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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

TNA IMPACT
August 14, 2008

Enjoy Kurt Angle Getting Beat Up?

Kurt Angle's "Olympic" promo was completely out of the blue. Can one really "cheat to win" in a no disqualification match? I applaud the angle with Homicide (which was nicely done), but not one single wrestler sold the effects of such a "hardcore" PPV. Not one bit. They might as well been fighting with pillows. I did like the main event, as it was a breather for all of the hardcore matches TNA fans have been subjected too. What I didn't like was the phrase "A.J. Styles has just won the gold medal" announced on national television (ugh), the Sting and Jeff Jarrett tease (double ugh), the ref counting the three even though Angle's bleeding from the head again and there are bits of guitar in the ring (triple ugh), and I'm pretty sure time had run out (quadruple ugh). Points also get docked for Jeff Jarrett's music assaulting my ears. It's easily the worst wrestler music I have ever heard: "EH-A-EH-A-EH-A-EH-A-EH-A"… please update that bad boy. Double J has the power to turn off the lights like the Undertaker and Sting? Let's not go crazy with this.

Sting: "I Just Did It Because I'm Getting Old"

Did the Sting video package make any sense at all? How about we stop throwing out empty phrases during these bits? I get a big kick in the announcers and voice over guys explaining a wrestler's action and their motives. Did Sting ever say he was on a personal vendetta? No. The announcers just "assume" so. Because Sting has not explained himself, Sting could have been doing all of these actions just to get air time. Not convincing. Fret not, because fans do get some sort of answer from Sting. "Sting considers himself a savior and wants to stop Joe and Styles from wrestling anymore. A career in wrestling will lead down the wrong path. Sting himself is already damned, and he will force young stars out of the business in order to save his soul." Actually, the above isn't true. I just made it up. But I'm sure it's better than the reality that TNA is selling: Sting has done of his actions because he's getting old. Right. "There is only one certainty": this will be dragged out forever. "Will Sting show up tonight"? Why should fans care if he does?

TNA Announcers: "Team 3D Recognizes The Potential In Matt Morgan"

I think I would like Matt Morgan more if he stopped applauding himself and doing his Tarzan bit after doing one move. Team 3D shows up because they're pissed that Morgan has decided to send his DNA into space to be stored for research purposes (OperationImmortality.com). "We're going to be the best tag team in space!". Why would Team 3D care about Matt Morgan? "Well, because Team 3D are evil heels who hate puppies and steal candy from children". Once again, just because TNA announcers explain a particular action or motive does not make it believable. How would the announcers know what Team 3D is thinking? Abyss shows up out of the blue. Then fans were shocked to see Elvis, Genghis Khan and Doink the Clown all make an appearance. At least we know Abyss watches this show.

Congratulations, You Are Now The Worst Feud In TNA

Let's see here. SoCal Val is an indecisive idiot. Jay Lethal is now portrayed as whiny and ready to commit violent actions toward anyone who messes with his happiness. I sure can root for a guy who can't take care of personal business and complains that "it's the other guy/girl's fault". That's loser talk. Just because a feud gets airtime does not make it good if the bits are counter-productive. It is just stringing fans along. For the hell of it, I am starting to root for Sonjay Dutt. He's my hero. Come on, you fans at the Impact Zone in Florida. Prove to everyone that you're not as gullible as people say you are. Start cheering loudly for Dutt and all of his "evil heel actions". You wouldn't be surprised at the end of it all (is it coming soon?) that Val dumps both men and fans would be left wondering just what happened.

The Cheapest Of Cheap Heel Heat

One of the fun things about watching wrestling is that people are given the option of choosing who to root for. I agreed with Bashir's logic (at least he just didn't do the tired trick of waving a "rival" nation's flag around in the ring). Why shouldn't I root for Bashir? He's motivated, has personal goals, and has made it while other people still wait for handouts. It's like rooting for somebody like Scarface, where the person has attained the American Dream yet is hated for his views. Then Bashir drops the "I just love raping her" line, designed for the cheapest of heel heat. Jay Lethal comes out for some reason and I'm still in a trance.

I had a nightmare the other morning where Bashir would come out and do his promo. The crowd would feed on the xenophobia and chant "USA, USA" because it's "harmless" fun, you know? Then Consequences Creed would come out with a big-ass American flag and lay the smack down on Bashir. The two would grow a feud, where you could choose to cheer or boo the other man. But the "I just love raping America" doesn't make me want to cheer or boo Bashir. All I could think was, "Obviously there's not enough content or time to create content for this character, so they have him say a line to get the cheapest of cheap heel heat". Bashir takes a flying move and then repositions himself into position for a pin at 0:43. I like the name "WMD" for a finishing move. Names for finishing moves need to be screamed at full volume, repeated a lot, and said so in such a frenzy that Don West starts frothing at the mouth (that's why he wears a tie, hmmm). Example? "GORE! GORE! GORE! UN-FRICKING-BELIEVABLE! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" It would be funny if the announcers for one Impact announced at full volume and treated everything minor thing like it was the greatest thing ever. Too bad they do it all the time.

Heels are so poorly down in TNA. I would like to cheer for Beer Money, because they got the job done and they are the champions. But I have the unbiased announcers screaming about how Beer Money has "zero compassion" and is trying to force me to dislike them. Although Beer Money's new opening video doesn't do them favors. Wasn't the lyric "My mind on my money and money on my mind" from a Dr. Dre song? Many people just want to watch Impact for the matches yet they keep getting weak storylines and characters shoved down their throat by the announcers. Tonight was "mute material".

The Traci Brooks Proposal

Here's some logic thrown out there: Why doesn't the illegal man on a tag team just come in and beat the other guy up? There's supposed to be a 5 count but TNA refs sure don't enforce it. They'll just go, "gee I guess I can't do anything about it". Why doesn't Jackie just stand on the apron during the entire match and "distract" the ref? I'm sure there are some rules but they sure don't follow them. There is some credit given that the ref incompetence was believable on this show (not the main event). I don't think I'm the only one who has grown tired of TNA's usual style of matches: Heel use the same trick they have been doing on every show, face makes a comeback and either wins cleanly or loses to a dirty tactic. Why not have Traci Brooks as a ref for all of the matches? Problem is that people would rather watch her than the wrestlers in the ring. But that's okay, since actual wrestling content doesn't matter much in TNA anyway.

The Mick Foley Rumor

Lord knows I have been waiting for Foley vs. Abyss (not really). If TNA does manage to snag Foley, it could be a win-win. Foley and Abyss, Booker T, Team 3D could have a hardcore match every PPV. People who have not been buying TNA's PPVs would be strongly compelled to do so because of the appeal of Foley (I'm one of them). Foley is also very strong on the mic, so you could easily build a storyline leading up to a PPV. If it is true, then TNA needs to cut down on the amount of throwaway hardcore matches they serve up every Impact. If Raven comes back then TNA's sins would be forgiven…somewhat.

Other Various Tidbits

How random was that opening match between Rock & Rave Infection vs. Rhino-Cage….Ahhhhh! Kip James' ass!... Breaking News: TNA's storylines are really bad…First hour and a half was a dud…Ahhhhh! Booker's bug eyes!... Working Nash's knee, how original… Secret message in the Knockout match with Hemme and Taylor: whoissuicide.com. Clicking on that leads you to you to this website: http://www.myspace.com/whoissuicide... Hernandez's dive outside takes a lot of guts. Don't mess with the top rope…I surrender to the queasy "No Surrender" video package…Joe's "temper" angle sounds like a lame copout to a PPV finish…

IMPACT'S FINAL VERDICT: Very Absurd

Let's mention the good bits first. As usual, the Knockouts bit actually made sense and was entertaining. The Roughcut with Consequences Creed was also interesting as well. Mad props for the secret message. Hernandez is the man. The main event (up to the finish) was a little wobbly but was certainly a breath of fresh air. Now here are all of the bad segments: random opening match, no one selling the effects from the "hardcore PPV", Matt Morgan unconvincing hype, Team 3D and Abyss showing up for some reason, Karen's Angle, Lethal-Dutt feud managing every week to make people less interested in their feud, Bashir's line, the combo of Sting & Jeff Jarrett, Joe's "temper" angle, the announcers, and the finish to the main event. Yes, it was pretty horrible.

Smackdown
August 15, 2008

Edge Is Losing His Mind and I Love It
There wasn't much to focus on in this ho-hum Smackdown, but I am really digging what Edge has been up to. I originally thought they were going to play the coward card with Edge, but Edge losing his mind is indeed a much better route. Edge is so convincing that he has lost his mind it's like he is channeling his inner Joker. When they begin to recap Edge's journey to the present (Hell in the Cell announcement, etc.) I was officially worn out of video recaps. But because the writing was good and the performance was excellent, this might be Edge's best work ever. When you have good writing and have good performances, it resonates with fans because they appreciate good work. Typically any opponent of Undertaker in Hell in a Cell has little to zero chance. If people were to bet on wrestling, I would put my money on Edge to win because you have no idea what he is going to do. How do you combat a crazy person? A person who laughs when you are beating them? (i.e. Joker) Their match might be top notch.

Hardy vs. Benjamin
Watching Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin reminded me of the Batista vs. MVP matches awhile back on Smackdown. While there is little background or a future feud, that really doesn't matter. It's nice to see a quality matchup with the announcers focusing on just the match itself. It would have been funny during MVP's interview if the locker fell on him.

Other Various Tidbits
Boy was Victoria bad in those skits…Doesn't the Diva belt look tacky?... The women's matches are still boring and pointless…Scotty Goldman looks like the 90s wrestler Crush with his attire…You're right, Scotty, there are "two of you". Don't let the door hit both of you on the way out…Kenny "Spirit" Dysterkia is back! Too bad he lost his voice and sounds like a meek lamb…Point of Big Show squash? Can't we find something for him to do?... Festus vs. Kozlov was hyped three times and did meet expectations…

SMACKDOWN'S FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Hardy vs. Benjamin was nice, but there was little to zero incentive to stay tuned. Trotting out Scotty Goldman, Ryan Braddock, and a whole slew of video packages meant that this Smackdown placed all of its eggs in the Edge basket. The Edge bit delivered. Festus vs. Kozlov wasn't half bad either. However, most of the show was poor filler.

SO HOW ABSURD WOULD YOU BE IN ORDERING WWE'S SUMMERSLAM? YOU WOULD BE: In the middle of absurdity. Nothing that isn't Undertaker vs. Edge screams out in this particular PPV. MVP vs. Jeff Hardy might be the safest bet in the bunch. Do fans really trust Khali and JBL in big time matches? These things could be duds. And it's not like you would usually associate the term "work rate" with Batista vs. Cena (which will probably end in a run-in). There is a lot of unknown. The PPV might turn out to be a great night, but Summerslam this year certainly didn't feel like a big time PPV. Considering that Summerslam is called the "blockbuster" of the summer, let's compare the matches to the summer movies that are out right now.

Jeff Hardy vs. MVP = Hancock. The funnest to watch of the bunch. Has characters that reek of coolness.

Santino-Beth Phoneix vs. Kofi Kingston-Mickie James = Mamma Mia! Although this is the comedy match of the PPV, I wouldn't compare this match to Pineapple Express or Tropic Thunder. The WWE humor is more harmless. Expect to see a lot of singing by Santino, colorful outfits, and crowd involvement.

Matt Hardy vs. Mark Henry = Swing Vote. Solid but unexciting. More people will pass on it than watch it.

Shawn Michaels Announcement = Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Yet another shameless bit to bring more money in. Great for new fans, but it just makes old fans mad that the company stoops to this level to get more buys.

C.M. Punk vs. JBL = Step Brothers. Watch two guys fight and bicker. Could be the sleeper hit.

Triple H vs. The Great Khali = Mirrors. Could be the horror show. Long, pointless, hard to watch, and a heavy reliance on a bad-ass to pull it through.

Cena vs. Batista = The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Heavy on the flash but little on the substance. Not everyone's cup of tea.

Undertaker vs. Edge = The Dark Knight. A compelling story moved by conflicted characters.

"The Absurdity of it All" will appear every Wednesday and Saturday. Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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