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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: "Do Not Undermine Mother TNA, Comrades. TNAism Will Crush The Weak And Corrupt North!"
Nov 8, 2009 - 9:15:08 PM |
By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist
"Ain't the new sound
just like the old sound
just like the noose wound
over the new ground"
-"Ashes In The Fall" by Rage Against The Machine
"Comrades, it has come to our attention that there are certain...traitors in our midst. It has become evident during Mother TNA's existence that certain people are guilty of the fundamental error of exaggerating flaws of TNAism and trying to undermine the practices of our Party. Let me blunt, comrades. Such betrayal is unforgivable. Weakness will not be tolerated.
Look around you, comrades. For Mother TNA to crush the weak north, you comrades need to fully trust each other. One should be overjoyed in whatever role they have, since they are contributing to TNAism. It does not matter if you're a lowly X Division serf or a WWE star tsar, if you have 20 minutes of mic time babbling or just three minutes of being on screen, if you're involved in good storylines or "Abyssmal" ones, or if one week you're pushed to the moon and then the next nobody can remember your name. Such is the beautiful machinery of TNAism.
Weaklings are those who are guided by motives of selfish desires and place their interests of their goals higher than the interest of the Party. Do not question. It is your patriotic duty to fulfill your obligation to Mother TNA without question. Mother TNA must, and will, crush those weaklings up in the north.
Now, comrades, let's have some fun, eh? Let's sing a song! Come on, everybody!"
(Entire Roster): "In touch with the ground. I'm on the hunt, I'm after you. Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd. And I'm hungry like the woooooollllllllfffff"
Yes, "TNAism" is alive and well in TNA. You have to wonder why exactly that "Dixie Carter speech to the troops" was aired to viewers, seeing how Dixie basically said to her roster, "You don't like how things are run here? Fine. Get yer ass out of here." Plus, the thing was weird. Unless it was Dixie Carter who wrote Desmond Wolfe to say the line "I'm hungry like a wolf," I don't view her as the main person in power. In reality, the problem with TNA has usually been the booking, and the figurehead for all of the wackiness has been Vince Russo.
Don't worry. I'm sure TNAism is a group effort. I enjoyed the fact that for one Impact, TNA announced they were going to show footage of Hulk Hogan in a conference joining with Mother TNA and the ratings went down as the show went on.
-The possible Monday Night Wars II (I still think we're getting ahead of ourselves) might mean more if the DVR wasn't invented. Right now, I would change the channel to Monday Night Impact during...oh, let's say a guest host skit, a divas match, a video recap, and a lukewarm mid-card match. As for Monday Night Impact...holy crap, when do I turn the channel to Impact? It's two hours of overkill with the pacing and patience of a crack addict. Who knows what I'm going to get when I flip channels.
-We complained that there wasn't enough wrestling on the program. Mother TNA responds with eight matches typically on Impact. "Isn't that what you wanted?" Well, not really. Since the main focus is what happens after the match, which, not shockingly, involves pull-apart brawls. Last Impact, I saw more of TNA's security than I really needed to.
-It's good to know that the young talent is giving their thoughts about Hogan (instead of the other way around). This is important, because the same young talent are going to be the ones who help Hogan get out of his car and pre-chew his food.
Don't know why I'm making quips of fragile old man Hulkster. I've never had my leg broken by a sadistic trainer like Hiro Matsuda.
-Impact did a good job of pumping up the A.J. Styles feud with possible two backstabbing friends. Word is that the masked man is Tomko. Remember Tomko? There was a brief window in when many of us were thinking that TNA was going to seriously push him as a cool babyface. That never came to be (mainly because Tomko got bored with TNA and went over to Japan). How much faith do I have in Hernandez and Matt Morgan if they are getting owned by those boys from Dudleyville?
-Speaking about Team 3D, it would be mega scummy if the "Ray injures wrestlers" storyline was staged. There are certain lines that should not be crossed. TNA is smarter than this and hopefully it's just guys getting their brain scrambled by dangerous moves. That I can live with. But a horrible storyline? How awful!
-Jay Lethal has no shame.
-How long can the average TNA fan wait out the Hulk Hogan tease? One month? Two months? How long can you wait until Hogan shows up in the flesh? I would expect the upcoming PPV to feature a video bit of Hulk Hogan doing anything. Sitting on the toilet, whatever. "The Hulkster coming to TNA, brother! As soon as I can get off this toliet, brother! Help!"
-Is Raven going to be on the PPV? My Raven fanboydom is embarrassing at times.
-I don't know why Mick Foley keeps doing promos about a damn picture. Foley figures that fans sit on the edge of their seats following every intricate detail of his storylines and promos that typically involve words like "smorgsahboard." In reality, Foley goes from face to heel seemingly daily and I've stopped caring.
-Guess who's probably going to remain in the same spot this time around next year doing the same garbage matches in horrible never-ending feuds and acting like he has brain damage? Abyss. Oh, the goal here is to give Abyss the hardcore rub from Foley. Should Abyss garbage matches (yes I've turned on them) really be in the big leagues? I would be less critical if an Abyss feud wasn't soul-sucking.
-I wrote this awhile back: "Don't eff this McGuiness-Angle feud up, TNA." Guess what? TNA effed it up. It takes a certain skill to severely kill a hot new guy's cred in the span of one night. So he clotheslined the Redneck Santino. Yawn. Tenay: "Well folks, we have Angle on the phone to comment on this match. The match starts...and now it's over. What do you have to say, Angle?" Angle: "Cough. Uh, Wolfe's really scary. Or something. Cough." Then Wolfe spends half an hour on the mic. What is this? A Broadway play? And then the Wolfe lines: "mangle" and "I'm hungry like a wolf." Argh. I'm scared that when I buy the PPV, Wolfe will reference another cheesy 1980s hit. If Wolfe references a Huey Lewis & The News song, I'm done with him.
-Some guy who is still dressed up in a Halloween outfit tells us that he's a big loser in his best growly voice. The Suicide gimmick needs to go, pronto.
-I'm more impressed with the in-ring action of Amazing Red's than ECW's Yoshi Tatsu, but Yoshi gets featured way more than Amazing Red. There's something wrong here.
-TNA should really bring back the Nitro Girls. Or go with my idea of a stripper pole coming up in the middle of the six-sided ring. Awesome Kong, destroy these bimbos!
-Speaking about destroying bimbos, I can't wait till when Beth Phoenix rips a wrestler's leg off and beats her with it.
-A.J. Styles vs. Daniels wasn't the main event on Impact because TNA just can't figure out typically why the ratings for their main events drop off. It's a big mystery. Long live TNAism.
(credit to 2.bp.blogspot.com, slame.canoe.ca, media.photobucket.com, and evilbeetgossip.film.com for pics)
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com
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