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The Specialists
THE ABSURDITY REPORT - A COMMON TALE: How Cena Became The Hero Of The Entire WWE Universe Dec 3, 2008 - 3:03:32 PM
CENA: Hello, you fine people! My dear friends. I want to thank each and every one of you for ordering the Scummy Series to see me!
COMMON FOLK: (silence)
CENA: Wait for applause. 5, 4, 3, 2...Thank you. You know, the WWE universe is vast and wide. It has all sorts of good, common people. Fine people. Hard working people. Fine people who will help poor WWE during the tough times by buying our shoddy products! So that higher ups can keep their Christmas bonuses and keep Wilbur from accounting from getting fired! Yes, fine people indeed! Like this gentleman over here! What is your name?
ROBBY: I'm Robby the chimney sweeper, you Muppet. You're that bloke who takes a piss on everybody when you do your lame version of the People's Elbow. Five-knuckle shuffle? What the bloody hell is that pile of puke? What are you waiting for, mate? Somebody to hold your hand while you do that move?
CENA: (Reverting to his thug days)...You best dead that noise, man. You got me tripping man, and now I'm straight out buggin' on your ass. I'm the lawnmower, baby. Chew you up and dump you in the green bin. I'll take you out in front of everybody! I'll take you to war! I'll take you to war!
ROBBY: Whatever, sunshine. (Punches Cena)
CENA: Oof!...My fine people, please do excuse my unruly behavior. For you see, my fine people...
COMMON FOLK: Get him! Get the phony yankee bastard!
Things do not go well for Cena, as the common folk have now turned on him for having to sit through matches where he does the same four moves over and over. Arthur, a local fisherman, is preparing to deliver a body splash off a 20 foot high bookstore onto Cena when suddenly...
Yet another veteran wrestler shows up to save his ass from disaster! Cena is whisked away and shows the hostile folk that he is indeed "number one".
CENA: I saved myself all on my own! What can't I do?
Later on that day...
CENA: Oh, little birdy. Why don't the common folk like me? Isn't the word "poop" edgy and cool to say? And why am I not wearing a shirt when it's freezing out?
Suddenly an angel appears! But no ordinary angel. It is Stephanie McMahon!
STEPH: Human, not for 10,000 years have I appeared in front of any mortal. What do you have to say?
CENA: Great googly moogly! You're huge!
STEPH: All right, shaddup! I'm big! Yes I know! Cena, you disgust me. For your lack of moral dignity during your scuffle with the townsfolk, you must conquer three challenges before you can become World Champion again.
CENA: But I'm already World Champion. WWE pretty much just handed the title to me when I came back.
STEPH: Silence! You must pass these three challenges so that you may become a hero of the common man. These three challenges have destroyed many of your kind...
STEPH: The terrifying and terrible toaster!
CENA: Please.
STEPH: The malicious and malevolent microwave!
CENA: Give me a break.
CENA: Any more challenges? This is nothing.
STEPH: Prepare to meet your greatest challenge. You may be able to defeat tag teams and rosters all by yourself, but there is no way that you can defeat...
Bubba, the big ass dog!
CENA: No!
The resulting fight was not for the faint of heart. Although Cena did manage to put up a fight, he was no match for Bubba.
CONCLUSION: Cena has lost his left hand and the battle, but Steph deemed him worthy to be the hero of the common man. Thanks to Cena's super healing powers, he grew a new hand just by thinking happy thoughts and sprinkling fairy dust around himself.
THE END
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