By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"The universe is hostile
So impersonal
Devour to survive
So it is, so it's always been"
-"Vicarious" by Tool

Lately there's been criticism leveled at WWE for not running an official Umaga "In Memoriam" service. Well, WWE answered that on the last Smackdown. In case you missed it, here's the Smackdown recap:



Yeah, there's been no late Umaga love by the WWE corporation. But hey, didn't Jason C.'s death-stare make you feel all warm inside? Or that they rang the bell ten times for somebody who wasn't dead? Awwwww.

WWE's Tender Loving Care PPV comes to you this Sunday. Normally in a PPV buildup, I look at the internal problems the particular wrestling organization has or has not "fixed." These problems range from character development, storyline strength, and so forth. The problem facing the TLC PPV is mainly external. With the recent tragic death of Eddie "Umaga" Fatu and the discussion sparking up again about long-term damaging effects of chair shots to the head (and general health of wrestlers), suddenly a "crash-and-burn" PPV doesn't sound all that appealing. If you're looking for a balls-out violent PPV, you probably want to look elsewhere.

Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin in a ladder match for the ECW Championship

You know that you're going to get a lot of crowd-pleasing moves from these two blondes. ECW in itself is pretty pathetic right now, so I see no gain in Shelton winning the gold. I have a feeling that this match will be the opener to help "set the hardcore mood," even if the other matches don't really hit the same mark. And hey, perhaps even an appearance by Regal's Roundtable to help Shelton Benjamin save face. If that really matters nowadays.

What to look forward to in this match
-Crazy spots, looks to steal the show

What not to look forward to in this match
-Overtly elaborate botched spots
-ECW winning a Slammy Award the next night for "Wrestling show with worst music"

Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James for the WWE Women's Title

Mickie wants to be a country music singer. But before she can do that, she has to face McCool. McCool has taunted Mickie, calling her "Piggy James." Five years ago many diva feuds were started by calling the other one a bitch. Now we're calling each other immature schoolyard nicknames. Oink oink.

What to forward to in this match
-It's not Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse
-Chance of McCool bringing a pig to ringside
-Chance of Piggy James hitting McCool with a fake guitar
-Chance of Clint Black hitting Garth Brooks with a steel chair in the ring
-Chance of the South rising up against the North

What not to look forward to in this match
-Facing the "Bro, I'd rather watch Beautiful People roll around in mud" mentality
-Your toilet is overflowing and there's no more beer in the fridge

C.M. Punk promo

Punk's not in the wrestling card, and that's a shame. So why not have the straight-edge Jesus lay down a quick promo? Punk can go with hyping up that the Jeff Hardy DVD as poision (I had no interest in that Hardy DVD, but ever since Punk's been telling me that watching that DVD is like dropping some acid, I'm suddenly intrigued). But hell, Punk would be lucky just being in the PPV. The Miz would be lucky just to get ten seconds of airtime. But then again, WWE would rather get the cheap Hornswoggle pop than show these two. Come on, WWE. Punk's the Superstar of the year.

John Morrison vs. Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental Championship

There's been some complaints leveled at McIntyre. "They're pushing McIntyre? And some bloke named Sheamus? What about Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, etc.?" It's understandable that people are going to pick their favorites and question exactly why some people are being favored by WWE management. You have to keep in mind that there are a lot of factors to why some people get pushed while others get buried. Sometimes these reasons are ones that are strictly backstage that are unknown to common fans. I've been impressed by Ziggler, but management is down on him. Jack Swagger shouldn't have won his Superstars match with MVP (MVP is way more bankable at this point), but Swagger got the nod. In my view, McIntyre is a solid choice to push.

We already know what the good things John Morrison can do in the ring, but what can McIntyre do to appeal to WWE fans?

What to look forward to in this match
-Good chemistry between these two
-McIntyre quiets his haters
-Morrison will be a top star in a few years

What not to look forward to in this match
-McIntyre gives his haters more ammo
-Morrison admits his abs are spray-painted on in another super-long promo
-Vince McMahon screaming so loud into Matt Striker's headset that blood starts to pool out of Matty's ears
-WWE going once again with the three-man announce team

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

It's already agreed that Randy Orton is going to win this battle of the male models. If it's a straight up one vs. one match, Randy Orton should win this one. Yes, Kofi's on this huge push right now, but Randy Orton is one of the top stars of WWE. He shouldn't become Kofi's punching bag. Be on the lookout for a Legacy involvement. No, we haven't forgotten about Legacy. Yet.

What look forward to in this match
-A chance for both Randy and Kofi to have a good PPV match
-Another Kofi Kingston PPV moment
-Possible Legacy involvement

What not to look forward to in this match
-Randy Orton's exciting chin locks
-Randy Orton starts to slither around like a viper in front of millions (Cole: "Just like a Viper!")
-Feud has cooled off since the boom drop in the Garden

DX vs. JeriShow in a TLC match for Unified Tag Team Titles

There's going to be more of a focus on creative spots that will make the PPV highlight reel other than some full-blown insane TLC match. Whether DX wins the gold or not means nothing at this point, since the majority are looking forward to the day when DX breaks up finally. It's the best thing about Christmas really: "Yay! This re-re-re-reunion of DX will end soon! Hooray! Thank you Santa!"

What to look forward to in this match
-Veterans in the rings doing creative spots
-James Caldwell doing a run-in after Texas's Colt McCoy didn't win the Heisman

What not to look forward to in this match
-Might hog all of the cool spots of the night (and in turn making the other matches look weak)
-Enjoying a match is harder when you're watching with one eye closed hoping that the guys don't blow a quad
-JeriShow, shockingly, doesn't end DX and the DX army

John Cena vs. Sheamus in a Tables Match for the WWE Title

Look for this match to play up the "Cena almost went through a table!" tease. I'm hoping that it doesn't fully go down that route (meaning that Cena and Sheamus convince fans that they actually hate each other).

What to look forward to in this match
-A potential star-making PPV match for Sheamus

What not to look forward to in this match
-Might be cheesy and pansy
-Sheamus looking lost in the ring
-Too many damn table teases (the match appealing just to kiddies)

Batista vs. Undertaker in a Chairs Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

I feel like I've already seen this one. People already know what to expect. They expect to see a slower Undertaker vs. Batista match sprinkled in with some chair shots. The only storyline here is Batista going into business for himself. Undertaker as champion right now is soulless, so to spruce things up I would like to see Batista win the gold and make that money.

What to look forward to in this match
-Batista vs. Undertaker is a solid bet
-Match might be a great fight

What not to look forward to in this match
-The whole match concept and storyline is somewhat sleep-inducing
-WWE chumping you out with another soulless Undertaker PPV win

I'm interested in Christian vs. Shelton. I'm digging the hype surrounding the Cena vs. Sheamus match. I put some trust in DX and JeriShow, but I am not sure if what they offer will be worth the money. Batista vs. Undertaker might indeed be the dud of the night. Randy vs. Kofi and JoMo vs. McIntyre look to be the athletic proportions of the show. All in all I think if you go into the PPV not expecting totally insane violence and blood, this looks to be a respectable one. Unless the only good match is Christian vs. Benjamin and the rest of the show is a farce. I've got a feeling that WWE will bring in a star at this PPV to drive home the "You should had been there" vibe.

(credit to i471.photobucket.com, orpheline.files.wordpress.com, and img.photobucket.com for pics)

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