"I can't control myself because I don't know how,
And they love me for it honestly, I'll be here for a while.
So give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!
Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough
So give them blood, blood, blood
Grab a glass because there's going to be a flood!"
-"Blood" by My Chemical Romance

-The show opens up with Abyss...driving a hummer? He's a cool dude. A cool dude who wears a frumpy black shirt, always look wet, wears a mask, points to his Cracker Jack ring, and shrieks out old Hogan cliches. He's the next World Champion. Uh-huh.

-Here's the Impact opening from two weeks ago: Styles and Flair cutting a promo. Styles tries to pump up the Styles-Abyss PPV match with referencing "The Asylum" era. You know, the era that today's casual fan didn't watch. This is Monday Night. You're hopefully getting a whole lot of viewers who have not seen your product one iota. So TNA feels the best way to appeal to these new viewers is to show them Nasty Boys and Scott Hall. Real good. While Styles is yapping, Flair stands there with a dejected look on his face, wishing he could have a job selling cars.

Flair grabs the mic and because he's bored with life, the Nature Boy starts punching himself in the head, causing his already damn lacerated head from the last Impact taping to start flowing again. Wow. Meanwhile, A.J. Styles looks like he's going to pee his J. Crew suit pants. Double wow.

Viewers aren't quite sure why a wrestler hates another wrestler in TNA, but there's some good red fluid to cover up that weakness. Here comes some guy with face paint to the ring. He growls some lines like a demented Joker and Styles cries for his pacifier. Apparently that weirdo is Jeff Hardy.

-Like a rolling ball of crap, the Team 3D-Nasty Boys keep picking up victims as they gather speed downhill towards hopeful oblivion. Tonight, this ball of crap swallowed...Spike Dudley. Hooray. I sure enjoy watching TNA showcase old WWE mid-carders instead of working on their storylines. "Boy this feud really sucks...but hey, it just got ten times better with Spike Dudley here! And wait, here's are others from Dudleyville!" Maybe I'll get a chance to see Raven again.

-Did TNA forget where they left Samoa Joe?

-Backstage interviewer Christy kept blocking Angelina Love's cleavage with the microphone. Apparently she's a secret spy for USA Network.

-Jeremy Borash is in the back with Pac and Hall. Notice Hall, who apparently wrote "Wolfpac" on a frumpy gym sweater with a black sharpie. Good gravy, this is how TNA is going to "compete" with WWE?

-The Pope is limpin, and he's no longer quite pimpin. You see, he won some PPV doohickey saying that he gets to face the World Heavyweight Champion at some point. We were all jazzed up for Pope vs. Styles. But, before that happened, Abyss barged in and somehow we have to swallow Abyss vs. Styles for the belt on Sunday. Meanwhile, Pope is stuck in a holdover pattern with Desmond Wolfe. (I'm very relieved that TNA didn't forget about Wolfe.)

-Seriously, did Samoa Joe quit TNA or something?

-How Jeff Jarrett was booked as the "special ref" for Beer Money vs. Herny-Morgan is baffling. As far as I can tell, they are just giving JJ random stuff to do. I'm thinking he's going to be a special "time-keeper" for any X Division match on Impact because, as we all know, TNA is mortified about showing any X Divisioner pipsqueak actually wrestling.

-Contradiction time...

What TNA says: We're going to be the #1 wrestling company! We're moving to Monday Nights. We're giving WWE real competition! You should change the channel to our product! We're edgier, younger, and hungrier! Look out!

What TNA does: Has Kevin Nash wrestle Scott Hall.

I mean, it's hard for me to go into a frantic "TNA! TNA! TNA!" chant when I'm watching Nasty Boys and Hall wrestle. I might as well be chanting for a local retirement home. Maybe TNA fans should chant "BINGO!" "TAPIOCA PUDDING!" or "ADULT DIAPERS!" when TNA busts out "hobblewrestling."

While Scott Hall is doing some weird thing with his leg in the ring, Taz takes a shot at Mikey Cole with a "Vintage" quip. Hey TNA, know what WWE is not showing? Nash vs. Hall. The thought "Oh my gosh, they are actually showing this on television" crossed my mind.

Oh well, at least it seemed that Hall enjoyed himself in the ring. That what's matter folks. Not that they are asking you to pay for their PPV match. Hall got to come back and be in the ring with his old friend Kevin Nash. And if you were respectful of that, you ingrateful prick, you would stop complaining about "The Nasty Boys" and "Sean Morley" and "Orlando Jordan" and "Brooke Hogan" and...

It's a tough predicament. After all, Nash and Hall were rating draws at one time. And TNA is somehow convinced their viewers won't stick around for something else, say a credible X Division match or a promo bit that wasn't just cut-and-paste Beer Money Baloney. Oh well. You just saw Nash and Hall give a shameful wrestling match, ladies and gentlemen. This was a preview for the Nash-Young vs. Hall-Waltman PPV match. Order now.

-TNA is right in knowing that viewers don't really care about the Beer Money-Herny/Morgan feud, mainly because TNA themselves have done a piss poor job of building up these guys. So they inserted in Jeff Jarrett because they have a plan in place or because that's the name they drew out of a hat. Whatever. At this point, I'll take JJ going Undertaker crazy on these four guys and wipe them all out.

-Jeff Hardy and A.J. Styles was a nice one. I'm looking forward to the next Impact, where's there is plenty of blood, hobbling, and poor heel turns. As far as the PPV hype goes, it was like TNA tonight was damn near blatantly yelling, "Don't order this PPV! Please don't order! Just wait until Lockdown! Seriously, we didn't even know Destination X was this Sunday! We were fascinated by Hulk Hogan's pythons!" That's the tagline for Destination X: "Wait, it's this Sunday?"

(credit to a.espncdn.com, firetank.com, s4.hubimg.com for pics)

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