TAKE PWTORCH
WITH YOU! Get our iPhone App (FREE!): Click Here Or enter "PWTorch.com" on your Blackberry or other Smart Phone browser for mobile-version of PWTorch.
The Specialists
WARZECHA WIRE SERVICE: WWE set to run out of matches, closing down December 2010 (or "Good timing, Shane!") Oct 22, 2009 - 2:57:04 AM
WWE SET TO RUN OUT OF MATCHES, CLOSE DOWN, DEC 2010
Stamford, Conn.
WWE Business News Satire
World Wrestling Entertainment has decided to go out of business in December 2010.
"That's about as long as we can last," explained WWE CEO Vince McMahon. "You see there are only a handful of stars out there that can actually draw money and after that you are screwed. So we're going to do a couple more DX-squashes-everybody-on-the roster-programs, let Undertaker go undefeated at the last WrestleMania, squeeze another 15 PPVs out of this Orton-Cena feud, and that's it.
"I've heard the critics out there," he said. "They claim that WWE could just try to make new stars. It's just not possible in today's wrestling world. If you sit down with some of my current stars, like Chris Jericho, Cena, and Triple H, they'll explain it to you.
"The current batch of 'potential new stars' just can't get the job done. C.M. Punk? I don’t care about his large fan base and great performances, the guy just doesn't know how to dress on the road. Legacy? Those guys didn’t want to pay their dues in the territories. I know, I know, there are no more territories. But still, they could figure something out. And all the rest of the roster wants to do is play video games.
"I quit. It's over. Enjoy MMA. Yeah, I know. Most of you already are."
Marc Warzecha is a full-time professional comedian who has been a PWTorch Newsletter reader for nearly two decades. He now contributes feature-length satires once a month for PWTorch Newsletter, usually in the online-exclusive edition. His columns are roughly ten times longer than this and twice as hilarious.
[Vince McMahon art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch]
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
INCREDIBLE BENEFITS! Over 50 full-length audio updates per month (iPod compatible)... New weekly award-winning Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter (text and printable pdf versions) with latest exclusive insider news, new Torch Talks, great columns, Keller's cover story, much more... Hundreds of full-length back issues of PWTorch Newsletter from late-'80s to today... Ad-free access to PWTorch.com's Main Listing... VIP Forum with interaction with other subscribers and Torch staff... Torch Talk Library with text and audio of hundreds of interview installments from last 20 years... Great layout... Deepest archives on pro wrestling history anywhere... Keller's PWTorch Today PDF Bulletins with email alerts... VIP Email reports on major PPVs and TV shows... Staff Roundtable Reviews (text and audio) followiing major events... The best staff of writers and world class reporting since 1987... We'd love for you to join us and experience the most entertaining, authoritative, experienced staff of professional reporters and commentators in the business...
Compare the value of four or five months of PWTorch VIP content to the price of just one PPV. Can you cut 25 cents a day from your budget to make room for PWTorch VIP?
AND NEW FOR 2009! Monthly "Vintage Audio Torch Talks." We are releasing for the first time ever audio versions of our text Torch Talk updates, the historical first series of insider interviews ever. Wade Keller's newsmaking in-depth interviews with wrestling's biggest names are now being made available exclusively to VIP members. But you must be a member each month, as these are not archived, so they are replaced with a new one each month! This debuted in January 2009 with a 68 minute interview with the late "British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith. Who's next? Hulk Hogan? Eric Bischoff? The Rock? Goldberg? Jeff Hardy?
