By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away"
-"I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly

-I'm guessing that they're hiding the truth that Mr. Jarrett can fly, considering just how damn awesome the man is. The power of flight. Is there anything Mr. white jeans can't do?

-Before Superstars, WGN America had "America's Funniest Home Videos" and after some family-friendly entertainment, "American Gladiators" followed. Drink Stacker 2. Before Impact, Spike TV showed "Star Wars: Episode IV" and after some Abyss screaming for two hours, people on their fourth beer got to watch convicts doing wacky things inside prisons. Stacker 2 is good for you.

What can we gain from this? WWE likes to cater to little tykes who are stuck back in the late '80s/early '90s, and TNA likes to cater to nerds with violent tendencies. Stacker 2 is awesome.

-Kurt Angle's got a new look. He looks like a bum. Stacker 2 is endorsed by Kurt Angle, so you too can become an Olympic gold medalist by drinking Stacker 2. People who are still watching Impact (bless their sad hearts) have made comparisons that Angle is looking a bit like Jason Stratham. Vin Diesel on a three-month bender. Max Payne in Max Payne 3. I'm going with comedian Dave Attell, a.k.a. Captain Miserable. Dave Attell drinks Stacker 2 because he's cool, dudes. Angle might be trying to look like Zach Galifanakis, but he's got a long way to go. Whatever happened to my Olympic hero who had a brown haircut and the catchphrase, "It's true! It's true!" What happened to you, Mr. Angle?

And apparently we're back to Total Nonstop Angle on Impact. Stacker 2 can make you be like Kurt Angle. You know that kinda big thing of Joe joining MEM after vowing to destroy them all? Turns out it was Jenna who paid him off to not kill the rest of MEM (so that's why she's still around...oh. That and her never-ending why-the-duck-is-this-still-going-on feud with Sharmell).

-Gee, Joe. You seem to play only two roles in TNA: a greedy dumbass who only wants money or a violent dumbass who kicks over little kids' sand castles on the beach while wearing gaudy outfits. It's almost like you always want to play the chump. Drinking Stacker 2 improves your odds in not becoming a chump.

-Angle vs. Foley at the next PPV? Pass. Know what you shouldn't pass? Stacker 2. Pack the stack!

-Nash is apparently going to fight A.J. Styles for the Legends Championship. Good luck with that. Stacker 2 cures genital herpes, which the "controversial" Nash has. That last sentence is probably true. Styles's lofty goal in TNA right now appears to be how many cookies he can fit into his mouth backstage: "Mmmphf! Seven, Mr. Jarrett!"

Jarrett: "Ha, ha (strokes his chin). Real good, kid. Now watch as I spread some Jarrett all over the TNA audience. The Founder of TNA never submits. Oh, yeah."

-Coupled this with Abyss screaming right into the camera. Because we do not view him as an idiot enough. Lauren's main gig on Impact lately is being threatened to be killed, raped, or killed and raped. Damn, girl. Drink some Stacker 2 and you will gain self-confidence to fight off that ponytail pervert. Yay, Abyss. Go do some violent stuff to Stevie. Can you care about a storyline that already sickens you? TNA believes so. Stacker 2 is not at all sickening to drink.

-If you were trying to prove to somebody who claimed that wrestling was just idiotic trash designed for losers, you wouldn't use this Abyss bit to prove them wrong. How could you? Watch the Abyss yelling into the camera again. It might as well be Dixie Carter yelling into the camera for how stupid it was.

Actually, that's one hell of an idea. Can I see that on Spin Cycle? I would like to see Dixie doing a typical Abyss promo and then turning around and talking about how TNA respects me as a wrestling fan. "Boy, doing all that pointless yelling sure got me thirsty. Oh, I have a Stacker 2 Energy Drink right here in my pocket. Mmmm. So smooth."

-Stacker 2 called up those TNA boys and told them to make that damn Stacker 2 logo in the ring more prominent and larger. Till the point I think where all of the Stacker 2 plugging in the show affected my brain. But I don't think it is noticeable BuyStacker2BuyStacker2BuyStacker2 at all in the article.

Okay...you see, I've made a deal with Stacker 2 Energy Drinks to plug their product in the Absurdity Articles. Don't look at me like that. I need to get paid. You'll get used to it, just like you're already used to it while watching Impact. It's a win-win, I say.

-How's the view from up there, Mr. Jarrett?

(credit to fortunecity.com, media.photobucket.com, media.collegepublisher.com, ecx.images-amazon.com, img.thesun.co.uk and researchpark.arc.nasa.gov for pics)

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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