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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
AUGUST 14, 2003
TAPED TUESDAY IN ST. LOUIS, MO.

-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the program. They announced that Big Show vs. Undertaker had been signed as the main event for the show by Vince McMahon, who then came out.

-McMahon told the crowd he had the honor of introducing them to someone they really don't know. (Well, usually that's how it goes; you get introduced to people you don't know.) Then he clarified by saying fans may have thought they knew who Brock Lesnar was, but they didn't. He rattled off Brock Lesnar's resume, but added that he knows about another side of Brock that the fans don't. There was a strange wave of cheers that sounded artificial for a few seconds, apparently dubbing over something they didn't want on the air. McMahon narrated over footage of how he and Brock had fooled Angle. Then he introduced "the real Brock Lesnar," who walked out with a sh--eating grin on his face.

Brock said friendship had absolutely nothing to do with what he did to Angle last week. Vince looked concerned. Brock said Angle isn't his friend, although he used to be. He said he wanted to tell the fans his definition of friendship: "The art of using somebody to your advantage so they can help you succeed in life. Once they no longer can help you they are no longer your friend." He told the booing fans not to judge him. He said he knows they use their friends the same way he uses his. "You see, you people and Kurt Angle have something in common. You suck." Vince announced that Brock would face Angle at SummerSlam no matter what condition he was in. Cole made a big deal out of the official announcement of that being the main event at SummerSlam. Stephanie McMahon then walked out to her music.

Stephanie, whose voice is sounding more and more like Joanie Laurer's every week it seems, scolded Vince for trying to make her quit. "I'm not going to quit, Dad. Until you fire me or until you fire me, I'm going to stand up to you. As a businessman, you might be one of the biggest successes in the world, but as a father to me and Shane and as a husband to your wife, you're a piece of garbage. You're nothing." Vince said: "Who the hell do you think you are? I don't take that kind of talk from any man alive, much less a woman I have to say, you're a terrible disappointment, Stephanie. I may be to you, but you are to me." He said he put her in charge of Smackdown because he thought she might follow in his footsteps. He said she was a bad investment, although his worst investment was marrying her mother. She tried to slap Vince, but Brock blocked it. Vince said if she wants to get physical tonight, he'll book her against A-Train later.

[commercial break]

1 -- REY MYSTERIO & KIDMAN vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN & CHARLIE HAAS

They fought a basic tag match without anything spectacular and at a slow pace in the opening minutes, so it was obviously going long. They went to a commercial cold without any of those mini-controversies they usually contrive to create a natural pause in the action.

[commercial break]

The action continued with Rey getting beat up for several minutes. At 12:00 Rey hot-tagged Kidman who hit some really nice offense including a strong looking dropkick. He scored a very near fall on Haas at 13:00. Kidman nailed Haas with his Shooting Star on one side of the ring while Rey nailed Benjamin with the 619 at the other. Kidman scored a near fall and would have had the pin in theory had Rey not occupied the ref with his 619. As Rey argued with the ref at ringside over possession of the title belt, Benjamin nailed Kidman with another title belt leading to Haas scoring the pin.

WINNERS: Haas & Benjamin in 15:00 (est.)

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- They didn't do a good job setting the stage for the match before it aired, so it was more difficult to get into the slow-building match at first. It didn't help that Cole and Tazz, rather than hyping the match, spent the first couple minutes talking about the McMahons and Brock.

[commercial break]

2 -- BILLY GUNN (w/Torrie Wilson) vs. DANNY BASHAM (w/Doug Basham)

WINNER: Basham at 1:15 after interference from Danny.

STAR RATING: 1/4*

After the match, Shaniqua bodyslammed Torrie while the Bashams beat up Gunn. Jamie Noble and Nidia eventually ran out to make the save. Nidia leaped onto Shaniqua's back and choked her. Noble, though, ended up outnumbered by the Bashams and took a beating himself. All four faces were left lying on the mat at the end of the beating.

-Faarooq and Bradshaw discussed whether Shaniqua is a man. Bradshaw brought out a picture of Benjamin with a wig drawn on and said that was Shaniqua. He said, "Just like you never see Bruce Wayne and Superman in the same room, you never see Shelton and Shaniqua together. Think about it." He got confused on his comic book characters, obviously. Bradshaw just seems so different now with the haircut. He acts happy go lucky instead of intimidating now. Faarooq suggested they start up their protection agency office again. Bradshaw was against it.

-They showed Big Show warming up backstage for his match against Taker.

[commercial break]

3 -- BIG SHOW vs. UNDERTAKER

Cole said he tried to ask Taker about the condition of his ribs before the match, but Taker didn't respond. Tazz told Cole he ought to stop trying to ask Taker questions he doesn't want to hear. What you'd expect between these two, nothing more. Taker charged Show in the corner at 7:00 with two clotheslines followed by a chokeslam attempt. Taker clutched his ribs. Show broke up the grip with a shot to the ribs. He followed with a clothesline to take Taker down. When Taker took control at ringside at 9:30, A-Train came out and bashed a two-by-four across Taker's ribs. Cole plugged that Taker and Train will wrestle at SummerSlam. Big Show rolled into the ring to beat the countout.

WINNER: Big Show at 10:47.

STAR RATING: *1/2

[commercial break]

4 -- EDDIE GUERRERO vs. RHYNO

Eddie Guerrero came out first and joined Cole and Tazz at ringside. Then Chris Benoit came out and asked for a chair, too. Both joined in on color commentary. Guerrero denied any cheating in classic EG fashion. Tajiri applied a Tarantula at 1:00 briefly. Tajiri missed a roundhouse kick and Rhyno caught him with a quick powerbomb in return. Guerrero and Benoit had some funny exchanges about when they used to travel together. Tajiri finished off Rhyno quickly and cleanly, although the match was just background noise for Benoit and Guerrero to bicker. Afterward Benoit demanded Guerrero give him a ride in his car. Guerrero invited Benoit inside. Benoit wanted Guerrero to make it bounce, but did so in a mocking tone. Guerrero lost his cool and demanded Benoit get out. Guerrero then stormed out of the car and walked to the back without his car. Benoit asked him what was wrong.

WINNER: Tajiri at 2:02.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

[commercial break]

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. ZACH GOWEN

Cena said: "You're good at two things, one is being useless and the other is being the perfect partner in a three-legged race." He then said he wouldn't need a partner in a three-legged race because he'd just "put a boot on his..." Cena dominated early. He lifted him for his FU, but dropped him and decided to give him more punishment. He set up an FU from the second rope. Zach countered it in mid-air and Cena came up wincing. Zach kicked Cena, then dropkicked him off the ropes. He followed up with a bulldog springboard off the second rope. He scored a two count. Zach climbed to the top rope and hit bodyblock. Cena rolled through and picked up Zach, and then gave him an FU for the win.

WINNER: Cena at 3:08

STAR RATING: * -- The novelty of Zach is beginning to wear off a bit already. What he's able to do is amazing, but it's not clear that he has anywhere to go from here.

-A-Train cornered Steph backstage and said her daddy paid him a lot of money to do what he did, but he would have done it for free. He said he's going to get rough with her later, then he rubbed her hand against his chest and said nobody loves it rougher than A-Train.

[commercial break]

-Cole was outraged as footage aired of Matt Hardy attacking Zach on the rampway during the break.

-Backstage Spanky was fooling around backstage at catering with Orlando Jordan and Funaki. Spanky drank Hershey syrup straight, but ended up splashing some on McMahon's sports jacket. Vince said he is like a "stain on the underwear of life." McMahon asked who Spanky was. Spanky said Vince has been paying him for a year and called him "Vince." Vince didn't seem pleased that he called him Vince. Spanky mocked Vince for a bad investment called the XFL. Vince ordered Spanky to fight Brock next.

[commercial break]

6 -- BROCK LESNAR vs. BRIAN "SPANKY" KENDRICK

Brock destroyed Spanky for just over a minute with a chair before the ref called off the match.

WINNER: Spanky at 1:40 via DQ.

STAR RATING: n/a

Brock continued to destroy Spanky, leaving him a blood mess. Vince met Brock on the ramp and congratulated on what he did.

-They showed a worried looking Steph making her way to the entrance tunnel.

[commercial break]

7 -- STEPHANIE vs. A-TRAIN

Sable did guest ring announcing. She announced that the match would be "no countout" so Steph couldn't run and hide. When Sable got too smarmy, Steph attacked her and rammed her head into the mat over and over again. She stopped when A-Train's music started. Train made his way to the ring and smiled as he backed Sable into the corner. Steph slapped Train twice, but Train was unaffected. He then tossed Steph across the ring and then crushed her in the corner. Vince sat at ringside with Sable making self-satisfied faces. Train then lifted Steph in the air, but Taker's music played. Train dropped Steph and went after Taker on the ramp. Taker threw a series of punches at Train. Big Show came out with a chair and took out Taker. Train returned to the ring at 2:00 and gave her a corner splash. Then he dragged her to center ring and scored the three count.

WINNER: A-Train at 2:31.

STAR RATING: n/a

Vince walked into the ring apparently to check on his daughter, but instead made out with Sable in the middle of the ring. Cole said he's doing that not only in front of his battered daughter but also in front of his convalescing wife at home watching on television.

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