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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Royal Rumble & Raw: Bret Hart Ain't Pathetic, Cena is "The Sequence," HBK's Descent into Utter Madness, Edge Loves Fat Failure Turtles?
Feb 2, 2010 - 10:40:21 AM
"Thought that I'd forget all about the past
But it doesn't let me run too fast
And I just wanna stand outside
And know that this is right
And this is true
And I will not
Fade into
Fade into the night"
-"Dead of Winter" by The Eels
-Randy Orton wants you to know that WWE boys don't get into trouble. Get it? Got it? Good. Now out of Ort's way, he's gonna put on some more baby oil.
-How odd it is that many WWE fans rejoiced that HBK and Triple H didn't win the Rumble. Like many, it would have made me retch to see Trips win. The king of kings has been bowling with Hornswoggle, so I wouldn't say Trips's edge is sharp. And HBK's doing his "conflicted pre-WrestleMania gig." I am enjoying Michaels's descent into utter madness.
-What I'm not enjoying is the shoddy music WWE keeps selecting for their PPVs. Yes, Skillet's "Hero" is cheap, but even Jim Ross blogged that the "damn Skillet song was bah gawd awful."
-Although Christian and Big Zeke managed to eek out a decent match at the Rumble, things aren't looking so hot for ECW nowadays. It's hard to believe that the Syfy network will be content with constant "0.9" ratings for the Tuesday night show.
-Did you know? Gregory Helms was arrested on that fateful booze night while still wearing his Hurricane outfit.
-I don't see Miz vs. MVP at WrestleMania, but I do see the team of Miz and Big Show a.k.a. MizShow a.k.a. JeriShow II winning the Unified tag team titles. The thought process here is that Miz will be seen as more credible with more gold around his spray-tanned shoulders, Big Show needs something to do, and the Straight Edge Society don't need the gold as much as MizShow in order to get over.
-Speaking about S.E.S., I'm loving it. It's not as flaky as "Right To Censor" (where then tired mid-card acts like the Godfather became "The Goodfather") because C.M. Punk, Luke Gallows, and Serena are, in a sense, a unique faction in the bright colorful WWE Universe. They are anti-WWE. Plus, Punk gets points for rocking a Misfits belt on Raw.
-I think I'm in love with Serena. I fall for the "butch" types in wrestling. Serena's got arms the size of tree trunks and Beth Phoneix will rather kill ya than kiss ya.
-Speaking about women who wrestle, we gave props to the "Piggie James" storyline because hey, at least the women's division actually had a storyline. But six damn weeks of fat jokes wore extremely thin. Good move in making the Mickie-McCool Rumble match a 20-second feel-good joke. But I'd rather not see Layla dress up in a fat suit every week. Wrestling isn't actually known for its positive portrayal of women.
-Sheamus as WWE champion pretty much defines the term "paper champion." The pale warrior might have had great matches in bunghole nowhere and might just be the next guy. He has the look, he has the presence, he scares children, and he has "it." But, frankly, Sheamus hasn't had that one match where he has convinced us old jaded fans that he deserves such as push. It would be a sight to see to have an interview segment where Triple H actually pushes Sheamus.
Imagine if it was Triple H vs. Sheamus at Mania. People who don't check out WWE the whole year and only buy WrestleMania will be flabbergasted when they hear that Trips is facing against some "pale white dude." They'll say, "This is a joke, right?"
-Speaking about jokes, it was snazzy reading the old Royal Rumble reports and learning about the "Huh?" main events that went down, especially Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry.
-At least with the DX dissension, we already know that we're going to get progress: further development with HBK's spiral into madness, Trips becoming more serious, and DX dropping the tag team titles. With the Legacy dissension, it's harder to judge, mainly because WWE has teased the Legacy break-up for so damn long now. We have a fuzzy idea that it's going to be Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase at Mania, but after that? Will Cody Rhodes be able to float the murky mid-card waters on Raw? Good luck with that.
-With all of his preening and moody behavior, Randy Orton's new theme song should be Pet Shop Boys's "West End Girls." The video could be the mad male model singing the song while his lackey Cody Rhodes follows him around. Watch on YouTube.
-It would have been a great sight if they stopped the Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio match at the Rumble because of blood. Matt Striker on commentary: "Well, folks, let me tell you. Even though the Undertaker has a Scooby-Doo band aid on his face, he's still the dead man and you must fear him!"
-What's great about the Raw following a PPV is that you get a sense of all that went down. Personally, $45 for a PPV is a bit steep for me. Buying the Elimination Chamber PPV is one month of groceries or one month at my gym. Time for me to get on that elusive pirate WWE PPV feed.
-WWE haters will point out that Edge winning the Rumble is just WWE's lucky ace-in-the-hole. Yes, but hey, Edge's return shakes things up. Plus the Rumble was darn short and it wasn't last year's farce. Edge back on the Smackdown main event scene will shake off the Smackdown doldrums. Hopefully.
-To me, Edge's promo on Raw was babyfaceish. He didn't call the crowd "fat failure turtles" and he was paired up with one of WWE's biggest heels in Sheamus. (Ugh. It was hard writing that.) What side of Edge will we see on Smackdown? It might be more of face Edge.
Of course, if Edge does go face, it's going to take some time. WWE understands that. If you keep feeding the horse, soon enough that horse is going to follow you.
That's why the piped in "cheers" or "boos" dilemma in TNA bugs me. Because one of the key facets in watching wrestling is the wrestling organization convincing you that wrestler x is a face or a heel, thus giving you a foundation to base your reaction towards that particular wrestler. And fans want their reactions to a wrestler to feel "genuine," not forced by some stagehand before the show starts. Cheer or booing is supposed to be fans's prerogative.
-Raw had some good performances in it that didn't have any "fake wrestling" in it. I think the key difference between WWE and TNA is that I give a crap about what the wrestlers have to say. I'm excited about what HBK and Trips have to say to each other. I want to hear what Bret Hart and Vince have to say. But, in TNA, I get Mick Foley talking about finding a poo in a Chucky Cheese or something. Or another "Woohoo I'm Jeff Jarrett and damn aren't my thoughts so important" bit. Impact is a soap opera, sure, but soap operas don't feature a backstage interview with the coffee boy and the key grip.
-About the only thing exciting about John Cena matches now is if they bother to change up "The Sequence." That should be Cena's "Jersey Shore" nickname: "The Sequence." The Sequence vs. The Great One at Summerslam? Hey, don't look at me like that. We all know that WWE dives into their Summer of Stupidity head first and they probably won't have a fresh marquee Summerslam match to encourage buys. As far as the young talent goes? Kofi Kingston? Ted DiBiase? Still a work in progress.
-It's weird, but I now view Kofi Kingston as that "boom boom" guy who talks in that fake Jamaican accent. Needless to say he's not going to win anything at the Elimination Chamber but the lottery.
-Nice to see that Jack Swagger got some time in his match with Triple H. Perhaps there is hope for him yet. First move? Get him off of Raw.
-John Cena vs. Batista with Bret Hart and Vince McMahon in their respective corners (considering what went down on the last Raw, I'm not really looking forward to an actual match with the Canadian hero and the American villain) is a sexy WrestleMania match. What's even sexier? John Cena going heel at the big dance.
Ha, I'm just kidding. I'm starting to convince myself that Cena will never, ever go heel. Why? Because not only would WWE have to replace their #1 top American apple-pie eating flag-saluting babyface in the ring, but they would have to replace that same apple-pie eating asshole in their media relations. John Cena is the #1 marketable guy WWE has right now who puts on the "good face" for WWE's relations with the media. Triple H, Rey Mysterio, HBK, Randy Orton, Batista, or Edge can't do this.
-Well, that's it. Catch you on Impact, where I'm guessing Bobby Lashley will go heel after going face last week after going heel the week before that.
(credit to lethalwow.com and 2.bp.blogspot.com for pics)
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