By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Sooner or later that kind of madness turns into pain
And the ones that I made pay
Were never the ones who deserved it
Those who helped me on the way
I smacked them as I thanked them
Yes I know I am going to hell in a leather jacket
At least I'll be in another world
While you'll pissing on my casket"
-"Out Of The Blue" by Julian Casablancas

Impact blasts off with Abyss showing off his Hulk ring to some mysterious X Division wrestlers. You see, the "Hulk ring" has finally given Abyss the confidence he needs. Thus, fans can view him as a "top guy" feuding with the World Heavyweight champion. You know what, TNA? Abyss still resembles the late Chris Farley with his goofy-ass face expressions, Hulk Ring or no Hulk Ring. If you want me to take him seriously, get rid of the mask. He has the ring now, so there's your reason to take off the mask. Maybe even that will stop the over-the-top childlike emotions too.

A.J. Styles comes strutting down the ramp with everyone's favorite crazy old guy, Ric Flair. Styles gives his standard cocky promo. Then, Flair gives his standard nonsensical-doesn't-make-a-lick-of-sense promo. Hilarious.

The Immortal Abyss comes out to some Hogan music. Ric Flair lays into Abyss while I wonder if Flair judges the quality of his promos by how many aspirins he takes afterwards. "THE ABYSS! YOU....YOU ARE A PIECE OF CRAP WALKING GOD'S GREEN EARTH! YOU RETAR...CHALLENGED PERSON! YOU'RE A COWN! COWN! COWN! I SAID CLOWN! SHUT UP! HOGAN! GET! GET! GET! AHHHHH!"

Flair at one point tells The Abyss that "you may have super-human strength, but you're not fit to be in the Hall of Fame." For a moment there, I thought he was talking to the Ultimate Warrior. All I've heard about the Warrior is that he hurt people and believed his own bulls---. Kind of surprising to me that WWE considered him to be put in the Hall of Fame.

Flair's worried that people might view Abyss as a HOF'er. Uh, Ric, have you seen some of the people WWE has put in the Hall of Fame? Wendi Richter?

Hogan comes out to help out his new adopted son. Funny how at the start of this segment, Styles came out as the World champion and by the end became a lost sheep following Flair's lead. I don't recall World champion Triple H disappearing when Flair was his mentor. Although to be positive, I really was laughing my ass off. From Flair's insane ramblings to four guys trying to build a shoddy segment, this was a great comedy bit. Thanks for making me laugh.

-While Brian Knobbs was struggling in the act of crumpling (Knobbs doesn't bump, he collapses) when taking a move, Taz was being telling fans that on March 8 TNA will dominate Monday Nights. Uh, sure. The announcers tried to cover for Knobbs by saying he had a separated shoulder, but the Team 3D vs. Nasty Boys match resembled four drunks colliding with each other over and over again like mountain goats. On Raw, we have Evan Bourne doing a Shooting Star Press and on Impact we have, by goodness, Jerry Saggs standing! Although to be positive, I don't mind the addition of Jimmy Hart and Jesse Neal to the Team 3D-Nasty Boys feud. They can move.

-Mick Foley and Eric Bischoff are in a very important skit about Foley talking about Foley's suit from last week. (Give them credit; I thought they would have dropped this bit.) Bischoff says he's a good guy. Look, Abyss is happy and I'm going to have Jarrett flip burgers. What more do you want? Foley says left his suit back at the hotel. Bischoff says go get it. Foley does. Um, okay. Although to be positive, Foley didn't have a camera crew follow him back to the hotel where masked men kidnapped him. You see? They did good here. Seriously, Joe getting kidnapped can do wonders for Joe's career! These masked men are your friends, Joe! Not Hogan, Bischoff or Russo! Grab a cold one and chill.

-Daffney is crazy. She's also pretty much came out of nowhere. Although to be positive, Tara needed some new blood. Too bad Tara can't be beating up a Bubba look-a-like. I'll pay money to see that.

-It's important to have Matt Morgan and Super Mex talk about their tag team relationship. It's also important to keep viewers interested, something TNA wasn't interested in. Although to be positive, this wasn't the last mind-numbing talking heads segment. They're committed, I give them that.

The nearly-forgotten Beer Money get as much airtime as that Shawn Michaels-Undertaker confrontation on Raw. You see, the Man hates Beer Money. Keeping them down. Sidelining them. So why don't we have a little get together with Morgan-Hernandez and see which tag team feud TNA will care about more: Team 3D vs. Nasty Boys or Beer Money vs. Morgan-Herny. My beer money's on the guys who need stagehands to help them do a clothesline.

-Jeremy Borash is back with Eric Young and Kevin Nash, who are modeling off their great leather jackets. Really top of the line stuff. That soft-touch, top-grade cow leather and quilted polyester liner. I realize that I'm supposed to be talking about Young-Nash vs. Hall-Waltman, but it's hard to care about four largely unlikable guys. Although to be positive, those are really great leather jackets! Maybe Nash can give Young the "Nash Jacket" and thus Young gets super powers! Hell, we can just give random things to wrestlers to explain their rushed, out of the blue big pushes!

-Jarrett's in the back with Bischoff. Suddenly, this Impact has just too many damn pointless soap opera feuds going. Although to be positive, it is fun to hear Jarrett's catchphrase. Bischoff hits the ring to...talk some more. Can one dominate Monday Nights with shoddy wrestling matches and mind-numbing ad nausea talking segments? Anyways, Bischoff-Jarrett in the ring happens just so that they could get a camera shot of Bischoff giving Jarrett a spatula and a hair net in front of the crowd. Although to be positive...well, there's nothing positive here. Let's move on.

-Things are looking up for Kaz right now. By the way, TNA's next PPV is Destination X. You might see and read signs of a mysterious "Ultimate X" PPV, but those are just malicious rumors. Although to be positive, I do believe Kaz will be the X Division champion. Who is the current X Division champion right now? Anybody? If you go to TNA's website they have random people as the X Division champion. Currently right now it's Congressman John Fleming.

-Hogan's adopted son shows off his ring and belts out "SEE-SAW" at a blood-curling volume. That's some hot stuff right there.

-Mr. Anderson, I've been battered with a lot of pointless talking segments. You bet your ass I was considering fast-forwarding through your spiel. I believe in you. You're the reason I watch Impact. You're one of the highlights. You're my hero, my idol, my...goodness, you you just got defeated by Red Flag Rob Terry with a chair shot to the back and a running power slam. When did Mr. Anderson become full of suck...suck?

-Putting aside TNA's hatred of the Vietnamese, seriously, can't TNA get some jobbers? Why do PPV main eventers suddenly have to job to flash-in-the-pans? Christopher Daniels eats it to Sean Morley? Joe does the 1-2-3 to OJ? And now Mr. Anderson loses to TNA's drug policy?

Dude, Danny Bonaduce could take a chair shot to the back and still function. Pay him $5 and you can do it. And a running power slam is a finisher? Maybe back in the day of the late Steve Williams or British Bulldog, but times have changed. Luke Gallows breaking some fool's back with a sick backbreaker. Mike Knox squashing a dude with the Bear Plow. You can get the same effect of this bit (Angle screwing Anderson, Terry being pumped up as champion) by not going this route. Swallowing that Anderson was "unconscious" was a bit hard.

Okay, folks. Its official: TNA needs jobbers. Badly. Before the next PPV main-eventer eats a lost to Eric Bischoff or something. Perhaps they don't have the budget or the connections to get some jobbers in there.

That's why I'm offering my services to TNA, free of charge. I want to become a TNA jobber.

Hey, it's only fair. TNA provides me with countless hours of entertainment. They even get cute and offer PPVs that nobody buys (bless their hearts). I want to see TNA succeed and I also don't want to punch another hole in the wall because Bucktooth Billy has just beaten A.J. Styles. I have no formal training and am well aware that being a TNA jobber would mean that I would no longer be able to take some things for granted, like the ability to swallow food or to walk (and other "liberties" TNA would take out on me once they found out about all of the nice things I've written about them over the years).

Do you want to be a TNA jobber? You won't be paid, you're pretty much guaranteed to be injured, the guy/gal you lose to might become like Rhino, but you'll be directly helping out TNA! Mail a one-page letter and $50 to:

I Want To Be A TNA Jobber!
6000 Universal Boulevard
Orlando, FL 32819

Meanwhile, back at Impact, Jarrett is absolutely killing it in his portrayal of cutting onions. He has tears in his eyes. You see, Jarrett's feeling my pain.

More Bischoff... he's on the phone and he pooh-poohs the idea of a weekly celebrity guest host, because "that's the damn dumbest thing I've ever heard." Duh. Everybody in WWE knows that the guest host bit sucks donkey butt. But, uh Mr. Bischoff, when's the last time TNA was on SportsCenter? It's when they had that damn dumb celebrity Pacman Jones. And maybe with a weekly damn dumb celebrity guest host they could get better ratings. Oh, wait, hold that thought. Bischoff is coming down to the ring to read the phonebook.

Although to be positive, Hogan vs. Flair on March 8 (with Abyss and Styles) sounds snazzy. Even a sub-part Hogan-Flair match is worth checking out. Maybe then it wouldn't be buoyed by a sub-par Impact, like this one. Two hours of pure slog. I think even WWE NXT had some more wrestling. But I'll give this show a old-school absurd grade:

IMPACT'S ABSURD VERDICT: A Little Absurd (For Jeff Jarrett's Performance In Flipping Meat Patties, Negative Points For TNA Not Marketing Hogan Ring To Little Kids)

Speaking about WWE NXT, I would like to see NXT dive deeper into the humans behind the characters, heck, maybe giving a little "real" backstage stuff. Next week's NXT will feature Adam Lambert and a cowboy. Dreamy stuff. They better be in a bubble bath, that's all I'm saying. If we're voting on charisma, I'll vote for that tall glass of Lambert loveliness. Maybe we can all TXT to see whose the NXT superstar is! Hee hee! And then Lambert can take a camera crew while he goes shopping! Hooray!

I'm going to end the article with an observation that will most likely get me killed: wrestling writers are like wrestlers. Before you wrestlers powerbomb me through a glass table, please know that we cannot even fathom the insane amount of training, dedication, and sacrifice you wrestlers do. The following is just for entertainment purposes only. We cool? Good.

Here we good with the similarities between wrestlers and wrestling writers...

-We have to perform to keep our job.

-We sometimes take unprofessional shots at other writers.

-We live in a hierarchy system with main-eventers and curtain-jerkers (I'm a Zack Ryder, Wade Keller is an Undertaker).

-We have to deal with backstage politics and jealousy ("Hey! That guy took my PPV idea and shot it to bits!")

-It is bad for business if we "bury" one another (Imagine if the tagline for this Absurd article was, "Shane McKinley with some more crap. Boy, this guy sucks. Don't even bother reading this hack's article and pay attention to me! I'm the Game!")

-Likewise, some writers are pushed to the moon even if they have no talent or skill.

-We have our fair share of haters who hate everything we do.

-We have to conform our style to fall in line with the organization (you should see some of the uncensored absurd articles).

-We thrive on feedback, good or bad. If we don't get feedback, that means we are not making a connection with the audience.

-We sometimes get disillusioned with our job at times.

-We're hoping to get a Hulk Ring so that we can have super powers.

-There are some of us who have a deep passion for what we do, while some are just in it to make a name for themselves and it feeds their ego.

-We are both wrestling nerds.

-There are females in our line of work who are outstanding.

-We get stereotyped too (We're either "pencil necks" or "blubbery whales" living in our mom's basement).

-We're not as respected as "real" journalists, much like "real" athletes for wrestlers.

-Some of us are professional, while others are quite juvenile.

-We have our own "shticks." Some of us are straight-forward and can give you deep main events, while others are just light-hearted comedy acts.

-Out of sight is out of mind.

-We try to keep our fingers on the pulse of today's youth while at the same time trying to appeal to the crusty old hardcore crowd.

-Both of us deal with the mysterious, murky world of Vince McMahon and his actions.

-We too have a Twitter account with Dixie Carter (mandatory).

-We too are wild, crazy, hard-drinking partiers who don't stop even when the sun rises up. Mama don't let your babies grow up to be wrestling writers.

Okay, okay. There are some differences. Like the amount of travel, the injuries (wrestlers get concussions of the brain, we get the cramping of the fingers) and our life expectancy is much higher (and other things that I may not have mention ohnopleasedonotsnapmyneckplease). But trust me on the hard partying part. Holla at me Maria.

(credit to pix.motivatedphotos.com, slam.canoe.ca, upload.wikimedia.org, kidzites.com and faler.files.wordpress.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com. Follow me on facebook - facebook.com/ShaneMcKinley88.

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