By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

This baby's going to be a quick one, folks, as I ate some of Hornswoggle's Lucky Charms and now I've got food poisoning and severe hallucinations. The phrase "that guest host segment made me want to hammer nails into my eyes" has become redundant, but man, those Cheech & Chong WWE kidz comedy skits? Awful. Them WWE writers sure are proud of how dumb those guest host skits can get. Like it's a badge of honor.

WWE doing weed jokes? It's over. Time to move on to other stuff to make Linda McMahon happy.




-Man, I felt I was on a sugar high when Trips came out to encourage his friend HBK. Then I crashed and burned when the outcome of all of this was only to pump up WWE's favorite new toy ShoMiz (they just can't get enough) and set up Trips and HBK's respective feuds.

-Does a Legacy WrestleMania match need to happen? They're not giving Ted DiBiase much and I'm smelling an Orton beat down on these two chumps at WrestleMania.

-Yoshi Tatsu: I'm in a dumb guest host skit. Ugh. You?
Zack Ryder: I'm losing in thirty seconds to MVP on my Raw debut.
Fail.

Though, to be fair, the Raw audience has no idea who Ryder is. But still, it still confuses fans in the absurdity of building these guys up, putting them under a bigger spotlight, and portrays them as massive weaklings.

-Nice love for Jack Swagger in his squashing of Santino. About Charlie Haas's quotes about WWE not trusting "Kurt Angle-type guys," there is some validity to that. I also agree that Shelton Benjamin could have been world champion...in 2005. Back during that infamous victory over Triple H and his stock was up. But for some reason Shelton never quite got over that hump.

-WWE busted out the big bucks to get Johnny Cash's "Ain't No Grave" for an HBK-Taker montage. Much love for getting Placebo for that other HBK-Taker montage as well. You see, around WrestleMania time, WWE spends more dough and it pays off. They still can't get AC/DC to play on the PPV, though.

-This Raw had nothing but dumb matches and loads of talking. So how was this show better than last week's Impact? Simple: WWE has the talent and the storylines to execute these long talking bits. Case in point: Batista and Cena giving a hell of a promo, bringing in storyline depth and "movie star"-like delivery (and facial expressions). The Batista-Cena storyline is nailing it.

And the Raw ladies are nailing dressing up like smelly pirate hookers. Hooray!

-Why did that McMahon-Bret Hart segment air? Was it really necessary? It sure didn't make Bret look good. McMahon wants to face off against Bret at Mania. Oooh, boy! I sure hope Bret accepts the challenge! Cena would accept that challenge with two broken legs! Bret: "I've got a broken leg, idiot!" Oh. So Bret's a quitter. Great.

I still can't understand the point of the whole bit. The McMahon-Bret feud was doing fine with Bret being out with an injury. Hell, it would have been great if Bret came back and goaded Vince into a match. From this segment we got two things: (1) Vince loves him some Vince and (2) we got a quasi "Bret vs. Vince at Mania is gonna be ugly" apology. They over-thought this thing.

-In TNA news...I take offense to those who say that Hulk Hogan is back to his old tricks of hyping himself in TNA. Hey, Hogan's pushing people! Why, on March 8, you get to see a HOGAN, FLAIR, a pipsqueak choir boy, and an overgrown man-child dude!

The March 8 main event doesn't shock me. TNA is obsessed with getting ratings because they viewer ratings as more visibility. They are content with how many PPV buys they get. And Hogan and Flair are big rating draws, while Styles and Abyss are not by comparison.

But yeah, these guys...they old. Next Monday night, WWE and TNA's main events will feature 60+ year old men who reek of prune juice.

It seems that Cheech and Chong aren't the only ones on a drug trip. They tried to make me go to Raw Guest Host rehab but I said no no no...

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

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