By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Abyss, knowing that he needs to update his costume, wears a black mumu to the ring.

According to a fan sign in the crowd, Raw stands for "Really Awful Wrestling." They've probably missed the last Impacts. Meanwhile, Tenay continues to harp that "Styles has changed for the worse," but oddly enough, I don't believe him. It would be nice if Styles could get away from Ric Flair's shadow and truly hammer home his heel persona.

It's Abyss and Hogan vs. Flair and Wannabe Flair. Not much of anything is happening until the lights go out and behold, Sting appears. Seems he just signed a deal with Dixie. Surely he'll hit Flair because...well, Sting is a good guy...though we never really establish that fact, we just assumed that fans would assume that Sting would be a good guy coming back...oh no, Sting hit Hogan! This is so shocking!

Taz fakes shock that Sting would "hit Hogan and Abyss." Not such a stretch. Fans know that Sting hates Hogan from the old WCW days. Hell, TNA at one point had Sting up in the rafters looking ominously at Hogan. Plus, I wouldn't consider Sting whacking Hogan and Abyss as "joining Team Flair." Ugh.

It's been 20 minutes into the show, and there has been five wrestlers and one Dixie. Oh wait, here's Brooke Hogan. Nice to see her get some airtime. She deserves it way more than some stupid wrestlers sacrificing their bodies and all of that nonsense.

By the way, where the hell is Samoa Joe?

Three X Division chumps are in the ring. They all want to "bring back the X Division." I'm watching a bunch of deluded losers. Suddenly, Bischoff (with a vibrant blue shirt! Ha!) appears and his mug swallows up my TV screen. The Voice of God pumps up the X Division (I had flashbacks to WCW's cruiserweight division for a second there), saying that he wants "to make it bigger, faster, and stronger."

So basically, Bischoff is going to inject steroids into the X Division.

Whoops, my bad. I meant Bischy going to inject Rob Terry into those pipsqueaks.

A rowdy TNA crowd sure loves a throwback X Division match. The Wrestler Formerly Known As Suicide didn't get the Macy's belt. Odd, considering TNA has been showing that they love him more than big-time chump X Divisioner Champ Doug Williams, although I sure do love William's "Chaos Theory Suplex."

Shiny Pants Shannon Moore runs in and beats up Doug Williams. Bischy says that it's Moore vs. Doug Williams at the PPV. Barf. I can imagine a TNA PPV down the road: "We've got Jimmy Wang Yang now! And he's in a championship PPV match! Check him out!"

Nice to see Angelina Love dressing up like a freak alongside Tara. A bunch of ladies are fighting for the mysterious Knockout tag team belts. The match was a bit of a mess, but kudos for the "backstage interview" follow-up with the Beautiful People.

RVD sure looked good when he did his flying kick. Of course, Sting beating the hell out of RVD is questionable, but I felt Sting really needed to hammer home the point that he's heel. So Sting took up the entire one-hour show mark to beat up RVD, refs, and even Hulk Hogan at one point. Who know he could just stall Impact entirely with a baseball bat.

Kevin Nash a.k.a. "The Big Comedown" is here with Eric Young. They both spew some nonsense about The Band. Why have a match guys? You're not convincing anyone that you want to fight each other. Hell, I would rather see you guys drink beer and play video games. Bischy comes in again and orders a Young-Syxx match. Kudos to Bischy and TNA having a "live, anything can happen" feel to the show, but no beer-videogames match for Nash-Young and The Band. Sigh.

TNA is sure going after the "talk show" crowd. Their product was full of swears, many of the wrestlers comebacks were cliches ("Well I think you're a prick!"), and TNA has a "Yes Blood" policy. To properly enjoy TNA, you have to be very gullible, quick to anger, become aroused when you see blood, and be easily impressed by inclusion of ex-WWE stars. Although, by contrast, to properly enjoy WWE, you have to be five-years-old.

Ric Flair and Hogan just love getting busted open. It's a bit ridiculous by now. Sure, blood gets ratings and showcases an "edgier" product, but I'm expecting Jeremy Borash next week to wear the crimson mask while jabbering with The Pope.

They had a very unique visual of military soldiers surrounding Kurt Angle. I laughed big time when Mr. Anderson called those same soldiers "high school dropouts!" Angle-Anderson is a hacked-up patriotic angle, but it's harmless fun. And if you think about it, Angle-Anderson is so far the most credible angle TNA has going into the Destination X PPV, which they suddenly remembered they had.

I mean, they have Abyss vs. A.J. Styles for the World Heavyweight Belt. You're kidding me, right? Big doofus Abyss as World champion? Righhhhhhht.

Both Bubba and Brooke Hogan talk about how they are worried for Hogan getting in the ring. I know that Brooke was auditioning for "24" or "The Big Bang Theory" in her tearful acting, but why is Bubba still there? He might as well wear a "Hogan Crony" sign around his neck. Can we get rid of the Hogan Cronies already?

I like to give an Academy Award to Jeff Jarrett, Beer Money, and Mick Foley for their really random and absurd match they were involved in. So Beer Money are heel now? Oh-kay.

No skits of Foley learning how to properly eat soup like last week. Why wasn't that on this show? Maybe it's the reason that viewers would change the channel when seeing that nonsense? Fancy that.

The show ends with everybody getting busted open and Jeff Hardy making an appearance on Impact before he pleads the fifth. Take two for the Hogan-Bischoff regime begins now.

I loved Brooke Hogan's Hollywood audition. She's gonna be a star. Oh yeah, maybe the X Division will come back or something. Who the hell cares? It's all about Brooke's career!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

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