Be sure to check out part one of this week's column, taking a look at the January 7th episode of OVW TV!
January 14th OVW TV thoughts
The show opened with a recap of last week's segment involving Osama, Maria, and Robbie "Hi, I'm Robbie Dawber!" Dawber in drag. It was a long, extended recap. Of all the segments to recap for us, they choose this one? I didn't really have any desire to see Robbie Dawber in a thong ever again. On the plus side, the replay of the beautiful Maria shaking what her momma gave her almost made up for it. Almost.
After the intro, they cut to a backstage altercation in the making where Dean Visk of all people was holding Ken Doane back from attacking Brent Albright. The closest analogy would be that it was like the Ultimate Warrior holding back Chris Benoit. We'll talk later in this column about what a nut Visk is.
The first match had "The Thrillseeker" Johnny Jeter taking on Seth Skyfire, one half of the OVW tag team champions. During the introductions, announcer Dean Hill read a statement from OVW owner Danny Davis saying that they were waiting for more concrete info before they addressed Matt Cappotelli's health situation due to his brain tumor, and that when they know more, Cappotelli would address the fans himself. It was interesting for them to do this so early in the show, after teasing that Cappotelli would be there last week. If it were WWE, they would have kept teasing it until the last segment of the show, and probably would have made the bait and witch their main event segment, but this being OVW, they handled it respectfully.
Jeter has a lot of charisma and it's unfortunate that he'll now be doing cheers for you every Monday, and more likely on WWE.com than USA, judging by this past week. The girls were out in force this week at the OVW arena, chanting their little hearts out for Seth Skyfire, though that may have to do with his real life girlfriend being a plant in the front row, which we'll get to later. Showing just how good Jeter is, even in a real kayfabe capitol like OVW, there were briefly some dueling Seth/Jeter chants. Something else I didn't need to see was some Skyfire ass crack during a roll up when Jeter grabbed the tights. The match started slow, with Seth showing early on that he still needs some work, but he managed to show more fire later in the match. Skyfire got the pin with a lucha rollup. Chris Cage, Jeter's partner in crime, ran in for a two-on-one attack on Skyfire, but Skyfire's tag team partner and fellow tag team champion Cheat the Jet made the save.
This led to what was apparently an impromptu match with Chris Cage versus Chet the Jet. It's amazing to think that a goofy big guy like Chet the Jet previously appeared on a Ring of Honor show, one of the first ones I saw, Wrath of the Racket. Chet picked up the victory. Jeter ran in after the match. Cage hit Chet upside the head with a steel chair, followed by a Jeter superkick into the chair to Chet's head. Jeter pulled some scissors from out of his boot and cut Jablonski's hair. Seth Skyfire ran in for the save, but he got a chair superkick of his own, and Seth's hair was cut as well. Remember, kids: In WWE, you all must look exactly the same, with the same short haircut and nothing unique. And they wonder why no one gets over. Seth's girlfriend was a plant in the front row, alongside some other girls who all screamed for their boy, Seth, as his girlfriend fake cried. It was a bit of an insider rib at the girls crying in the crowd when Batista gave up his title.
After the break, we got a "moments ago" recap of the segment, and Dean Hill pulled out the classic Vince McMahon line regarding Andre the Giant, talking about how these men had been "raped of their dignity." It was announced that, due to the earlier backstage confrontation, Ken Doane and a partner of his choice would take on Albright and a partner of his choice, and if Doane's team won, he would get a TV title shot at a WWE house show, and if Albright's team won, he'd get the TV title shot. Backstage, Dean Visk was firing up Ken Doane, and it was exactly like an old school Ultimate Warrior promo, because, well, that's who Dean Visk is. Kenny Bolin and Sosay, Doane's valet, were also in the locker room. They teased that Visk would be the partner, but Doane chose Paul Burchill. Several members of the Spirit Squad were also standing back there for no apparent reason. Visk was apparently initially pissed when Doane chose Burchill, and Visk yelling "Whaaaaaaaaaat?!" actually caused me to laugh out loud, but he then said, er, yelled that he loves it, and that Paul Burchill is his friend! God bless Dean Visk. Unfortunately, WWE ultimately released him and reports indicate that it was because he didn't get along with agent Ted DiBiase.
Albright and Doane had another backstage confrontation. Albright said that he didn't need a partner, but had to have one because Danny Davis was requiring it, so he said that the next guy to walk through the door to the locker room would be his partner. Robbie Dawber walked up to the door frame and got out his "Hi, I'm Robbie Dawber!" before being punched in the side of the head by CM Punk, who proceeded to walk through the door and smirk at Albright. Punk hates Albright and Doane, and screwed Albright out of the title several times, so this brought up the question of who he'd want to win the title shot. Aaron "The Idol" Stevens came out next with "the leather and lace tandem," his valets, Beth and Shelly. Stevens demanded that the announcers, from now on, call him "His highness, the maharaja of the meange-a-trois-a, your OVW TV Champion, Aaron "The Idol" Stevens!" Whew, that's a mouthful. Beth and Shelly laid out a large red tablecloth on the announce table and began crawling toward each other seductively before heading to break. Beth has trimmed some pounds to try to get WWE's attention, as well as flaunting her, um, topside assets, but WWE has shown little interest in her so far, only reluctantly giving her a developmental contract late last year after a lot of previous efforts by her, lobbying by her powerlifting coaches, losing some weight, and training in OVW while not under contract.
"The Teen Phenom" Ken Doane and Paul Burchill were out first for the main event, along with Sosay and Kenny "Star Maker" Bolin, the head of Bolin Services, the number one heel faction in OVW for years and years. Wrestlers come and go, but Bolin remains and does his darnedest to get them over. Albright ran in from out of nowhere to start the match, though after some brief early offense, it quickly became a classic two on one with Albright getting the snot kicked out of him. Punk's music hit, and he waited around with a smug smile before finally going after Doane and clearing the ring. At ringside, Stevens and his girls were sitting on the announce table, and Beth put whip cream on Stevens' chest, which Shelly then licked off. This is such a good act, and I truly do hope we see it on WWE television soon. Punk hit a Samoa Joe style boot wash series following by the running boot in the corner. It boggles my mind that Punk is still in OVW, but it's better than calling him up and having no idea what to do with him, which I fully expect no matter how long they wait.
There was a nice near fall in the middle of the ring as Albright put the sharpshooter on Doane, but Doane rolled through. Albright followed up with the arm stunner to set up the crowbar armbar, which he locked on, but Burchill made the save. Doane walked out of the match after that, leaving Burchill by his loansome. Albright applied the camel clutch to lead to break. Burchill and Punk were carrying the workrate load in this match, though Albright and Doane also got plenty of time to work. OVW has been doing a lot of these long main events recently, many going around half an hour. While they've been dragging in spots, they generally get at least one or two big spots per segment with some momentum shifts and a major point being made each segment, so they work for the most part. As long as they make sure to have at least one strong worker in there, I think it's a good idea.
Back from break, there was a chop battle between Albright and Burchill. Burchill hit his finisher, which goes from a Rock Bottom setup into a standing moonsault. It was a bit sloppy, and looks better off the ropes than from the ground, but still pretty cool. The announcers teased a Burchill face turn after getting abandoned by Doane, which would make sense to help set up Burchill's goofy new WWE pirate character. Punk hit the novocain modified DDT into the anaconda vice submission, and Burchill tapped to end the match. Albright bragged after the match and applauded Punk, but Punk wasn't having that, so Punk slapped him, leading to a spear from Albright. Punk left, but Stevens ran in and tried attacking Stevens while the girls held him, but Albright fought out and slapped the crowbar on Stevens. Stevens tapped to set up the TV title shot at the house show that weekend (which he lost). Punk getting the win for Albright didn't make a whole lot of sense, and the announcers should have focused more on how there was no way that Punk wanted to lose, even to screw over his hated enemy Brent Albright.
Stay tuned for more OVW goodness next week! I wrote a special OVW MVP column in this week's Torch newsletter, and I'll be following up next week with a look at those that didn't quite make the top five. Until next time, be strong and remember to smile!
Mike Roe covers OVW every week... give or take, and reviews Friday Night Smackdown every week for PWTorch.com. Mike always wants to hear from you at firstname.lastname@example.org with your thoughts, comments, questions, critiques, or whatever else you want to share.
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