by Shane McKinley, PWTorch specialist

Hey y'all. You know, Randy Orton is such a badass, he punts the McMahon infants in the head. But he's no match when later he has to face the little tykes at the next WWE PPV. Oh yes, Orton will get is. And apparently Trips just didn't get enough of savagely beating Orton at WrestleMania.

Lockdown. Yeah, no rabid "E-C-W" fans in sight. Just a whole lot of whatevs casual fans who haven't watched Impact. TNA even planted some fans to get in a scuffle with douchebag himself Danny Bonaduce. I think Rhino is still employed so that he can gore people to get a mild pop. And plus there is Bashir.

Maybe Suicide can get an actual opponent instead of facing all of those kindergarteners, but looks like Suicide is settling in for a long title run. You think TNA gives a crap whether it's good or not? Hey, Suicide! People love him! He's from that videogame! Yeah!

Anyone else had that Queen in the Cage match planned out in their minds before it happened? You couldn't have pictured Sojo with a new hairstyle. You have won this round, TNA.

Don't know why they often won't bother giving a storyline or a real backbone to mid-card matches that get me excited. MCMG vs. LAX vs. No Limit? Can't find that in WWE. But yeah, expect MCMG to get owned by the new world heavyweight champion Mick Foley and LAX to get lost in the shuffle, still carrying around those briefcases like lost corporate lackeys.

If you don't watch wrestling, you're probably feel a bit upset that Stevie Richards is Dr. Stevie. Really? No way! TNA even had Tenay point it out. Maybe y'all should have called him "Dr. Ponytail" or "Dr. Quackhead" or "Dr. BabyFartzMcGeeWax." Sometimes you wonder if the group of TNA writers aren't really a bunch of stoned teenagers too busy playing on their Xbox to think up a name. "Dr. Stevie? Yeah. Roll with it. Whatevs. Pass me the ding-dongs."

And hey, maybe they'll get the point and not have Abyss vs. Morgan IV. To recap...

***imageone***WWE: Stevie Richards was brought back to ECW. They ran effective video packages of him coming back from neck surgery. Had a quick feud with Kevin Thorne. Was let go (credit to awfulcommercials.com for pic).

ECW: Friggin two months of Dr. Stevie, where Dr. Stevie gets violent when Abyss wants to...get violent with steel chairs. I can't wait till Lauren smacks him upside the head.

Angelina Love gets the gold. Continues on her rampage to cut girls's hair off. This is stuff kids do on the playground. Ticky-tack.

Team 3D vs. Beer Money was freakin' awesome, man! Freaking the best! And yep, Team 3D won. Hope there's a Team 3D vs. Beer Money feud in the works. We all know that the belts in TNA have little weight, but it hard to believe Beer Money as a truly dominant tag team if some old ECW dudes who used to wear tye-dyed shirts and do the "Slapshot" gimmick with the glasses are the ones holding all the gold.

Jeff Jarrett. Let it go. It's over.

So Team 3D won all the gold, possibly more Jarrettmania coming up, and Mick Foley is your new TNA world heavyweight champion? Hey, that's more TNA wackiness. It's not stale. But it also doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But whatevs. You know what's the real reason for tuning into Impact?

Bobby Lashley! He's the greatest of all time! He's jacked up to the gills! His promos! His wrestling! Look out! Here comes Lashley! Never mind that our PPVs are lame and that we rely on bringing in new people for the future! Isn't he big? Wowie wow! (credit to faniq.com for pic).

Last time we saw Lashley, he was injured at the hands of...Mr. Kennedy, who is heading into Kevin Nash territory of being injury-prone.

Probably one of my favorite moments on WWE programming was the wedding of Crystal(?) and straight out buggin Theodore Long. That wedding was awful, but it was entertaining just to watch how far WWE was digging a hole for itself. Favorite part of it was that Theodore Long, after all of the WWE wackiness was over, faked a heart attack to avoid getting married. Wish I can use that in my own life.

"Mr. McKinley, we find you guilty on all accounts. Your absurd articles are an abomination and an embarrassment to the entire human race. How do you plea?"

"...Um...uh...Oh! I'm having a fake heart attack! (falls over)" (credit to cm1.theinsider.com for pic)

And apparently, Bobby Lashley was so upset over how bad the wedding bit was that he asked to be released immediately. Or something trivial with Crystal. Whatevs. Stops down in AAA...then in MMA...then shows up in TNA.

"Hey, I've got a big fight coming up in MMA. I came down here to TNA to train." Looks like it might be Lashley-Jarrett month. After that, Taz-Jarrett time. Then Stephon Marbury-Jarrett time.

Foley: So I'll come down to TNA, but there's got to be some stipulations. First, whatever I say, goes. That means if I want to punch myself in the head a lot, that goes. If I want to "retire" from TNA, that goes as well too. And if you really want to promote my new book titled "Crossing The Line," you'll make me World Champion.

Yes indeedy, Mick Foley is Brian from Family guy and he made a deal with the evil Lois' father (okay, so I don't watch a lot of Family Guy). You see, Brian can get an Oprah's club book sticker. Sell two million of those bad boys. Only if he goes against his own moral code (if you watched Sunday night's "420" episode, you'll get it).

"What? What? What's the problem? So I'm World Champion? Geez. I'm gonna sell more books this way." (credit to scifiwire.com for pic).

But let's face it. Foley probably didn't even think twice about the idea of him becoming World Champion, even though using that "wrestling nonsense" of how world champions are supposed to be the cream of the crop, with little flaws in their game.

In the Lockdown PPV preview I first wrote that Foley winning the title was going to make me throw up. I deleted that because I thought, "Well, TNA titles mean jack." It's not hard to picture Danny Bonaduce as TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

At first you might struggle with it, but remember, this is TNA. So whether you are, at work, at school, at home, or in outer space, it is perfectly reasonable in the TNA Universe that a man who hasn't won a singles match in years and who can barely walk can become TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Why? For his book deal. And to make Papa Vince weep at the thought. And to have Jarrett and Jimmy Fallon vs. Foley and Danny Bonaduce for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at a TNA PPV in Atlanta. (The second coming of Eric Bischoff's WCW! Buy now!)

Will TNA PPVs ever get that "reliable" tag? Probably not. Mick Foley as TNA World Heavyweight Champ? This is the TNA Universe!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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