By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"They give you this
but you pay for that
And once you're gone
you can never come back
When you're out of the blue
and into the black"
-"My My Hey Hey (Out Of The Blue)" by Neil Young

(Quick note: Remember Pearl Harbor.)

Watching Raw on Monday night, I felt the late Eddie "Umaga" Fatu's presence, especially during the hero John Cena vs. monster Sheamus buildup. (YouTube the Cena vs. Umaga Last Man Standing match at the 2007 Royal Rumble.) I can understand why WWE didn't roll out an official "In Memoriam" for Umaga, but I thought it was a nice touch by some of the wrestlers (Chris Jericho, Primo) wearing black armbands to pay tribute to the late Umaga. Of course, I could be wrong though about that. I'm just a fan who watches wrestling.

-Story of the night was this: Mark Cuban going through a freakin' table by Sheamus. Much love for Cuban for agreeing to be put through a table, as it led to Sheamus having his first and probably only "SportsCenter" moment. Maybe Cuban didn't agree and Vince McMahon just hates all NBA team owners. Ah, the "Denver Debacle." Like pouring hot gravy into your eyes.

That's what Raw guest hosts are supposed to do: contribute. That's why a "General Manager" is there in the first place: enhancement. We have Dennis Miller and Don Johnson heading down the pipe. Miller uses very big and very obtuse words that scare me. Johnson starred in "Nash Bridges," a Miami Vice rip-off that sometimes featured Stone Cold as "Jake Cage." Awesomeness. Don't think these guys are going to agree to be put through a table. Hell, we might get to hear "30-man Regal Rumba...uh, I mean, Royal Rumble. Whatever" mention from the upcoming Raw guest hosts. Cuban earned some points from the wrestling world this week.

Raw Ramblings

-Here's Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban to kick off the show wearing the biggest tennis shoes I have ever seen. Shane McMahon's real father tells us that later there will be a confrontation between John Cena and Sheamus. They're just going to talk. It will be no holds barred. Maybe there will even be some naughty words. Ooh.

-Here's Randy Orton and Legacy. They are bad guys wearing the same bad guy t-shirts. They jostle Mark Cuban around. Cuban thought that acting tough must mean sticking out your chest like a pansy. He looked weird tonight. But that's how these guys become billionaires. Once you become that rich, you have to shove something up your butt. For Mark Cuban, a basketball. For Vince McMahon, Mae Young's prosthetic hand. Why do you think Vince walks funny?

WWE brings up 2003 when a young meathead named Randy Orton RKO'ed a young Mark Cuban. Hell, I don't remember that. Some pipsqueak named Cody Rhodes wants a piece of Cuban's ass. No thanks. Go back to playing the Bayonetta demo.

Legacy pretty much handles the tag team of Primo Colon and Evan Bourne. As for Legacy, I'm expecting big things in 2010 for these two knuckleheads.

-Maryse vs. Gail Kim symbolized the WWE's women division right now. Here's Gail Kim and she's kicking ass and entertaining me in the ring. Then WWE punks me out and has Maryse pick up a quick, dirty win. Then the French harlot scuffles with the American pornstar Kelly Kelly. Somehow, it takes more than big hair and back flips for me.

-DX Christmas 2008:



Did you y'all notice that thing called "crowd reaction?" It's crazy (along with the same format plugs). I guess DX hears the crowd reaction in their own heads. In reality, all I heard was the air conditioning in the arena as DX did their lame comedy shtick. Oh look, we're plugging our products (wink wink). Oh look, we're breaking down that fourth wall with "who wrote this crap" (wink wink). Oh look, here's a glimpse of the asscrack of Hornswoggle as he jumps on top of us. For once I would like Triple H to say, "Babble babble boosch!" Maybe just for something new from DX. Here's something off the top of my head: have Triple H and Shawn Michaels dress up as news announcers and give a DX news segment. Same plugs, same Hornswoggle humor. But now it's not a repeat of what we saw a million times before.

Maybe it's not DX's fault that week in and week out they are often involved in the worst wrestling bits of the week (TNA included). They can't be controversial and make jokes about their weiners. Hell, in the old days a blow-up doll would had been in that box, not Hornswoggle. In 1998, it was rebellious to go to school wearing a shirt that said, "S*ck It" on the back. Now, I'm thinking that you're liable to get your ass kicked if you wear a shirt claiming that you support two old guys doing skits that scream, "We don't care if these bits suck, we're getting our airtime."

-I suppose in January when people do change the channel to Impact during garbage skits like this, they'll get treated to an angle where Dixie Carter has been kidnapped and Hulk Hogan is looking around Disney World for her. Man, I miss those "TNA wrestlers take a camera
crew to a wacky location." Y'all remember A.J. Styles taking Karen Angle to Gatorland in the dead of night? Y'all remember Team 3D trying to lose weight in a candy store? Great stuff. I say invade Dubya Dubya E's Monday Night Raw with a tank and fire off the first shot.

And speaking about the looming Monday Night Wars II, let's see if a regular Impact episode can actually gain viewers leading to the main event instead of losing them. Personally I feel that the "allegiance" thing is nonsense. I want to see a great product, no matter which brand it comes from. Competition is a good thing for fans. It is indeed tiring to see WWE trot out the same old "by the numbers" product much like how telemarketers read from a script: "The (fill in the blank) PPV only happens once a year! It's unique!" and "Same top stars from 2005 now have to fight in a Christmas tree parking lot! Buy it now!"

-I felt like I was in one of Randy's Orton chinlocks while watching his match with Kofi. The whole night was pretty drab. WWE didn't want to give special guest ref Mark Cuban too much to do in this match, so he was there to count the quickest three count in wrestling history.

I'm looking forward to a good showing by Kofi Kingston, but look for Randy Orton to pick up the win. The Viper has been picked on the whole year. Let's protect him a bit, eh?

I feel that the Randy Orton-Kofi Kingston feud has lost most of its steam. WWE likes to do that with big pushes for young talent. They give them a taste, then they're pulled back.

-With Miz vs. Mark Henry feud, it seems like they're trying to push both guys. The Intercontinental Champion John Morrison looks to be in a good feud with Drew McIntyre. The United States Champion The Miz looks to be dealing with Raw's mid-card chumps and screaming "I'm Awesome!" every chance he gets.

Nice DDT finish by Miz. Once upon a time, ECW Champion Matt Hardy had to spend 20 minutes battling the frying-pan-bending Mark Henry for a hard-fought victory. On Raw, Miz picks up the win over Henry in three minutes.

-Speaking about ECW, I've been reading rumors that WWE is thinking about getting rid of the "ECW" name. Why? What good would it do to call the show "FCW" or "The show where you can see Zack Ryder jump up and down on a couch?" (Seriously, guys. Even hardcore ten-year
olds who sleep, drink and breathe the WWE product are going, "Hey, wait a minute. This sucks!")

-Raw's having the Slammy's next week. Superstar of the Year? Either C.M. Punk or Randy Orton. Tag team of the year? Jericho and Big Show. OMG moment of the year? Something to do with Jeff Hardy. WTF moment of the year? Chris Masters playing the knight in shining humor rescuing a helpless maiden while bouncing his chest pecs. Thing was surreal. Imagine if Westley did this in "The Princess Bride" and you get the idea.

I actually thought WWE was going to go the route of Eve standing up for herself and walloping Chavo. But things turned much worse. That dolt Masters comes in to save her? How drab. Then he puts Chavo in a trance by bouncing his man boobs? WTF?

-I'm not looking forward to the TLC match between DX and JeriShow on the PPV. Big Show punching a chair right back in Trip's face was a guilty pleasure, but it seemed like these guys are going to play it safe at the PPV (which makes sense, but for some, the "chaos" won't compare to earlier years...but then again, I don't want a injury-plagued WrestleMania).

-Speaking about WrestleMania, I agree and say that WWE should attach themselves to Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. The last boxing match I remember in the public eye was the "Mike Tyson biting a ear off" squabble. Mayweather vs. Pacquiao is a match that I will donate my body to science to see.

-And speaking about the TLC PPV, WWE is sure as hell trying to train their audience about what is "hardcore." If you're like me, you grew up watching wrestlers bash each other with chair shots and going through flaming tables in the '90s. Now in WWE, it's all about "the velocity in which Big Show can swing a chair" and Matt Striker gushing about how "shards from a solid oak wood table can shoot up and lodge into human flesh." Okay, guys. TNA already has glass tables and evil Christmas trees wrapped in barbwire.

Potential negative aspects of the PPV? The DX-JeriShow match might hog the cool spots of the night (because, come on, it's DX), Cena vs. Sheamus might have too many "Cena going through a table teases," Batista vs. Undertaker has no real fire to it at this point, and grade school Christmas pageants are more entertaining and thought-provoking than the Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin buildup. Apparently they are going to steal the show by hitting each other with Xbox 360s and videogame controllers. Just because a potential PPV matchup is good doesn't excuse crappy hype.

-Hey, no little people court skit tonight. Hoorah! Too bad the in-ring action was very stale and boring. Perhaps that DX skit sucked all of the energy out of the show.

-John "No Comment" Cena sure made a pretty speech during his "Seven Years" promo about the American flag and warm apple pies. You see, John Cena at first looked constipated, like he had just eaten a bad High Tech Burrito. Then he got royally pissed off at the "impressive" Sheamus. And hey, Sheamus didn't have any goofy expression on his face. He gives off the impression that he knows that chances like this don't come around very often, so he better not blow it.

Meanwhile Jack Swagger is going, "But I worked on my lisp, dammit!"

-See y'all on Smackdown, where I pretend Eric Escobar is Razor Ramon, Jr. and he's living it up in a '80s wrestling storyline with hoochie Vickie Guerrero. He has to look out for her Canadian cronies, the peppy Tyson Kidd and the completely unthreatening David Hart Smith. These chicas man, they crazy.

(credit to th01.deviantart.net, stargazette.com and 3.bp.blogspot.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt