By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"They’ve been trying to shoot me since I was two feet
So I am never scared, you can Youtube me
Where I’m from they will pull your card Mister, you ain’t hard mister
I was initiated into manhood at thirteen and it wasn’t a barmitzvah,
I break a bottle on ya like a bad bartender,
Let my star venture out, I got war in me, so let me vent it out"
-"If Rap Gets Jealous" by K'Naan

Poor RVD. After spending some time smoking herbal cigarettes with Hulk Hogan on the radio, he agrees to join TNA. And the very first night he's on...all I can remember is him getting 20 baseball bat shots to the gut by Sting.

Sting wasn't done yet after the show ended. He started to beat up any Van Dam out there. Jean Claude Van Dam? Say hello to Sting's bat, baby. Kevin Van Dam, the #1 Bass Angler in the world? He's slated to get a beat-down by Sting on a future Impact. I can see it now...




The cool Mike Tenay informs us of a breaking development. "I've just received word from backstage that following this Impact will be another classic Spike TV original: 'Bass & Ass!' Viewers get to watch Kevin Van Dam go bass fishing with strippers! And here's KVD at the
Impact Zone! Oh no! Sting just hit him from behind! What could this mean? What does Sting have against bass fishers? What? What's Brooke Hogan doing in the ring? She's kissing Sting! This is crazy! What's going on here?"

Shush, says TNA. We've got it worked out for RVD. Of course he won't get as much air-time as our cash cows. (The holy trinity of Hogan, Bischoff, and Jarrett.)



-In NXT news, that show is all about male relationships. That's the whole focus of the show: relationships. For the first half hour, I felt the NXT product was clicking. I'm hoping that they bring the Miz-Daniel Bryan feud to the big leagues down the road, as I can feel that these guys want to tear each other's heads off. Many feuds consist of wrestlers shouting that they want to kill each other, but you know that they were playing video games before they went out to the ring (Nash vs. The Band, for example).

But what's up with David Otunga pinning the U.S. champion The Miz? I don't necessarily care about the Miz, but I care about the title.

-I loved Michael Cole and Josh Mathews arguing with each other about Carlito spitting apple into some poor rookie's face. Cole: "Hey, Carlito gave him exposure. We're talking about him, aren't we? Carlito did that rookie a favor." We're just used to Cole on Raw, where he pays attention to Lawler half of the time and waits to utter the world "vintage" like some deranged joke he plays on us.

Apparently NXT has a competition...right. Uh folks, it's already over. It's probably a clear-done deal that Daniel Bryan and David Otunga are getting the "official" victories (perhaps Bryan to Smackdown and Otunga to Raw). Now what's left is to figure out which guys can work in WWE. And there is already one who, sadly, seems won't have a chance at all. And that guy is Michael Tarver. Simply put, he's too ugly to be in WWE. All of the WWE guys are pretty fashion models who star in Calvin Klein ads. He wears a "1.9" on his t-shirt because that's how many seconds he would be featured on Raw by himself.

While I'm at it, here's a quick NXT rookies power ranking. Look at this list and ask yourself, "Which NXT rookie can I see working in WWE?" This list is based on their current character and how much the crowd reacts to them, not based on their wrestling ability, backstage connections, or dirt they have on Linda McMahon. Plus some goofy nicknames.

(1) Daniel "Bag Boy" Bryan
(2) David "The Bouncer" Otunga
(3) Wade "Tea & Crumpets" Barrett
(4) Justin "American Idol" Gabriel
(5) Skip "George W. Bush" Sheffield
(6) Darren "Uh..." Young
(7) Heath "I'm A Lady" Slater
(8) Michael "Mucus" Tarver

Why are people watching NXT? Certainly wins and losses have no bearing. Daniel Bryan hasn't won a match but he's the "rookie" who gets the most WWE love. There are no titles, no over-arching storylines, no feuds between wrestlers (just feuds between "Pros" and "Rookies"), and so forth. So what is NXT?

If you think about it, NXT is "WWE boot camp." The main focus of the show is "character interaction" via matches, promos, and backstage skits. NXT can be a way to "train" these FCW to work in the WWE environment. WWE is looking for performers, and NXT can be seen as a
way to see which FCW can fit into the WWE product.

Would you want another "Eric Escobar" program on Smackdown? NXT is a way to introduce these guys into the fold and see which characters click ... and see which ones don't. I assume that the "season" will last only about three months until they get a new batch of FCW guys.

-Is it just me, or does World Hvt. champion Chris Jericho being on NXT sully things? It seems that Jericho's heel character would view being on NXT as "beneath him," but apparently Jericho is all too happy to be on the first flight out to the show.

-Catch y'all on Smackdown, where Edge teases that he will land another spear on Jericho, or what's commonly known as the "wussy Canadian love tackle."

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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