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By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Now Johnny he be having lots of women
Oh the reason he'd be smiling known to him"
-"Johnny Guitar" by Pearl Jam

-Captain Lou Albano will be missed. I remembered his involvement in the "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Pro Wrestling" (It's how I became a smarky internet wrestling fan! Along with that TV show "Wrestling's Secrets Finally Revealed!" Ha ha ha!). I even remembered that goofy Super Mario Bros show. I tried wrapping my goatee up with a rubber band in tribute, but I don't have the man hair to pull it off.

-Here's an interesting question: Do you believe that C.M. Punk will headline WrestleMania 26? I hear all of you Punk fanboys: "He should! He's the best in the world! You should have seen him in ROH! Smooch smooch smooch!" My answer? A "maybe." At WM 26, I'm thinking of Cena vs. Undertaker (new WM Streak vs. old WM streak), Triple H vs. HBK, Jericho vs. Edge...as you can see, I am leaving some people off of the list. Can't leave out Carlito (he's still employed by WWE? WTF?)

-Cryme Tyme and the Harts did what they have done 30 times before: Hart Dynasty worked the legs of Shad before JTG came in and "shaked the dice" with his hands. Highlight of the match, it was. Because I thought he was doing the "wanking" motion with his hand.

-I'm interested in a Batista DVD, but geez, I'll feel kind of foolish buying three of them. I remember the old days of WWF VHS tapes that lasted only an hour, but were to the point.

-Great bit with John Morrison and Da Miz. I re-watched it and felt it was good work by these two knuckleheads. They both seemed comfortable back on the Dirt Sheet. I liked this Smackdown due to the promo work by Chris Jericho and JoMizzy in large part because they understand that it's fun to laugh at heels when they say really false things. JoMizzy played the crowd. Bad thing about the bit? No love for Marty J. Geesh. Poor Marty. That aside, Morrison vs. Miz is the one Bragging Rights match that I am actually looking forward to the most. Check out some Dirt Sheet episodes on YouTube.

-Also funny that Jericho pimped DX's book...while saying it was a piece of trash. One of the things you learn when writing internet wrestling reports is that you never pimp other wrestling sites (for obvious reasons). It would be like me going, "You know who are degenerates? Those guys over at wrestlingfunnyballs.org. www.wrestlingfunnyballs.org is truly, truly horrible. Don't go to wrestlingfunnyballs.org. Watch as I shuck their content." (It's cool, I just made up that website). Negative points awarded to Jericho for ripping up the DX book like a pansy.

-Odd that one of the selling points of the Raw vs. Smackdown 7-on-7 doohickey at Bragging Rights is "which show has the best wrestling?" I watched the last Raw (from October 12) and I didn't see much "wrestling." Just two typical Raw mid-card duds, Jericho and Show playing pattycake, and a worn out main event involving the same cast of characters. The Bragging Rights PPV to me feels rushed, especially the Raw vs. Smackdown 14-man match. It's already known that nobody really cares who wins or who loses, so maybe these guys should be fighting for a copy of WWE's new wrestling videogame.

On the Raw side: DX, Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Cody Rhodes, and Mark Henry. On the Smack side: Chris Jericho, Kane, Mr. Ziggles, Eric Escobar, Drew McIntyre, and Cryme Tyme. Big Show and Cody Rhodes could play turncoat (come on, WWE, it's stupid for the character of Rhodes to fight alongside DX for the pathetic "which brand is better" after he got the sledgehammer / superkick combo at the last PPV). I would have thought that Ted DiBiase would have been featured on the Smack side (somehow) to fight Cody to pump up the "Legacy is breaking up" angle, but perhaps they want to keep Ted "The Angry Chipmunk" DiBiase face so that they can sell more copies of "The Marine 2."

Newbie Eric Escobar? All I know about him is that he does a mean chin stroke. I'm tempted just to call him "The Dude Who Is Managed By Vickie" from now on. Sure, he beat Matt Hardy. You know. Matt Hardy. Or as all of the Matt maniacs like to say, future world champion (phffffff). Escobar kind of reminds me of Armanda Estrada, the manager of U-u-u-umaga, who was last seen underneath the Los Angeles Freeway doing nerve holds for change. I'm not too fond of the cutesy name "Eric Escobar" and his "look at me, I have flair!" vest. Gavin Spears didn't need no stinkin' vest. He was a card player and he could kick your ass. I say to Mr. Escobar this: lose the chico goatee and drink 10,000 Diet Cokes. Then we can call you JBL, Jr.!

I'm going to ruin this match. Here we go: The Raw vs. Smackdown match is a grand ol' pie eating match. Which side has the best pie eaters? Aren't you dying to know? Two groups will go at it. On the Raw side, we have four middle-aged daddies along with their baby sons (whenever I look at Kofi, Cody, and Swagger, I feel like I should give them a blankie and a sippy cup). Triple H and Shawn Michaels, being a homosexual couple, have adopted Evan as their cute baby. Big Show had everything in the palm of his giant hands but never could quite reach the top of his profession. He tries to hide his pain through poking fun at himself. Show lives his dashed dreams through his son Jack Swagger. It's too bad that Swagger is dumber than a bag of hammers. Mark Henry and his son Kofi Kingston grew up in Texas, but Kofi is fascinated with the ganja and the Jamaican culture. Will they ever see eye to eye? Will Mark ever tell Kofi that his older brother was a prosthetic hand covered in goo?

On the Smackdown side, we have two stern but slightly delusional nuns running the downtown orphanage: Jericho and Kane (Biblical names, after all). And Dolph, Cryme Tyme, Drew McIntyre, and Escobar are all their orphans. They're going to stand up to those Raw upper middle class dads and sons. Dolph believes he's too good for this crummy Smackdown orphanage. Cryme Tyme are just happy to be along for the ride. McIntyre is a bad seed, and Escobar is only being brought along so that perhaps Kane can get some lovin' from Vickie. "See? I'm a good person. Look at him. He's not massacred or anything!"

This match would have worked for WCW vs. NWO or even the (shudder) WWE "Invasion" storyline. Heck, even when there was an actual, definitive brand split between Raw and Smack. What exactly of everlasting consequence will this match have? Will the winners mention the victory for a grand total of five seconds and then jump right into Survivor Series PPV hype?

-I would have liked it if the fatal-four way match at the PPV featuring Mark, Philip, David, and Oscar (sounds a lot less cool, doesn't it?) was a elimination match. It's down to...Rey vs. Undertaker. But instead we're left with the notion that Punk will pick up a "lucky win" (like all of Punk's TV victories) or that Undertaker will continue with his reign with old-school promos. Nice to see Undertaker cut a promo on Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji...wait. Well, he did one on Punk, the crooked ref and the spineless G.M., but this bit reminded me of old-school Undertaker feuds. Bring back the urn and everything's gravy. Well, except for the standard delusional Vince McMahon crap storyline we're subjected to every four months.

(credit to picamatic.com and fast1.onesite.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com


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