By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Ode to Umaga"




Oh Umaga
You came and went
You were a mid-card monster
That had some potential
But you never really went anywhere
And now you're future endeavored
Your manager used to keep cheap cigars
Called you the Samoan Bulldozer
Last month you learned how to speak English
You had so much going for you
Your nerve holds were horrible
But your Samoan drops were sweet
You weren't half bad in your feud with Trips and Jeff
We cheered for you when you beat the crap out of Santino
Now that you're fired
You'll finally sit on Vinnie
Oh Umaga
Maybe now that you're future endeavored
You'll get a haircut
And graduate from an online college in a degree in communication
But in our hearts
You'll always be speaking gibberish
And forever locked in time
Doing a nerve hold

----------------------

Hi, this is Chris Sabin. You know, when I'm not playing video games, I am encouraging fans to turn off their brains when watching the King of the Mountain match. You fans tend to nitpick at things. You analyze too much. Just turn your brain off and everything will be fine. (Background on Sabin's KOTM rules explanation.)

The King of the Mountain Match rules are simple:

Before the match, competitors will draw a lotto ball that are in two colors: hot pink and puke green. If it is hot pink ("yes"), the competitor will have to move up and down on one leg. They must do so for a determined amount of time "voted in" by our fans. At every 30 seconds, a TNA wrestler will run in and will try to handcuff a wrestler. If the wrestler fails to do so in an allotted time, that very wrestler will have to walk to the back completely buck-ass naked.

Those who are handcuffed can be unlocked by keys that are inside hanging pinatas. To get these keys, watermelon launchers are placed in locked boxes. To get the keys to unlock the watermelon launchers to shoot down the piñatas to get the keys that unlock the handcuffs, the wrestlers will have to run over to Don West and fish around in his underwear for the keys (and any other special place West chooses). It is quite a challenge to aim a watermelon launcher while handcuffed, so we urge the audience to watch out for melons. Oh, also in the piñatas with the usual candy and poisonous spiders are fake keys. Competitors will have to be careful when unlocking their handcuffs, as each handcuff has a tiny thermal nuclear bomb in it. If the wrong key is inserted, bam! They just got future endeavored!

The goal of the match is to grab the title hanging up in the air. However, the belt will be randomly lowered and raised by a baby at the helms of the controls. The ladders themselves will be slicked with oil to make things interesting. If somebody gets pinned, they are forced to spin around in a circle really, really fast. They will also have to pour hot cocoa down their tights and sing "Holy Balls of Fire" in a girly voice. If wrestlers step inside the "danger zone" that is marked inside the ring by plastic cones, they will have to chug a Stacker2 Energy Drink that are strewn around ringside. If they vomit from drinking Stacker 2 (which is common), they will have do their best Cody Deaner impression. There will be a group of Olympic judges at ringside judging the Deaner Impression. A "6" or lower means that the wrestler has to give themselves a purple nurple and start over again.

Once somebody does get the title, they have to climb back down, make somebody submit, then throw the same title belt into the crowd. That same wrestler will have to go into the crowd and retrieve the belt in order to climb back up the ladder and re-strap the title. If this belt is touched by another wrestler on their butt, the whole process will start over. North Korean dictator Kim Jong is your special guest ref. Adam Lambert is your special guest enforcer. The ghost of Walt Disney is the big daddy who rules over both the special ref and enforcer.

Oh, and also, there is a five-minute time limit until a magnitude of blow-up dolls are released and fall into the arena.

You see? Simple!

(credit to cdn-write.demandstudios.com and fiesta-pinatas.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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