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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
August 18, 2003
Live from Grand Rapids, Mich.

-Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show as the camera panned the crowd full of signs. They previewed the Test vs. Scott Steiner and Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash matches.

-They went right to the ring where Chris Jericho, with the Highlight Reel set, talked about facing Nash in the hair match later. He talked about being the "king of bling bling," a catch phrase that was in danger of sounding too cute by half from the start, but was completely ruined when Johnathan Coachman made such a big deal out of it. Anything that brings about memories of Coachman's lite-announcing style and sophomoric mentality is pretty much uncool. Jericho quickly shifted to talking about the Elimination Chamber match and his desire to regain the WWE Title. He said a man once stole the title away from him, and that person - Shawn Michaels - was his guest. Michaels came out to his intro music wearing his signature big belt buckle, jeans, and t-shirt doing his silly yet nostalgic dance routine.

Jericho told Michaels he won the Elimination Chamber last year and became WWE Champion. He asked whether he had what it takes to make lightning strike twice. After talking smack at Michaels for a minute, he said he had to prepare for his match against Nash later, so he couldn't stick around for Michaels's response, but he said some friends of his would come out instead. Jericho left and Evolution came out. Ross noted that Jericho and Evolution aren't even friends, and that this smelled like a set-up. Sure enough, Evolution and Michaels got into a brawl. Michaels held his own for a few seconds, but he ended up overwhelmed by the three heels. Kevin Nash ran out, but with Michaels already down, it was three-on-one so he went down. As Hunter focused on beating Nash senseless, Goldberg charged to the ring, no-sold some Ric Flair chops, and clotheslined Randy Orton out of the ring. He then waited for Hunter to stand up, then went for a Spear. Hunter side-stepped Goldberg, and Goldberg speared Nash (setting up the excuse for Nash to lose later to Jericho, I presume).

-Backstage, Test approached Stacy. He said he is going to beat Steiner and that means they're going to get back together. He admitted to being a rotten person before, but this time things will be different. He said, "This time I'm going to treat you like the little slut that you are."

[commercial break]

-A pretaped soundbite aired with Trish stating that Gail Kim has a problem with her, which she'll deal with at another time, but first she had to face Molly.

1 -- MOLLY HOLLY vs. TRISH STRATUS - WWE Women's Title match

These two had a couple of obviously messed up spots. One where a Molly sidebreaker was turned into an awkward sideslam and another where Molly appeared to be going for a tombstone piledriver, but instead it turned into a shoulder breaker in mid-move. Maybe she realized that is Taker's move in mid-execution and tried to change course. The match ended when Gail Kim ran out and attacked Molly during a pin attempt.

WINNER: No decision at 2:34.

STAR RATING: neg. 1/2* -- Way below their usual standards. They just weren't on the same page.

-Backstage, Steve Austin approached Evolution, who were in a celebratory mode. He asked them if they were happy with themselves. They said they were quite self-satisfied. He said he had an idea for the Raw main event - Randy Orton vs. Goldberg. At first Orton seemed upset, but them he cooled down and seemed okay with it, figuring his friends would assure his safety. He said, dripping with sarcasm, that he hoped all hell didn't break loose out there. Austin then caused Evolution Bugeyes when he announced that he'd be the special enforcer for the match.

-Shane McMahon walked out and cut a promo on his match with Eric Bischoff at SummerSlam. At first he said there wouldn't be a match against Bischoff at SummerSlam because he planned to tear him apart later this night. He said the second reason he came out was to address Kane. He then grabbed a gas can from behind the staging and said at the risk of ruining RVD's fun this Sunday, he'd set Kane on fire if he had the chance because "Kane isn't the only one who likes to play with fire."

-Backstage Lance Storm told Goldust he was boring and it was time they just acknowledge that he's boring. Goldust said he wasn't done with him yet. He told him the key to not being boring was not being unpredictable. He asked him what the most fun was he ever had and Storm said once he watched a video and didn't rewind it before he returned it. Goldust took him to a back room and told him find the first diva he sees and spit out some crazy words and give them a big kiss on the mouth.

-They showed Linda McMahon in her home office in Greenwich, Conn. Ross said they'd have a live interview with her later to check on her recovery. Linda, hilariously, was flipping through WWE magazines in her soulless antiseptic white home office.

[commercial break]

2 -- TEST vs. SCOTT STEINER

Just over a minute into the match, Test went for a big boot and then landed supposedly awkwardly and sold it as if he seriously injured his knee. The match stopped. The ref checked on Test's condition, then went to ringside and asked someone at ringside to call for trainers to come down to ringside. Then the ref made that "X" symbol with his hands to try to make is seem even "more real." Trainers came out and tended to Test. As was being helped to his feet, he gave Steiner a big boot out of nowhere and went for the cover. The ref, of course, immediately made the three count even though he could have just claimed the match was over once the trainers came out and refused to count. In any case, Test left with Stacy. "She's going to be treated like a slut," said Lawler.

WINNER: Test at 4:20.

STAR RATING: n/a

[commercial break]

-Ross and Lawler ran down the Raw matches scheduled for SummerSlam. They also plugged the Raw main event of Orton vs. Goldberg. They of course inserted Austin's image right next to Goldberg since he was special enforcer for the match.

-La Resistance came out and said they wanted a moment of silence to mourn the death of the Dudleys. They said at SummerSlam they would bury the Dudleys once and for all and prove they are the best tag team champs ever. Then they singled out "a fan" (OVW's Rob Conway) in the front row with a miliary haircut and stripes on his sleeve. He asked him if he was a member of the armed forces. The guy said he was. They asked him how many innocent civilians he killed last week. They taunted him and "the fan" almost jumped the railing. The Dudleys then ran out, prompting La Resistance to retreat up the rampway. The Dudleys welcomed the fan into the ring and a big "USA" chant broke out. The fan then blindsided the Dudleys. La Resistance returned to the ring and helped him in beating down the Dudleys. Ross wondered who the hell is that guy who just tricked the Dudleys.

-They showed Jericho combing his hair backstage. Ross said that may be the last time he combs his hair. "Somebody's going to be shaved bald next," Ross said.

[commercial break]

-They once again showed Linda McMahon in her "study," this time visiting WWE.com. I don't know why, but the scene of Linda in that room looked a scene out of the Twilight Zone of a woman who had everything material in the world she could want, but she had to sell her soul to get it. She just looked empty and stiff sitting there stoically visiting her website.

3 -- CHRIS JERICHO vs. KEVIN NASH

Ross said he hopes Jericho gets his head shaved because "he's an arrogant jackass." Nash bleached his hair pure blond, which seemed to be a lot of trouble to go to when he's going to be shaving it all off. It made him look like Big Daddy Grandpa with a bad dye job. It also looked like a bad Halloween wig. Jericho began kicking at Nash's left knee, giving Nash a storyline reason for being virtually immobile out there. Nash came back and dropped Jericho face-first over the ring barrier. At 3:00 Jericho fought back and nailed Nash with a top rope dropkick and scored a two count. Jericho yanked a turnbuckle pad off the top corner buckle. While the ref put it back in place, Nash had Jericho scooped up with a cradle and a visual fall. The ref finally turned around and made a two count before Jericho kicked out. Nash came back with some offense. Jericho fought back with a Walls of Jericho. Nash reached the ropes at 8:15 to force a break. Nash surprised Jericho with a Jackknife, but the brittle Nash sold that he hurt his leg in the process. He barely covered Jarrett by draping his arm over Jericho, but Jericho put his left leg on the bottom rope to break the count. Nash dropped his straps and set up another Jackknife, but Jericho low-blowed Nash while the ref wasn't looking. Jericho then nailed Nash with a foreign object for the win.

WINNER: Jericho at 9:53.

STAR RATING: * -- Setting aside Nash's executive, because he's physically just not able to perform any more, the structure of the match made sense and told a story.

-Jericho got scissors and enthusiastically began cutting Nash's locks and ran off with a huge wad of it. Nash sat up and looked angry as Jericho celebrated his win by rubbing Nash's hair all over his face. They went to the commercial without shaving Nash's head bald, as had been advertised, without any promise that the shaving would be finished later.

[commercial break]

-A commercial aired hyping the Smackdown matches at SummerSlam.

-A skit aired with Hurricane and Rosey. A little girl's cat climbed a tree. Rosie said he would get the cat down for her. He flew up the tree off camera and got the cat down for her. Hurricane then entered the scene and began telling the girl a story. The cat then attacked Rosie in the background. It cling to his face. He bashed the obviously stuffed cat against the tree to break the grip, and then ran away. Rosie interrupted Hurricane's story and told him breathlessly that they had another mission to tend to. I'm not quite sure how to react to this. It was kind of cute and really stupid all at once.

4 -- RODNEY MACK (w/Teddy Long) vs. ROSIE (w/Hurricane)

Long talked about how he is living large and decided to take a cruise, and now that he's back, "whitey" is still trying to keep Rodney back. Long said the blackout America experienced last week is nothing compared to the "Mackout" they're about to experience. Lots of punches early. Rosie splashed Mach in the corner, then planted him for the clean win. Boy, has Mack's stock dropped since that winning streak a couple months ago.

WINNER: Mack at 1:45.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-They replayed Kane piledriving Linda.

-Linda McMahon was interviewed from her study. She said in her Stepford Wife style that she is still feeling pain in her neck, but she is hopeful that she won't have to continue to wear the neck brace much longer. She said she was traumatized and may never be able to be in Kane's presence again. The door bell rang over and over again. Linda said she had to go see who was at the door. When she stood up, Eric Bischoff entered the room. Linda asked, "How did you get in?" Bischoff smiled and said she looked shocked to see him. "Not nearly as your son Shane McMahon must be," he said. He said Shane is in Michigan looking for him when in reality he's in her palatial estate in Connecticut. He began coming on to her, rubbing his hand on her arm and telling her she looked exceptional. Linda's acting is at least 100 trillion times worse than it was just a couple of years ago. She seriously doesn't even seem to be a human anymore. It's like her eyes are just glazed over as she gives her lines robotically.

[commercial break]

-They went back to Bischoff and Linda. Bischoff complained about how he built WCW with his own sweat and his family sacrificed to make it what it was, and then what happened? Shane was handed the promotion like a graduation gift. Bischoff said he was going to destroy Shane at SummerSlam. He then put Linda's arm behind her back. He forced a kiss on her. He then indicated he was taking her and her big breasts to her bedroom.

[commercial break]

-They showed Shane grabbing his bags and running out of the arena. He stole someone else's car so he could rush to the airport.

5 -- CHRISTIAN vs. ROB VAN DAM -- Intercontinental Title

The IC Title means so little that a title match doesn't even get mentioned until match time. Ross talked about Bischoff's actions, calling him a "hideous, ballsless human being." Christian finally has ring trunks that compliment his body and look big league. It's so much more difficult to get into a match when no promo time is given and no hype is presented beforehand. It just seems like a throwaway match even before it starts. Christian brought chairs into the ring at 7:00, but it backfired when RVD nailed him with a Van Daminator. RVD followed up with a Frog Splash. Ross declared a new champion in the making. Kane's fireworks then blasted and he walked out before RVD could make the pin. RVD kicked a chair into Kane's face and then dove through the ropes at him head-first. Kane lifted a chair to block him. Kane then picked up the limp body of RVD and carried him to the back.

WINNER: No decision at 8:00.

STAR RATING: **

-A video aired hyping both the Smackdown and Raw matches at SummerSlam. Excellent video.

[commercial break]

-Test told Stacy backstage that he won her services and now she must dance for him, Stevie Richards, and Rico. She didn't want to and he verbally bashed her.

-Kane handcuffed RVD backstage, suffed a towel in his mouth, and then poured gasoline all over him. He said he always had his fate in his hands and could destroy him any time he wanted. He lit a match and held it near RVD, but then said "they" want to see him set him on fire, and from now on he does what he wants to. He blew out the match.

-Steve Austin came to the ring for the main event.

[commercial break]

6 -- GOLDBERG vs. RANDY ORTON

Hunter and Flair did color commentary during the match. Goldberg chased Orton around ring and into the ring. Goldberg took Orton down with a clothesline, but seconds later caught a charging Goldberg with an extended boot. He then clotheslined Goldberg to ringside and whipped him into the ringside stairs. Orton scored a two count in the ring. Goldberg came back with a press slam at 2:30 followed by a high backdrop. Orton came back with an eye poke. Goldberg shoved Orton and the ref got in the way. Goldberg powerslammed Orton and then made the cover. Austin entered the ring and made a two count. That prompted Flair and Hunter to claim Austin was overstepping his place as special enforcer. Flair ran to ringside to explain to Austin his role. Goldberg put Orton in a submission hole. Flair yanked Austin out of the ring. Flair then interfered at 4:30 with a series of stomps. Austin entered the ring and punched Flair, which popped the crowd. Then he stomped away at him in the corner. Orton got up and went after Austin, but Austin punched him and then set him up for a Spear by Goldberg. Austin then gave Flair a Stunner. Goldberg then gave Orton a Jackhammer for the win. Hunter yapped at Goldberg from the stage. Hunter took off his shirt, but didn't enter the ring. Instead, Nash, with not quite a bald head but instead a nice crewcut, attacked Goldberg from behind. Hunter laughed, but Nash then pointed at Hunter and didn't smile, ending any speculation of an alliance between those two. Michaels then superkicked Hunter from out of nowhere on the main stage. Nash and Michaels smiled at each other. Jericho then attacked Michaels from behind with a chair. Nash didn't jump to his friend's aid, though. Jericho grabbed the WWE Title belt and draped it over his shoulder.

WINNER: Goldberg at 5:30.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Basic stuff, but well executed.

KELLER'S STAR RATING QUALIFICATION KEY:

DUD: Not just below-average, but without redeeming qualities either due to incompetence, inexperience, lack of effort, or mistakes. A bad finish to a below-average match can also rate a DUD.

ONE STAR: Below average match, but passable.

TWO STARS: Average everyday match, usually between five and ten minutes, with nothing memorable about it, but nothing wrong with it. A shorter match can also earn two stars if it was better than average for five minutes, but didn't last long enough to justify a three star rating.

THREE STARS: Very good match, but lacking something to take it to the next level. It might be a match between two average wrestlers that overachieved or a match between two excellent wrestlers that underperformed. Contains some element that makes it stand out from a typical average match and it effectively fulfilled it purpose in the context of the rest of the show.

FOUR STARS: Excellent match, entering match of the year territory. Everything fell into place. Several elements of the match were dramatic or emotional enough to get the crowd into the action. In almost every case, a match needs to have a satisfying finish to rate four stars or higher. A poor finish can take what is otherwise a four-star match and drop below. It's tough to reach four stars unless a match goes past 15 minutes.

FIVE STARS: A rare masterpiece where the match transcends what is usually considered a great match. To rate five stars, there can't be one fault to the match - not a poor finish, or a poor start, or some missed moves, or inconsistent selling, or corny ref bumps, or tired cliched spots, or a dead crowd, or lack of emotions expressed by the wrestlers. Each segment of the match has to fit into the larger story of the match. It's tough for a match to reach five stars unless it lasts at least 20 minutes.

NOTE: Sometimes being the "first of a kind" can elevate a match rating, such as being the first ladder match or first Hell in a Cell or first TLC match or first War Games, making an excellent match better in it that incorporates a new match stipulation effectively. The same match two years later, after a gimmick is repeated over and over again, may have lost the novelty factor and thus not score five stars.

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