WWE SET TO RUN OUT OF MATCHES, CLOSE DOWN, DEC 2010
Stamford, Conn.
WWE Business News Satire

World Wrestling Entertainment has decided to go out of business in December 2010.

"That's about as long as we can last," explained WWE CEO Vince McMahon. "You see there are only a handful of stars out there that can actually draw money and after that you are screwed. So we're going to do a couple more DX-squashes-everybody-on-the roster-programs, let Undertaker go undefeated at the last WrestleMania, squeeze another 15 PPVs out of this Orton-Cena feud, and that's it.

"I've heard the critics out there," he said. "They claim that WWE could just try to make new stars. It's just not possible in today's wrestling world. If you sit down with some of my current stars, like Chris Jericho, Cena, and Triple H, they'll explain it to you.

"The current batch of 'potential new stars' just can't get the job done. C.M. Punk? I don’t care about his large fan base and great performances, the guy just doesn't know how to dress on the road. Legacy? Those guys didn’t want to pay their dues in the territories. I know, I know, there are no more territories. But still, they could figure something out. And all the rest of the roster wants to do is play video games.

"I quit. It's over. Enjoy MMA. Yeah, I know. Most of you already are."

Marc Warzecha is a full-time professional comedian who has been a PWTorch Newsletter reader for nearly two decades. He now contributes feature-length satires once a month for PWTorch Newsletter, usually in the online-exclusive edition. His columns are roughly ten times longer than this and twice as hilarious.

[Vince McMahon art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch]

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