|
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL: Mark Henry Returns From His Time Machine, Monday Night Raw Wants To Be Like Saturday Night Live, Why "Proven Commodity" Reigns Supreme
Jun 30, 2009 - 10:47:57 PM |
By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist
"But the race ain't to the swift or the strong, the wise or the rich
But to them they can endure to the end and win"
-"Conservations" by Snoop Dogg
-Want to know why Randy Orton wears kneepads? It's because he spends so much time on his knees begging for mercy.
There's always a fine line when playing a coward. Many guys are hesitant to do it. It's because if you go too far over, fans will start to see you as a worthless chump who is not worth playing money to see. While it is true in the wrestling world that all heels are cowards at heart and have no qualms in cheating to win, there at times need to remain some toughness to them.
-Which brings me to this point: Other than the 15-man trade, one of the most discussed segments about Raw was big lumbering Mark Henry standing tall and doing his evil laugh over a prone Orton. Come to think of it, Randy Orton only has two states:
(1) Standing at the top of the ramp sneering and acting moody
(2) Lying prone while Triple H/Mark Henry/Shane McMahon/Bastion Booger/Michael Cole stands top over them.
While it is true that begging for mercy gets a reaction from the crowd ("C'mon, Henry! Hit him!), too often in 2009 have we seen Orton play the total, gutless coward. "It's for the kids," they say. I hate that damn excuse.
-Did Mark Henry deserve that sort of push? It's hard to tell. Mark Henry has seemed to be wrestling for WWE since Shane McMahon was a zygote. Dude been there a long time. And the only things I would put on the Henry Highlight reel was him getting down with a tranny and Mae Young giving birth to a prosthetic hand. Those are the sort of moments that bury you.
Other than his solid work with Matt Hardy during Hardy's time as ECW champion (somewhat sad to see how quickly Matt Hardy dropped in terms of hype), Mark Henry is the dude who's big...and eats a lot. I think time actually stopped during his plodding feud with Finlay, and Henry did a great job of squashing whatever hype Evan Bourne had going for him at the start of 2009.
So why push Mark Henry as beating the WWE champion while talent like Christian, Jack Swagger, The Miz, MVP, Kofi Kingston, and Evan Bourne are all left out? The key phrase here is "proven commodity" (Christian is stuck in ECW and he ain't ever coming out, due to VKM's pettiness).
It's the equivalent to Hollywood movies. A big-time movie company might take a risk and put out a movie that is daring and unique. But it's a risk. It's a much safer bet to crank out another sequel to a franchise, damn whether the quality is sub par. It will rake in money.
But can Mark Henry draw? Sorta. We're talking middle-tier with occasional treks into main event status (Undertaker vs. Mark Henry in really any shape or form). Nobody gives a real damn about him, but then again, people have never gave a damn about Khali. And guess who WWE loves? Khali! Wow look how big he is! He's so big! Where's my wallet, I've got to see how big he is in real life! Big! Big! Big!
I don't know what they have in store for Henry. I don't know if this is yet another dumb move by WWE, which is racking up dumb moves by the truckload lately. Most likely he would become a face, but then again, this is wrestling. Trump could re-buy Raw again. Coming back as Sexual Chocolate 3000? Dy-no-mite.
-There are such "franchise movies" wrestlers WWE has. Most namely are John Cena and Triple H, who might as well be robots considering the dull, plodding nature of their storylines that lack true soul. Instead of trying something new, it seems that WWE is too content in plugging in the same old baloney.
A typical Chris Jericho program doesn't need 7,000 watt searchlights or home invasions to make people care. By contrast, Jericho vs. Mysterio has depth to it and isn't cookie-cutter monotony much like Cena vs. Show or Orton vs. Trips.
-Another thing about Raw...Jack Swagger accepting a ten-count. Many people complained that this was a dumb move by Swagger. I'm betting that when Swagger heard that he was going to take a ten-count in order to get chummy with Randy Orton, he probably cringed.
But the main demographic of Raw is little tykes. And thus, many things have to be simple. Ready to be put into epic video packages that make you cream your pants when watching because they're just so awesome.
Did it have to go down like that? One possible scenario would involve Swagger kicking Orton's ass and pinning him...but WWE apparently doesn't want to give that big of a push to Swagger (they'll rather give it to Sexual Chocolate...we're talking WWF Attitude Era folks).
If you're trying to impress a ruthless gang lord, you don't play patsy with him. You show that you have a sack. But considering how Mark Henry was going to be the bigger deal, WWE felt that they should go the "simple route" and have Swagger leave Orton alone, while proclaiming that he wanted to be Orton's buddy. Awww.
-I wrote a while back that Raw was probably going to have a special "summer draft" to keep from sinking. I don't get why the CEO of an organization has to abide by the stipulations put in place by Trump, but bless their hearts for trying to keep things realistic.
-As far as Evan Bourne goes...that Evan Bourne vs. Tyson Kidd feud never did materialize on ECW. Bourne will probably be involved in a lot of four minutes matches, along with joining the face team on inevitable WWE's "Lakers vs. Nuggets" matches. Most obvious place to put Bourne would be in a feud with Kofi.
-Yeah, Gail Kim pretty much disappeared. Maybe WWE needs to bring back writers who specialize in strippers and potty humor to make the women's division relevant again. I think that Beth Phoenix is the witness protection program after her departure with Santino.
-The Mattitude goes back to Smackdown to basically replace Shelton Benjamin. Matt started off the year hot, then cooled down during the time of the "broken hand" bit. They even put him with William Regal at one point. Guh.
-I liked how Vince McMahon tricked fans that WWE was going to refund their tickets. I'll rather take a jerk who mocks you than a snake who tells soothing lies (e.g. Madoff).
-Batista: "Randy Orton! I'm going to put you in a three-on-one handicap match! Because I know how much you like threesomes!" If WWE was back targeting the frat boy crowd, this is what Batty would have said. Plus a hella of a lot more gay jokes. Like every other sentence.
-Right now Miz could face Show or be involved in the United States Championship free for all match doohickey at Night of Champions. Somebody wake me when the character of Cena becomes even remotely relevant again.
-Wouldn't mind seeing Jericho and Edge defend their tag team belts on Raw...occasionally. I have no interest in the team of Carlito/Primo, since they are not seen as on the level of Jericho and Edge (much like how MVP is not seen on the level of Triple H or Miz on the level of Cena...thanks, WWE. You sure have a lot of chumps as wrestlers).
-The "Guest General Manager" that the evil Trump put in could go somewhere (Vince: "My hands are tied! Here's our reason for implausible changes! Damn you, Trump!"). I'm guessing that Trump ordered all male wrestlers to wrestle in skirts, Vince Mr. CEO of WWE McMahon couldn't overrule it. Somebody stop all of this "VKM" madness going on.
-Next week is Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man as G.M. One or two backstage skits involving Legacy yada yada yada. It depends on who is the special guest host. Ted DiBiase is not going to compel people to call up their friends to check out Raw, but Ric Flair or even Stone Cold (I know, we Stone Cold fans just can't let go) would get eyeballs. So far the "special guest host" isn't such a bad idea, considering how Raw has no current over-arching storyline.
I'm hoping that WWE stays away from celebrity hosts, as I do not have faith in how much pull they have in that regard. Right now, WWE would be lucky to get Tom Arnold. Raw could turn out to be the Saturday Night Live with celebrity guest hosts. They could come in, plug their movie or music project, butcher some lines, and be off for the night. So if they go in that direction, here's hoping that they get people who are, you know, actually relevant and have at least some knowledge about the product: "I'm hosting WWF Raw Is War! How fun! Tell me, where's The Rock?"
'Till next time, make sure that the cockles of your heart remain warm.
RAW'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity
(credit to bodyslamming.com, ramasscreen.com, and tonicgossip.com for pics)
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA...
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE -
PROWRESTLING.NET
For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM
Upgrade to PWTorch VIP:
DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO (rates now as low as $2.99/month)
| More Recent The Specialists Articles |
 3/16 WWE NXT Hits & Misses: Wins/Losses, Gabriel & Hardy vs. Young & Punk, Still No Format Explanation |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: Where's Samoa Joe?, How Did The Nastys & Spike Get On TV?, Destination X - "Wait, It's This Sunday?" |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: USA Network Censors Stone Cold & Blood, Mega Legacy Explodes, Stone Cold Gives John Cena The Ring? |
| 3/15 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Sheamus, Triple H vs. Orton, Legacy, Contract Signing |
| 3/12 WWE Smackdown Hits & Misses: Punk Sings, McIntyre in MIB, Truth vs. Miz, Highlight Reel |
| GARDNER'S KEY MOMENT OF THE WEEK: TNA needs to re-evaluate its marketing strategy vs. WWE Raw after March 8 ratings results |
| VALENTINO'S MAGIC, MEMORIES, AND MANIA: Top 10 Shawn Michaels matches - vs. Undertaker, Bret Hart, Razor, Triple H, Flair, more |
| 3/11 WWE Superstars Hits & Misses: Marella vs. Ryder, The Sleeper, MVP & Christian vs. Carlito & Guerrero |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Sting To Rampage Other Van Dams, NXT Rookies Power Rankings, Why WWE Isn't Marketing Mr. 1.9, Fear Edge's Love Tackle |
| 3/9 WWE NXT Hits & Misses: Miz - Bryan, Chris Jericho, Justin Gabriel |
| 3/8 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Undertaker - Michaels, Legacy vs. Orton, McMahon vs. Cena |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE Raw: Everybody's Favorite Oily Psycho Randy Orton, Triple H Stars In "WrestleMania Mid-Card Match," Jack Swagger A Very Excited Toddler |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: TNA's "Yes Blood" Policy, Bischoff To Inject Steroids Into X Division, Brooke's "24" Audition, Sting Is Still Beating Up RVD |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - Monday Night Countdown: Five Reasons You'll Check Out Impact, Court-Ordered Wrestling Matches, Stone Cold Salvages Bret-Vince Wreck |
| GARDNER'S KEY MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Overview of WWE NXT after two weeks |
| 3/5 WWE Smackdown Hits & Misses: McIntyre's Streak, Ziggler vs. Benjamin, Gallows vs. Mysterio |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - TNA Impact: Abyssmania Rages On, Heel A.J. Styles Promotes Video Game, N.J. Nets Tix More Valuable Than X Title, Hogan's Greatest Enemy Revealed |
| ABSURDITY OF IT ALL - WWE NXT & Superstars: Carlito Kills Household Plants, Knox Needs Hogan, WWE Tries To Get Hip With NXT |
| 3/4 WWE Superstars Hits & Misses: Kingston vs. Guerrero, Blood Rule, Jericho vs. Goldust |
| DONOFRIO: Five Reasons TNA could fail or suceed on Monday nights |
(c) 1999-2010 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved. |
