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ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Smackdown: The Rock to star in "Karate Dog 2," Hell in a Cell PPV Preview (What Mikey Cole Will Say), What's missing in SvR 2010
Oct 3, 2009 - 11:25:43 AM
"Overwhelmed you chose to run
Apathetic to the stunned
It's your decision...
No one plans to take the path
that brings you lower
And here you stand before us all
and say it's over"
-"Your Decision" by Alice In Chains
-The Rock might be coming to Raw? Get out of town. The "I'm too good for wrasslin" diva? Cool beans. If Rock will be guest hosting Raw, I want non-stop Rock. Start, middle, and end of the whole damn show. Him beefing with all the top stars. New Rockisms. Old Rockisms. Retrospective Rockisms. Video Rock Recaps. Guest announcer for the Divas match. Guest ref for the Horny-Chavo program. Commercials starring the Rock. Total Nonstop Rock.
Let's soak up the Rock before he goes off and stars in "Karate Dog 2." ("What, Scruffy? You're a talking dog who has a third-degree black belt? Can you help me, a washed-up MMA fighter, get back on my feet and win the belt?")
Why all the Rock hoopla? It's been a long while where I've been overtly excited about a big event happening in professional wrestling (sorry, the creation of World Elite doesn't cut it). Heck, it's been a long time since WWE played to the casual (and non-casual crowd) with a person that wasn't embarrassing, but is actually viewed as cool. In the ring, I'm getting mostly formulaic matches while old dinosaurs still romp about. WWE likes to serve up storylines that will gain the most money, damn any sort of logic or character history. That's why I broke up with Randy Orton: he's already WWE's plaything.
-Speaking about Orton, many people were pissed off about what went down on Raw. But you can see what WWE was shooting for. If you're eight-years-old, you're probably crying at the TV because those no-good meanies Jericho and Big Show were hurting Cena. It's not fair. But wait! Hooray! Cena's got that coward Orton locked in a cell! Yes! He did the Attitude Adjustment! That move is the most powerful move ever! I'm going to buy the PPV! Maybe they'll fight on top of the cell again!"
It's the same tactic that a lot of Hell in the Cell matches use: "Pay to see evil Shawn Michaels have nowhere left to hide! He'll be punished for his sins!" Don't ask me why Orton is so damn willing to shed his credible heel character into playing the coward. I would have a bigger problem with how Raw ended, but consider the Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton debacle and it doesn't seem that awful. That's one of the main problems of catering to kids: sometimes WWE tends to forget about the rest of us with fully developed brains. So they get lazy.
-Some things to point out about WWE's Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 according to their previews...
-Like in real life, when you Ric Flair chop a guy in the chest a lot, the other guy will have a big red splotch on his chest. This red splotch is the same if you shot him in the chest with a paintball gun. Weird.
-Like in real life, when a rival comes in to interfere, you will have plenty of time to land your finisher and win the match as your rival will lumber to the ring with the speed of the Great Khali. Or better yet, your rival will not enter the ring and just jaw with the ref. You can also in some cases go outside the ring to meet him and your rival will do nothing. Odd and buggy. Didn't 1999 No Mercy have this "Rival Interference" done pat?
-Like in real life, you can be the booker and write lines like "not the cheeks, but the center part" and "Enus Enus Enus!" for your top stars.
-Like with any other fighting game, there's no HUD to see on the screen. Want to know how badly your guy is hurt? Squint your eyes and locate the ring underneath your wrestler.
I'm just bitter that there hasn't been news about sixaxis motion control for the divas's breasts. It's all about the jiggle. That's the future for sad video gamers like myself. Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 has it, THQ! Get with the program! Damn, my arms hurt from playing that game all week. Ow.
The main thing I'm looking forward to in this game is the "Road to WrestleMania." This should be a staple out of every WWE SvR, since it makes the game definitely worth playing.
-TNA quick note: Odd that an Impact ended not with A.J. Styles vs. Sting (in which nobody believes either Styles or Sting in their respective lame Hallmark movie storyline angles), but with the out of nowhere Abyss vs. Mick Foley because, well, you want to see guys beating up each other for no damn good reason, right? We show it on every one of our PPVs. The show was titled "The one with the broken picture." Something's definitely broken, all right. Man, wrestling right now is stinky. Save us, Rock! That's a movie idea right there!
-Here's a quick WWE Hell in the Cell PPV preview, which consists of three monster matches sprinkled in with buffer matches. Typically after a Raw PPV match, Mikey Cole will wrap up the story of the match in a cute quote. Here is what I think would be the "wrap up line" of every match of the PPV if Mikey Cole called every one...
-Mickey James vs. Alicia Fox. Cole: "Alicia was game, but Mickey proved why she is the women's champion, despite interference from Beth Phoenix."
-Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Batista and Rey Mysterio for Undisputed Tag Team Titles: "Batista and Rey Mysterio are more dominant than ever in their return, and their winning of the tag team titles solidifies that fact."
I don't put a lot of trust of how Chris Jericho and Big Show can't show up on Raw even if they did lose the titles. You've got a guest host on Raw who frankly doesn't appear to be in charge of anything. There's nothing stopping Jericho and Show running in during a Raw Batty-Mysterio tag team match and kicking their ass. Simple way of having a unique feud in three weeks before the PPV.
-Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger for U.S. Title: "It was indeed trouble in paradise for The Miz, and Kofi Kingston still remains the United States champion after a impressive display." (Miz and Swagger team up to screw with Kofi the following month.)
-John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental Title: "His name is Dolph Ziggler, and he is the new Intercontinental Champion." (Ziggler picks up a dirty win.)
-DX vs. Legacy: "Ha ha ha...I can't believe...DX forced Cody to kiss Ted's .... oh man! Legacy took DX to the limit, but DX proved why they still are the most dominant tag team blah blah blah..."
WWE can go the route of HBK letting his side down with nearly losing (or losing) the match, thus setting up a possible HBK vs. Triple H feud. But I don't see DX losing here. "Wait, DX submitted last month? And they lost a Hell in a Cell match to these two cabana boys? Are they retiring tomorrow?" Would be a hell of a thing if DX did lose. Here's hoping that they do, because unless WWE finds the fountain of youth, they need to pump up new stars.
-C.M. Punk vs. Undertaker: "I can't believe it! Punk has cheated his way again into retaining the World Heavyweight championship!"
It's been a disappointing feud so far. Punk has "Prohibition Rules" now? Ugh. WWE hasn't exhausted Undertaker's cheesy magic show tricks yet (now apparently a Smackdown staple), so I see Punk retaining.
-John Cena vs. Randy Orton: "Not even the Chinese Army could have stopped Cena tonight in his quest to reclaim the WWE championship."
Seriously. The hype for SuperCena is overwhelming. SuperCena could win the match by just staring at Orton and turning Orton into a pile of ash. Orton's has had his nuts cut off so much this year that he just slaps some duct tape to keep them in place. Would like to see them play up the angle of how far Cena will go to get the title, even causing some fans to question Cena's tactics. But that would be a grown-up angle, and WWE doesn't cater to grown-ups. So prepare as Cena goes Jack Bauer on Orton's ass and shows up on Raw with a new color scheme but the same goofy attire.
(credit to karateworld.com and my360.com for pics)
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