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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
APRIL 10, 2003
TAPED TUESDAY IN SPOKANE, WASH.

-They showed Brock Lesnar arriving at the arena backstage as people congratulated him on his win as if he were a god. He signed a woman's breast. There's something really creepy about contriving star worship for TV cameras, especially when it's backstage workers and not actual fans outside the arena. Even more so at a time when the real heroes are those risking their lives for in Iraq, not sports entertainers bickering over six-figure match payoffs.

-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the program and talked about the title contender matches coming up later in the show.

1 -- BROCK LESNAR vs. MATT HARDY (w/Shannon Moore)

When Brock Lesnar walked out to the ring, he had a big smile on his face. It's good to see Brock smile, since he rarely shows much emotion beyond "bug dumb thug," and he has more than that in him. He seemed to be genuinely happy to have won the title. They replayed his botched shooting star press from several angles. Matt Facts: "Matt's book is a New York Times Bestseller, of course" and "Matt is currently the longest reigning singles champion on Smackdown." Brock pummeled Matt at the start, so Moore entered the ring. Brock knocked him out of the ring, giving Matt a chance to his Brock from behind with a title belt and score a two count. Matt continued on offense including a neckbreaker at 1:00 for a two count. He dropkicked a sitting Brock in the head twice, choked him over the middle rope. Brock stood up and dropped Matt on the back of his head. That's the type of bump that helps keep neck surgeons busy. Matt followed with a clothesline, but Brock returned fire with three of his own. He followed with two belly-to-belly suplexes. I'd like to see more belly-to-belly suplexes and less of the suplexes that have impact on the back of the necks. Moore interfered again, so Brock knocked him off the apron again. Brock then gave Matt his F5 for the win.

WINNER: Brock Lesnar at 3:19.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Really good for a short three minute match. Matt got in a fair amount of offense and the announcers didn't play it up as a total mismatch, so it wasn't a complete squash by any means. It's still bad business in general to have the cruiserweight champ face the heavyweight champ in a throwaway TV match because it establishes one division as being dominant over the other, rather than just different, but special in their own ways. It's a sign of a company that doesn't see the true money potential in that division, or a company under the influence of heavyweight wrestlers with influence who don't want to share the main event bucks with another whole division of talented, potentially show-stealing wrestlers.

[commercial break]

-Highlights aired of Piper's Pits from the '80s. There's a whole generation of fans (actually, several generations) who have never seen a first-run Piper's Pit. After a clip of Piper beating up a jobber, Cole was laughing and said, "I'll never forget that." Sort of the opposite of his resume when it comes to WWE if he ever tries to get a job in mainstream sports.

-Highlights aired of last week's Vince McMahon-Hulk Hogan angles with Vince's stab at an Emmy Award. Cole and Tazz discussed McMahon's motivations. Tazz said he doesn't feel bad for Hogan because he gets to earn his money sitting at home. Cole said it's not about the money, it's about performing in front of his Hulkamaniacs.

-Sable's music interrupted Cole and Tazz, who began gawking over Wicked Barbie of the West. They cut to commercial.

[commercial break]

-They showed Sable sitting at ringside reading Playboy with Torrie on the cover.

2 -- TORRIE WILSON & BRIAN KENDRICK vs. JAMIE NOBLE & NIDIA

When Torrie came out, Sable stood and applauded her. Torrie looked confused. Well, more confused than usual. As he ran to the ring, Kendrick acted like an out-of-touch adult would perceive a twentysomething would act in a mosh pit. Kendrick and Noble fought for the first 3:45, then Torrie got a hoot-tag and chopped away at Nidia. Noble yanked Torrie out of the ring during her pin attempt on Nidia. Nidia then shoved Kendrick off the top rope as he was about to dive onto Noble at ringside. In the ring, Noble held Torrie was Nidia dove off the top rope. Torrie, of course, moved so Nidia landed on Noble. Torrie then DDT'd Nidia for the pin.

WINNERS: Torrie & Kendrick at 5:28.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Honest effort with solid results.

-Chris Benoit told Brock backstage he's looking forward to facing him at Backlash. Rhyno entered and said he'd be facing Brock, not Benoit. Brock told them to go out there and "kick the livin' hell out of each other."

[commercial break]

-A clip aired of Roddy Piper interfering in Hogan vs. Vince at WrestleMania XIX last month.

3 -- CHRIS BENOIT vs. RHYNO - #1 Contender Tourney Match

Cole asked a good question at the start to add context to the match, which is whether Tazz thought either wrestler would go after the other's neck considering each had suffered major neck injuries over the past couple of years. Rhyno dominated early offense, then Benoit did. They both traded chinlocks for a minute. Rhyno applied a leg scissors at 5:00. He signalled for the Gore at 6:00, but Benoit side-stepped him. He followed with chops. Rhyno fought back with a shoulder tackle in the corner. He followed with a spinebuster for a two count. Benoit took Rhyno down a moment later and came off the top rope and nailed his headbutt. I still can't believe WWE management doesn't outlaw that move considering its impact on Benoit's long-term capacity to be a wrestler for them. Benoit went for the Crossface, but Rhyno reached the bottom rope to force a break. Benoit went for another Crossface, but Rhyno blocked it. Benoit reversed into a backslide for a quick pin. Tazz said that showed Benoit "can win any way."

WINNER: Benoit at 9:15.

STAR RATING: **3/4 -- Really good nine minute TV match. The opening minutes weren't spectacular, but built nicely. The finish was well done.

-Sable entered Torrie's shower room and congratulated her on her win. She also said she hears her Playboy is selling almost as well as hers. Sable took Torrie towel and forced her to come out of the shower to naked to get it, playing up the lesbian angle (which Sable refused to partake in during her previous stint in WWE).

-They began setting up in the ring for Piper's Pit when Vince McMahon walked out. Cole wondered what he was doing out there.

[commercial break]

-A clip aired of Roddy Piper hitting Jimmy Snuka with a coconut.

-Back in the ring Vince McMahon said he has a big smile on his face because it was just a week ago that he permanently terminated Hulkamania. He talked about Hogan wilting away at home. He said he'd put a bucket underneath his wheel chair to collect his bodily waste. He said he decided to pull out another one of his creations from the closet shelf. He introduced Roddy Piper. WWE really has become a living, breathing Ted DiBiase skit where Vince proves time after time that "everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man." Sable and Piper are the two most recent examples. Bret Hart will be added to the list some day. Piper began with a penis reference. Gee, imagine that! He said Vince McMahon has short fingers and laughed.

Piper yelled in Vince's face that nobody created Roddy Piper but himself. Vince told him to chill. Vince made fun of Piper's gut and asked, "Is this Piper's Pit or Piper's Paunch." He added: "The last time I saw a gut like that it was a pregnant Mae Young." Vince asked Piper to join the "Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club." Piper said he wouldn't because he has children. Vince said the last time he saw his lips in action they were sucking on a bratwurst. Tazz laughed. Piper then took over the mic and mocked Vince for going "belly up" as a rock and roll promoter early in his life, then brought up the demise of the World Bodybuilding Federation and having a wig and padded shoulders. He followed up with an XFL comment. "So basically the only job you've been able to hold is the one you're daddy gave you," he said. Vince wasn't laughing anymore. Piper said: "Junior! You don't frighten me."

Vince asked Piper to stand up. Piper did. Vince said they have one thing in common, and that is their dislike of Hogan. Piper said that is true. He looked at the camera and said to Hogan that without Vince, he'd have been nothing. He said Vince kept cutting his interviews every time he talked about Hogan's bald head. He said he hates Hogan, but then told Vince to take his hand off his shoulder because he hates him, too. (Get it... That whole sequence was meant for Piper to "shoot" about several things such as the XFL to prove that Vince would let him say anything, and then spend that "shoot credibility" by saying Hogan would have been nothing without Vince, something Vince would like to be reflected in the official WWE history books.) Piper then shook hands with Vince about their bond of sharing hatred for Hogan. As Vince left the ring with a smile on his face, Piper wiped away Vince's smile by pointing out that at WrestleMania this year, Vince managed to do something he never could - and that is get pinned by Hulk Hogan one-two-three.

Rikishi's music then started and he walked out with a coconut in his hand. Piper seemed nervous and said, "He's not scheduled." Rikishi entered the ring and said he's never forgotten what he did to "the brother, Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka." He said he's been waiting a long time, at which point Piper interrupted and said he has respect for him, but... Then Sean O'Haire blindsided Rikishi with a clothesline and a chairshot. Piper followed with a shot to Rikishi's forehead with a coconut. O'Haire walked to the back with the stride of an NBA player who just slam dunked a ball on one end of blocked a slam dunk on the other. Hey, at least in the end the segment did something to build toward a potential house show match-up between Rikishi and O'Haire.

-"Out wealth of culture should not intimidate you," said the new French tag team in the Les Nouvelles Mondiales segment. Those two are going to get killed when they go on the road.

-Cole said Angle undergoes surgery Friday for injuries sustained against Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania.

3 -- TEAM ANGLE vs. REY MYSTERIO & TAJIRI

Charlie Haas dedicated the match to their captain, Kurt Angle. Haas demanded the crowd bow their heads in a moment of silent prayer as a show of respect. Benjamin got cheap heat by ripping on the Cubs. Gee, that resonated with 97 percent of the TV audience who didn't pay attention to what city Smackdown was taking place in. Save that local stuff for house shows. Rey got in some flashy offense before Team Angle took over. Rey hot-tagged out to Tajiri. Four-way action broke out a minute later. Rey hit the 619 at 4:30 and he followed with a springboard legdrop for an upset pin.

WINNERS: Rey & Tajiri at 4:47.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Very good five minute tag match capped with a great upset finish. Nice to give Rey and Tajiri some juice as a team. I hope they keep them together because if they go on the road with this match with the belts on the line, I could see crowds really getting into the match.

-Josh Matthews said he expects to be respected backstage. "I have more shower time than he has ring time," he said. If Taker takes long showers, that's really not saying much.

[commercial break]

-They showed the outside of All-State Arena, which with its facelift looks like a tacky old Vegas casino or convention center from the '70s.

4 -- NATHAN JONES vs. BILL DEMOTT

Demott looks like he swallowed a big turkey whole. Jones threw Demott out of the ring, then hit him with a boot when he re-entered the ring.

WINNER: Jones at 1:21.

STAR RATING: 1/4* -- Jones was protected from doing much other than once again lifting his boot and having somebody run into it. What did Demott do to end up in the dog house? The career-killer is being a guest trainer on Tough Enough.

-Nunzio, Palumbo, and Stamboli filed a report with someone backstage about having some of their belongings stolen. They were obviously making up the accusations as they went along.

[commercial break]

-Jones was informed that accusations were made against him for stealing. Taker intervened and said Jones had already paid his debt to society. Jones left with them and seemed frustrated.

-The first glimpse of Cena on the entire show was of him walking backstage toward the entrance for his match against Taker.

[commercial break]

5 -- UNDERTAKER vs. JOHN CENA

Cena rapped on his way to the ring. He said he'd leave Undertaker like Michael Jordan left Chicago, "stripped of your pride." Once again, if you're trying to be a heel, I don't know why ripping into Chicago on national TV is supposed to get everyone outside of Chicago upset. But anyway... Cole said Taker postponed scheduled elbow surgery because this tournament meant so much to him. Taker dominated early. They cut to a commercial at 3:00.

[commercial break]

Taker continued to beat on Cena with deliberate elbows followed by a legdrop as Cena's head stuck out over the edge of the ring apron. He nailed Cena with a clothesline in the corner. Cena fought back a foreign object. Cena rammed Taker into the ringside barrier, then ran into the ring and urged the ref to begin his ten count, desperately hoping for a fluke countout win to advance to the finals. Cena stomped on Taker's fingers on the ringside stairs. Back in the ring Taker fought back and walked the top rope and came off with a forearm. He set up a Last Ride, but Cena reversed it and dropped down with a jarring move on Taker's arm. Cena pounded away on Taker's injured left arm and then applied an armbar. Taker screamed in pain, but fought back with a punch to escape. Taker was too groggy to follow up, so Cena remained on offense. Taker, though surprised Cena with a snake eyes and a big boot. He charged Cena in the corner, but Cena yanked the ref into the path. Cena whipped Taker into the ropes and hit a spinebuster. Cena set up a Death Valley Driver, but Taker escaped and gave Cena a Last Ride. As he went for the pin, Nunzio, Palumbo, and Stambolli attacked Taker, nailing him with a chair. Cole pointed out that Jones had been taken out of the building for questioning. Cena crawled onto Taker and the groggy ref made a three count.

WINNER: Cena in 15:00.

STAR RATING: **3/4 -- Very good TV match. It told a nice story. Taker has really made efforts to improve his style lately within his physical abilities and it's working. It was a "smart" match with a finish that didn't seem like a screwjob because it fit with a story that was told throughout the show leading up to the match. It's also the only viable way they could have given Cena a win over Taker at this point in their pushes because it's not as if they are ready to give Cena a clean win even though they are banking on him to be a headliner against Brock Lesnar soon.



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