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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

RAW
August 25, 2008

The Injury In The Necks of Cena (Yes, He Has Two Of Them)

The story of the night was that John Cena was injured at the hands of Batista. Remember the old days when video packages had dumb metal bands like Limp Biskit providing the tunes? The WWE spin on it is that Cena was injured at the hands of Batista two weeks ago. Because we surely in no way shape or form want to push the tag team champs Rhodes-Dibase in any fashion. Sometimes it is hard to believe that Mike Adalme was a announcer. I would not mark his tendency to stumble over words due to drinking heavily before the show. I would mark it as being just plain bad. But you are surely the right man for the job. Wrestling companies usually does a nice job of covering up injured wrestlers by having somebody else step up to the plate. Contrast this to fans of the New York Giants and San Diego Chargers, and you would think that their Super Bowl chances are history. Perhaps a wrestling offseason for the month of December where everybody can get the chance to take some time off? Sadly in wrestling out of sight is out of mind. WWE could send clones of their top stars off around the world to do house shows. If only human cloning was available. Maybe just jobbers who dress up like the stars? Although Cena did have questionable promos and bits, his return at the Royal Rumble, his matches with Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista were all very good.

Jericho Plans To Have His Eyes Plucked Out Live On PPV

I think it would have been funny if after talking to Mike Adamle, Shawn Michaels walks backwards while holding his stare. Must be tough for wrestlers to hold a heel grimace for so long. What I like about this feud is that there are no arbitrary points on their path. Every week these segments are worth tuning into. It is odd. Fans are clamoring for the Jay Lethal-Sonjay Dutt feud to end quickly. Fans know that Jericho-HBK is the main reason, if not the only reason, to tune into Raw. If you took away this feud, what do have left on Raw?

Batista Stands In The Rain In His Underwear

Have you seen the Unforgiven PPV commerical? We all know Batista is not intimated. He will stand in the rain, flex his muscles, and talk about how unforgiven he is. Dude, get out of the rain! No man, I cannot. There is no hope for me. I think it is time for Batista to have a submission hold. Perhaps a rear naked choke like Joe? WWE is not really big on submissions, as Punk has not broken out his anaconda vise for awhile. And a quick note about the previews about the videogames from WWE and TNA: So far the TNA videogame looks to be more fun. I think Smackdown vs. Raw just concerns themselves with how many they sell and not releasing the best wrestling videogame out there (thus the yearly injection of features that unbalance true gameplay). Plus the sound effects are bad. But I digress. Nobody plays wrestling videogames anymore. Except those ones claiming that the broken Fire Pro Wrestling is king.

The Ruff Ryders Of Ruff Promos

Liked the idea of Cryme Tyme hanging up in the cheap seats. Boy, those hooligans! Then they started to speak and it was not so pretty. Am excited that a Cody-Rhodes vs. Cryme Tyme is shaping up. Last year I liked the tag team matches between Cade-Murdoch vs. London-Kendrick. Then for some odd reason WWE decided to serve up an obscene amount of Holly-Rhodes vs. Carlito-Santino. International wieners. How will they coexist. Ugh to infinity. Would be funny if Rhodes-Dibase had championship belts from WWEshopzone.com. But that would mean injecting life into this bland feud. They are going to push them, but only as so far as tag teams can be pushed on Raw lately.

Primo Colon Versus The Pigeon That Beat Up Carlito At Unforgiven

0:44 is typically when Raw tends to get stupid. This time they served up Charlito. You know. Charlie Haas, the man with a thousand faces. The equivalent of throwing stuff up on the wall and see what sticks. Haas gives a camera promo that was so putrid I cannot believe it made it on air. Not "lame but it is funny in a minor sense" but so lame that if God saw it he would immediately have judgment day leashed upon all of us. This is entertainment to these people. It was like a bunch of 8 year old kids were running Raw at this point. This segment was broadcast to 130 countries around the world? As for helping the careers of both Charlie and Colon, this is like when a snail moves an inch and people call it progress. Michael Cole does drop a Tropic Thunder reference. Boy, wish I was watching that instead of this. Primo Colon does a cartwheel and touches his toes in order to get the crowd really excited for him for no apparent reason. I just wanted to smack him. Check it out! He might do a cartwheel! Yeah! Bland babyfaces can work if they have an edge to them. Speaking about bland baby faces Kofi Kingston (actually, not that bland) lost the match due to the power of Santino's Unibrow. We cannot find an opponent for Kingston?

I guess Primo Colon is another WWE choice to branch out to an international audience. I am not sure why Armando Estrada has a home on ECW with his goofy shoes. Lame is lame in any language. And if WWE is trying to branch out to untapped young markets, why not come out with Sesame Street characters. Big Bird versus Ernie. Or have the Jonas Brothers fight in a triple threat match, live on PPV. What bothers me is that Raw five years ago is vastly different to the product that is showcased now. It relied heavily on shock value to get over to the main demographic of young males. Why was it acceptable back then? What happens if shaping the product to younger audiences does not bring in ratings and revenue? Would the WWE go back to shock value? The great match with C.M. Punk vs. JBL works for any demographic, any audience, any language. Charlito was the best option available?

Other Various Tidbits

At least with Rellik promos (that's Killer spelled backwards) he would talk about eating fingers and all of that jazz. Kane promos do indeed leave fans feeling empty. Kelly Kelly in contention for a title match? Dear God, no. Bloody noses in WWE are like double plays in baseball or safeties in football. WWE is now in love with Brian Kendrick because of his heel jacket (though I am wary).

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Raw had a great match with C.M. Punk and JBL. An even better confrontation between Michaels and Jericho. The rest of the show was pretty rough to watch. And now there is news that there might be an ECW Championship Scramble at Unforgiven. You ask me if I want to watch three ladder matches in one PPV and the answer would be no. WWE did do a much better job of explaining the rules. I am just not sure why WWE is going overboard on an unproven concept to fans. But then again, the Santino-Beth train is gold to these people. Rey Mysterio did not show up to save Batista from Kane at the end of the show because PPV buy rates are more important than saving your friends.

ECW
August 26, 2008

The WWE Whipping Boy Known As John Morrison, The Capital of Thailand, and Dancing The Irish Jig

I do not know what JoMo has done to anger WWE, as I have always been impressed with his in-ring work and his hilarious promos. You ask me who is the mid-card wrestler I would like to see match up with anybody and it is John Morrison. It is downright questionable that you will have a better match with the Miz instead of Morrison in there, but that is WWE. Tonight started off with a great match between Matt Hardy and JoMo. Simmered down during the Evan Bourne and Miz Contest, and downright stopped dead in its tracks with a main event. The announcers made me laugh on more than one occasion. The little kids running around Finlay and Hornswoggle are always a nice touch.

ECW's Final Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

The announcers were on fire tonight. I guess I much prefer the announcing style of trying to entertain the viewers instead of cramming other feuds and wrestlers down their throats. Now that Cena has gotten surgery, maybe TNA should be responsible and force Kurt Angle to do so? Not much can be said about the last thirty minutes. I am naive to think that Tiffany might be one of those models who actually enjoy wrestling. Nobody holds a grudge quite like WWE with their footage of Robert Wexler.

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT: In the Financial Times on Monday there was an article written by Brooke Masters called "Wrestling's bottom line is no soap opera.". Accompanying the article was a 6-picture layout of the top WWE finishing moves, ranging from the Stone Cold Stunner to the Razor's Edge. The author brings up that wrestling is hard to take seriously and it is indeed "hokey", but she mentions that the WWE is a $1.1 billion company and is looking to global expansion in places such as Tokyo and Sydney.

I remember reading once that WWE was considering at one point to build a WWE theme park. Fans might also remember WWE New York. It is odd that such a simple thing as a wrestling match, which can take place in a gym or on county fairgrounds, can be transformed into such a viable and consumable product for the entire world. What makes the WWE so successful? Is it because of the storylines? The writing? The focus on showmanship rather than skill? The spectacle of it all?

Every wrestling fan has in their mindset what wrestling should be all about. The scripts for Raw recently being tweaked to a PG rating do not really concern me a bit. I never understood the need for swearing, malicious violence, and shocking bits. Those are not really needed to tell a good story, which is the essence of wrestling. I believe that wrestling can connect with every age demographic. The problem I foresee is that wrestling companies will strive too much to appease one bracket. Feel free to tell me what you think about this.

"The Absurdity of it All" appears every Wednesday and Saturday. Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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