By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Wrestling writers are sometimes knocked around for being "too negative." And while there is indeed a thin line between "entertaining criticism" and "petty whining," there are bits in wrestling that speak for themselves.

Like...

1. On the last Raw, WWE gleefully drove away viewers and drove down PPV buys because they felt the world needed more of that Springer comedy classic.

2. WWE expects you to buy a PPV this year which introduces a unique, unpredictable and insane concept: a fatal four-way match.

3. WWE had the gall, the absolute gall, to pair up "Pro" The Miz with "Rookie" Bryan Danielson! How dare they! Psst...to all of you hardcore ROH fans, a typical WWE fan hasn't even heard of ROH. They know nothing of Danielson. As long as they don't have Danielson wrestling in capri pants, it will be fine.

4. Finally, they are getting rid of Money In The Bank match at WrestleMania. Somebody call Shelton Benjamin and tell him to cancel plans. For you see, they're going to have a MITB PPV. Groan.

Remember those good old days when they built up feuds and characters towards a PPV? I don't know when WWE PPVs decided to go on the "Hawaiian Shirt Fridays" plan.

Speaking about dead cold PPVs, Elimination Chamber comes to you this Sunday! Using the ABSURDTRON 4000, I am able to tell you who is going to win! The images may look familiar to THQ's Raw vs. Smackdown 2010, but trust me, WWE lawyers, they're not.

Raw Elimination Chamber



Randy Orton taunts Kofi while the rest of the grapplers are blinded by Sheamus's skin tone.



Triple H pedigrees Sheamus onto the chamber floor. That will require some aspirin. Sheamus is out.



Orton awaits a Kofi knee to the face.



Yes, that is Kofi pinning Triple H and getting the victory. Cena loads up Ted for the FU while Orton stares moodily. Teddy's out.



Kofi kicks a busted open Orton and pins him. I don't trust this computer simulation.



Kofi clubs Cena in the back of his head. Cena's fragile neck breaks and he is carried out. Kofi wins the WWE Championship. Ha ha, that's good. That's real good.

Smackdown Elimination Chamber

John Morrison gets hit in the head with his own DVD mysteriously. Chamber match starts without him.



Rey Mysterio loads up Chris Jericho for a DDT and gets the pin. Um, R-Truth gets eliminated by rapping in a Chamber match. It's a rule.



Now it's just Taker and Rey Mysterio. Taker's feelings get hurt when Mysterio trash talks him.



Rey: "I'm really sorry can we be friends oh crapppp..."



Rey gets chokeslammed into China.



HBK enters the Chamber match. He's pissed.



Unfortunately, HBK falls victim to Undertaker by the dreaded "WWE formulaic wrestling" that Taker busts out.



Undertaker is still your World Champion. Undertaker is shocked when HBK "dies" and floats to heaven. Striker screams, "I'm pretty sure I've never seen this before!" HBK vs. Taker at WrestleMania takes place in "heaven" and is proclaimed the greatest green-screen wrestling match ever.

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