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News is constantly breaking in the world of Professional Wrestling, and when it does Warzecha Wire Services (WWS) own crack reporter Marc R. Warzecha is there!

WWS Quickhit Headlines:

AWESOME KONG BIKINI WEBSITE GETTING FEW HITS (TNA Knockouts News)

NEW STAR LANCE CADE JUST BEGINNING TO GET OVER; TRIPLE H ARRIVES ON Raw TO "NIP THAT IN THE BUD" (WWE insecurity news)

JEFF JARRETT IS BACK!!! (No one give a s**t news)

WWS Poll Results!

Question: Pick the reason for Raw's soft rating this week:

It was up against a really good Monday Night Football game: 0.009%

It was up against a really good NASCAR race: 0.0001%

It was up against a really good WNBA game: 0.0001%

It was up against a really good "Two and a Half Men": 0.0001%

It was up against a really good "John and Kate plus 8": 0.0001%

It was up against a really good "Matlock: The Trial": 0.0001%

It was up against a really good "Seinfeld" re-run: 0.0001%

It was up against a mediocre "Home Improvement" re-run: 0.0001%

The Jonas Brothers did a special appearance on "Dancing with the Stars!": 0.0001%

Five weeks ago, Raw was on Sci-Fi for one night only and people keep checking Sci-Fi every week at 9 p.m. to see if it might be on Sci-Fi again tonight, but then get hooked on the first season of "Lost" re-runs and just never flip back to Raw: 0.0001%

Everyone DVR'd Raw and is dying to watch it later:  0.0001%

Everyone got called into work: 0.00005%

It was nice outside: 0.00005%

The same wrestlers have been on top for ten years, the show is boring, and the product is stale: 99%

A WWS EXCLUSIVE: WHAT DOES VINCE SAY ON HEADSET???

Mick Foley has left WWE for TNA, and he says that Vince McMahon is to blame. 

During each WWE program, Vince McMahon is on a headset backstage giving instructions to his commentators as they broadcast the show. As Mick Foley has expressed, Vince is known to be loud and even slightly disrespectful with the announcers while on headset.

But what does he actually say? What could Vince be doing that would cause a WWE legend like Mick Foley to jump ship?

WWS has obtained this exclusive recording transmission of Vince McMahon's "coaching" on headset during Mick Foley's last WWE Smackdown broadcast:

JIM ROSS: Look at the size of The Great Khali! He's going to take on Jeff Hardy right here, right now on Smackdown!

MICK FOLEY: Khali is a big man.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): How a bout a little more, Mick?

MICK FOLEY: Khali is a giant.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): More.

MICK FOLEY: One of the largest athletes I've ever seen.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): For Gods sake, Mick, put the guy over!

MICK FOLEY: I've never seen anything so big!

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Homo.

JIM ROSS: My God! Khali stepped over the top rope to get into the ring.

MICK FOLEY: Jeff Hardy has his work cut out for him here tonight.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Yeah, they know that Mick. Talk strategy.

MICK MCMAHON: Hardy is going to have to try to use his speed.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Good! More.

MICK FOLEY: Hardy is going to have to stick and move.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Homo. Ha! You keep walking into that.

JIM ROSS: The bell rings and we're underway. Khali with a big shove and Hardy right back up. Hardy unloading with kicks and punches here. Khali barely moves and shoves Hardy back down!

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Use this time to mention that Runjin Singh is back at ringside this week.

MICK FOLEY: Hardy better watch out for Runjin Singh. He's back at ringside this week.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Who cares, Mick? Managers don't sell tickets!

JIM ROSS: The Great Khali is aiming to be WWE Champion. Could you imagine what would happen if Khali took the WWE Championship back to India?

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Good! More of that. What would happen?

MICK FOLEY: There are one billion Indians who would love to see that.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Great, Mick. But more xenophobic.

MICK FOLEY: The WWE Championship might never come home to America where it belongs.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Keep going. What would the Indians do to the title?

MICK FOLEY: The Indians might even... wear the title around the capital of New Delhi.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Awesome, yes! Americans hate New Delhi! Say that they'd dip the title in curry!

MICK FOLEY: They might even... use... curry on it.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Dammit Mick, don't hold back! I want you to say that the Indians would take the WWE Championship to a call center, answer a phone call from an American with a computer problem, then pretend to give you good tech support for your new Mac when really they are just playing solitaire and half paying attention, then dump curry on the title, lick it off, pretend to have a bad connection, and hang up on you 28 minutes into the call with out solving your problem so then you have to call back again and start all over with a new damn Indian.

MICK FOLEY: I... ah...

JIM ROSS: Hardy is knocked to the outside. Will Jeff Hardy survive? We will be right back!

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Dammit, Mick! What the hell happened there?

MICK FOLEY: Vince, some of that stuff sounded a little bit racist.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): A little bit racist?

MICK FOLEY: Yeah.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Bulls**t. It was a lot racist. Haven't you been watching my promoting style for the last 20 years? You say what I tell you to say, Foley!

JIM ROSS: We're back on Smackdown! Jeff Hardy is trapped in a Great Khali nerve hold. Even the simplest moves are devastating in the hands on the massive Great Khali.

MICK FOLEY: Yes, that's right. After the match, Khali might even eat curry with Jeff Hardy.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): What?!

MICK FOLEY: I mean, he might throw hot curry on Jeff Hardy and stink up the whole arena with curry smell.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): That's not exactly what I wanted, Foley, but you stumbled on a good angle. Brisco! Write this down. Khali uses Indian magic Buddha spells to cause hot curry to drop on the crowd. Now let him have it Foley!

JIM ROSS: The Great Khali is so intimating!

MICK FOLEY: Yes. He's like an... Indian electronics engineer...

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): No!

MICK FOLEY: ... Who is really smart...

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): No!

MICK FOLEY: ... And steals the job that you Americans rightfully deserve!

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Yes! Nailed it.

JIM ROSS: Khali has Hardy in the vice grip. Even the simplest, stupidest moves are devastating in the hands on the massive Great Khali. Can Hardy survive? Will he survive? Is survival even an option for Jeff Hardy? We'll be right back!

MICK FOLEY: Look, Vince. I don't feel comfortable with this kind of commentary. Can I just talk about the matches and the moves?

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): No one cares about that stuff. I did play-by-play for 18 years and never called one move!

MICK FOLEY: Jim, how do you put up with this stuff?

JIM ROSS: Well Mick, Mr. McMahon is a...

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): You want to get drafted to ECW, Ross?

JIM ROSS: ... A brilliant and complicated man.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): When we get back on the air Foley, you say exactly what I tell you or you're fired!

JIM ROSS: We're back and Jeff Hardy is being worn down by the vice grip. The ref checks Hardy's arm and it drops once, twice, and no! Hardy is still in this. He's fighting back.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): I could never do this.

MICK FOLEY: What?

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Say, "I could never do this."

MICK FOLEY: I could never do this.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): I don't have the testicular fortitude.

MICK FOLEY: I don't have the testicular fortitude of Jeff Hardy.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Jeff Hardy is an amazing high flyer, where as I was a glorified stuntman who got famous for falling off of a cage.

MICK FOLEY: Jeff Hardy is an amazing high flyer, where as I was... .

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Say it dammit!

MICK FOLEY: ... A glorified stuntman who got famous for falling off of a cage.

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Although I am a WWE legend,

MICK FOLEY: Although I am a WWE legend,

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): I am most legendary for being fat, eating gallons of "Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream," wearing a bra, writing stupid books about how Vince doesn't use my good ideas, and not f*****g Melina when I had the chance - just because I'm married.

JIM ROSS: Jeff Hardy is out cold from the Vice Grip! Khali wins. My God, The Great Khali can take the simplest, stupidest move that you would never expect to see in a ring in 2008 and make it devastating in his massive hands. We'll be right back.

MICK FOLEY: That's it! I've got my own money saved, and plenty of other work I can get.  I quit! (Foley throws down headset and walks away.

JIM ROSS: Take me with you Mick, take me with you!

VINCE MCMAHON (on headset): Ross!

JIM ROSS: We're back on WWE Smackdown. Buy my BBQ sauce. Please?

Marc R. Warzecha is a professional comedian and a nearly 20 year PWTorch reader. His columns usually appear monthly in the PDF online bonus pages of PWTorch Newsletter. E-mail him with feedback and hot news tips at TorchWarz@yahoo.com.

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