By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

" The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest"
-"The End" by The Doors

-I've been mulling over what's more sad: Shelton Benjamin's "Yoshi-san, look out! Godzilla!" offensive promo or that his fake Japanese insulting voice was much better than his robotic, droning normal voice. Yep, it was not the right tone to start off the new ECW.

How did Yoshi respond by having somebody insult his nationality? He kicked him in the head. Just respond in sadistic violence when somebody makes fun of ya, kids.

Truth be told the segment could have been a lot worse. Yoshi could have pulled a bucket of KFC fried chicken out of the ring. That way WWE can insult people and compel them to buy! Genius!

And in case you missed it, Yoshi pinned Shelton-san after one kick to the head. I've convinced that WWE's booking staff makes their decisions nowadays by tossing cards into a hat or flipping quarters.

Yoshi. A guy that could be future endeavored three months from now gets a win over Benjamin. The plan was here to put Yoshi some cred, but at the expense of the dwindling reasons (e.g. Benjamin) to watch ECW now.

Know who Benjamin wouldn't do the faux Japanese bit to? Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, one of the coolest bad guys in the movies. Damn straight. Benjamin would try to do his bit while pissing down his leg and then Tagawa would snap his neck with cool, calm grace.

-Sometimes I thank my little DVR. After a little taste of Washington's game, I skipped right through it. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat listening to what the bumbling Bellas have to say.

I'm guessing that Washington is supposed to be a jackass who points out all of WWE's flaws in their wrestlers and such forth, but hell, we already know that. Know what was missing out of this bit? "Entertainment."

Abraham Washington's head is so shiny; it looks like he dunks his head into a bowl of toilet cleaner before walking out of the curtain. Some would compare him to Jonathan Coachman, but Coach would drop his pants or dance the Charleston with Rock. So far Washington has the innate ability to be worse than your local news sports announcer. Not the best plan put in place. Seriously, why are the Bellas employed when 10 percent of our nation is not?

Sorry if watching girls bicker over frivolous stuff is not how I spend Tuesday nights. I can go down to my local Taco Bell for such entertainment. And watching Abraham is like watching somebody open a can of beans by using their teeth. You wish that they would just give up.

-I feel sorry for those who watch ECW on HD TVs, as Sheamus's blinding white skin burned my eyes. Do like his finishing move and his groovy mustache. I'm calling it the "Sheanusator." Regarding the white dude, it's like asking to take one of the Highlanders seriously. Next WWE will show him drinking ale and getting his Scottish on.

Because you see, everyone in the world is just a stereotype! That's all we are! I'm from California! So I'm like John Morrison and T-Rex! I'm a dumb movie star who goes surfing! Hang ten! Ride the big one, dude!

-Continuing with WWE's dumbness, William Regal couldn't understand a word of what Kozlov was saying. Regal: "Why don't you speak American, damnit?" Kozlov: "Why don't you learn other people's languages and stop looking at me like I'm from Mars?"

I blame WWE for not making this bit offensive like their opening of the show. They could have shown Kozlov drinking vodka and Regal with a set of fake rotting teeth asking Kozlov if he would like some tea and crumpets, governor. Righty-o.

-Taylor Reks, a.k.a. T-Rex, a.k.a. the hipper version of that afro dude with the white towel (you see, WWE doesn't fire characters, they replace them, because certain wrestling characters respond well with several test groups in their testing labs hidden deep underground their headquarters). T-Rex is from So-Cal. And apparently he memorized his conversation with Zack Ryder, who, God help us, actually seems sort of cool compared to the rest of these FCW bozos.

"So I'm from So-Cal and I like riding waves and I watch you all the time because I'm not a stalker or lonely and like we should have a beach blash involving beach boards and sand in the crack because the bookers of the show don't have anything better to do I mean did you see the Abrahams segment they should really go back to three or two shows anyways I'll see you later T-Rex is amped over such a ankle breaker of a match you are just a gremlin, bro." Apparently the west has better beaches than Long Island does. Ryder disagrees.

Long Island has the best beaches? How can a beach be the best when the ground is covered with dirty needles and used diapers? Come over to the west, Ryder. We shoot each other with water pistols filled with tequila on our beaches. Our beaches are clean, man. Honest.

-I know. Too much stereotyping going on. WWE is just serving the beast. Santino was perhaps the biggest stereotype of them all. People laughed and guffawed. But then he became a tranny and the laughter went away.

-They got rid of Kozlov's tighty-whities, which at least shows some progress. Maybe now he is up to taking over a county district.

-There's got to be more than this. In the span of three days it can be argued that WWE has pushed the wrong people while burying the right ones. Time will tell if they were right all along, but from a booking and execution standpoint, this is junk WWE is serving up.

Oh, well. T-Rex and Ryder are going to have a beach blast. It's gonna be boss, fer sure, dude. It's gonna be vintage.

ECW'S VERDICT: A HUGE BITCHIN PILE OF STINKING ABSURDITY, DUDE

(credit to filmdope.com, guardianecostore.co.uk, 3.bp.blogspot.com and community.allhiphop.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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