Alphabet Soup - TNA Impact Wrestling 9/15
By Charles Cress, PWTorch specialist

A – Again. Starting a wrestling show in 2011 with Ric Flair is always a great idea. It’s not like an article recently came out about him on a prominent website detailing his health and financial issues. He’s perfectly fine to push and put into the wrestling ring.

B – Bad. Flair and Sting looked like fashion models for the Ultimate Warrior's couture line. There was more fur in that ring than a tag team Knockouts match...and more make-up. They had more sequins than a Barbie doll’s dress. I imagine Bedazzler sales in Florida just went up 200 percent - from 0 to 2. TNA’s poor seamstress must have thought she was making clothes for their daughters. “What size is she?” “A men’s large.” “Uh...”

C – Certainly you can think of something else...right? Right?! Reason number 67 TNA should script their promos: Flair’s near-constant threats to bite people’s fingers off.

D – Dude, Mexican America look like B-Movie villains. I could so see Sarita chasing some people through the woods with that creepy mask.

E – Either that or she was cold. Tessmacher wearing a t-shirt?! Is it possible she’s gained some class and self-respect? Oh wait...that’s her t-shirt being ripped off. That didn’t last long. It’s okay, because for 30 seconds, I respected her. And that’s more than I can say about most Knockouts.

F – Freaking lame. Nice blue socks, Hernandez. Nothing says intimidation like looking like that weird kid in high school who ate lunch by himself because he refused to stop wearing jorts and tall socks every day. Also, why would the ref count both Sarita and Rosita down? Only one is legal...ugh.

G - Grade C-. So much went right in this show (see: everything that didn’t involve senior citizen wrestlers) but so much went wrong (see: senior citizen wrestlers). TNA is starting to show promise, but they can’t seem to let go of the past, metaphorically and literal. It was better than banging your head on a low entrance way, but not as good as going to the Dollar Store with a twenty dollar bill. You feel like an oil tycoon. “I’ll take three containers of Cheese Balls.” “B-b-but those are $1 a piece?!” “It means nothing to me! I demand three! And that cardboard looking jerky!”

H - Hey, it’s Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction! Glad that whole adrenaline shot thing worked out. Don’t give her a foot message, though, or you’ll end up like Tony Rockahara. You know he got thrown through glass? Messed with the way he talks...but I digress, nice Karen Jarrett segment. Don’t be too mean to Mrs. Wallace, though, you know what happened to Zed. I wonder if Bully Ray ever takes her out dancing - I want to see him do the twist. And thus concludes the Tarantino portion of this column. Still waiting to use a Mr. Orange reference somewhere.

I – I’m in love. Karen Jarrett is so entertaining. I mean, the last thing TNA needs are more heels keeping faces down, but she’s funny so I’m on board. I don’t get all the hate for her. Yeah, she used to be a bad actress. But, being a stuck-up, mean girl seems to be her niche. She plays it perfect. The “Queen’s Qualifiers” should be fun. At least it gives the Knockouts a reason to exist.

J – Just a little too much. Christopher Daniels is overplaying this story. I get it, he’s cocky now, but it’s over the top. The classic rule of thumb in literature is “show, not tell.” Don’t make it so obvious. Let viewers read between the lines. It’s not too ridiculous, but it’s riding the line. Scale it back. By the way, I’m not the least bit surprised Bobby Roode’s kids play hockey and lacrosse. That just feels so Canadian. I’m pretty sure lacrosse is an American sport, but it feels Canadian, like pancakes.

K – Kid...try again. I don’t know what made me laugh out loud harder: Kurt Angle’s insanely stupid Ed Hardy style shirt or the fact he tucked it in. Just epic. That’s like wearing dress pants and Jordan sneakers. He looked like a grandpa trying to be cool...which he almost is. Half of TNA’s roster are grandpas.

L - Loved the segment with Fortune. At first, I thought it was going to be a lame celebration thing, a la WWE, but they wisely used it to position Roode as the ultimate underdog and make him sympathetic. Smart. However, the whole part with Angle was laughably bad. I have no idea what he was trying to say. He used at least 40 words that weren’t necessary and cut out most that were. I don’t really know what this whole “Roode faces Fortune” thing is about but, okay, I’ll see where it goes. I hate when wrestlers book matches for other wrestlers. It irks me to no end.

M – Man, I feel like a commercial for car insurance starring professional wrestlers is deliciously good timing. Good thing Hardy and Angle aren’t in them, though they need it the most.

N – Not what I was expecting. Um, wow. Love vs. Sky was decent. Really nice back and forth, good heat, and a nice level of intensity. That what happens when two people who know each other well work together. I enjoyed it 100 percent more than I thought I would. Only the finish soured me. Over-booked as usual. I don’t understand why Velvet wasn’t DQ’d when Angelina was hit by Winter’s title. Apparently it’s only a DQ when the bad guy does it.

O – Oh wow. I appreciate the honesty, but is TNA really going to drag all of Jeff Hardy’s business out here in public? By going over his shortcomings again and again, I think it’s doing more harm than help. Let’s try not to draw attention to the guy who wrestled loaded.

P – Please. Crimson doesn’t have much hair, does he? That close-up of him was way closer than I needed to see. You could clearly see (in HD, anyway) ten or eleven hairs max. Don’t be fooled by his faux-hawk ladies, he’s going to be George Costanza very soon.

Q - Quotes.

Angle (referring to Fortune): “What are you guys, the five musketeers?!” Uh, yeah, I guess so. Why is that an insult?

R – Really. I had a lot of fun with Morgan vs. Joe. They work well together, though I thought Joe should have looked more dominant in victory if they’re going to build him. Maybe feed him to some jobbers first before having this match. Still, it was good for a TV match. Morgan’s triangle was terrible, though. That was more of a trapezoid.

S – Seriously. Roode vs. Kaz was yet ANOTHER good TV match. I really enjoyed the back and forth, and the stream of reversals nicely sold their knowledge of each other. No real criticisms, other than that should have been the main event, because we all know what is coming next. Ugh.

T - Thank you, TNA, for going to commercial during Sting-Flair. Oh merciful God, I appreciate and acknowledge your intelligence and omnipotence. Never again will I doubt your abilities to help me escape from certain doom.

U – Ugh, this match was pathetic. Flair’s offense was pitiful. Did you see how slowly he did his “chain” holds? I put chain in parenthesis because if that was a chain, it couldn’t hold Paris Hilton’s dog back. Any wrestler on the planet – but Flair himself – could easily escape that. Sad. Very sad. At least Sting did okay, at least compared to Flair. Compared to Flair, Sting looked like Generation Me. Seriously. It made Sting look bad for actually selling this offense.

V - They’re trying, I give them credit for that, but no, this wasn’t working for me. And that was a lot of Oxford commas. It was the same song and dance from both guys here: three or four signature moves traded back and forth, figure four, reversal, nut-shot...you know how it goes. It just didn’t do anything for me. I felt like I could have watched that in a high school gym somewhere at one of those awful nostalgia shows.

W - Well, this was a mess. Interference, brass knuckles...ugh. TNA main-events, ladies and gentlemen. This stuff kills me. How about a clean freaking main-event?!

X - Xylophone.

Y – You know you watch too much Impact when: You were surprised Sting vs. Flair lasted that long without interference.

Z – Zero: The number of words other than “iMPACT” that are spelled with reverse-capitalization. I feel like reverse-capitalization is the new “x.” Terrible. The number of fans (confused tourists) that, yet again, will ever come back. And, finally, the percentage of TNA wrestlers wearing boat shoes. What’s that? Boat shoes are classy and very comfortable? Why yes, I did just get a pair. Gosh, you guys always know how to make a girl blush.

As always, you can contact me via email at c_cress08@yahoo.com or tweet/follow me (sample tweet: “Out of context bit from a conversation I had today: ‘Harriet Tubman cannot be an Avenger!’”)" at @CharlesCress. Also, be sure to check out more from me on my blog, The Midnight Snack at themidnightsnack.net. Oh, what’s that? Why yes, my boat shoes do make me look incredible. Thank you for noticing!

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