By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Jericho Is a Conspiracy Victim, The Adamle Song

When WWE showed a replay of the Jericho vs. Batista match, they pretty much cut out all of the useless parts. If you did not see the PPV, this replay showed you all you needed to know. Jericho comes out and says he was involved in the biggest screw-job in WWE history. What a whiner. At least he brings up the mandatory re-match clause for Batista's championship next week inside a steel cage (reminded me a lot of the steel cage between C.M. Punk and Jericho). Kind of amusing to see if Joe will ever bring up his mandatory re-match clause against Sting, since he too was involved in a screw-job. But for some reason I doubt it.

Adamle comes out, clipboard in hand. Adamle needs his own theme song:

"Oh here he comes, he's the man
The dressed man with the island tan
Jamaican me crazy, we all cringe
Adamle's here, we held for the fridge
When we come back, he is still stammering still
Is he a robot? What's the deal?
He has trouble speaking a simple line
WWE must owe him a huge fine
His original ideas are odd, his progress shows no gain
Scramble and Gauntlets matches never want to see again."

Damn, it's hard writing a song. I still hate it when I begin to watch a wrestling show and within the first ten minutes they promise things for next week. I understand why they do it (some fans just check in for the opening and ending) but I will never get used to it. Randy Orton finally gets used effectively being portrayed as an angry and violent man while Mike Adamle gets portrayed as a lovable loser compared to the "evilness" of Orton. Really nice move by WWE, as they at least are acknowledging that the Adamle experiment for the most part has not been working. Shane and Stephanie McMahon showing up next week does not have the same interest level in years past, but it is interesting to see what they do with both Randy Orton and Mike Adamle.

The Hype Job for Team Priceless That Falls Flat

Disturbing thing of the night was the announcers hyping up Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase as a "great team." How they are so effective as a team. Use dirty tactics behind the ref's back. And have massive egos outside of the ring. They use the same announcing style when talking about the tag team of John Morrison and The Miz. So in this instance fans could not agree that Team Priceless were great because frankly we have not seen enough of them and the only major impact they had was when they beat up John Cena. To their credit, Team Priceless did look good at the end, but it was time for the belts to be taken off them. Maybe perhaps they could get some heel heat by punking out their own fathers? Nice move with Punk doing a twirling neck breaker, but bad call with Michael Cole screaming, "The WWE universe has exploded!"

The "Runaway Train Wreck" Involving Santino

A bit odd that Lawler and Cole would use the term "runaway train wreck" (?) to describe the show, but then next came Piper, Goldust, and Honky Tonk Man as guest commentators! Yikes! Come on, WWE. IC matches still within Santino? Boo. At first when they brought up the Honk-a-Meter, it was sort of amusing. But damn if WWE does not have Santino as IC champion for 63 weeks, considering the fact that Santino really never defends his title. Did this match need to be an IC match? No. But the only solace is that sooner or later WWE will run out of jobbers for Santino. So in a way it is both good and bad. I am enjoying the Santino bits, but him proclaiming himself as the greatest IC champion of all the times makes the belt look weaker every week.

But I did laugh aloud as Piper refer to The Haas (dressed as Beth Phoenix) as Hillary Clinton and Goldust redeemed himself (considering his time in TNA this year as Black Reign) by saying, "I don't like cross dressers." Actually this bit was better than the one on Cyber Sunday. Santino gets blasted and the Honky Tonk Man proceeds to sell the guitar on EBay. Cole says, "Santino is no 'Guitar Hero' tonight." Nice. I guess Mike Knox is coming to Raw to replace Snitsky as the tall crazy dude. Instead of the announcers talking about Snitsky's teeth they will be talking about Knox's beard.

Big Dave Laughs, History Lessons, and JBL's Possible New Catchphrase

A lot of people complain about how Batista cannot really deliver a great promo. But I do not expect him to. I do not expect him to weave and create a story through promos like Chris Jericho. A promo is bad in my estimation if it is largely counter-productive, boring, a lot of flubbed lines, and only delivered in the loudest possible volume. We all could do a Batista promo right now: "Ha ha ha ha. Cough. You know, Cole, these fans stuck through me through thick and thin. Mess with the bull and you get the horn! I'm going to kick your ass this Sunday!" Cue Saliva and there you go. As long as a wrestler can be somewhat believable in delivering his lines, hit his points, have the promo make some sense, and get the crowd involved, then that works for me. Yes, he says a lot of generic stuff in most of his promos, but it is miles ahead of a typical Matt Morgan promo. "I killed a thousand-pound bear with my bare hands! Rah! I checked my email! Woo! Yeah, boy! Look at loud I can yell about minor things to make them seem bigger than they really are! Yeah!"

Nice bit with WWE showing a video package of Shea Stadium and somehow relating it to WrestleMania. Could a possible JBL vs. Shawn Michaels be in the works? And could JBL's new catchphrase be, "Nobody messes with my money!" He sure looks a heck of a lot better. Royal Rumble Jericho was getting slapped around by JBL's man-boobs. At least no more Haas for him.

Could We Bring Back Cruiserweights? Because It Might Work

Great match with Evan Bourne vs. Rey Mysterio. Crowd was behind both men, and there were some nice moves here. You know that over in TNAland this match would have lasted about three minutes. Rey would be forced to talk about how he is his own man and does not wish to join the evil veterans like Kane. "You know back in WCW I had some great days. WCW 4 life! Now I am in TNA and I want to make my own mark. But I won't give you an answer because we need to drag this angle to the next PPV." Borash and Lauren would do their bug eyes and try to get more info out of Rey. The match would be a quick spot fest, have some horrible ref in there, and Kane would cost Evan the match (then Rey in later weeks would shockingly join the evil veterans). This match I could sink my teeth into and it was very fun to watch.

I think why I am developing a crush on Evan Bourne is that he is not just another "spot monkey." It is all about the details. The thing that stood out to me in the match was when Mysterio messed up a spot, hurting his legs, and Evan wisely went for a quick pin. Then Bourne did a quick leg submission hold (that was quickly broken up, but I was impressed). The match was still kept in the realm of believability. And the fact that Bourne resembles a fish out of water when selling. One could knock Bourne for being too reckless out there, but these guys gave a great PPV match. Nice camera work with the visual handshake between Mysterio and Bourne. Then Kane shows up.

Kane and Mark Henry lumber out to the ring like the ghosts of WWE past. Fans just experienced a fast-paced Raw match that was fun to watch, and then here comes these two monsters. I would love to see Mysterio and Bourne again, but Mysterio vs. Kane and Bourne vs. Henry just seems so old. Tag team match is coming between these four wrestlers, but hopefully the ratings were high for this bit so that Raw takes notice and understand that WWE fans have been waiting a long time to see action like what Mysterio and Bourne served up.

"Hey, Old Man" And I No Longer Like JoMizzy

John Cena can call his dad old man? Gotta love those Boston accents. And hey, Kurt Angle showed up briefly when they were showing a video package of how Cena got into the business. Can fans handle more weeks of Cena video packages? Not the ones who hate Cena, but I myself have to confess that I am not a John Cena hater. Hated watching his matches before 2007 (punches galore) but you never really hear "you can't wrestle" chants anymore for him. But people just love to hate Cena, I guess.

JoMizzy comes out and says that if they use too many large, confusing words in their promos, it is the fans fault. How often does one hear the word "geriatric" in their week? Mind you, I do not want to ever hear one of their lame dumb raps again, but hearing John Morrison say that "if you don't get it, that's my problem" tarnishes how cool I thought they were. Then they say they will get beat by DX next week. What an invigorating and exquisite gala among two ambitious teams that will sure to be indubitable to engross and provoke unfathomable feelings that will resonate with the inhabitants of the WWE Universe.

Now That Was a Backstage Brawl; Batista Survives The Odds

Nice to see that WWE still knows how to do a brawl. Often fans see backstage brawls and are not convinced that these guys are trying to maim each other. When JBL was attacking HBK, stuff was flying everywhere and as a fan I felt convinced. The problem with Raw main events recently is that often the focus is on storyline rather than quality. As a result, it has not been worth watching to see what happens in the storyline. That being said, this main event was good and Batista picked up a nice win. Another thing to mention is that WWE goes to great length to keep their product "realistic." When the ref did not see the tag at the end, this helps keep the product more believable. JBL is now back in the game.

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: Not Absurd

Next week will be a three-hour Raw, and there are some things to look forward to. You have Jericho vs. Dave in a cage, Randy Orton, Mike Adamle, Shane, Stephanie, Punk/Kofi as tag team champs. At least WWE will not make over-hyped grand promises that they cannot make. Raw had a better varied show this time around (the show was not just all comedic bits). You had three really good matches (Bourne vs. Mysterio could have been put on a PPV) and nearly every bit was productive.

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT

Thanks to last week's Impact, can I now expect championship matches to last as long as squash matches? Man, how cool would that be? Yeah, boy!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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