By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue"
-"Young, Dumb & Ugly" by Weird Al Yankovic

Opening video tease:

-Foley wants to only defend his title once a year. Unlike his previous engagement, which was once every month ... which rounds up to be ... 12 times a year. Whoa.

-Eric Young becomes evil. Or something. Five months from now he'll be in a tag team with Cody Deaner.

-Angry chef Shane Douglas attacks Daniels for not liking his broccoli pancakes.

-Joe: "I've been ordered to systematically take you out one by one." No kill threats, Joe? Lame.

Shane Douglas, apparently wearing the same outfit he wore last week (yes I know, these shows are pre-taped in bunches), talks to Lauren. The evil chef laughs.

Bit ends with how these bits always end. Lauren or Borash with a perturbed look on their face and saying,

(a) "Where are they going?"
(b) "What does that mean?"
(c) "What?"
(d) "Why can't I get any answers before they leave?"

J.J., A.J. Styles, and Mick Foley at the KOTM match. Whose gonna join them? Joe or Nash. A guy who can't move or a guy who can't convince a good majority of fans to believe in his character. Stay tuned.

They have the graphic up for Nash vs. Joe. Joe's magic marker tribal tattoo is typically on the right side of his face. Why is it on his left? Oh, that's right. Because the hardcore genocidal maniac switches it up. Ice cold killa. You can't predict what he is gonna do.

I like it how TNA is opening up with a match lately. Later tonight there is the first-time "Lethal Lockdown" match on Impact. (psst…it's a cage match with garbage weapons. Raw was throwing out dark cage matches lately like they were going out of style.)

Hey, the ring has Stacker's "6 Hour Power" drink logo on it. You know, I'm tired of drinking Red Bull and whale sperm to stay awake.

It's Kiyoshi/Bashir vs. Daniels/Suicide. Goodness, it's hard to believe in Suicide. Spiderman comes down the ramp. A lot of wrestling is suspending belief, but it's like watching some joke in a Spiderman outfit.

Suicide likes to hold a gun to his head. Geez. Hold it to your mouth. I never been comfortable with the Hardy Boys doing that "gun to the head" motion either.

That "stacker2" logo is sure getting a lot of love.

West: "Mike Tenay, this Suicide-Daniels obsession is gonna eat you alive." It's true. I thought Tenay was going to have a heart attack during his gushing of "What's in that damn briefcase Booker is carrying around? What could it be?"

Are they still doing this mystery? Why? Are they hoping for a "Gotcha!" moment?

"OMG, it was A.J. Styles under the mask all along!" (though it really wasn't.)

West defends Bashir and Kiyoshi: People just accept things for what they are. Wrestling is full of stereotypes. Okay, TNA. West hates America. West is a commie.

Will they sell out the palace in Detroit for Slam 7? We'll see.

Why is a baseball player going to be holding a belt at Slam 7? West goes talking about this baseball jerkwad. Might as well been TNA pumping up NASCAR again. It's worthless to me.

Oh yeah, the actual match. Bashir fakes a leg injury. Bashir actually took off his boot and socks. It's the most an X Division wrestler has sold an injury recently.

Guns and Lethal Consequences come down to fight Suicide. Tonight, run-ins galore. Almost every match had the same finish (other people run down, ref distracted, heel picks up the win).

Shane Douglas, who is dressed in his blue shirt and yellow socks, is the culprit here. He knocks out Daniels with...a wallet chain? Thing looks lighter than my grandmother. That's because my grandmother's dead and is nothing but ashes now. Ha ha. I stole that joke from ODB. Ho ho ha ha. Dead grandmothers. Funny stuff.

Why is Douglas wearing yellow socks?

After commercial break: MEM talkathon.

No, it's a Shane Douglas talkathon.

"Ha ha ha. You're all a bunch of jabronies. I'm a huge fan of TNA. I watch the show religiously. Jeff Jarrett is amazing. He brought up this company from the ground up. Feel sorry for him for his dead wife..." Wait, Douglas didn't have to do a "Jeff Jarrett rah-rah promo" that Eric Young had to do. Oops. My bad.

Douglas, with his unique promo voice, goes on: "These morons in the crowd. Same old stinking politics." Douglas also had the wussiest chain in the history of professional wrestling.

It's Foley and Bug Eyes Borash. Foley talks about the idiocy of defending the world championship every 30 days: "It's a World Championship, not a menstrual cycle, J.B." Great line. J.B.: "I'm on the rag, man! Do you want to see? I can make myself bleed, man!"

Foley and J.B. blubber on about sports championships until Jimmy Buffet shows up. No, it's Cute Kip.

Hey, Kip happens.

Kip and Foley "go back a long way" (or they pretend they do).

Kip is desperate. "Just looking for a job, man." Geez, Kip, you can become a male stripper. "I'm just doing this to put my kids through college! I swear!" It's what you do best. Foley sees what he can do.

Nash comes in with Jenna.

Nash: Man, what you are smoking, dude. Dude, you put me in a cage match with Joe.

Foley: Oh, man. I was angry at Dixie and Spike. (Why? No reason.) I'm going to name-drop Freud on you, dude. I did something called "transference," man. We could get monster ratings, dude. (Because who gives a damn about quality? It's all about ratings.)

Nash: Man, I don't want to be in a cage match. Triple my payoff, man. Four times my daily rate. I want $8 man. I don't care about the ratings, man. I want to get paid.

Foley: Dude!

Nash. Dude.

Foley: Dude?

Nash. Dude.

Foley: Dude. It's done.

Nash: Looks like we're eating steak tonight, baby. And I'm not talking about Salisbury steak.

Jenna: Oooh. Does that mean we're going to Sizzler?

Nash: Even better, babe. I'm talking a $16 12 oz. Rib eye Applebee's steak, gorgeous.

Then Nash turned to the camera and said, "Mmm mmm. Good eating in the neighborhood."

Lethal/James Brown and Guns. They want to unmask Suicide. If they do that, they won't be on television anymore! You got to drag this sumabitch out! Don't ruin your career, boys!

It's James Brown vs. James Storm...actually it's Beer Money vs. Guns? They didn't really make this clear.

Beer Money carried those ugly trophies like how JoMizzy used to carry around their Slammy awards.

Apparently Beer Money is back to a face tag team. West informs them to "be very leery of Team 3D."

James Storm vs. Chris Sabin. West and Tenay talk about how Team 3D can screw Beer Money. West talks about how he has spent his entire adult life studying the ticks and facial expressions in trying to figure out Team 3D...

Okay. Stop. Anyone else remember the Team 3D-Beer Money buildup to Lethal Lockdown? Where Beer Money swerved Team 3D and there was this huge hate built up between both teams? It wasn't that long ago.

Just throw it out there. Please talk about previous build-up. Please reference to past events. Take five seconds. Either they are too lazy or too incompetent to bother telling fans who actually follow the product the friggin reason why they should fully believe in this "don't trust Team 3D" crap going on.

Rudy the Ref. Didn't much resemble a ref as more as a nervous fan just happy to be in the ring.

British invasion comes in. Team 3D comes in. This was pretty much the same finish to the first match.

"Drinking while investing." Great line.

This was one section of Impact:

-Terra gets in a backstage fight with the Beautiful People.

-Slam 7: "Where the TNA stars of today face the stars that started it all." Interesting.

-Coming up next. MEM interview.

And yes, that was one bit. Great.

Daffney and Lauren. Daffney attacked Taylor, or something. "Crazy people have no logic. That's what we do." Think I'm better for skipping this.

And true to form, the bit ends with Lauren choosing option (c).

MEM interview: Nash did this interview hopped up on Nyquil.

Nash: "Any man can die. You know, any man can die." Nash wasn't worried, because he knew that Joe wasn't going to kill him (which came out to be true).

Steiner: "He's fat!"

Booker: "Yeahhhh!"

This bit was hilarious. Funny stuff. Oh wait, it was supposed to be serious? Really? This "Joe vs. MEM" storyline is playing off like some cheapass '90s action film.

I want that Booker "Yeahhhhhhhh!" as my ring tone.

The only bad part about this bit? Sting didn't introduce Shockmaster, Jr. to fight Joe.

Holy crap, they are actually recapping Daffney's storyline. This is the longest TNA has recapped a storyline.

So here we go…

Daffney dressed up like fake Sarah Palin to screw with the Beautiful People. Cut her hair cut off. Became a crazy broad. Daffney blames Taylor for not coming to save her.

(About Stevie taking the thumbtacks bump: Isn't it a wrestling rule that the thumbtacks bump should be taken on bare skin to convince fans?)

It's Daffney vs. Wilde. Wilde has dressed up like a WWE Diva (Kelly Kelly).

True to form, Stevie and Raven come down the ramp. Just like in the previous two matches. This time they went to this trick rather quickly. But who cares, it's Raven! I love you Raven! Smooch smooch smooch!

I'm lost where Stevie and Raven decided to come down to the Daffney-Wilde match. Wha?

Stevie distracts Wilde. Daffney gets the win.

Then Lauren comes down the ramp. Why? Oh, Lauren and Wilde are friends from college. Uh huh. It's not just a way to bring down Abyss. No sirree (which I originally thought was the point of bringing down Lauren).

Raven then lays into his promo. I'm part of the new breed of wrestling fans, but it's safe to assume that hardcore wrestling fans weren't having wet dreams about Raven and Stevie Richards joining forces.

It's one thing to say that "the world will be watching Extreme Rules." Same thing with the Cena-Show drama. It's designed for kids who are naive enough to believe it. But the hardcore audience is pining away for the reunion of Raven-Stevie? Sure.

Okay. I just want Raven and Abyss at Slam 7. All of this other junk is confusing.

Video package of JJ and Eric Young's epic drama. Young was comic relief, but now he's tired of being viewed as a joke. Good stuff in visually referring to the past (Team Canada, etc.) Wish they do more of this, because it gives things more weight.

What? JJ is introducing his friend Eric Young? What a buzz kill.

JJ talks about how he and young go "way too far back." JJ talks about how Young did his evil heel actions last week. "That's just how this bizness is. You lost. You should have respected the fact." Whoa. WWE doesn't make things this painfully clear. What is the point of this promo exchange?

We get it, Jeff. We've seen this "my friend screwed me and has joined the dark side" before.

Eric Young brings up his father. Groan. Let me guess. He beat you. No, he abandoned you and moved to Cuba. Just like A.J. father's did (this was brought up during his feud with Sting). Young looked up to Mr. White Jeans as a father figure. Boo.

Young might have the worst speaking voice out there. It's like listening to someone with a perpetual bad cold.

We could get over bad voices if the content is up to snub. But why would Young pump up TNA if his beef is with JJ? It makes no sense. Young here was really pumping up JJ here, not himself.

Oh no. He did it. He mentioned Jeff Jarrett's dead wife. No.

Young was just out here to pump up Jarrett. It makes no bloody sense. If you hate a guy for keeping you down, of course you pump up his accomplishments and paint him as a sympathetic figure in describing his family life. Of course.

The day TNA stops mentioning Jeff Jarrett's dead wife is the day that hell freezes over. I gave up on this.

Foley is in his office. Foley: "The best-seller himself, couldn't written it any better." Who is he talking about? Rocco and Sally are here. Pointless.

I'm exhausted of this show, and it's only hour and 17 minutes into it.

They replay the Rhino-Neal "tough love" bit they originally played about five weeks ago. Yep, that's a real strong plan in place.

Neal has a bad-ass haircut. Meaning it looks like a bad ass. He's facing Matt Morgan? He'll kill Neal.

Neal's promo. Not bad.

Matt Morgan comes out in his grand wizard cape.

He's got a new logo on his gear. Reminds me a lot of Lex Luger's "The Total Package" old logo.

Neal kicking some ass. Guess Matt Morgan sucks as a wrestler. Well, we already knew that.

We care about Orton. We care about his character. So that's why we get our panties twisted in a bunch about Shane McMahon-Vince McMahon-Ric Flair beating Orton up. (Though, to me, Flair beating up Orton was not a problem.) We care about Orton.

Most of us don't care about Matt Morgan. He steals other people's moves. His yelling promos are horrible. And he once killed a bear with his bare hands. He killed a sweet, defenseless bear with his bare hands. What did the bear ever do to him? Why, Matt? Why? You're a monster!




That would be one hell of a movie, though. "Matt Morgan systemically destroys Disney characters."

Do love Morgan's "Windmill Elbows" in the corner. Because he didn't steal that one, I guess.

Man. Watching Matt Morgan vs. Show in a submissions match would be worse. Morgan takes two minutes to do one move, and then takes five minutes to applaud himself.

Can anyone else see Rhino vs. Neal? Even with the fact that Rhino was the patriot in his "love it or leave it" feud with Bashir? I want to see it happen! Come on, TNA! Wrestling fans don't remember what they had for breakfast!

Deaner comedy with ODB. Oh man, over-the-top Deaner facial expressions. Hyuk hyuk I'm a stereotypical redneck! I watch NASCAR and shop at Walmart! I'm missing all of my teeth! I can barely read! Hyuk hyuk!

ODB: "My grandma hits better than ya, and she's dead!" Ha ha. Ho ho.

Deaner is lifting some weights. Sells looking at ODB's mamma-jammas. "To Be Continued."

At least they didn't take one hour like with typical Santino "comedy". In and out.

Foley promo. Damn, that Stacker logo is now in the background. Only a matter of time before wrestling gets the scrolling ads like in NBA games.

Sting vs. Kurt Angle for next week. Too bad it probably won't be a real match.

Foley: "Blah blah blah arggghh Jeff screwed me! Punched out ref Hebner!"

Who cares about ref Heb? I don't even remember that, man. Shut up. "Every reaction has a positive and negative reaction blah blah blah." Brutal.

Sting is in the back with Lauren. Matt Morgan comes in. Talks about how he just destroyed a man who has never wrestled a match in his life.

Sting says that Matt Morgan has no respect. Intriguing. MEM has morals. It's not just about muscles and flashy moves, it's about having honor. And groovy tracksuits.

JB with Steiner and Booker talking about ... next week. Might as well. Who cares about, you know, the main event of this show. Man, they don't know how to do main events in TNA.

Booker: "I hope he can take that, sucka." Then he goes into his pose for GQ, with eyes blazing at the camera. He's my MVP of the night! He's so funny!

And why the hell not ... Sharmell is here to pump up the Jenna feud that will not go away. Wait, we can't get rid of her before the MEM check clears? How long does that take? Or does Jenna have to ruin another match?

Main event was kendo stick shots. And that was about it. Let's not forget, Joe killing Nash with a hockey stick. You know, traditionally is supposed to be, you know, the best part of the show. Or at least give off the impression that it is.

And come on, guys. Orton has the punt of doom. You gave Joe the hockey stick from hell? Wooo. I thought Joe was gonna kill Nash. Don't be a killblock, TNA. Would like to see if wrestlers were put out of action by getting hit with a hockey stick. Cross the line. We've got an incompetent Hitman!

I'm calling on the absurd army to nominate Booker as the "MVP" of Impact. His performance was so great!

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

(credit to 1.bp.blogspot.com, slam.canoe.ca, i-love-disney.com and z.about.com for pics)

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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