By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

I remember one Raw in the U.K. where they had a one-hour match with John Cena and HBK. Dollars to donuts that sort of match won't happen anytime soon. Just for kicks, I would like for WWE or TNA to pull out a "scientific wrestling match." Of course, the ratings would drop like the cost of products in K-Mart.

Stephanie wants to "wipe the slate clean" and give away big matches on Raw: Kane vs. Rey in a No DQ match, Jericho vs. HBK in a Last Man Standing Match, and Orton vs. Batista. To quote a line from the awful movie "Ready to Rumble:" "This isn't even a PPV!" Nice to see a pro-Orton crowd and an anti-Dave crowd.

Santino vs. William Regal lasted about 30 seconds. I counted. I wonder a wrestler gets pumped up for a match like that. Do wrestlers feel like they are cheating themselves or the fans by having ridiculously short matches? Does it cause them to be embarrassed? Probably not. Regal's acceptance speech lasted longer than the match, but the short IC match was somewhat digestible because Santino has been shown to be a wimp. They sure milked that "United Kingdom rah rah rah" thing as far as it could go. The belt means next to nothing. It felt like WWE was going too far into "let's make the hometown crowd happy with a really pathetic match and belt."

Kane: "You like me, you really like me!"

Is there some way to see Mike Knox's crazy beard every week instead of watching him wrestle? I am going to call his beard "Mr. Fuzzy." Only thing in interest of this putrid mess between D-Lo Brown and Knox was the beard. "Ooh Mr. Fuzzy looks awesome! Wait, who is that dude doing a clunky match with Mr. Brown?" Pretty sad that we can't even get squash matches done right. Three moves and then we're done. Somebody has to be sitting in the back saying, "Gee, Knox's finisher is as punishing as a cool ocean breeze." It could be called "The Fuzziatior." Monday Night Raw should be nicknamed Monday Night Timid for their "paint by numbers" approach. It's timid! It's safe! It's dragging towards Survivor Series! Tune in to see bits you have already seen loads of times before! Oh yeah!

Ah, Santino squeaking like a mouse and quivering his lip. Sadly, Santino is the bright spot of Raw. And yes, Santino gets way more air time than C.M. Punk on Raw nowadays.

"The Life of Cena Pt. IX" does not bode well for Cena haters. Although these video packages are somewhat interesting, the possible outcome does not bode well. Survivor Series is "Cena's biggest night." Triple H saying that Cena was handed nothing, despite the fact that Cena was handed his title shot at Survivor Series, was funny. It does not look so good for Jericho. Jericho could get tremendous heel heat if he could, let's say, make Cena tap in his hometown on his big night. But the context of the situation (business is down, Raw is so old) and the over-the-top hype for Cena returning means that it is a very good chance that Cena will win "in a dramatic fashion."

One can already hear Michael Cole now: "He came back from injury. He worked his ass off. He defied all of the odds. And on this night, in his hometown, Cena is WWE champion." That will be a very difficult pill to swallow. You wonder why some people hate Cena. It is largely due to how he is presented. Cena getting a title shot is another fine example of a wrestling company showing you one thing, and then breaking their own rules. WWE has shown nothing to validate or question why Cena is getting a title shot, and that makes it hard to root for him.

Cole: "Every time Kane tortures Mysterio, Kane believes he is torturing the WWE Universe." That might be the winner of the 2008 Absurd Award for "Worst Phrase Said by Announcer." Maybe their feud should end, just to stop all of this Cole talk about "masks" and "innocents" like he was reading off a teleprompter. Match has some nice spots (Kane slamming Mysterio into barrier), but for whatever reason, be it due to excessive travel or whatnot, the action tonight was clunky and had too many "cute spots" - where the set-up is creative, but the outcome makes fans groan.

Announcers can also fall into the realm of "hyping lukewarm stuff." Yes, Kane is crazy, but he is not setting anybody on fire. There is a difference between "PG Kane who is a big meanie" and "PG-13 Kane who has sex with a corpse."

Yes, a Walls of Jericho on top of a car is somewhat unique. Cole: "My mind was just completely blown!" You get the feeling that the announcers would be totally shocked out of their minds if somebody left a mint on their hotel pillows.

Apparently Shane McMahon, the one who booked the Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James match, thought that he could pull bigger rating numbers if instead of Randy Orton, he put in Cody Rhodes. Or maybe just like his father he liked to do the tactic of having crap lead up to the main event. J.R.: "Austin is coming out later tonight to talk about his match with Dude Love, but until then, here is some garbage!" Who knows.

I always hate it when wrestlers "book themselves" in wrestling. When a wrestling company shows you one thing (GM has all of the power) and then shows you something else entirely (Cody books himself into match, Booker creates himself a new title belt and somehow TNA validates it), the product becomes see through. Understand that Orton vs. Batista should be saved for a PPV, but pretty shameless to announce the match as taking place.

And that is what wrestling shows have to juggle: going for quality or going for ratings. From a fan perspective nowadays you seemingly cannot have both. For example, the match for next Raw is C.M. Punk vs. Randy Orton. The video package played it up like Punk was going to get his long-awaited revenge. But fans already know that he had a match with Orton, and nothing came out of it. So who cares if they face off again? Punk has been hiding in the shadows in the mid-card, while Orton and the Priceless club seem to want to continue their long and utterly lukewarm angle.

The lowest point of the night was when WWE followed up the "ha ha fool you with no Orton" with a garbage women's match. I'm always afraid that Mickie in her "bell bottoms" outfit is going to slip and fall. The wrestling tonight mostly was just putrid.

Finlay on ECW: "The owner of that title will be me." Ooh. I used to just tune in to ECW to see Colin Delaney and C.M. Punk. Now it is to see what they do with Jack Swagger. Everything else is as exciting as day old bread.

Jericho and HBK duel it out. WWE pretty much used up their "Falls Count Anywhere" card tonight, as for a good portion of the match they were just filling time.

Oh no. Jericho crashes into a cheap mailbox. Good Gawd!

Oh no. Jericho runs off the stage. He can't possibly get up from that!

This Raw is doing very well for abysmal spots.

HBK pulls out a ladder to save the show. JBL in a neck brace shows up to beat HBK to lengthen their feud. Tune in next time to see...more of the same.

The show ended with Jericho and Michaels actually hugging and then getting in that car on top of the ramp. They drove far, far away from Raw is Lame. Meanwhile, Manu and Cody Rhodes continue to stare at Randy Orton for him eating the last of their chocolate chip cookies, Cena learns how to fly just by willpower alone, Santino creates his own belt called the Santino belt, and WWE sees a record number of buys for his belt. Cole yells, "Oh no! Knox just landed the Spinny Loveable Hug Slam! It's over!"

POSITIVES

-- HBK and Jericho once again tries to salvage a Raw train wreck
-- Kane vs. Mysterio was solid
-- Mr. Fuzzy

NEGATIVES

-- Wrestling was largely sub par; lots of weak spots
-- The "Orton vs. Batista" bait and switch
-- Regal's cheesy "Proud Englishman" acceptance speech after winning a worthless IC title
-- The Cena overbearing hype job and the possible cheesy Survivor Series outcome
-- Terrible women's match; did pretty much nothing
-- The promise to "start anew" but still showing pretty much the same Raw fans have seen in past months
-- Mr. Knox

VERDICT: Very Absurd

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT: Storylines, like in wrestling, are evident in professional sports as well. The Monday Night Football game was not just the Cardinals vs. the 49ers; it was also the storylines of "is Arizona for real? Will the players believe Mike Singletary's old school approach in this age of free agents? Will Mike drop his pants again?" It is adding hype to a game. So staples in the wrestling world can be seen in professional sports. Entrances, pyro, interviews, video packages for specific players, and storylines. "What will the old gunslinger Brett Favre do against the mean New England Patriots this Thursday night?" And such.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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