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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: Carlito Is A Cena Hater, Mark Henry Flattens Jillian And Spits On The Mic, Original ECW's Chair Matches, Cena Facial Expressions of Doom (w/VIDEOS)
Dec 1, 2009 - 10:51:00 AM
"When they talk about me they say I be trippin (yeah)
What they say about me doesn't make me mad (naw, naw)
I think they hatin cause they see me when I'm rollin (yeah)
Man I can't help it that they really doin bad (naw, naw)"
-"Ok, You're Right" by 50 Cent
"Hi, welcome to Best Buy. How may I assist you today?"
"Yes. I would like to buy a DVR. You know, that TiVo gizmo. You see, I watch WWE Monday Night Raw and they have these 'celebrity guest hosts.' I have to fast-forward through these segments or I'll go into a mental breakdown. Also need it for wrestlers' entrances and dead-end feuds."
I was a bit surprised to see all of the venom against the Raw, since I felt it was the best Raw that I've seen in a long time. Mostly because I skipped every single Verne Troyer and "Isn't Mark Henry so cool?" segment. Maybe because I set the bar so low (after all, one of the teases for this Raw was a DX's "little people's court" bit) that I felt that this Raw really was quite good in building up the PPV.
-I felt that the JeriShow-DX opening answered a lot of questions the PPV match had. The TLC match is going to be "revolutionary" (cough) and the most "kickass, violent, tremendous thing you have ever seen" (cough cough). JeriShow talked about how they ran over the weak WWE tag team division. They've got 43 championships between them. And they've got lots of pretty pictures on the Titantron to keep the audience awake.
Still to this day I can't get over the fact that Triple H gets to say those famous "Triple Hisms," such as portraying JeriShow as chumps despite their legitimate title reign. Trips says things that typically no wrestler should be saying during a promo.
Good move by DX to portray themselves as a biker gang who don't listen to rules. You see, they are one of you. They work at Burger King and smoke in the bathroom. In reality, DX should be the ones dressing up in those JeriShow suits.
Jericho vs. Triple H later tonight. All right. If Hunter loses, he has to face Jerishow by himself. Hell, that's no sweat for Trips. Why not make it an inferno match with three other wrestlers and see how many pedigrees can Trips can do under three minutes? (Seriously, that's a storyline match in that WWE video game.)
They even added in the "will next week be the last time Jericho on Raw?" I'm more worried about the sad state of affairs over on Smackdown.
-The WWE women's division is suddenly filled with piggies and turkeys references. Will they have a barnyard match at the PPV? Will they dress up as Sexy Santa Vixens? The questions we ponder.
-Sheamus kills Santino with a rare table spot on Raw. Really refreshing to see WWE stay away from the guest host in the opening half hour.
-But we can't escape it. Here comes Mini Me beefing with Miz. I can imagine a lot of people changing the channel during this segment, despite Miz's spiffy performance on the mic. I kinda wish Miz did kick him through the uprights of the ring.
-Micheal Cole: "I just can't believe...Vince McMahon in that exploding limo...Hornswoggle with a brain contusion...and now, Cody Rhodes has attacked Kofi Kingston before Kofi's match with Randy Orton. It's so depressing."
Jerry Lawler: "Look at this! It's Ted DiBiase! And he's hitting Kofi in the legs with a DVD copy of "The Marine 2!" Which comes out December 29th! This is heinous!" Hey, this would save WWE some time. Doing a run-in and promoting your crap.
Another solid "emotion" Randy Orton match on Raw. Somewhat boring for older fans, but the point here was for Randy Orton to gain back his cred. Don't worry, he'll probably lose it next week.
-Ah, my favorite segment of wrestlers smashing buttons to a WWE video game. MVP and Verne Troyer are chilling in the back. Here comes Mark Henry. Don't you think he's cool? Uh, here's Jillian for some reason. At this point, I hit the fast-forward button. Next thing I saw was Jillian lying on the ground and Troyer going, "Hey guys, I think she's dead." Holy s--t! Mark Henry killed Jillian! He's so cool now! Mark Henry, ladies and gentlemen! He can bend frying pans! He can wear Santa hats! He can click his heels! And he can dance! Isn't he so cool? The latest Bobby Lashley push was an easier thing to swallow than this.
WWE tried to push Mark Henry tonight. After his crappy rapping and his crap wrestling match with Miz, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away. I'm bummed out that Mark Henry is now the #1 United States Championship contender. Hooray, another potential bad match with Miz. But I suppose MVP will be at ringside trying to distract the stink wafting from the ring. "Ballin, dog! Ballin! Ballin! Ballin! Uh, um, Ballin! Ballin!"
-I would urge WWE marketing to get on that "John Cena drives muscle cars to the arena" and start selling them as toys. You can't just get the Cena toy, you have to get the Cena car.
John Cena does so much better when he does his "hit me and see what happens" promos even though his blood-curling scream of going to war is a bit fake. You only went through a table, Cena. It wasn't a 7,000 watt-searchlight. And who has Sheamus really beat? Shelton Benjamin? Goldust? There's no reason for Cena to fear Sheamus.
Cena wants a piece of Sheamus. Instead, he gets...Carlito? Holy crap, he's still employed? Kudos for Carlito for giving a solid "I'm a Cena hater and so are a lot of guys in the back" promo. You see, Cena haters are chumps. I'm excited for this Cena storyline that I can actually sink my teeth into. The Cena-Sheamus match itself might be junk, but the buildup has been fun so far and WWE tapping into the "We Cena Nuff" attitude.
Speaking about Cena, it is really all right there for a Cena heel turn. It's just too damn bad that WWE can't risk pissing off their investors to have a Cena heel turn (and plus who would replace the #1 babyface?).
-Funniest moment of the night was the commercial for WWE's kayfabe magazine. "Tomorrow's Future Stars" scream the headline. Inside, WWE's hot young talent talk about what they want to accomplish. John Morrison wants to "face Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania." Dolph Ziggler "wants to be World champion." And Jack Swagger wants to still be employed in the WWE after five years. Swagger: "Well I hope that my ass won't be fired!" Biggest downfall in WWE of 2009? Jack Swagger. Period. Maybe it was Jack's own fault.
-I suppose it would have been too much to ask legendary Shawn Michaels to actually speak in that "leprechaun" gibberish. All I ask is that the DX little people's court be the dumbest bit in wrestling history. Don't try to be like Mark Henry rapping and show one member in the audience clapping ("You see? This bit is ok! People like it! MVP is encouraging you to like it!"). Shoot for the most inane thing ever seen by human eyes. It's quite a challenge, but I think they can do it.
-WWE is really on this "main event guest announcer(s)" trip right now. It is interesting to hear wrestlers try their hand during announcing duties. It's a nice way to break up the Lawler-Cole monotony. Guys like Chavo Guerrero and TNA's Brother Ray are pretty good on the mic. Guys like John Morrison and obviously Batista are not very good. How did Big Show do? "I'm going to make the Heartbreak Kid eat some wood!"
-Overall I thought that WWE did a great job of pumping up the PPV. Negatives? The severe lack of wrestling on this program. The brothers of suck Verne Troyer and Mark Henry sure made a lot of people frustrated with their clummy ass segments. But on the positives, I felt that the DX-Jerishow and Cena-Sheamus feuds got a kick in the pants and a definitive reason to see their matches.
The "revolutionary" TLC PPV is more WWE hogwash and I don't get on my knees and pray that I can get a TLC match with old guys near the end of their in-ring careers right before the road to WrestleMania. The "DX has never been tag team champions" and "Jericho might leave Raw" stotylines are intriguing. The "DX have never been in a TLC match" signals that WWE is grasping for people to believe that bulletproof DX are actually in trouble.
We might remember the Cena vs. Sheamus match at the TLC PPV as an overhyped piece of junk. How will Sheamus perform at a PPV main event level? Will WWE get too cute with the "Oh man, Cena almost went through the table" teases? I do say that I like the "Cena vs. Cena haters" vibe going on, mainly because, dear lord, it's actually a fresh Cena storyline.
Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin in a ladder match does indeed look to steal the show. And it's got a lot of older fans feeling that WWE won't chump them out with this match.
Speaking about chump matches, I'm not sold yet on Batista vs. Undertaker in a chair match. When I think of chair matches, I naturally think of Balls. Balls Mahoney vs. Masato Tanaka in the old ECW.
After this video, one can see why it was no shock that Vince killed off the original ECW on purpose.
What Smackdown needs right now is an overarching, dominant feud between two guys who hate each other. A Batista-Undertaker feud can hit that point. I'm not expecting these guys to be extremely violent in this match. What I am hoping for is a great start to an intensely personal feud. What this match doesn't need to be is an overly long, boring match and them doing two pansy chair shots. If Batista is supposed to be this extremely violent badass, then show it.
(credit to 2.bp.blogspot.com and youtube.com for pics)
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