! - Bull Man Downs

Someone alert the prime minister, a serious miscarriage of justice has been done, as Rico Suave placed 255! This means he is better then 51% of all wrestlers in the world? Gerardo deserves better! - Mike Winner

Gillberg was highly rated at 245, Goldberg wasn't rated at all. Think about that before betting the house on Goldberg at Unforgiven daddy-o! - Barry O

Bison Smith (226) proved that PWI is a leader in international coverage of American wrestlers in other countries. It also shows PWI has some great taste in bad mullets. - Pimpinella Escarlotta

Last years number one Rob Van Dam has dropped down to number ten, obviously the good people at PWI haven't watched much WWE programming in the last 365 days. - "Psycho" Sam Cody

Johnny Handsome at 458? That's no rating for someone so damn Handsome! That Matt Brock is just jealous! - Bubba Fangman

Evan Karagias surprised me by placing 267, and still being alive three years after dating the sexy lady Medusa! - Turbo Eric Freedom

Buff Bagwell placed 188, Judy Bagwell placed 287, there is no WRESTLING JUSTICE in London Publishing. - Cry Baby Waldo

Roll call! "Captain Hugh G. Rection" Bill DeMott (93), "Lt. Loco" Chavo Guerrero (33), "Cprl. Cajun" Lash LeRoux (323), yet where is Sgt. AWOL? MIA? Misfits! In Action! - Deadly Dutchman

Kane (23) jumped up thirty two spots this year, inspiring a generation of wrestlers attempting to get into the business by burning announcers, shocking peoples testicles, and screwing dead people. Ah, the glorious life on the independent wrestling scene! - The Knight Rider

After paying 9.95 for this crap, I demand inclusion in the top 500 next year! - Equalizer Zip

Tommy Dreamer was rated at 86, which is funny when you think the highlight of his last year was being thrown off the WWE creative team, and eating a "hair pie" at the barber shop. Oh not that you pervert! - Fabulous Lance

Every year the internet has a field day of controversy when this is released, a day or two later it all passes and they're back talking about their favorite "bumblebee man" quotes. Bless you status quo! - The Ram Man

D-Von Dudley must have really said his prayers and ate his vitamins in order to be rated so high after his time as the Reverend D-Von. Wait, the former Reverend at 69? Scandalous! - Superkey II

Christian was rated highly at number 28, which is amazing considering he hasn't won a match in almost a year and a half. - Spooky Kool Kid Keene

Rico Casanova was probably very sad about placing 292, which greatly upset Mrs. Casanova, and Mama Casanova! - Turbo Eric Freedom

Sonjay Dutt deserves better then 432, PWI has never been high on Indian workers since the heyday of Lo-Down and Takanka. - Caveman Broda

As always, there were some inaccuracies this year, for instance the listing for Koji Kanemoto (24) has a picture of Satoshi Kojima (74), the tag team of Ultimo Guerrero (141) & Rey Bucanero (84) is "Los Gurerros del Inferno" not " Los Gurerros del ring", and "Moondog Spot" is still among the living, although he really appreciated the loving tribute. - "Jammin" Jimmy Lam

The Hurricane must have been proud as a peacock to be named 21, however the WWE just downgraded the Hurricane to a Tropical Storm. - The Bounty Hunter

Cheetah Master's (377) ranking proves he may be a master of the mighty cheetah but not the squared circle! - Bugsy Sluggliano

Finally, the wrestling fisherman known as the Codfather (418) gets the press accolades he so richly deserves! - Flex Lavender

Second generation stars are prevalent thought the PWI 500, Randy Orton, Jimmy Snuka Jr., Dewey Cheatum (son of the evil midget who blew up Sting's boat). - Fraight Train Fulton, JR.

Mike Sanders placed 179, which is of course "above average." Man this list is so fixed! - Timber The Lumberjack

Where the hell is WMG Champion Keith Lipinski? - Crusty Staubach

How much would it cost to get my name legally changed to Snatch Haggis (477)? - "Friendly" Frank Finnegan

According to the Top 500 Don Harris (144) is four wrestlers superior to Ron Harris (148). Thank you PWI for tearing America's favorite brother team apart! - "Cowboy" Woody Lee

The Jimmy Jacobs (483) piece mentioned his furry boots more then his moves in his ring, I see someone on the PWI board is displaying much "boot" envy. - Chuck the Kosher Killer

Sonny Siaki & Johnny The Bull just made the top 100 list, therefore they are in the top 20% of wrestlers in the world today. No wonder consumer confidence and all leading economic indicators are way down! - Death Row #3260

Who better then number 132 Kanyon? Besides 131 people. - Indiana Kidd Jr.

The PWI 500 allows for smaller local grapplers some press in a national wrestling magazine, wrestlers like Ladies Choice (apparently not at 450), Stamp Lickage (422), the dastardly Japanese Pool Boy (386) and Latino comedian George Lopez (231). - Big Sexxy Bubba

Test (44) dropped down 4 notches, not due to lack of direction, but lack of hair! To think where he would be without Stacy's marketing services? - Danger Boy Alfredo Travieso

Uncle Ernie (498) made it, too bad other family members Cousin Otter and Hillbilly Jed weren't rated. Things are going to be bad at the Ernie family reunion. - Bad Bubba Brewer

Edge (34) might be injured, but was still rated high due to the massive popularity of his Japanese shampoo commercial. - Chef D.Z. Gillespie

Bob Evans ranked 400, which is not a ranking fit for a sausage king! - Jihad Hussein

Hopefully, number 500 Billy K will keep up the proud tradition of other top 500's in years past: Zeus, Morgus the Maniac, Garbage Man, Donn E. Allen, Kevin Kirby, Baby Huey, Joe Rules, Chip Fairway, Vincent Goodnight, The California Kid, and "Bryan's Friend" Vince - Syl The Sadist

Jorge "Oops!" Estrada placed 182, I guess the flying Elvis' are truly dead after all. - Cueball Carmichael

The criteria in order of importance are win-loss record, technical ability, influence on the sport, success against the highest grade of competition, success against the most diverse competition, activity. After taking all of this into account, Rikishi being 59 is a crock! - Lumberin' Jack

The list is certainly lacking in the "Dandy" category - Raiden

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WMG Champion Keith Lipinski (keyboards, bassoon, backing vocals, bling bling) is a regular contributor to PWTorch.com. Keith is going on a honorable trip next weekend to the Mecca of wrestling, more details next week. Please note: Keith's PWTorch.com address has been having some "female" problems (no offense to all the ladies who love the Lipinski lounge), so if you sent me mail it was most likely forwarded onto the Dr. Phil show (thank you SoBig!) If you have any questions, Chicago White Sox hate mail, corrections, feedback, comments, hot dog boil invitations, CORN OFF THE COB recipes, ideas, he can be reached at: lipinidriver@yahoo.com

LOUNGE DRESS CODE

Unlike the rest of PWTorch.com, smoking is permitted in The Lounge. There is no dress code. The Lounge is a new area of PWTorch.com that will feature columns from a variety of Torch Team Contributors (now also forever known as Lounge Dwellers). Each of them will write a column once a week, and a new Lounge column will be posted daily.

This Lounge features a different, more casual tone than the rest of PWTorch.com as the Lounge Dwellers write about wrestling, each other's opinions on wrestling, and some other stuff. They also welcome your feedback and will react to your letters in their columns. Here is the schedule of who you can expect to be here each day...

SUNDAY: Mike Sempervive (also NWA-TNA reviewer)

MONDAY: Marc Donmoyer (also NWA-TNA PPV reviewer)

MONDAY: Don Barbalat (also Velocity reviewer)

TUESDAY: Robert Igoe (also Confidential reviewer)

WEDNESDAY: Jeremy Maes (Heat reviewer)

WEDNESDAY: Dusty Giebink (Velocity reviewer)

THURSDAY: Jon Koeller (also Torch Indy Reporter)

FRIDAY: Keith Lipinski (also Torch Title Change Reporter)

SATURDAY: Mallory Mahling (longtime Raw alt perspective reviewer)

PLUS: Ellen Cohen twice a week contributes her "Feud-o-Meter" columns.

To visit the Main Lobby of the Lounge where you can access previous columns, click here.