By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Dog ain't ever gonna break our pride
Ain't nothing you can do to keep us weak
And all of my soldiers come together
Get on your feet and get ready to bust...
What about this war against us"
-"What About Us" by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
 
-Bound for Glory looks semi-respectable. Here's the quick PPV run-down:
 
-Rhino yells the star-spangled banner to open the show: "AND THE ROCKETS RED GLARE CAME THE BOMBS BURSTINNNNNGGGGGGGARRRHHHHHH!!" He then passes out.

-X-Division Ultimate X Match: No love for Motor City Machine Guns or Lethal Consequences, as they don't get any air-time. Story of the match is the mystery behind the mask of Suicide. Amazing Red, who was once completely lost in the TNA booking forest, is suddenly X Division champion. Don West tries hard to fit himself a loose fitting Suicide outfit. Loads of crazy spots. You know the drill.

-Full Metal Standing Around and Hitting Each Other With Weapons Match: I remember Beer Money winning that Lethal Lockdown match when all of these dudes fought. I also remember that wins or losses mean zip in TNA. One word: pogo! Pogo! Pogo!

-Sarita and Taylor Wilde vs. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne: six minutes. Beautiful People win the match. Lacey Von "Dear Lord, she's worse than Rhaka Khan" Erich invites Scott Hall to show up during the match. The name Lacey Von Erich reminds me of the "Red Baron," Captain von Richthofen. However, the main difference is that Lacey is herself constantly crashing and burning.

-A dancing Rhino yells to go out to the concessions stands and pick up some treats: "LET'SSSS GO OUT TO THE LOBBY AND GET OURSELVES SOME SNACCCKKSSSS!!!!!!"

-Monster's Ball: No, not the movie you rented for that sex scene with Missus Berry. It's the knockoff Mankind vs. the original Mankind. Problem I have with this match is Stevie Richards as special ref. I'm not real excited about seeing Foley getting busted open or TNA mucking up a simple hardcore match with special guest ref stupidity.

-Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Lashley: I'm thinking of how TNA will botch up a simple submission match. Lashley gets the win and then goes off to MMAland, leaving Joe in worse shape. Makes sense.

-Kevin Nash vs. Hernandez vs. Eric Young for the TNA Legends Title: Uh, sure, why the hell not? Maybe the crowd can get a nice "Fire Eric Young" chant going. Nash picks up a paycheck to spend on his toy train collection. And Hernandez keeps messing around with chumps and a near-worthless title next month.

  -Rhino yells out the seventh inning stretch. "TAKEEEEE MEEEEE OUTTTT TOOO THEEE WRESTLING....huff...huff...RINNNNGGG...."

-Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan: Well, I guess. I mean, if Angle got nothing else better to do on this Sunday. And if there's not a good repeat of "The View"...I'll go with Morgan getting a win after a run-in by a fan who Angle dumped milk on back in 1999. That makes sense in TNA, right?

  -Rhino yells at Dixie Carter and then gores Vince Russo in the ring to the sound of massive applause. Bravo, Rhino. Bravo.
 
-A.J. Styles vs. Sting: Sorry, but I got bored with Styles and Sting's hallmark movie muckiness. Styles wins this thing. Tears are shed, goodbyes are said. Sting walks off into the sunset.
 
Next Impact: Super-Mex wants the gold. Styles plays the coward. You know the drill here too. Styles wearing dumb outfits, drinking chocolate milk, and farting under tables. Go get him Super Mex!
 
(credit to slam.canoe.ca for pic)

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt