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The following are PWTorch editor Wade Keller's picks for the best quotes on WWE Raw and Smackdown during the month of September.

Bob Barker at the start of Raw: “I wish I had a refrigerator for every one of you!”

Bob Barker to Jillian Hall: “I loved your singing, but I’m tone deaf.”

Cody Rhodes: “I could lie to you and tell you that Dusty Rhodes missed birthdays, missed graduations, was a neglectful, poor father, but the truth is, Dusty Rhodes was, is, a good father.”

Cody Rhodes: “I think Dusty Rhodes said there’s nothing a father wouldn’t do for his son. Well, there’s nothing this son wouldn’t do for his career.”

Santino: “I would like to bathe the Bella Twins in some Santino soup.”

Bob Barker in response: “Absolutely not. This is a family show.”

Randy Orton on the WWE Title: “It is the only thing I consider important in life.”
Ted DiBiase: “DX is like the stupid glow sticks they toss out each week. Sure, they’re fun and entertaining, I suppose, but after a while that glow burns out, you lose interest, and then you throw them away.”

Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole: “You’re correcting me a lot tonight… What I’m saying is you should just appreciate my vast knowledge and experience and not correct me, even when I’m wrong.”

Todd Grisham: “It’s not going to be Cirque du Soleil pretty by any means.”

C.M. Punk: “I became the first-ever Straight Edge World Heavyweight Champion. Then I got rid of Jeff for good. Just three weeks after he’s gone for good, Jeff goes and does what I’ve been saying for months. It’s all there in black and white. You can turn on the TV and see it. I’ll tell you this, Eve, you’ll never see my mug shot posted all over the Internet. You won’t read about me in the headlines, unlike Jeff. Unlike all these people, these wanna be French derelicts who pollute themselves with booze and cigarette smoke.”

Dolph Ziggler: “First Bob Barker, then Pat Patterson. Since when did WWE get taken over by senior citizens. If you’re here, who’s at home watching reruns of ’The Golden Girls’? Was Wilford Brimley busy tonight? Does the retirement home know you snuck out? Until you came out here tonight, I thought you were dead. But you look great. You look like a million bucks. I mean, even your hairpiece looks real.”

Jerry Lawler on Randy Orton: “If looks could kill, John Cena would be pushing up daisies right now.”
Jim Ross on The Undertaker: “His Hell’s Gate submission would encourage Satan to move north.”

Undertaker: “Submission is the only alternative to an eternity of pain.”

C.M. Punk: “You are like this generation’s ’Alice in Wonderland.’ You see, ’Alice in Wonderland’ took an entire generation of worthless hippies and led them to experiment with magic mushrooms and recreational hallucinogens.”

C.M. Punk: “You’re all going to crawl into a bottle, maybe pop three or four extra pain pills, just to numb yourself from the reality that your hero, the Undertaker, tapped out.”

Todd Grisham on Finlay: “Don’t let the music fool you, folks, this is one of the most brutal folks in all of WWE.”

Mike Knox on predators feasting on the shed tail of a lizard: “Tonight, Finlay, hunger won’t be satiated by just the tail. I want it all.”

Jim Ross: “Mike Knox seems like the kind of man who would enjoy a headache; it gives him more to analyze.”

Jim Ross on Big Show’s fist: “It’s like getting hit in the face with a microwave.”

Todd Grisham: “That’s what they say.”

Jim Ross in response: “We’re not allowed to use pronouns out here.”

Todd Grisham in response: “You! Knock it off.”

R-Truth: “Where I’m from, you kick my dog, and I’m going to kick my cat. He gets no ghetto pass from me.”

Michael Cole to Lawler: “Could you sit any closer to Mickie?”

Jerry Lawler in response: “If I sat any closer I’d be on the other side.”

Beth Phoenix to Trish Stratus: “Jericho didn’t run off and retire when new competition came to Raw to run a yoga studio in this second rate company.”

Chris Jericho to Trish Stratus: “I’ll take on Bob Barker anytime, anywhere.”

Cody Rhodes: “Are you ready? I said are you ready? Are you ready to welcome the dawning of a new era?”

Cody Rhodes: “As of this moment, Ted and myself are no longer known as the offspring of Dusty Rhodes or Million Dollar Man, because they’re now known as the fathers of The Legacy.”

Jerry Lawler on Hornswoggle: “He should be well-rested. I saw him in the locker room earlier resting. You ever seen someone use a tea-bag as a pillow?”
Chris Jericho: “They don’t deserve to be educated. They’re too far gone already. Imbeciles from birth until death. They don’t deserve to have the right to vote. Their opinion doesn’t matter. Only I know what is best for them.”

Cody Rhodes: “After this Sunday, Triple H can go ahead and get his cozy corner office at Titan Towers in Stamford, Connecticut and sit behind a desk with his relatives for the rest of what his career would be.”

Triple H on Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes: “How can I say this? You two are like, um, butts, but not so much the cheeks as the little center part.”

C.M. Punk: “Okay, I get it. You people destroy billions of brain cells on a daily basis with your excess consumption of alcoholic beverages, over–the–counter as well as prescription medication, the latter of which chances are probably aren’t even yours, and a veritable laundry list of other substances that you shove into your soft little bodies day after day.”

Vince McMahon: “Thank you for that big Oklahoma reception. It sort of reminds me of being home. Then of course you have to ask yourself why would Mr. McMahon have a home her in Oklahoma. Why would Mr. McMahon live in this god–forsaken hillbilly state. If I lived here, I’m sorry, I think I would drink to the sodification of Porky the Pig. Sorry there, J.R. Can anybody say barbecue sauce?”

Vince McMahon to Teddy Long: “I like looking at myself, so don’t deny myself that privilege.”

Vince McMahon to Teddy Long: “You mess with me and I’ll make hell look like Sunday school.”

Cedric the Entertainer: “Did you know Big Show drives a Prius. It took him three minutes to get one leg out. He couldn’t even get out.”

Miz on Kofi Kingston: “I didn’t float over on a raft and get washed up on shore with Bob Marley CD.”

Jerry Lawler: “Chavo has the speed advantage. I heard Cedric once raced a pregnant woman and came in third.”

Jim Ross: “I think Batista has always felt more comfortable on Friday Night Smackdown.”

Chris Jericho: “Babies are smiling, birds are cheering, and the sky is clear because Batista is back.”

Dolph Ziggler: “I’ve learned from the very few mistakes I’ve made in my life.”

Dolph Ziggler on Pat Patterson: “He’s a Hall of Famer. So what? He had his day, he had a run. It wasn’t that good of a run, but it was a run.”

Dolph Ziggler on John Morrison: “He looks great. He does some incredible things in the ring. You know, he is almost as good as I am. That is impressive.”

Dolph Ziggler: “I hope the Palace of Wisdom has a large ice machine for Morrison’s back when he gets there.”

Dolph Ziggler: “Morrison is one of those guys with a big ego. I can’t stand people like that. It’s gotta be a turn-off to everyone else.”

Todd Grisham on Melina: “I’ve never heard a scream like that. It’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie gone awry.”

Jim Ross on Melina’s screams: “There are Canadian Huskies barking all over the north.”

Jim Ross to Grisham after he described “this hold” generically: “That would be a Dragon Sleeper, Todd. And it is a submission maneuver. I’ll show you later. I’ll need help with it, though. I can’t bend over that far at this stage of the game.”

C.M. Punk on WWE fans: “What kind of existence do you have that you need to pop a pill to get out of bed, and then you ravage your body with pitchers of beer and that’s supposed to somehow heal your self-worth. And then you inhale poison into your lungs to calm your nerves. And then at the end of your sad, pathetic, lonely day, you need another pill to help you sleep. You are all just a legion of inebriated zombies waiting in line at the pharmacy with your hand out begging and pleading for that newest anti-depressant that you think is going to put an artificial smile on your face. You scratch and you claw for scapegoats for all of you inadequacies. And believe me, you have a lot of inadequacies. And don’t tell me you don’t self-medicate yourself to forget about it all. Don’t tell me you don’t self-medicate to hide from all of your inadequacies. Don’t deny it, because if you do, you’re a liar, too.”

C.M. Punk: “If you’re not straight edge like me, I’m simply better than you.”

Jim Ross in response: “He truly believes he’s a better human being than everyone else.”

C.M. Punk: “Now that the Charismatic Enabler is gone, I can see it on your faces. You are wondering if his living in the moment life of excesses was the answer. The clear answer is it wasn’t.”

C.M. Punk: “I am built to last and I am here to stay. If you are going to emulate any WWE superstar, th choice is certainly clear. It’s a choice of a new generation and his name is C.M. Punk.”

C.M. Punk: “I certainly won’t ever miss a show because of an incident at an airport. I certainly won’t skip a WrestleMania because I failed a test.”

C.M. Punk: “I can imagine you all sitting on your couch vegging out, smoking your illegal substances, hanging on Undertaker’s every magical trick, ohhing and ahhing all of his spooky powers.”

C.M. Punk: “I have laughed in the face of temptation time and time again. I have never tapped out to societies schoolyard attempts at peer pressure.”

C.M. Punk: “I’m harder than any alcohol you can drink. I’m straighter than any line you can snort up your nose. I certainly can hurt you faster than any pill you put on your tongue.”

Mike Knox: “The average human body shrinks one or two inches over its existence. This is due to the compression of bones. Kane, Finlay, size is relative when Mike Knox is the variable.”

Jim Ross: “Kane’s style is not a Norman Rockwell painting.”

Todd Grisham on Mysterio–Morrison: “This will be a five star, high voltage match.”

Jim Ross: “Maria did a Lou Thesz press. I’m not sure Maria knows who Lou Thesz is, but it was a nice move.”

Todd Grisham on kindergarden: “It was Alabama, so it really didn’t count.”

Jim Ross in response: “I didn’t pass (kindergarden), I just outgrew the desk.”

[Jerry Lawler art credit Joseph Borzotta (c) PWTorch]

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