Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

It's been a tough year for Randy Orton. John Cena keeps taking away his WWE Title. Triple H trashes his mansion. Shane McMahon beats him up after Orton wins the Royal Rumble. And the bookers keep castrating him. Geez, guys. All Orton wanted to do on the PPV was to conduct a scientific experiment: Could Cena survive a pyro blast? And Orton gets labeled "the spawn of Satan" because of it. It's not fair. I would have done the same thing.

So I was feeling for the guy. Luckily, the "Baby Oil Boys Club" (har har) bought Randy a race car with Randy's face plastered over it. I was convinced that Randy was seconds away from making out with the car image of himself by the way he was staring intently at it. But hey, we're being too hard on the guy. Orton had to set up how much he treasured that car before Krazy Kofi wrecked his ride. What else could he have done? Stare longingly at the tailpipe?

It was a good thing that NASCAR and WWE worked out a deal to get a ride. WWE's so cheap nowadays that they probably can't even afford Lincoln rentals. Word is that Plan B was a toy car. Orton: "You've got to be kidding me. I can't make this work." WWE: "Sure you can. Just start humping the tailpipe to establish that you treasure this extremely pricy car."

-Nice to see Kofi win his match against Jericho. You may remember that Kofi became the Intercontinental Champion for the first time over Jericho. I bet that the people over in WWE look at Kofi and all they can hear is, "cha-ching." Some guys only get the sound of pennies dropping (these are known as niche wrestlers, like a Kizarny).

Kofi vs. Legacy? Sounds good. Moment of the night was Kofi going apes--- on Randy's dandy NASCAR ride (about the only good thing that came out of the NASCAR guest hosts). Kofi was like Gordon Freeman from the "Half-life" video game: He had a crowbar and he was trying to kill "imaginary bugs." You know, Kofi might be psychotic. Remember those introductory videos? "Ah mon, just another day in paradise, mon. Watch me beat up this guy on the beach, mon. Boom boom! Ganja smokin!" He did that Jamaican routine for two years and it was all a lie. Now he's this "Pardon me, do you have any grey poupon?" character. Hmmm. But who cares!

Kofi handled himself well and the Kofi bit was the highlight of the night. We'll see if this bit is remembered in the same area of when John Cena showed up Kurt Angle (success) or when
Shelton "now I'm a blue-chipper" Benjamin got a pinfall victory on Triple H on a Raw (failure).

-A big buttload of propaganda for that "Raw vs. Smackdown" match. Turns out that Smackdown has bragging rights "for a year." What is this, Cal vs. Stanford? Lugging around that trophy seems more like a punishment. But hey, down the road that trophy is going to be destroyed (like with many trophies in wrestling). And the guy who made the trophy will cry. Come on, he worked hard on that.

It's like if the NFL pumped up the Pro Bowl to be this awe-inspiring, emotional, crazy affair. The concept PPV can work if there is a definite brand split with fire to it. Sometimes the concept of a match can overcome the match itself. This didn't happen.

-Big Show vs. Undertaker for the World Championship? Say it ain't so. Punk, where art thou? A lot of non-wrestling people do not understand why we watch wrestling. What they fail to realize that while we watch it for the "soap opera aspect" (and, I guess, wrasslin), we also watch it for the backstage dirt. I'm mainly looking forward to Smackdown to find out where C.M. Punk stands. Did he piss off WWE again? Are they punishing him for something he said? Did he give into his vices and get caught with a tailpipe?

-There are two Hunters. One sits in peace on top of a mountain. Old, peaceful, and wise, he is content with his legacy and prides himself on having a great mind for the management side of wrestling. The other Hunter is down below making butt jokes. I like fast food but I don't want it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't need to see Triple H every ten minutes hogging it up.

-Maybe Triple H likes Sheamus because the pale man has the Olde English goatee Trips used to rock?

-It's kinda sad that it's already accepted that a typical Raw guest host should have nothing to do with a microphone in their hands. WWE doesn't seem to care. "Sure, why the hell not? You butcher our superstars's names. You can't remember the PPV titles. And you have no idea what you're doing. Let's center skits around your entertaining ass." One would figure that Raw would have a better host than these two NASCAR jokers, considering that the Monday Night Football game was a stinker.

-I'm thinking that Hornswoggle should turn the tables and play pranks on the mighty, invincible DX. Since we're appealing to the kids anyway. After two weeks of silliness, DX confronts Hornswoggle in the ring. Oh boy, they're mad. But wait...DX isn't mad at all! Oh look, Jimmy, DX and Hornswoggle are laughing and smiling! How fun! Wait! Oh ... oh no! HBK just super-kicked Hornswoggle in the face! Vintage Shawn Michaels! Meanwhile Hunter is busy with a tailpipe of a car. Because I've mentioned the action thrice in this article and therefore the act of screwing a tailpipe is "over," so Hunter will use it. "Look at me! I'm so hip! I'm so cool! I'm so young! Screwing a tailpipe! None of the rest of the roster can do this! Only I can!"

-The comedy duo of Chris Jericho and Big Show keep rolling on. Big Show is doing his best Paul Blart work right now. Bonus points to you if you remembered that Big Show was on the Raw roster.

-"The Miz is .... awful" is a nice line. Kind of like how crowds would chant "You Suck" during Angle's entrance.

-Didn't Jack Swagger have an "I'm not going to lose a match the rest of the year" deal going on? Swaggah vs. Miz? People can't stand both of them. But Vince was right, Miz does have great legs.

-Melina legitimately breaking up in laughter with Santino was heartwarming.

-MVP and Mark Henry get thrown a bone with a victory over Legacy. I feel like MVP and Henry, or the tag team known as "The Under Reds" or the "Kool-Aid Kraps" should be doing something useful, like pimping D.J. Hero.

-Speaking about video games, Raw vs. Smackdown 2010 is a pretty sweet deal. It's no longer a rental, it's your new girlfriend. I'm digging the online community and the ability to download wrestlers, stories, and more. Heck, on Sunday night I played a story that mainly featured Michael Cole. I laughed hard when Cole beat up John Cena with a lead pipe and said, "Eat lead motherfudger." "I'm Michael Cole, biatches." Ahhh. Made me laugh.

-Batista gets pissed that his buddy Rey Mysterio let him down. We've all been there. Hell, once my roommate threw hot coffee at my stomach. In return, I bought him a racecar, which he immediately started to play with the tailpipe. These things happen. So obviously the heel turn of Batista still needs work done to it. Let's recap:

According to Jericho, we're all germ incubators.
According to Orton, we're all just mindless sheep.
According to Punk, we're all just gutless abusers.
According to Kofi, we're all just bugs who deserve to be smashed with crowbars. Don't bugs have the right to live, Kofi? Huh?

They could go the route of Dave going ultra-violent on fan favorite Mysterio, but perhaps something more is in order. And I have come up with a plan: One of us wrestling writers has to have their ass kicked by Batista.

Why? What's a six-letter word that starts with "I" and is usually associated with Batista? So much so that it's like the combo of peanut butter & jelly or Triple H & burial? Why, it's injury. Or, more to the point, "injury prone." Wrestling writers all around the world take their shots at Batista "for always getting hurt," for "being a boring wrestler," for sucking on the mic. There's a lot of venom against Dave.

I, for one, would like to say that I have always had a soft space in my heart for the big goof. Never once have I said a bad thing about him. Never.

Heck, why not have Dave destroy the entire staff and contributors? We can get a lot of free publicity out of this. I'll take a spinebuster if it means my articles will get more hits. Dave could beat up Triple H for Trips's "Dave is always hurt" line (remember?), but Trips is, of course, untouchable.

Just remember, protect your pet bugs from Kofi and give Orton a hug.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.