By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
JULY 17, 2003
TAPED SUNDAY IN COLUMBUS

-After the Smackdown opening montage, Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show and plugged the TV main event of Brock Lesnar vs. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas & Big Show.

-Vince McMahon then headed right to the ring with his hilarious strut. McMahon talked about the Steph & Zach vs. Big Show match he booked. He said things didn't turn out how he wanted because Zach earned a WWE contract, but he also will be forced to wrestle him at Vengeance. He said Zach won the match for two reasons - one Kurt Angle, the other Brock Lesnar. He talked about the Angle vs. Haas & Benjamin & Show match last week. He said the reason Kurt Angle didn't come to ringside to look out for Lesnar last week was Vince told Angle if he went to ringside, he'd take him out of the title match at Vengeance. When he turned his attention to Zach Gowen, Brock Lesnar's music interrupted. Lesnar walked out onto the stage wearing his WWE Title belt around his waist. McMahon looked peeved that Lesnar interrupted him. He told Lesnar he might be mad about last week, but added, "Don't cross the boss." Lesnar said he isn't there to cross the boss, he's there to "beat the boss." Lesnar said he wanted Vince in the ring tonight. Vince looked at Brock with disdain and said, "You think I wouldn't take you on? You think I'm going to back down from you?. You want the match! You're on!" Cole declared, "McMahon-Lesnar, tonight!" McMahon then added, "Just not tonight. If I'm going to face you I want to face you at 100 percent capacity. I know your ribs are hurt." He said for his own protection, he would give him "the night off." The crowd booed. He "ordered" him to take the night off. He told Lesnar if he didn't take the night off and if he stuck his nose in Angle's business, he'd strip him of the title and fire him. He warned Lesnar not to push it.

Lesnar yanked the mic out of McMahon's hand. He said even though he realizes he can't F5 him, "F-U!" Tazz said there is no grey area in that message. Cole said the bigger issue is that Angle is stuck in a handicapped match and won't have Lesnar to look out for him.

-Cole and Tazz talked about the U.S. Title. Cole seemed to lose his train of thought mid-sentence and blushed a little afterward as he plugged the U.S. Title matches. Highlights aired of Matt Hardy beating Rikishi three weeks ago.

1 -- CHRIS BENOIT vs. MATT HARDY -- U.S. Title Semi-Finals

Mattitude Fact of the Week: "Matt beard is much cooler than Benoit's." Benoit got in some killer chops to Hardy's chest. Moore helped Matt get the advantage by tripping Benoit as he ran the ropes. Benoit fought back at 4:00 with a snap suplex, prompting Moore to re-enter the ring. Benoit easily suplexed him out of the ring. Benoit applied a Crippler Crossface, but Hardy reached the ropes. Hardy began heavily bleeding from the nose, which Tazz said was from a stiff forearm from Benoit. Cole threw in a good line, saying this isn't boxing and they aren't stopping the match due to blood. Hardy slammed Benoit to the mat and then hit Benoit's signature flying headbutt off the top rope. Benoit moved out of the way. Both men were down as the ref began to count. Benoit got up and gave Hardy two consecutive German suplexes. Hardy bailed out of the avoid the third, but when he re-entered the ring, Benoit caught him with a third. Benoit went for a top rope headbutt at 7:00, but Hardy moved. Hardy to the second rope, but Benoit went up to meet him. They came off the ropes and Benoit turned it into a Crippler Crossface. Hardy tapped out. Tazz said, "I don't care whether you like Matt Hardy or not, that was a tremendous effort. But Chris Benoit defeated Matt Hardy." Hardy lay in the ring with his nose bleeding all over his face as Benoit returned to the back the victor.

WINNER: Benoit at 7:28.

STAR RATING: *** -- About as good as a seven minute match can get. Really good match in every way - execution, pacing, variety of moves, convincing selling, good build-up to the finish, everything. Good announcing helped, too.

[commercial break]

-Steph confronted Vince backstage in a huff. When she stormed off, Vince said it was a case of PMS.

-Brock Lesnar was on his way out of the building when Kurt Angle caught up to him. Lesnar yelled at Angle for not being there for him. Angle said he had no choice, but said he faces the same odds later. Lesnar smiled, shook his hand, and wished him luck. He told him not to get hurt so he doesn't have any excuses when he doesn't win the title at Vengeance. Lesnar left. Angle said outloud to himself that he never makes excuses.

[commercial break]

-Jamie Noble walked to the ring and apologized to Torrie Wilson for what he said last week. He said she is worth at least $25,000. Nidia got upset and walked away. Noble complained about her walking away from him.

2 -- JAMIE NOBLE vs. ULTIMO DRAGON

Cole, who I have a hunch has never seen an Ultimo Dragon match from Japan on tape, called Ultimo "the legendary Ultimo Dragon." Ultimo opened with some dazzling sweeps and kicks, then hit his Asai Moonsault at ringside. Dragon then threw Noble into the ring and came off the top rope. Noble caught him in mid-air with a kick. Billy "I'm Straight, Really!" Gunn walked out with Torrie, distracting Noble. Ultimo then bridged Noble from behind for the win.

WINNER: Ultimo at 2:20.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Good for two minutes of moves, but hardly a full-fledged match. They're killing Ultimo already by treating him as an everyday wrestler.

-A pretaped segment aired with John Cena in a graveyard sending a message to Undertaker. Cena implied Taker was sleeping with priests. "You ain't a dead man, you're just a dead issue. At Vengeance I'm going to prove the big dog is all bark, I'm going to claim my territory by (bleeping) right on the mark." They then showed a stream coming from his crotch area onto a gravestone.

[commercial break]

(Stealing from James Guttman, I present... The Commercial Quote of the Week: During a Blue Cross BlueSheild stop smoking commercial, a former smoker says: "I've stopped smelling of smoke, my dog likes me again.")

-Bradshaw and Faarooq invited Spanky and Kanyon to their Invitational Bar Room Brawl. When Kanyon said he had a cable guy coming over, APA told him it wasn't a choice. Kanyon said he'd reschedule the appointment. We know who Kanyon is, but does the average Smackdown viewer?

3 -- REY MYSTERIO & KIDMAN vs. THE CONQUISTADORS

During Rey's ring entrance, a graphic plugged Rey's DVD and a free bonus beach towel offer. The Conquistadors were two muscular guys in masks who didn't get any ring entrance. Tazz and Cole made fun of them being Conquistador #47 and #2800. It's been a while since the ol' masked jobber gimmick was used to hide the identities of developmental wrestlers to prevent them from getting pegged "jobbers." Of course, that didn't stop the Hardy Boys. Rey hit the 619 followed by Kidman hitting the Shooting Star Press.

WINNERS: Rey & Kidman at 2:47 when Kidman pinned "C#47."

STAR RATING: *

[commercial break]

-Vince came back to the ring and introduced Sable, who was up in a skybox. He said she was in there for Stephanie's own good. He said she's the type to pounce on her pray and mount her pray and rip the clothes off her pray and go on for hours and hours and hours. He stopped himself and said he really came out to talk about Zach Gowen. He said he believes in the rules of nature. He said nature is supposed to take care of the defects. He said some fans see Zach as a success story, but he claimed most fans see him for what he really is, "a sickening amputee." When the crowd booed, he said if they were honest, they'd admit they don't like looking at him because it makes them feel uneasy. He said if they throw some money at a charity, it's to keep the "sickness and deformity away from your families so you don't have to deal with it." He said he would face it himself and deal with it. "I will do to Zach what Mother Nature should have done to begin with and that is put Zach Gowen out of his misery." Cena's music then started and walked out, upsetting Vince in the process.

Cole said Vince wouldn't be happy being interrupted again. "Cena's got a set of grapefruits on him," said Tazz. Cena told Vince he is "on fire doing his thing." He said because he is feeling that "crazy veteran status," he came out to help Vince communicate to the masses what he going to due to him at Vengeance. He said he's just like Ted Turner, eh can't possibly beat him. He then rhymed "pathetic" and "prosthetic." He added: "He's a circus freak, half his body is half-plastic, he should do us both a favor and hop his ass into traffic." He said they're both in handicapped matches because while "I'm fighting a dead man, you're fighting Christopher Reeves." He concluded with a quip: "What's better than beating a one-legged wrestler? Being able to walk." Vince smiled and said "Word life and all that stuff." He said Cena reminds him of himself because he says whatever he wants without worrying about anyone else. Undertaker's music then played and he drove to the ring on his motorcycle. When Taker entered the ring, Cena attacked him. Taker immediately kicked Cena out of the ring, and Cena fled to the back. In theory, the heel is supposed to get one-up on the babyface so that fans can pay to see the babyface get revenge. In this case, the approach is meant to sell fans on the idea that Taker will get a chance to beat Cena up for longer than just two seconds come PPV time in response to Cena running his mouth so much. It's a valid approach since in this case it's not as if Taker is going to show vulnerability to a guy of Cena's character and tenure at this point.

[commercial break]

4 -- SEAN O'HAIRE vs. RHYNO

They brawled at ringside even before the match officially began. O'Haire choked out Rhyno with a cable at ringside. APA ran out with their flyers for their invitational bar room brawl at Vengeance. O'Haire kicked Bradshaw. Rhyno gave O'Haire a Gore. Bradshaw punched Rhyno for good measure. O'Haire then walked away, but not before motioning to APA that he'd be at the barroom brawl at the PPV. Boy, what ringing endorsement of the Rhyno character that they give him a non-match and a chance to get beat up by fellow babyfaces APA.

-In the luxury suite, Sable complained to a woman about her beverage not being chilled properly.

[commercial break]

-Cole plugged that next week Smackdown is in Fresno, Calif. He didn't give out any info on what day exactly, which means at least one person will be walking up to the arena next Thursday (the taping's on Tuesday).

5 -- BILLY GUNN (w/Torrie Wilson) vs. EDDIE GUERRERO

Fans chanted "Eddie, Eddie" late in the match. Gunn didn't know how to react. When Noble came to ringside, Guerrero shoved Gunn into the ref and then nailed Gunn in the head with a chair. Guerrero then pretended to be knocked out alongside Gunn. Tazz actually acknowledged for the first time in history by an announcer (Tazz in this case) that the referee "heard the chairshot" by didn't know who hit whom. Guerrero crawled onto Gunn for the clever win.

WINNER: Guerrero at 8:30.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Solid match. I'm still amazed. After watching wrestling for over 20 years, I've never heard an announcer acknowledge that the referee must have heard a chairshot two feet away from him when his back was turned. It's a dangerous, dangerous precedent to set, though, because that suspension of disbelief has been changed and now fans are going to expect referees to actually hear what's going on behind them after decades of deaf referees. WWE has a challenge on their hands with Guerrero if they're going to try to get him over as a heel because they've conditioned fans to like Guerrero BECAUSE he is a sneaky cheater. Now they're cheering him against Gunn. Then again, every heel gets cheered against Gunn, who's gimmick is so ill-conceived it has no chance to get over, with or without the plastic Torrie by his side. Having Hardy job clean to Benoit but having Gunn job via chairshot to Guerrero is a sign that management believes Hardy can bounce back from doing a clean job with skill and charisma whereas Gunn is too fragile to have lose clean.

-Backstage Josh Matthews tried to interview Sable about her match with Stephanie in that bashful, Jimmy from the old black and white "Superman" TV show way. Steph approached Sable and served her her beverage chilled by pouring it over her head. The two women engaged in a sloppy, messy food fight. Sable even slapped Josh. Steph screeched as each saw who could pop the other's boob first. Security (or two guys in yellow shirts) separated them.

[commercial break]

-They replayed the Steph-Sable brawl. Why we needed to see it again, just two minutes after it first aired, is a production philosophy mystery I have yet to have explained to me. I just think that encourages channel flipping.

-Cole and Tazz ran down the Vengeance line-up. They actually billed the World Tag Title match, Undertaker vs. Cena, and the three-way World Title match after McMahon vs. Gowen, although McMahon vs. Gowen is the focus of the Vengeance TV commercials.

-With 27 minutes to go in the show, Kurt Angle came out for the main event. After a full-fledged ring entrance, they cut to another commercial.

[commercial break]

6 -- KURT ANGLE vs. BIG SHOW & CHARLIE HAAS & SHELTON BENJAMIN

The heels beat up Angle easily in the opening minutes. Show whipped Angle into the steel steps at ringside at 2:30. Haas then nailed Angle with a chair to the back. I keep expecting Lesnar to run in for the save wearing the Mr. America mask. At 4:30 they cut to a commercial.

[commercial break]

They beat Angle up in the ring, at ringside, and in the crowd. Angle eventually made a comeback with a trash can lid, but even that comeback was short-lived. At 12:30 Zach ran to the ring, yanked off his prosthesis, and then dropkicked Haas and Benjamin. Big Show then grabbed him, but Angle had enough time to recover that he stopped a chokeslam. Zach rolled out of the ring. Angle gave Show an Angleslam, then gave one to Benjamin, followed by an Anklelock on Haas. Show kicked Angle in the face to break the hold. When Show was going to chokeslam Angle through the announcers table, Zach flew off the top rope into Show. Show caught Zach, then threw him onto a chair. Angle then nailed Show with part of the ringside stairs. Show bumped into the front row. Haas and Benjamin brought Angle into the ring. Benjamin gave Angle a sidekick, but Angle blocked it. Benjamin went for a spin kick, but it hit Haas instead. Benjamin went for another kick, but Angle caught his leg and then put Benjamin in an Anklelock for the tapout win. Angle celebrated his win with Zach.

WINNER: Angle at 15:38.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- A bit monotonous with Angle selling the whole time. It wouldn't have been believable any other way, but the match stips limited the quality of the match itself. Zach's interference was well done.

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