Alphabet Soup - Raw 4/30
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A - AWWW YEEAAAHHHH I’m back! Noun! Hide your semi-attractive daughters going through their “goth” phase, mothers with low self-esteem, and male friends who really like “Top Gun” and/or anything by Judd Apatow, ‘cause it’s about to be like 8th grade camp in this place! ...I just had to start my comeback with something weird, didn’t I? Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’m...I’m sorry. Let’s move on.

B – Brock Lesnar is the star of Raw now apparently. Ugh...it’s always the character you least want to spend time with that gets the spin-off. Have fun, Brock Tribbiani. I hope this isn’t like the “Archie’s Place” episodes of “All In The Family." What a freaking bummer those were: “Hah, nice racist joke, Archie. Hey, isn’t your wife dead?” “Oh...yeah...” Still better than the Cleveland Show. Pop culture!

C – Come on. Can we get a vocoder out there for Lesnar? The only way he’d sound manly is speaking through yet another Sting bass riff about stalking people. He sounds like Ashton Kutcher with turf toe. Somebody give him a book of matches and find J.R.: the quicker Lesnar starts talking with a voice thingy like Kane used to, the better. Brock Lesnar has a major case of Mike Tyson syndrome, minus the hilariously charming antics like pushing people down stairs or impregnating female prison guards. Ohhhh Tyson...by the way, did anyone else crack up when Triple H was talking to Brock like he’s two punches away from understanding Khali? That was beyond condescending. He did everything but give him a shiny thing to hold his attention. ”Brock like penny! Penny smell like Brock fingernail! Brock happy!”

D – Dumb. Slow start to the show. I like how they advertised this concept all week and immediately killed it to start the show. Talk about pulling the rug out from something. Apparently, Triple H dressed like a formal blueberry talking down to Hulk Lesnar equals big early ratings. By the way, I’m pretty sure the whole ripping up the contract thing only works in movies. I'm pretty sure it’s still a legally binding agreement. It felt like a scene from “Agent Cody Banks 3: I’m Still Alive." Overall, though, the opening segment was effective in yet again establishing Lesnar as an absolute force. It also did a spectacular job of putting Lesnar on the outside. He’s so heel he’s not even allied with the other heels. Total super-villain pulling rank stuff here. It would’ve been better if he hit Laurinaitis, too, but I’ll take it. Now let’s all form a non-denominational (unless you’re also a Jedi) prayer circle and hope our deity(ies) of choice steer Brock away from a Triple H feud. I would like to go a year without his giant nose putting itself into anything that seems like it could make money. He has Lassie-like abilities to seek out any character drawing money and/or people and insert himself in there as fast as possible. Quick, someone jump down a well inside a burning barn that’s being molested by the neighbor!

E – Eh. I always feel bad for the cannon fodder in the “Beat The Clock Challenge” matches. It’s like, not only do they think you’re 100 percent going to lose, but they’re playing a game of chance with the likelihood you’ll last more than four minutes. I mean, yeah, either guy could win, but it’s pretty obvious who is the winner and cannon fodder in each contest. Hmm...Miz? or Santino? Actually, bad example.

F - Fact: WWE Raw and Smackdown can be seen in more homes in China than here in the United States. What they didn’t tell you: Is it even a fact anymore if everyone on the planet is pretty sure they already knew that? Just even a cursory knowledge of China will tell you they have way more citizens and therefore, probably way more TVs. That’s like a graphic saying “Fact: Stairs go up...AND down.” Please don’t stop with these, though, WWE. Feed me more!

G - Grade C+. It was hard to immerse myself in the show when the overall narrative was tangentially related at best. It was more like a sketch show than a complete episode of a episodic program. “Beat The Clock” always stifles creativity (or the other way around. If you’re out of ideas, these work great!) and ruins the best shows. It was better than telling foreign people that Target is a gun store, but not as good as playing Dance Dance Revolution. It’s like doing a rain dance backward to the beat of a two-year-old playing with pots and pans.

H - Holy wow. Look, I know everyone makes the same joke about Diva matches. “Ooh! It was over before [insert menial task here that actually takes sort of long but whatever], heh heh!" but seriously, though, random Bella #86,578 vs. Layla was so short it didn’t even show up on my screen when I fast-forwarded through the commercial. I saw random Bella #45,611 (my theory is they’re all different clones, sort of like Sin Cara) from Extreme Rules and Layla walking behind the curtain. That fast. It was faster than fast-forward. Congratulations, your chosen profession is admired slightly more than “Guy holding pizza sign.” I do want to add, though, that I adore Layla. Good champ.

I – I feel like Jimmy Crackcorn during this match, because I have a silly name. And, I don’t care...but that’s secondary. I feel like I was named by Stan Lee. Matt Murdock, Reed Richards, Steven Strange, and I (Charles Cress) are going to the malt shop! Anywho, wrestling. Wrestling. Oh yeah, so Big Show-Chris Jericho, while expertly acted out and planned out pretty damn well, just bored me. It’s not really either of them, it’s just the clock. The fact that you know no matter what, the match won’t end until probably the last minute and it’s going to be the guy you think it will win just turns me off. It’s the match type that probably least lends itself to excitement despite the obvious insistence on it being “exciting." It’s like a two-out-of-three falls match: there will be a third fall.

J – Just checking. The referee realizes it took him 35 seconds to count to ten, right? Each number literally takes a second to say. And, it's not even an even amount of time for each number. Never let this guy play in your jazz ensemble. (Is that even a joke? I'm not sure anymore.) The finish was a pretty nice little twist, but it was way too cute for its own good. I like how they just ignored it after the commercial break. That’s one attribute WWE might want to borrow from TNA occasionally: the complete disregard for continuity when it doesn’t meet your needs. Continuity can be amazing and annoying, use it to your advantage. For instance, how many "owners" has TNA had? Eight?

K – Kind of amazing. Brodus Clay is truly a being to behold. Even though JTG sort of messed it up, Clay still looked awesome as usual. Gotta admit, I’m a Clay supporter. I’m writing this while looking at a Funkasaurus t-shirt hanging in my closet, so I’m pulling for the guy, lest my shirt be outdated (oh no!). I think it’s going well, though. I’m pleasantly surprised with the duration his matches have lasted lately. The key to getting Brodus to stick with the fans is give him a weakness. Strength is in vulnerability...which I’m pretty sure I read on a magnet or bumper sticker. Probably a poster now that I think about it. Surely one of those ones with some animal eating a stick or something against a black background. Anywho...Brodus. Cool guy.

L – Looks bored. Randy Orton looks like he has absolutely no interest in wrestling anymore. Like he’s ascended to some astral plane so high now that rolling around the ring seems pathetic to him. I mean, has anyone looked more like he was making a grocery list in his head during a match than Randy Orton? You can just see him in a headlock going “Cheese...need Kraft singles. I like that cow from the commercial...funny stuff...ooo, did I DVR ‘Pawn Stars?’ God, I hope so...what’s the difference between college rule and regular lined paper? A degree? ...Mental note: writer joke book. That college rule thing was hilarious...they should make a portable microwave...popcorn...Pop. Corn. Poppp corrrnnnn...funny word...how did the guy who invented it figure it out...did he just start randomly burning corn like a psychopath and seen it pop? ...Mental note: RKO Orville Redenbacher...dead or alive...” That was literally the most fun I’ve ever had writing this column, by the way.

M – Mucho Rosa! This is one part of the column my mom can read. See, mom?! I do like girls! Gosh...anyway, how about Rosa? Very nice...that’s all I got. I don’t know, boobs or something. Pretend I just rattled off a description of her somewhere between the Spike TV voice-over guy who always sounds like he’s about to win $5 on a scratch-off ticket and Jerry Springer’s “Final Thoughts."

N – Not that it matters, but apparently the Bella Twins have been fired...huh. Now back to wrestling! That was basically Cole’s reaction. Brilliant. Cole just buried them like all those diary pages addressed to his self-esteem in his closet. It’s okay, Cole. Want to hug it out?

O – Oh my. Kofi and Truth are tag champs! How mad is Evan Bourne? Kofi essentially replaced him with the only guy that does more drugs than he does...or at least I hope his character does drugs. Anybody else pulling for Truth/Kofi/Little Jimmy to defend the belts under Freebird Rules? I, for one, am sad the Colons lost, actually. They are a splendid team and I think they’re just really hitting their peak. I support this, though if it leads to more proliferation of the tag division and a feud with Darren Young and Titus O’Neil. Still, I would have preferred The Usos here to Kofi/Truth. Those kids work really hard.

P – Please don’t replace Rosa with Abraham Washington. Not an equal exchange. I can’t sound manly talking about Abraham’s...shiny head? Wait...that’s nasty.

Q - Quotes.

Triple H: "The name of this show always has and always will be Monday Night Raw...period.” ...is War, Supershow?

Cole (in reference to Clay’s headbutt): “I like to call that ‘The Rhino Headbutt.'" King: “Were rhinos around back then?” NO! ...ehmm...sorry. Really, though?

R - Really missed making fun of Khali’s stomach. It’s hypnotically disgusting, like a dryer filled with mayonnaise and hobo spit. His stomach looks like the bottom of a cream-filled donut. It’s like he’s about to give birth to family of small, winged mice. And, speaking of weird-looking things, I have to mention Brock's nipples here. They are tiny. I'd hate to be breastfed by him. Like sucking cheese through a hypodermic needle...how have I not won a writing award again? Speaking of which, time for Khali’s inner monologue! (In case you’re new to this bit, I have a theory that Khali has no idea where he is or what’s going on, so he writes an almost virtual “Origin of Species” like diary in his head documenting this weird society.) Khali's inner monologue: "Time for dancing is done. This blacksmith seems angry. Did I not pay for those horseshoes? Why does he appear to have eaten candles? ...I want to go home.”

S - So, Daniel Bryan gets Lawler?! How is that fair?! They might as well have let him wrestle A.J.’s stuffed animals. Talk about stacking the deck. I like this move, though. Bryan winning takes him far away from Sheamus, ensures he’ll be on Raw for at least the next few weeks (Bryan is too hot of an act to have his exploits play out on Smackdown), and, most importantly, puts Bryan over. WWE is saying a lot having Bryan wrestle for the World Heavyweight Championship and the WWE Championship within weeks of each other.

T - Too bad I won’t be able to see his match with Punk through every smart mark’s collective body fluid. Don’t tempt them, WWE. Hand lotion is a commodity, dammit! We’re going to be at "Sarah Palin wearing a tank-top" levels of lotion consumption! Our country can’t support this! I’m not an octopus! I’m jussstt a maaannnnn...Still, though, through my admitted jaded front and snarky commentary, I am also pretty excited that WWE has seemingly delivered what hardcore fans want. You can only assume that Vince was REALLY drunk we he decided on this. Drunk enough that he probably thought Daniel Bryan was Edge with short hair and C.M. Punk was Jon Hamm. It’ll be an interesting thought experiment, either way. Gotta love WWE taking a chance on this and giving the WWE Universe a chance to show proof of concept. I can just imagine Vince going "Is this what you want, ROH fans?! Huh?! This PPV better outsell WrestleMania, whiney bitches..."

U - Ugh. Even though since the last time I wrote Alphabet Soup I became a John Cena fan sort of, it doesn’t excuse him doing his terrible “Look at me! I’m doing a bad impression of The Rock doing an impression of Roddy Piper” routine. I like Cena’s current arc, though, even if they’re doing nothing whatsoever to change his character in the wake of any defeats or triumphs. The problem with John Cena’s character is that he’s like the broad (do people still say that? You know what, I’m bringing it back) from “50 First Dates”: Every time his character goes through a real, visceral change, forcing him to confront the clouds hanging above his head and the lingering questions surrounding his self-made glass house of superiority, he wakes up the next day having forgot everything until just before his last match. It’s almost a fate worse than waking up every day and discovering Adam Sandler likes you. He never reconciles the past and moves on or falls into, his shortcomings. He’s eternally the same. Aggressively so, almost. To enjoy John Cena is to realize he’ll always be the same dork who wears bright shirts and screams platitudes about never giving up and something or another forever. Once you get past that, it’s not so bad. I guess, in a nutshell, I’m saying: Don’t expect anything magical from him. Dig into guys like Cody Rhodes, C.M. Punk, or Jericho if you want to see metaphoric changes in attitude from match to match. Watch Cena when your head needs a break.

V - Very dumb. Cena and Laurinaitis feuding makes no damn sense. They’ve maybe had an issue with each other for like two weeks? Do they even have beef? I feel like Laurinaitis is just lashing out in misplaced anger like a three-year-old because Triple H told him to shut up. Someone get the guy a stressball. Not sure what the story is here, but I guess that’s what next week is for. The only good thing I can take from this is seeing Lord Tensai’s fat head again. Like a 10-piece KFC bucket, that guy’s head.

W - Well, that’s Raw. I got nothing left. It’s 4:00 a.m. as of this writing and I’m pretty sure the neighbor has been watching me. Need to put pants on...

X - Xylophone.

Y - You know you watch too much Raw when: You wonder if Teddy Long gets aroused from being yelled at by women. He is smiling way too much. For God’s sake, Eve, don’t bend over to pick up that paper. The carpet is new!

Z – Zero: The number of Wookies who should be living on Endor...and more importantly, the number of Sheamuses who should be tending to Triple H. That does not make sense! The percentage of glasses that make people smart. Sorry, Eve. I’m pretty sure they were more protective goggles than corrective eyewear anyway... And, finally, the number of columns I’ve written the last month or so. It’s good to be back, guys. I missed you. I also missed wearing a Snuggie, but that’s completely unrelated and for a later time. Mostly, though, I missed the irrational hate mail. Do that again.

***

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com (I almost always respond, even if you insult me!) or tweet/follow me at @CharlesCress. You can also read more from me on my blog The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]

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