By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Next Week New HD Format, Same Dumb Content

The announcers start off with the PPV living up to the hype, Abyss won't be on Impact, and Nash vs. Creed is something that fans want to see lies. The opening match starts faces (?) Motor City Machine Guns versus Sonjay "I do a lot of situps" Dutt and Bashir. To give you a glimpse on how things are handled in TNA, when the X division champion Bashir comes down, it would be the most logical thing in the world to expect the announcers to talk about the X division title match that was at Bound For Glory. You know. Plug his win, the match, the PPV. But instead here is the order of plugs when Bashir's music hits: Las Vegas show plug. Plug next week's championship match. Jay Lethal plug. Birdcage match plug. HD plug. Mick Foley's farewell address plug. Oh look, Chris Sabin does a cool move. I guess we should call this match, Mr. West.

Does TNA realize that some people actually follow this show week to week? I swear they only write up to the PPV. It is already too clear that of course they have plans for the main event players (the absurd "respect" storyline that was hammed up during Joe vs. Sting at BFG) but as for the mid-card or lower-card talent, they seem to start the show after the PPV fresh. It is great for fans who have just tuned into the product, but it is frustrating for fans who actually follow this show and want to see some believable content. Storylines are not written for the fans, they are written for a vastly smaller group of people (the writers).

Oh wait, Sonjay is dancing (again) while the announcers are plugging the Jarrett-Angle, Sting, and Kevin Nash. You would think by now they would have better quality matches (or at least have the announcers not hype 5 other things during a particular match), but it's the same dumb "stay tuned" announcing crap that has been evident for a long time now. This endless crappy teasing is getting depressing.

Forgive me, but was Alex Shelly the legal man? Pretty sure that Chris Sabin was. Why even bother having the illusion of a "real wrestling contest." Put away the pretense and just blatantly set up spots. Meanwhile Angle comes in and beats the crap out of everyone. At least they protected the X division champion Bashir.

The Eternal Blackness, Or Why TNA Still Has Not Bought Outdoor Lights

Steal some lights from Universal Studios, whatever. It is stupid to believe that the Nash skit would be near darkness after all of this time. Go ahead and chew your gum, Nash. You are portrayed as an idiot. You have been waiting 10 months to screw Joe? Gee, that makes a lot of sense. If you are insane. You change to heel because I guess you just felt like it. TNA is great for wrestlers because often they do not have to worry about the fans. Screw the fans. Give them reguirated crap like this and they will keep buying it. Heel, face, storyline absurdity, whatever.

I skipped ahead (thanks, TiVo) and watched Nash's promo. A good trick to do during TNA heel's promos is to side with them. You are a face, Nash. You pump in money into strip joints. Why, those ladies (or men, depends on what type of strip joints Nash goes to). Of course Nash does not spend any time on his promo. Like be entertaining and make fun of the fans. Like how most of them are missing teeth. No, he rants and raves while he tries to remember how to do a crappy heel promo.

If TNA World Champion Sting Is Not Supposed To Be TNA World Champion, Then Who Is?

According to Sting, he is not supposed to be holding the championship belt. Joe is the better wrestler. That would make a hell of a lot of sense if Joe was face. Oddly enough, Sting got more cheers than Joe. TNA raves about their "home-grown" talent but truth be told they will gladly become doormats for outside talent (Booker, Mick Foley). Sort of sad how much they are burying Joe (it is hard for fans to get behind him when his character is changing for the worse every month). Either Joe is a heel or he is just plain idiotic. That being said, we have got an idiotic ex-champion and an old dude who confesses that he should not be really holding the title.

According to Sting, when Joe was taunting while Sting was struggling to make the 10 count at BFG, Joe was mocking Sting and "his generation." Somebody take away the pens and keyboards from the writers. This is not believable. Guess what, Sting? All of this feels way too "contrived" and "planned" out. I could not believe for one second that the character of Sting was speaking from the heart. All I could hear was Russo talking. Please shut up about Ric Flair, Sting.

AJ Styles comes out and perhaps the works are in motion for Sting vs. Styles. According to Styles, Sting showed no respect at BFG. You know what works really good in wrestling? Visual proof. How often have TNA just relied on spoken-word value alone to justify their crappy storylines? Far too much. I keep hearing all of this talk about how Styles is a main event star waiting in the wings. Styles is one angle away from wearing stupid costumes again. "There's the door, Sting. Oh, by the way, you are champion. So that would mean something. But belts mean zip in TNA."

Angle then beats up some more "innocent victims," or "jobbers who are portrayed as TNA stars." Mick Foley is having the time of his life. Great. The allure has worn off and we are wondering what is his role in TNA is. Guessing he will be the "backstage skit" guy. Yay.

Elephant Killing Sure Is Funny

Same exact shot angle every friggin time with Booker's locker room. I know this show is taped, but could every single Booker bit be have shot on a Saturday in September? Booker then talks about how he kills elephants with his bare hands and talk about how he gets busy with his wife because the stuff in elephant's tusks can make somebody in the mood.

My only complaint is that TNA did not cross the line far enough. Why, next week Booker can play up his hunter bit and wear a Panda's head (with the blood still dripping) as a hat. Or use a dead bald eagle to wipe his own ass. Hell, have Booker kill every single animal on the Endangered Species list just so that TNA can make a horrendously bad joke about sex or farts or whatever crap they can shovel out. Boy, this is just as funny as Shark Boy was in a coma.

Does TNA believe that their main demographic is this stupid and immature? Sadly, yes. They show no signs of changing for the better. It is as stupid today as it was two years ago. Angle coming to TNA was a big deal. Big deal. Going to put TNA on the map. Yet their ratings stayed the same (around 1.0). Two years later, and what has changed in TNA? Nothing. Nothing ever does. Internet writers can write to their fingers fall off and TNA will not learn a damn thing. They will show remorse about Bashir's 9/11 music or how ODB should not have ripped off Raisha Saeed's mask, but they will follow it up with Angle making quips about the dead wife of Jeff Jarrett and Booker making sex jokes mixed in with slaughtering elephants with his bare hands in his home of Africa. More will follow. Treat it all as one big joke. Ha ha.

Oh, and the "incredible intrigue" that is the briefcase of mystery will be opened next week. Hey, TNA! What's in my hand? You must be easily amused since you believe that all wrestling fans are. Oh ho ho, you will have to wait till next week to find out. And maybe even longer. Till my next PPV, at least. And even then I will tease you even more about it! Oh, I know you cannot handle the suspense any longer! What is in my hand? What could it be? Here is the answer: It is my middle finger! Shocking!

The Glorious Finish That Was Hernadez vs. Booker

Mike Tenay announces that fans "will love to see BFG again." So they buy the PPV again. I guess TNA feels that fans are too stupid or dirt poor to work a VHS/DVD recorder. It is the devil machine! Evil magic! Why, do not even wait to the DVD of BFG comes out! Give us more money, you idiots! Somebody actually wrote that in so that Tenay could plug it. Yes, fans can be whiny assholes who do not know what they want, but I have never met a company that constantly seemed to go against fans instead of working with them. You figure that Vince Russo had a bad experience with wrestling fans and now treats them all as ignorant, dumb rubes.

Did Booker always sleepwalk through his matches? Sloppy. You all know the score with the finish. You wish that fans have brought (or smuggled) in a sign that said, "Really? That's the finish"?

Following this up was Angle laying waste to other jobbers (i.e. TNA stars) and Don West saying the famous line of "Angle could kill Christy Hemme with his anger right now." What fun. Come with me, my dear chap. Feel better about the world when you watch TNA Impact. Watch the mediocrity and suckiness overflow like red wine. Feel the joy as TNA plays up its man-on-woman violence. What fun.

The Dumbest Words Roxxi Have Ever Uttered On TNA, Enough Is Enough

I quote, "I do not give a s**t about Spike TV. I have lost tons of matches. I have barely won any of them." Not quite as bad as Scott Steiner's "Hamburger" promo, but still bad. Guess you did not give a s**t about the Knockout championship match you lost at BFG. But that is okay, because nobody gives a s**t about championship belts anyways in TNA. TNA: Say a lot of stuff that makes you look cool, but make our own product look weak and dumb.

It is not fun to watch the Beautiful People trash Christy Hemme. Way too much anger and violence on this show. This is depressing trash. Hell, Raw was chock full of lameo silly bits but at least you felt better after watching it. Ooh, I cannot wait till that "bimbo" gets her revenge on the Beautiful People!. You do know that wrestling shows are supposed to be varied right? It cannot be dumb rage all of the time. Well, the next bit will hopefully get away from all of this depressing dumb rage.

Oh look, Angle is attacking some dude in the ring. Enough.

IMPACT'S FINAL VERDICT: A Huge Stinking Pile Of Absurdity (NUKE)

I stopped watching after Angle attacked a ring announcer and skipped ahead to the pretentious Foley farewell, the Nash promo, and yet another TNA tease at the end (I am sure the other bits were really important). I guess Mick Foley next week will present his plan to fix the economy. Or maybe just another overhyped tease to yet another crappy PPV. I had enough with the show. Am I not supposed to watch the first hour? I was angry because I wonder why I spent time and emotions involving myself with TNA. I felt stupid and dirty, because all I was watching was a scam. It is my fault. Being a wrestling fan, I come to expect a certain standard. I expect wrestlers, bookers and writers to put in such things as "effort" and "hard work."

I have come to expect that a wrestling organization such as TNA would "work hard on perfecting the craft" on such things as promos, backstage skits, champions, announcing, matches, and so forth. I do know that I will have to put up with some things because they are big in ratings, for storyline purposes, whatever. I am not asking for Shakespeare and I do not expect it. But I am convinced that TNA has no idea what they are doing. TNA is just one endless tease-scam. For about a year now I have been watching TNA, and it is clear that it is clearly not rewarding. I have been more frustrated, depressed and angry when I watch this show.

I try to concern myself with just the matches (and not the seemingly endless backstage skits-interviews) but I am not even granted that. What does it say about TNA that its calling card (fast-paced action) is kicked to the curb in order for crappy booking/storyline progression? Raw with its silly crap nowadays is still miles ahead (even though I wanted to change the channel after Raw followed up the silly and stupid Jackass bit with the silly and stupid JoMizzy rap). The only thing good about this wrestling week so far has been Chavo Guerro vs. Evan Bourne on ECW.

Long ago I had given up the notion that TNA would change its ways (or at very least, work on the minor things that were dragging the show down) but it is all too obvious that TNA will continue to work in a dumb and absurd fashion. Tonight I felt like I would never watch this show again, and that is stupid, because I love to watch wrestling, but watching Impact is near garbage every time! The cons of it definitely outweigh the pros.

And I do not get it, because wrestling shows should appeal to all wrestling fans, hardcore or casual, young or old, interested or impassive. I do not know what this means in reviewing this show in the future, but as a fan I just cannot handle this crap anymore. Their product is mediocre at best while TNA fans have to be treated like idiots nearly every month. It is depressing and frustrating to watch Impact.

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT: I remember watching Raw years back with my Mom and it was an Eric Bischoff backstage skit. Bischoff make some lewd remark towards a female about having sex later that night in his hotel room and I gave my Mom the controller so she could watch her shows. I apologized because I was embarrassed that they would show that type of content (which really had nothing to do with wrestling). Perhaps it was my growing frustration with the WWE at that time, or the fact that it simply was not fun anymore to watch the show. I had enough and I stopped watching wrestling for awhile. I am sure that next week I will tune into Impact yet again (because it involves wrestling, or a pretense of wrestling), but from a personal standpoint this show was horrible to digest.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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